<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>The Loves of Ianto Jones by The_Snarkivist</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27377251">The Loves of Ianto Jones</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Snarkivist/pseuds/The_Snarkivist'>The_Snarkivist</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Old Guard (Movie 2020), Torchwood</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Canon Temporary Character Death, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Grief/Mourning, Ianto Jones &amp; Toshiko Sato Friendship, Ianto Jones-Centric, M/M, Non-Canon Relationship, Nonmonogamous Relationship, Not Beta Read, Not Canon Compliant, Not Children of Earth Compliant, POV Ianto Jones, Past Lisa Hallett/Ianto Jones, Polyamory, Series 03 Fix-It: Children of Earth (Torchwood), Soft Booker | Sebastien le Livre, Temporary Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 18:07:22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>46</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>85,827</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27377251</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Snarkivist/pseuds/The_Snarkivist</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>A Torchwood / Old Guard crossover.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Ianto Jones &amp; Toshiko Sato, Ianto Jones/Booker |Sebastien Le Livre, Jack Harkness/Ianto Jones, Joe | Yusuf Al-Kaysani/Nicky | Nicolò di Genova</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>187</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>99</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Forgiveness</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>So this is going to be a long one and it kind of goes in a lot of places.  It's mostly all written.  It follows the basic structure of the episodes of the first three seasons of Torchwood with other things as well.  It mostly ignores the audio episodes (except for some of the back stories).  Please read the tags.</p>
    </blockquote><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>He sighed as he rinsed and drained the floor. Maybe it was nonsensical but he thought maybe he could wash his memories away if he scrubbed hard enough. Seeing Lisa on the gurney, her beautiful skin fused with the cold metal. </p><p>There were other memories too. The group all looking at him with shock and disgust, Jack holding a gun to his head with eyes of ice. He could scrub the Hub from top to bottom till it gleamed and he wouldn't erase the memory of the look on Jack's face. </p><p>**********</p><p>Ianto is shocked by the kindness Jack shows him after the Cyberwoman attack.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This takes place around the edges of "Cyberwoman"</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Ianto sat back on his heels and surveyed the corner he had just been scrubbing. So much better he thought as he stood up to get the bucket and mop to rinse the area. What the hell did Owen do that resulted in all this grime? Wasn't a medical area supposed to be sterile? </p><p>He sighed as he rinsed and drained the floor. Maybe it was nonsensical but he thought maybe he could wash his memories away if he scrubbed hard enough. Seeing Lisa on the gurney, her beautiful skin fused with the cold metal. </p><p>There were other memories too. The group all looking at him with shock and disgust, Jack holding a gun to his head with eyes of ice. He could scrub the Hub from top to bottom till it gleamed and he wouldn't erase the memory of the look on Jack's face. </p><p>He still hadn't worked out why or how it was he hadn't been so much as fired, let alone sectioned for treason. Smuggling a dangerous alien hybrid into a top secret facility was not the smartest move he'd ever made. </p><p>He groaned inwardly as he picked up his cleaning supplies and bucket and went to return them to the supply cupboard. </p><p>As he poured the dirty water down the drain his thoughts flitted back to Jack. </p><p>Jack had been his usual jovial flirty self the first  morning after. He'd smiled and winked at Ianto as he took the coffee Ianto had brought and went back to tapping away at his computer. He didn't say a word. No "I'm watching you Jones. One more screwup and you are out." Or anything worse. But Ianto didn't need words. Not when he kept thinking about Jack's eyes and how steadily he held the gun to Ianto's head.</p><p>And there was the other, far more confusing, memory. Jack's lips on Ianto's own. Why had Jack kissed him? He had regained consciousness to feel Jack's weight on him, to see Jack's eyes, no longer full of ice. And then... Then. </p><p>Those warm lips. His girlfriend, or the monster who had taken her body, was even then rampaging the Hub and threatening his co-workers. But feeling those lips on his all he wanted was to arch into the touch, to open himself to Jack. He wanted to encircle Jack in his arms and roll them over so he was on top and could thrust himself against Jack. Why had Jack kissed him?  It didn’t make any sense.  Jack was always leering at him and talking about his accent but that was just a game.  He did that with everyone (except Owen because no one leered at Owen).  He had never treated Ianto any differently than any other sentient creature he had met. For Jack making a pass or innuendo was just like saying hello.  It didn’t signify any kind of real interest.  </p><p>Ianto felt a stab in his heart as an image of Lisa amidst the falling debris of Canary Wharf flew into his mind.  Lisa was not even cold in her grave.  How dare he  think about another person.  Ianto gulped a deep breath.  He had already cried three times at work today it wouldn’t do  to have another.   </p><p>Ianto untied his apron and tossed it into the laundry box and tried to push these inappropriate thoughts out of his mind. </p><p>The first week after Lisa's rampage had been awkward. Owen looked disappointed in him and made excuses to avoid him. Tosh looked at him sadly but never quite found the words to say anything to him.  Gwen, who barely knew him, had traces of fear when she looked at him. As if she thought he would sick a weevil on her at any moment. </p><p>It was only Jack who treated him normally. He made his ridiculous jokey comments about Ianto's suits (he knew it was just Jack being Jack, he flirted with everyone. But when he said those things a hidden part of Ianto always lit up. It felt like hope.), he smiled and thanked Ianto for the coffees in the morning, and he didn't avoid him. </p><p>He was setting a tone. Ianto knew this because in his obsessive clean up of the Hub he had been in some places where sound carried in a weird way. A few days after he was back he heard Jack take Tosh and Owen aside and give them a talking to. </p><p>"Hasn't he always kept us on time? I mean, the things that man can do with a stopwatch! Doesn't he make the galaxy's best coffee? Doesn't he keep this place spotless? Including your disgusting desk, Owen? You are a medical officer, how is your office so disgusting all the time??"</p><p>"But Jack," Owen protested, "He brought a Cyberman..."</p><p>"Cyberwoman." Tosh corrected.</p><p>"Whatever, he endangered us all because he couldn't accept that his poxy girlfriend was dead." </p><p>"We all make mistakes Owen." Jack snapped. "He's learned his lesson. I can't punish someone for loving too much and unwisely." </p><p>"Oh give me a break!" </p><p>"Owen! How dare you judge someone for having the capacity to love that you will never be capable of."</p><p>“How dare you! You know I have and what I’ve lost.  And anyway, like you’re capable of that Jack.  Do you even remember the names of the millions of creatures you’ve fucked?”  </p><p>“Well at least they consented without me drugging them!”  </p><p>“That was once!” </p><p>“That we know of…” </p><p>“Oww-enn! Jack!” Gwen broke in, “Let’s not get nasty. Ianto needs us right now. He’s heartbroken. We can’t turn him away.” </p><p>“I think we all deserve second chances.”  Tosh said quietly.</p><p>“Exactly, thank you Toshiko. Torchwood has always been about second chances. All of you have benefited from that. Look, you don’t have to be his friend but can you please stop treating him like he’s some disgusting piece of garbage that Owen left to rot in the corner of his office?”   </p><p>After that Gwen and Tosh had made efforts to be nice to him. Tosh sent him funny pictures she found on the internet and Gwen would find some point at the day to come up to him, put a hand on his arm and say “How are you doing?”   It still kind of made him feel like a freak.  Owen still treated him with barely concealed contempt, which was pretty consistent with pre-Cyberwoman attack Owen.</p><p>It was only Jack, reliable Jack, who treated him as if Ianto had never stood there and yelled that someday he would like to watch him die and not help him.  If Jack’s feelings towards Ianto had changed for the worst it was impossible to detect.  </p><p>“I can’t believe you finally got around to tackling Owen’s office!  You must be exhausted.”  Ianto jumped as the chipper voice echoed behind him.  It was unnerving to have been thinking about Jack and have him appear like that.   </p><p>“Isn’t a medical officer’s space supposed to be sterile?” Ianto quipped back as he turned to see Jack’s eyes sparkle with mirth.  </p><p>“Well I would have thought so.”  He flashed his famous smile at Ianto. Ianto tried not to think about those beautifully soft lips and Jack’s weight on him.  “Have you eaten? I can’t see when you would have had time to eat with all this manic cleaning you’ve been up to.” </p><p>Ianto blushed. Perhaps he was taking the cleaning thing a bit too far.  “Sorry sir. I will cut back on the cleaning. I know I’ve been neglecting my other duties.”</p><p>“Iannnntooo,”  Jack rolled his eyes in an exaggerated manner. “It’s fine.  The Hub has never looked so good.  That’s all down to you.  I just meant, you need to eat. Don’t let your grief cut you off from doing things your body needs. And I keep telling you to call me Jack not sir!”  </p><p>For some horrible reason this made Ianto blush even deeper.  Jack wasn’t even making one of his crass comments.  He was so incredibly sincere. He’d never mentioned Ianto grieving since that night.  And then, he was obviously talking about eating but when he said body all Ianto could think about was Jack’s weight on him, like a security blanket, his breath on his face and then his wonderful warm mouth.  This was getting out of hand.  </p><p>“So have you?”  </p><p>“What? Have I?? What??”</p><p>“Have you eaten?”  Jack’s eyes were full of mirth but also a bit of concern.  “I wasn’t expecting this to be a challenging question.”  </p><p>“No, I… er… No I haven’t.”  Ianto was too flustered to pretend that he was full to allay any of Jack’s worries about him.  Why was Jack worried about him?</p><p>“Good!  That Thai food I just ordered won’t go to waste then.  Much too much for me to eat.”  </p><p>*****************************</p><p>Ianto hadn't realized he was hungry until the food arrived and it was in front of him. Somehow Jack had figured out all his favourite dishes.  There was no time for talking whilst he scarfed down the food. When he had taken the edge off his hunger he looked up at Jack who had that bemused but concerned look on his face. </p><p>"I'm sorry, Sir, I was... It's just... I got too busy cleaning for lunch. And... er ... dinner." </p><p>"Mister Jones," the graveness of his voice did not match the mirth in Jack's eyes. "I have told you, *repeatedly*, call me Jack. Do I have to make it an order?" </p><p>Ianto blushed again. "I'm sorry, s... Jack." </p><p>"Good. Now, a very wise and devastatingly handsome Welshman told me that I don't pay attention to your life outside of Torchwood. He is right, of course. So..." Jack looked slightly awkward but just pushed through. "You're from here, right? What was it like to grow up here?"</p><p>Ianto bit his lip. He looked at Jack's face, now completely serious. Everything in him strained against talking about himself. But the openness in Jack's face kept pulling him in. </p><p>"It was the same as any childhood, I guess. My parents were decent enough folk but I don't think they got me quite? My Dad kept trying to get me to work in a factory but that just wasn't me."</p><p>He paused and pushed around the food on his plate. Jack was smiling encouragingly at him. </p><p>"I worked for a bit in the Cardiff Museum." He continued. "That was brilliant. A bit like working here what with all the filing of artefacts and whatnot. Felt good to put everything in it's place, have things organized and findable."</p><p>"I am sure you kept that place running smoothly like you do here." </p><p>Ianto blushed again. It seemed like his face was perpetually red around Jack. </p><p>"I like order." He said shly, waiting for Jack to make a joke of it.</p><p>"Ianto," why did his name sound so good on Jack's lips. "We couldn't function without your management. I know that this place runs like it does because of your labour. I see you." </p><p>Ianto almost couldn't look at Jack. He looked more earnest than Ianto had ever seen him.</p><p>"I don't..." Ianto started. "I mean... There isn't anything else hidden in the basement. You don't have to flatter me to... To protect the Hub." </p><p>Jack laughed then. "Oh, I'm not saying it because I think you are hiding something. I just like seeing you blush." </p><p>Of course, Ianto blushed even harder. But the jokey flirtation made it easier. Earnest Jack was terrifying to Ianto. </p><p>"So then, what took you to London?" </p><p>"The usual, I guess? Trying to find opportunities that didn't exist in Cardiff. I liked how big and anonymous it was. So many better restaurants. And everyone thought my accent was cute." </p><p>"Well, in their defense, you do have a devastatingly sexy accent." </p><p>Ianto blushed but also rolled his eyes. "Oh stop Jack."</p><p>"Me???" Jack waggled his eyebrows. "I am just telling the truth."</p><p>Ianto rolled his eyes even harder. They both laughed. </p><p>"Can I ask about The Doctor?" Ianto gestured to the disembodied hand in a jar. </p><p>It was a bold question. Jack didn't talk about The Doctor that much. </p><p>"Oh, he's marvelous. So principled. He loves this little planet so much. He would do anything for it. He's ancient and has lived forever. Everytime his body dies he regenerates into a new one." </p><p>Jack looked wistful. </p><p>"Are you in love with him?" Ianto asked. </p><p>"I'm a little bit in love with everyone, Ianto. But the Doctor is special. I suppose I am. Not that it does me any good. I think he's ace or something. Too principled to fuck like the rest of us. He travels with companions who are always in love with him but he never makes a move."</p><p>"So..." Jack seemed momentarily uncertain. "Is it too... You don't have to answer. But can you tell me about Lisa?"</p><p>Ianto thought for a moment. </p><p>"It's ok.  I... She was so special. We met at Torchwood One on my first day. I was instantly smitten. I never thought she would go for me. She was just on another level. And me, well, I'm me." </p><p>It was Jack's turn to roll his eyes. "It can't have escaped your notice how good you look in a suit." </p><p>Ianto smiled and rolled his eyes. "I don't mean looks. I mean she was so full of life. So vibrant. She was excited about everything. Everything she loved she loved with so much passion. She was very political. She would get all riled up talking about politics, racism, sexism. It was incredibly sexy. She really wanted to change the world. She was so good at her job, so incredibly competent. She always wanted to do the right thing. To help people." </p><p>He closed his eyes, seeing her bright face.</p><p>"She was so kind. She knew the names of everyone's kids and partners in our department. Never forgot a birthday.  And she was such a great cook. She made this pasta sauce with olives that was out of this world. She used to sing out of tune whilst she was cooking. It was so adorable. And she could be goofy. We'd be in bed, me about to fall asleep and she would turn to face me, press a finger on my nose and say, "boop!" And then just roll over and fall asleep. She had the best laugh. I made her laugh, if you can believe it, dour old me. I would say something and she would throw her head back and cackle. It felt so good to know that I inspired that reaction from her. I never felt like I deserved some one so special, so wonderful. I.... I....." </p><p>He couldn't keep the tears back, "I miss her so much. It should have been me. I should have been that twisted mass of metal fused to bone, she should have been here, making friends, saving the world. I can't... I just can't bear it..." </p><p>He crumpled into himself and sobbed. This was beyond his usual small cry in the bathroom. The floodgates were open and he couldn't close them.</p><p>"Let it out, that's right, feel it." </p><p>Suddenly he was pulled on to his feet and into a bear hug. He could smell Jack's 51st century pheromones and he felt safe. He nestled into Jack's chest and sobbed. He sobbed until he had nothing left to cry. All the while Jack was rubbing his back gently and making soothing noises. He let out a sigh and eased his head up. </p><p>Jack cradled his face between his hands. </p><p>"You are a good man, Ianto Jones. One of the best. You will get through this. It's gonna hurt like hell for awhile, but you are going to heal." </p><p>Jack had that serious and intense look on his face again.</p><p>"I should go. Tomorrow will be here in no time." Ianto extricated himself and made for the door.</p><p>"Ianto?" </p><p>"Yes si.... I mean Jack."</p><p>"Do you have my cell number?" </p><p>"Uh, yes, I do." </p><p>"Please text me anytime you need to talk. Doesn't matter the time. I don't sleep much." </p><p>By the time Ianto got back to his drab apartment there were already several texts from Jack.</p><p>
  <em> "I think I have almost taught Myfanwy to play catch!!  Well, nine times out of ten she eats the ball but there's that one time!!"  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> "A bird just flew in through the lift so now she's ignoring me and hunting it down."  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> "And now she's full so she's just gone to her perch to sleep. Oh well, that was fun whilst it lasted."  </em>
</p><p>Ianto smiled and typed back. <em>"I'd suggest you get a cat but Myfanwy would probably eat it." </em></p><p>Jack sent several smiley faces back.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thanks for reading!  I would love to know what you think. It does kind of take awhile for this work to ramp up - wasn't sure how to get around that.  This chapter is pretty straight ahead but the work goes in a lot of other places after this and veers off canon around five or six chapters in.  That's when the Old Guard crossover really starts.</p><p>I think in canon none of the Torchwood team know about the Doctor but that always struck me as ridiculous. Ianto was at the Battle of Canary Wharf and he's also Torchwood 3's archivist - he would know about the Doctor.  Also, in my head canon whilst Ianto was spending all those long hours at the Hub caring for Lisa he was probably reading through all the information he could find in the archives.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Nightmares and mood swings</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Ianto sat up in bed, panting. He was dripping with sweat and his heart was racing. He had a variation on this dream every night and it never got any easier. He hugged his knees to his chest and lowered his head and sobbed. If only he had suggested lunch that day at Canary Wharf or if he'd agreed to that camping trip that week and not the next. Then Lisa wouldn't have been at the office that day. Those monsters...</p><p>*******<br/>This chapter is based around the edges of "Small Worlds"</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>There were fires everywhere, the walls were caving in. </p><p>"Lisa!!! Lisa!!!!! Where are you?" Ianto was frantic. Hands were pulling him. </p><p>"You have to leave now. This building is collapsing" a gruff voice and hands pulling him away. But he had to find Lisa. Suddenly he was outside of the burning building. Two women were holding him back. </p><p>"Ianto, you left me. You abandoned me." Lisa's voice was everywhere. But he couldn't shake loose the women's hands. Couldn't return. "Ianto, why did you give up on me. I never stopped loving you."</p><p>Ianto sat up in bed, panting. He was dripping with sweat and his heart was racing. He had a variation on this dream every night and it never got any easier. He hugged his knees to his chest and lowered his head and sobbed. If only he had suggested lunch that day at Canary Wharf or if he'd agreed to that camping trip that week and not the next. Then Lisa wouldn't have been at the office that day. Those monsters...</p><p>He heard a ping from his phone. The clock on his bedside table said 3:26 so it could only be from one person. </p><p>"Did you know that koala fingerprints are so indistinguishable from humans that they have been confused at crime scenes?? But like why are their koala fingerprints at crime scenes?????? Maybe it is the koala that's doing the crime?? Why aren't we all talking about psycho criminal koalas????" </p><p>Ianto couldn't help but laugh. Ever since that night they shared Thai food, Jack had taken to texting him random thoughts. Sometimes they were about Myfanwy, sometimes complaints about Owen, sometimes pictures of weird things he saw, and more often then not they contained weird animal facts. </p><p>Sometimes Ianto would wake to find the texts but other times like now they came just after Ianto had woken from a nightmare. Ianto briefly wondered if Jack had put some sort of tracker on him. </p><p>Ianto pushed the lingering guilt out of his mind and set about creating a witty comeback. </p><p>"Do we know that koalas are from Earth? Could they be malevolent aliens murdering humans in the guise of cuddly Australian teddy bears?" </p><p>"Oh you beautiful Welsh genius!!" Jack texted back. "You have cracked the case, Jones." </p><p>"Their cute little faces don't fool me!" Ianto replied. </p><p>"Are you ok, Jones? It's pretty late /early to be up. More dreams?" </p><p>"Yeah. Wait, what about you? What's keeping you up?"</p><p>"Besides thoughts of a sexy Welshman in a perfectly tailored suit...."</p><p>"Jack, I have told you that you can't sexually harass all your employees like this." </p><p>"Not all. I've never hit on Owen." </p><p>"That's like saying 'I've never hit on Myfanwy'. Anyway,  stop trying to change the subject. Are you ok?" </p><p>"I am now that I am chatting with you. :) "</p><p>Ianto smiled. Jack was so over the top with the fake flirting. It was getting to him. He found himself thinking more and more about Jack. And thinking about Jack brought so much guilt. How could he forget Lisa so easily? And he had made peace with the fact that the monster was not Lisa, not really. But Jack had killed her without a thought. If there was something after death would Lisa be looking down, hurt that he was now lusting after her killer? </p><p>                       ………………</p><p>Ianto was working on updating the retention schedule for Torchwood. He was trying to think of a way to get Owen to save his files on the shared drive so they could be automatically transferred to the archive. Obeying the proper naming conventions Ianto set out seemed a bridge too far. Getting Owen to type his notes had been a big step.  Ianto would have requested that he could access Owen's drive but his access had been severely restricted after the cyber event. Ianto sighed with annoyance. Nagging Owen it would have to be. Why couldn't everyone be like Tosh with her meticulously organized files? </p><p>Suddenly something caught his eye. Severe weather disturbances not related to any natural wind patterns. </p><p>This was worthy of disturbing Jack. The light in his office was dim. </p><p>"Shit," Ianto thought. "This is like the first night he's slept this week." </p><p>He was dithering at Jack's office door when he saw movement in the inner office. </p><p>"Jones! Why are you still here?" </p><p>"So sorry sir. The uh,  retention schedules are giving me some grief." Ianto stammered. Jack was only wearing an undershirt and his trousers. </p><p>"What did I say about calling me sir?" </p><p>"I… uh… sorry sir. It's the weather tho. I think you need to see this." </p><p>Ianto typed the password onto the outer office monitor and brought up the weather view. </p><p>As he leaned over, Jack put a hand on his upper back. </p><p>"How are you doing?" </p><p>"See, sir?" </p><p>Jack leaned in, thankfully moving his hand. </p><p>"Something is up." Jacked looked spooked. He hadn't noticed right away but studying him while he examined the weather map Ianto could see the worry lines. </p><p>"Jones, please go home. You need to sleep sometime. Who's going to make my coffee if you pass out from exhaustion?" </p><p>"Sir." Ianto scurried off. </p><p>.............................</p><p> </p><p>Ianto had just finished cleaning the break room when the team returned from their encounter with the Faeries. </p><p>The tension filled the Hub. Jack had been completely withdrawn since the night before when he learned of the death of the old woman. Things seemed worse now. </p><p>Gwen seemed livid with Jack and she stormed into the conference room to write her report. Jack immediately went to his quarters. </p><p>"Jack had to make a difficult choice. " Tosh said quietly. </p><p>"This whole thing," Ianto started, "it's... Well, it's really gotten under his skin, hasn't it?"</p><p>"I don't want to gossip," Tosh said, clearly wanting to do exactly that. "But, the old woman yesterday who died? She was an old girlfriend of his. It's very sad for him. How old do you think he is? They certainly age differently where he is from." </p><p>"That must be hard. I can't imagine outliving everyone. I know... A bit. Well, it's not the same but..." </p><p>"Oh... Because of? Oh I am so sorry Ianto." Tosh looked at him with genuine care in her eyes. </p><p>"It's just... There's no choice, you have to go on, you know? No matter how much they meant to you, no matter how amazing they were. It just stops. They aren't there anymore and you can't love them the same way. It's not healthy. You have to move on. You can remember them but you can't actively love them anymore, not in the same way. You have to forget them a bit. It's so completely not fair. Why do I get to still be walking around, still be living?  And she's..., well it's over for her. And that's just the way it is, and I hate it." </p><p>"Oh Ianto." Tosh put a hand on his shoulder. "I'm sorry that you have to go through this."</p><p>Ianto tried to smile. "Thank you."</p><p>Jack was holed up in his office but Ianto decided to risk it. He lightly knocked before pushing open the door and bringing the mug of herbal tea into Jack's office. </p><p>"Sir?" He said as he set it down on the desk. </p><p>"Thank you, Ianto."</p><p>"Sir .,. I am sorry... Estelle. I'm sorry for your loss." </p><p>"How did? No, of course you know. Poor sweet Ianto. Making our coffee and keeping all our secrets.   One day. One day it will be you that I am sat in this office grieving for. And it will no doubt be my fault. Do you know the average life expectancy of a Torchwood employee?" </p><p>"Yes sir. I ... You know I survived Canary Wharf. There were only a few of us who did. And ... of those ... The stress... The guilt,.. well. There are even fewer now. I knew the risks when I joined Torchwood One and I knew them when I sought you out to get this job. I believe it is worth it." </p><p>Jack took a swig from a bottle of whiskey on his desk. </p><p>"The fact that you seem to be all too willing to sacrifice yourself doesn't make the guilt I feel any less, Jones. I'm so sick of surviving everyone."</p><p>Ianto knew that tone, he knew he had said things in it. </p><p>"Sir. I just try to think of the mission. The mission remains despite how much the rest hurts."</p><p>"Oh the mission." Jack's voice was dripping with sarcasm. "Get the fuck out Jones." </p><p>"Uh, sir? Of your office? Of the Hub? Of Torchwood?" </p><p>"I dunno, all of them, one of them? What do I care? Just get out of my office so I can stop thinking about how shitty I will feel when you inevitably die. Go home." </p><p>"Yes, sir."</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thanks for reading!  Would love to hear your thoughts.</p><p>Throughout this work I basically use current phone tech.  I know that even ahead of their time Torchwood may not have advanced smart phones but I didn't really pay too much attention to making the tech 2007 tech.  I hope that's not distracting.  </p><p>Also, I know Jack's behaviour is really all over the place.  My version of Jack in this is even more hot and cold than the canon Jack.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. More dreams</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Ianto sighed with irritation. Just like Jack to spend days sulking because he felt guilty about endangering his employees and breaking the silence to request Ianto’s presence in a field operation which was no doubt dangerous. </p>
<p>Ianto pulled open his drawers to find something casual. </p>
<p>And Lisa's birthday was in several days. This was never going to get easier.</p>
<p>********</p>
<p>Ianto is having trouble coping after the events of "Countrycide"</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The late night texts stopped. Ianto had been at Torchwood Three long enough to know about Jack's moods. He spent the next few days doing what he did best: being invisible. He delivered coffee and tea to Jack so quick and efficiently Jack barely noticed. </p>
<p>After a few days there was a text from Jack. "You're in the field with us tomorrow. Overnight trip. Make sure the camping supplies are ready. As much as it pains me to say this, don't wear a suit."</p>
<p>Ianto sighed with irritation. Just like Jack to spend days sulking because he felt guilty about endangering his employees and breaking the silence to request Ianto’s presence in a field operation which was no doubt dangerous. </p>
<p>Ianto pulled open his drawers to find something casual. </p>
<p>And Lisa's birthday was in several days. This was never going to get easier.</p>
<p>                        *********************</p>
<p>"Hi Ianto. Just checking in. Let's talk about file naming conventions on Monday. I had an idea about how to get Owen to follow the naming protocol. Also, are you ok? You looked really tired today. Have you been having nightmares too? I just keep seeing that basement. If you, you know, want to talk sometime let me know. :)" </p>
<p>Ianto sighed as he put his phone down. Poor Tosh. She was so sweet. She didn't deserve what had happened to them. </p>
<p>He took another swig of his coffee. He needed a project for tonight. Anything to keep him away from sleeping. He shuddered. He had thought the dreams were bad before when it had just been guilt about Lisa. But now. Now they were enough for him to try to avoid sleep altogether. </p>
<p>The Hub needed a better archival database. He could research what was available, maybe even design one himself. He had endless amounts of time now. And he couldn't just pass it cleaning the Hub because Jack would look down on him from the cat walk and call out, "Go home Jones. You're no use to me exhausted." </p>
<p>"I'm no use to you at all." Ianto had muttered to himself the first time. </p>
<p>Since then he had been coming up with projects he could do at home. He had tried drinking. He thought he could knock himself into a drunken stupor. But that had only intensified the dreams and left him with a headache in the morning. </p>
<p>"Thanks Tosh! Amazing about the naming protocols. But maybe you have more faith in Owen than I do? I'm ok. Let's meet for coffee soon. I worry about you. Please take care." He texted back. </p>
<p>Ianto began to read through websites of archival repository software. There were quite a few options that would....</p>
<p>He was on the floor:  it was cold and concrete, everything hurt. The smell of rotting corpses filled his nose. And then he felt it, a baseball bat to his ribs, then to his legs. He tried to howl in pain but his mouth wouldn't open. He heard Tosh screaming. He looked up and saw Lisa, not Lisa but the Cyberwoman wearing her skin. She was kicking him with her steel boot. </p>
<p>"You left me Ianto! You left me..."</p>
<p>Ianto jolted awake. He had fallen asleep in front of his computer.  He had sweated up his suit and immediately felt cold and clammy. </p>
<p>Suddenly he saw every morning flashed in his mind. Waking up, the terror of the dream still lingering.  Maybe still in yesterday's suit, maybe something else if he'd changed for bed. And that moment of realizing where and who he was. Lisa would always be dead. The sheer pointlessness of it all. Day after day of what? The mission? He delivered the tea and found ways to organize the files. All he could do in the field was nearly get killed. </p>
<p>And then one day he would die in the field and Jack would use it as an excuse for a pity party about how all his staff just die all the time. But Jack wouldn't really remember him, wouldn't care that he was dead, you don't notice one drop of water in an ocean.</p>
<p>Ianto winced as he stood up from his computer chair, feeling every spot on his body that had been beaten by the baseball bat. </p>
<p>"The mission. Better archival software for the Hub." He said to himself as he headed to the shower to start the day.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thanks for reading!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Apologies</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>"Ok. Mary's amulet. I think she was trying to isolate me from all of you. She must have known, the mean things Owen and Gwen would think. But anyway, the amulet, I also read your thoughts." </p><p>"Oh." </p><p>******</p><p>Set around the events of "Greeks Bearing Gifts"</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"Uh ... Ianto? Can we talk?" Tosh's face was full of worry. "It's about when.... Well... You know with Mary... And I.... Well she... No I, I did it." </p><p>"Tosh, it's ok. Whatever you've done. You can tell me. You know I could never judge you. Especially after... You know, Lisa..." </p><p>"Yes... Ok, let's go to the boardroom. I am so sorry Ianto. It was so inappropriate of me." </p><p>They settled in the boardroom. </p><p>"It's ok Tosh. Take a deep breath. Whatever it is, I am sure it's ok." </p><p>"I just need to say, I am really really sorry. It was wrong, I know that." </p><p>"It's ok," Ianto put a friendly hand on Tosh's shoulder. "It's probably easiest if you just tell me quickly. Then we'll work it out." </p><p>"Ok. Mary's amulet. I think she was trying to isolate me from all of you. She must have known, the mean things Owen and Gwen would think. But anyway, the amulet, I also read your thoughts." </p><p>"Oh." </p><p>"Ianto I am so sorry. It was such an invasion, an assault. I should never have. I  only did it once." </p><p>"Oh Tosh, it's ok. I get why you did it. I am not mad." </p><p>"But also Ianto..." Tosh looked at him like a concerned big sister.  "Ianto, I am worried about you. You've been through so much. Are you sleeping at all? Are you talking to a therapist?"</p><p>"I... I can handle it. So many others have worse pain. I mean Jack, he's lived so long, he has lost so many people he loved. He's been in more dangerous situations. My problems are so small." </p><p>"I don't think it helps anyone to compare.  Your pain matters. Jack would be the first to tell you that." </p><p>Ianto looked at her. </p><p>"I... I also heard some of your thoughts about Jack."</p><p>"Oh. I don't know why Tosh. It's so unfaithful to Lisa's memory. He shot her. It's wrong. Besides, apparently he hates me. He's been ignoring me since the thing with the faeries."</p><p>"Lisa would want you to be happy. To find someone who cares for you like she did. She wouldn't begrudge you that."  </p><p>"I have let her down in so many ways." </p><p>"You deserve love Ianto." </p><p>"Tosh, so do you. Mary was using you and that is horrible. But you deserve someone who makes you feel like that without an ulterior motive."</p><p>"If we had drinks I would propose a toast to us - two awesome folks - finding fulfilling love and happiness. Because we deserve it!"</p><p>Ianto smiled sadly. </p><p>                   ****************</p><p>Tosh breathed a sigh of relief. It was clear that Jack wasn't going to fire her.  She idly wondered how many times he had been seduced and betrayed by aliens. </p><p>It had felt good to crush the amulet. Nothing good could come from invading minds like that. For all the crimes she could solve, the temptation to violate her co-workers would be too high.</p><p>"Jack, one more thing. I know it was wrong to snoop I'm everyone's minds. But... It's Ianto. I am worried about him." </p><p>"He had been through a lot but grief is a process. He'll work it through."</p><p>"With the utmost respect, sir, I don't think you understand. He's hanging on by a thread. He's not sleeping, he is drowning in self-hatred. I think he is capable of self-harming. I have tried to talk to him but he isn't letting me in. He will let you in. I know it." </p><p>Jack looked utterly lost. "Tosh, I can't save him, I can't save you, I can't save Gwen. I can’t save Owen. I am going to outlive you all. It's all too much. This beautiful, smart, wonderful man, he's going to die. Probably before he reaches 30 because this is Torchwood." </p><p>"Eventually, of course he'll die. But I disagree about you saving him. You can save him right now. I have seen how you look at him. You already care, showing him that won't make it worse. I have to go, but please, stop giving him the cold shoulder. He needs to lean on you right now."</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thanks for reading!  I think some of these early chapters could have been combined into one but I kind of liked the idea of having one chapter based around each episode (mostly, till I got to between Season 1 and Season 2).</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Rock Bottom</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>This was his life now. A constant ache and Lisa-shaped hole in his consciousness. A fear of rural spaces. Lack of concentration. A family he couldn’t talk to. No friends.  And a boss who hated him for his weakness and mortality. And the dreams. Always the dreams. Endless pain.  It was a vast sea of sameness stretching ahead of him. </p>
<p>******** </p>
<p>Ianto is in trouble</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>TW: description of a suicide attempt.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Ianto sent off the report he had created on archival repository software to Tosh. That was done. And now... He looked around his sparse apartment. The weekend stretched out ahead of him. And he had nothing to do. Ordinarily he would go to the Hub and do some work in the archive or even a deep clean. But he couldn't face Jack ignoring him right now. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He could go for a drive and sightsee. But then he thought of the Sherman's and that basement. He shivered. He looked at his movie collection.  All the James Bond movies, </span>
  <em>
    <span>Star Wars </span>
  </em>
  <span>movies, some shows like </span>
  <em>
    <span>Twin Peaks</span>
  </em>
  <span>, </span>
  <em>
    <span>Buffy the Vampire Slayer </span>
  </em>
  <span>and a bunch of silent films.  He didn’t feel like watching any of those. He found he couldn’t concentrate on anything, even shows and movies he had seen and loved for a million times.  </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He could call Rhiannon.  But he knew she’d sense something was wrong with him and ask a massive amount of questions.  He could face her open faced inquisitiveness right now. And he couldn’t tell her what was wrong.  Even if he felt like putting all of it into words - which he did not. All of his problems and pains were protected under the official secrets act.  </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It occurred to him that he didn’t really have any friends.  He was starting to get more friendly with Tosh.  But he didn’t want to bother her on the weekend.  He didn’t want to feel the guilt he constantly felt when he saw her bright and smiling face.  He hadn’t done enough when trying to save her from the cannibals. His act of heroism had only provided a tease where she thought she was safe, only to be caught again.  He simply wasn’t good enough to be her friend.  </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>And he certainly didn’t have any friends outside of work.  Not that any of the Torchwood Three staff did, except Gwen.  But he didn’t have any buddies that he could meet at the pub to watch a game or just drink and complain about the world with.  </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>This was his life now. A constant ache and Lisa-shaped hole in his consciousness. A fear of rural spaces. Lack of concentration. A family he couldn’t talk to. No friends.  And a boss who hated him for his weakness and mortality. And the dreams. Always the dreams. Endless pain.  It was a vast sea of sameness stretching ahead of him. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>And at that moment, he just couldn't take it anymore. It was all too much. Suddenly, his thinking cleared. There was only one option. He went to his medicine cabinet and found the sedatives Owen had given him after the Sherman's had tried to eat him. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>In several swallows he had downed the contents of the bottle. This was the right thing to do. It would finally all just stop.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He sat on his bed and waited. He was starting to feel a bit woozy. Then his phone pinged. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"When you have lived as long as I have, you make a lot of mistakes. But how I have been treating you is one of the big ones. I miss you. I know it might be a lot to ask for forgiveness. Can I see you this weekend?"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ianto stared at the phone. It wasn't that Jack finishing his pout exactly changed things. But somehow it made him remember the mission. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Jack. I'm sorry. You were right about me. I took some pills. I let you down again."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He had more he wanted to say but couldn't form the words. His vision was swimming a bit. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>His phone pinged more but he didn't think he could type. Then it rang. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Hullo? Jack why? Why are..." He slurred.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Jack interrupted, "Where are you? Are you at home?"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Yeah... I'm tired. I think... Nap?" </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He dropped the phone. He heard a weird noise. Suddenly there were three Jack's in his bedroom. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Why so many of you??" He asked Jack. Jack seemed too busy checking Ianto's eyes and examining the empty bottle beside him to notice. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>All of a sudden Jack had pulled him to his feet and was dragging him to the washroom. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Things got a bit blurry from there. He threw up, Jack had made him throw up. But also, Jack had taken a towel from the rack and wrapped it around Ianto. How did he know Ianto had put on his best - very difficult to clean - suit? </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Then he felt Jack's arms around him and a dizzying weightless feeling and they were in the medical bay of the Hub. He was sat, swaying on the examination bed.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"This might get messy, you need to take these off." Jack's nimble fingers were already peeling off his jacket, unbuttoning his vest and his shirt and pulling them off. Ianto was surprised by the care with which Jack placed the clothes on a chair. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Okay, lie down, please." </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ianto stared at the ceiling. Myfanwy circled above clearly anxious about what was happening. She was such a gorgeous creature he thought. So majestic...</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Then Jack was putting a tube in his mouth and forcing the contents of his stomach out. Things got increasingly fuzzy after that.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ianto woke up. He was still on the medical exam bed but a fuzzy blanket covered him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"How do you feel?" The soft American accent said. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ianto tried to turn his head but a wave of nausea hit him. And Jack was there with a damp cloth to wipe his face. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Easy now Jones. You're going to feel nauseous for a bit." </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"I feel like I was hit by a truck." </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"It'll pass. Do you want to sleep some more?" </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The next time he woke up it was not Jack but a pteranodon that was looking at him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"She's been worried about you."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Smart bird. She knows none of you lot are going to muck out her perch if I don't make it." </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He looked over to Jack, it was infinitely easier to move his head this time. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Sarcasm. You must be on the mend. Can you sit up?" </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Jack helped him sit up and handed him a glass of water. Seeing him drink, Myfanwy seemed content and flew away to her perch. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>His throat hurt like hell, but he was alive. He kept waiting for Jack to yell at him, to look desolately at him and make a comment about everyone leaving him. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"I'm sorry, Jack. I... I know it was the wrong thing to do. Cowardly."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Jack moved and held his face in his hands. His thumbs stroking along Ianto's cheek bones. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Please never try that again. I couldn't bear it. But I owe you an apology. I've been where you are. I should have seen the signs. But I.... I.... I didn't..." </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"'</span>
  <em>
    <span>I was much further out than you thought</span>
  </em>
  <span>.'"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"'</span>
  <em>
    <span>And not waving but drowning</span>
  </em>
  <span>.'" Jack finished. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ianto gave him a sad smile. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"I'm in a muddle too. Can we try to work through it together?" </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"I think we can, sir." </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"We need to talk about this but not in the medical area."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Before Ianto knew it, Jack was scooping him up into his arms. He put his arms around Jack and snuggled into the warmth of him. Jack brought him to his chambers and put him down on his bed which was basically a cot. He sat beside him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Is it the dreams?" </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"It's... The dreams.  The guilt. I... I couldn't see the mission." </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Guilt about Lisa?" </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Yeah, that I couldn't save her. And then with the Sherman's, it was like, I thought maybe I don't deserve any better than to be eaten by some yokels? Why did I survive that when she didn't..." </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Cybermen are far more deadly than hayseed cannibals, for one." </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"I do know it's a different situation. But... I keep finding myself back in that basement in my dreams. And part of me thinks I belong there. I’m so useless. I couldn’t save Tosh either. So maybe, that's where it should have ended." </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Oh Ianto." Jack had once again enveloped Ianto in his arms, holding him tightly. "I will fight to my last breath to get you out of that basement every time. You are so valuable to the team. You are so valuable to me." </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I am?”  Ianto couldn’t keep the absolute shock out of his voice.  “But you’ve…”  </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I know.  I know, I’ve been horrible to you.  That’s just how I am.  I… I lose sight of things.  I start thinking too far in the future and … But no, I don’t hate you. I very much don’t dislike you at all. Ianto, I… Look, you’re special, alright?  Anyone could see.  The organizational skills and knowledge that you have?  It’s breath-taking. And you are such a kind and considerate soul. What you did for Lisa really got to me.  Yes, it was stupid and criminal.  But to love someone that much?  Ianto, there are not many who are capable of that. I am certainly not.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Jack's warmth and compliments were irresistible. No one had held him since Lisa. It was almost too much.  He began to sob.  He leaned into Jack and let it come. Jack held more purposefully.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"That's right," Jack coaxed. "Let it out. Let yourself feel. Don't hold back."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He wouldn't have been able to stop if he wanted. But he didn't want to stop. He hadn't been able to really let loose with his tears. Those times they came upon him in the Hub he tried to get himself under control. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"I'm making a mess of your shirt." He said into Jack's chest. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Don't worry about that. It'll wash."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The sobs had dissipated but Ianto still clung to Jack. He felt Jack plant a soft kiss on the top of his head. Suddenly all those nights of trying to stay awake caught up with him as he slipped into sleep. </span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thanks for reading!  </p>
<p>The poem that Jack and Ianto quote to each other  when  Jack examines Ianto after he wakes up is "Not Waving, But Drowning" by Stevie Smith.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Connection</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>He sat up. To some degree everything still hurt. But it was more like a memory. It felt manageable. </p>
<p>******</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>So this chapter is basically just smut, with one little plot advancing paragraph in it.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>When Ianto woke he was alone and for a moment had no idea where he was. He was lying on a small cot with a blanket neatly tucked around him. He listened for a moment and recognized the sounds of the Hub. That's right, this was Jack's quarters. But where was Jack? </p>
<p>He sat up. To some degree everything still hurt. But it was more like a memory. It felt manageable.  He was shirtless under the blanket and still wearing his trousers from last night. </p>
<p>He shook his head. He’d slept much better than he had slept in weeks. He hadn’t dreamt of Lisa or the Shermans.  But instead, he’d dreamt of four strangers. There were two men, somehow he knew they were a couple - their joy was unending. And then a man and a woman, both had that haunted look that Jack wore sometimes. There was something, something just beyond Ianto’s perception. It was like an itch he couldn’t scratch. The dream left him unsettled but also somehow comforted.</p>
<p>"How are you feeling this morning?" Jack was leaning in the doorway. His suspenders hung down from his belt and a white undershirt covered his chest. </p>
<p>Ianto felt a surge of desire. He realized he was staring. And that Jack saw him staring. A wolfish grin appeared on his lips. All thoughts of the mysterious strangers fled his mind. All he could think of was Jack.</p>
<p>"Like what you see?" Jack pushed off from the door frame and headed towards the bed. </p>
<p>Ianto felt his cheeks go hot. </p>
<p>"Ianto, do you have any idea what this incessant blushing of yours does to me?" Jack had reached the cot. He sat down within reach of Ianto. </p>
<p>"No sir. Why don't you tell me...sir." he said provocatively. </p>
<p>Jack locked eyes with him. "It would be better if I showed you." His eyes held a question.</p>
<p>Ianto nodded subtly. </p>
<p>Jack reached for Ianto's hand, all the while watching him, checking for hesitancy. His hand was warm in Ianto's. He felt both excited but also at ease. Jack would take care of him. </p>
<p>Slowly Jack lifted Ianto's hand, whilst flicking open his own belt and the buttons on his fly with his other hand. </p>
<p>Ianto's pulse zoomed. He hoped his hand wasn't sweating too much. He'd never done this before. What if he was bad at it? What if he disappointed Jack with his lack of skill?</p>
<p>"Hey," Jack's voice was soft and gentle. "Where'd you go? Come back to me, Ianto."</p>
<p>His eyes locked on Jack's. Jack's eyes sparkled with amusement. That wolfish smile re-appeared.</p>
<p>"Is this ok?" He murmured, gently pulling Ianto's hand to his now open fly.</p>
<p>Ianto couldn't make any sounds. He nodded his head enthusiastically. </p>
<p>And then Jack slipped Ianto's hand into his pants. Jack's cock felt amazing. So smooth and warm. Jack let out a guttural moan as Ianto cautiously wrapped his hand around him and began to stroke. </p>
<p>"Ughhhh Ianto, you are a natural at this.  That's so good." </p>
<p>Ianto had studied Jack's face many times, trying to figure him out. He had never seen him look like this. His face was fully given over to pleasure. His lips were slightly parted and his eyes unfocused. </p>
<p>Before he even knew what he was doing, Ianto moved forward and captured Jack's gorgeous lips in a kiss. Jack kissed him back passionately, his tongue plundering Ianto's mouth. </p>
<p>Ianto began to stroke Jack faster. Jack moaned into Ianto's mouth but didn't break the kiss. It was Ianto who had to pull away to breathe. He leaned his forehead against Jack's, trying to catch his breath. </p>
<p>"I'm close." Jack gasped out. </p>
<p>Ianto increased his pressure on Jack's cock, gently but firmly running his thumb over the leaking head. He wondered what it would taste like. What it would feel like to feel Jack in his mouth. Heat pushing down his throat. </p>
<p>Then Jack cried out and hot liquid surged over Ianto's hand. Jack leaned against Ianto, breath ragged.</p>
<p>"Fuuuuck...." Was all Jack could manage to say. </p>
<p> He'd done that. Ianto Llewellyn Jones had taken Jack apart like this. </p>
<p>Jack had caught his breath and reached into his pocket for a handkerchief to clean himself up. </p>
<p>Ianto leaned back against the wall. He was painfully hard. </p>
<p>Jack had cleaned up and was looking at him like he was dinner. </p>
<p>"The pants look good on you but I want them off now!"</p>
<p>Ianto had his belt unbuckled and pants unzipped in an instant. He raised his hips as Jack tugged on the pants and pulled them off. </p>
<p>"Mr. Jones, that's quite the impressive stand you have there." Jack smirked at Ianto's tented boxers. </p>
<p>Predictably, Ianto blushed. </p>
<p>"You just going to admire it with your eyes?" </p>
<p>"I was thinking of better body parts to appreciate it with." Jack's eyes sparkled. </p>
<p>Ianto raised an eyebrow. Instantly Jack was between Ianto's legs, his lean fingers skimming the waist of Ianto's boxers. </p>
<p>"I've been wanting to do this since the day you helped me catch Myfanwy." </p>
<p>"Me too." Ianto whispered. </p>
<p>And then his boxers were off. </p>
<p>"Yes, very impressive." Jack said as he ran a finger up Ianto's cock. Ianto couldn't repress a lust-filled whimper. Then he gently wrapped his hand around the base and took Ianto in his mouth.</p>
<p>Ianto cried out. The feeling was incredible. Jack had clearly done this before - quite often - and knew exactly what to do. Ianto leaned his head back against the wall. He almost couldn't handle  the waves of pleasure. He moaned uncontrollably, completely lost to pleasure. He didn't know what to do with his hands. Could he touch Jack? He cautiously started to stroke the top of Jack's head. Jack made a groan of pleasure that reverberated on Ianto's cock. He moved his other hand and ran his fingers through Jack's hair. </p>
<p>He wasn't going to last long. He could feel the shakey orgasmic feeling building in his stomach.</p>
<p>"J...Jack," he painted, "I'm close." </p>
<p>Jack looked up at him, his eyes devilish, and sucked harder and went down deeper. </p>
<p>The image of Jack looking at him and the increased intensity brought the orgasm ripping through him. Time stopped for a moment and he lost his grasp on where he was. </p>
<p>"Ianto? Ianto, sweet one?" </p>
<p>Ianto's eyes focused. Jack was staring quizzically at him and gently stroking his face. </p>
<p>"Are you alright?"</p>
<p>Ianto blushed. "Yes, sir, I mean Jack. More than alright. I needed that." </p>
<p>Jack grinned mischievously.  "Was that your first time?" </p>
<p>"First time blacking out after an incredible orgasm?" </p>
<p>"No, first time with a man, I meant." </p>
<p>"Oh. Well the answer is yes to both. You're very... How do you do that??"</p>
<p>"It's one of my best talents. It's a shame I can't use it in catching aliens. Well... can't use it that often... I could tell you some stories." </p>
<p>"I bet you could," Ianto laughed. "I bet some of them are even true." </p>
<p>"Oh you!" </p>
<p>Jack ruffled his hair. </p>
<p>"But how was it?" </p>
<p>"Did you miss the part where I came so hard I blacked out?" </p>
<p>"Ha ha. I mean, how was it being with a man? Are you doing ok?"</p>
<p>"Yeah. It's... I dunno. It's great.  You’re… I mean, wow.." </p>
<p>"Well you're a natural at it." </p>
<p>"If you say so." </p>
<p>"Ianto, I don't want to get into numbers or anything but conservatively estimating, I have slept with more people than you will ever meet in your life. Men, women, non-binary folks (it's not well known as a concept right now but it will be - gender isn't a binary there are people who don't fit in the category of male or female). I have slept with humans, aliens, sentient plants (just the one time but man that was fun!). So please believe me when I say you are a good kisser." </p>
<p>Ianto laughed. "Well then. But Jack? How do you have the energy? You barely even sleep!" </p>
<p>Jack grinned. "I guess fucking gives me energy? Who knows. There's just so much out there. I want to see, hear, feel, taste, it all. Look, this needs to be said. Maybe not the best pillow talk but I don't want to lead you on. I will never be monogamous. It's just not me. Just one partner is never going to be enough for me. I don't want to presume anything, I don't know what you want. I like you. I enjoy having sex with you, I want to see you happy. But I need to be free to do what I want sexually."</p>
<p>"Yeah, no, I mean, that's cool." Ianto tried desperately to sound nonchalant. "It's ... I am good with casual. Whatever." </p>
<p>"Good. I think we can have a lot of fun." Jack gave him a filthy look. </p>
<p>"Right now? I am so tired I can't even think of doing anything."</p>
<p>"Goof, I meant in general." </p>
<p>Ianto smiled lazily at him. </p>
<p>"Ianto, will you stay? I mean just for tonight?" </p>
<p>Jack wanted to keep an eye on him. Wanted to make sure the dark thoughts didn't return. But he was making it look like he was the one who needed Ianto to stay. </p>
<p>"Of course."</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thanks so much for reading!   Please drop me a comment if you have thoughts.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Dreams</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>"You ok? Bad dreams?" </p><p>He must have woken Andy. She slept even worse than he did. </p><p>"Not bad. But dreams. There's another one of us." </p><p>*****  <br/>Ianto and Booker dream of each other</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>So now the crossover really gets started.  I hope you like how I brought all these characters together. Also, there's lots more smut at the end of the chapter, normally I would space those scenes out a bit but you can't do a chapter around "They Keep Killing Suzie" and not have sex in it.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Booker gasped awake from his dream. It was still fragments. A man, young, early twenties, English speaking but an accent. And so much pain. So much desperation. There had been pills. </p><p>No one else was awake. They all slept peacefully. That was weird. Normally everyone woke from the dream at the same time. They all sensed a death. Or so they had told him. As the youngest member of the team he hadn't experienced a new member. He had only had the dreams of all of them after his death. But something felt different about this. </p><p>Booker got up to make some coffee. He wasn't going to sleep the rest of tonight. Too bad it was terrible coffee. He missed Belgium so much sometimes.</p><p>"You ok? Bad dreams?" </p><p>He must have woken Andy. She slept even worse than he did. </p><p>"Not bad. But dreams. There's another one of us." </p><p>"I don't think so. I didn't have a dream. Joe and Nicky are fast asleep. The dreams come at the same time." </p><p>Booker ran a hand through his hair. </p><p>"There's another one. I felt it." </p><p>Andy leaned against the wall. </p><p>"Describe them." </p><p>"It's a man. Young. Early twenties. English speaking but an accent. I think Welsh? Beautiful. These luminescent blue eyes. Very sad. I think he took pills." </p><p>"Suicide? Hmm that's new. We've always died in battle. He a soldier?" </p><p>"I don't think so. Some sort of covert government thing."</p><p>"MI5? 6?" </p><p>"No.... That doesn't seem right. Less well funded, under the radar." </p><p>"UNIT?" </p><p>"Maybe. That's in the right ballpark. Wait, it was on the wall.... Torchwood?" </p><p>"Jesus. Alien hunters. Surprised he lived long enough to top himself." </p><p>"It was... Oh!" Booker gasped and held a hand to his mouth. A rarely demonstrative gesture for him. "He's not dead. He survived." </p><p>"Ok... But then..." </p><p>"He's one of us. I know. Just hasn't died yet." </p><p>He grabbed his coffee cup and headed to the living room. "I need to research. I will brief all of you later when I know more." </p><p> </p><p>               **************</p><p>Ianto woke up surrounded by warmth. Did he forget to turn the heat before he went to bed? But no, it was a body. He looked down, an arm was slung around his side, the hand resting on his chest. Leather wrist strap... Jack. He tensed a bit as it all flooded back to him. </p><p>"Morning sexy!" Jack's voice floated into his ear.</p><p>Jack hand idly stroked his chest hair. "Did you sleep ok?" </p><p>"No nightmares anyway." He shifted around so he was facing Jack. "I can't remember the last time I slept without nightmares." </p><p>Jack stroked his face. "I'm sorry. You're too young for so much pain." </p><p>He traced along the fading bruises on Ianto's chest. </p><p>"If I really cared for you, I would fire you. No one in Torchwood gets past 30." </p><p>Ianto's eyes flashed. "I am here by choice. I signed up for this. I'd rather die a hero before 30 than work till 70 at the factory my Da wanted me to work at." </p><p>Jack looked so incredibly sad. "I know. Nobody tells Ianto Jones what to do." </p><p>"Well in that we're a matched pair. Feel sorry for the person who thinks he can tell Jack Harkness what to do!" </p><p>Jack grinned. Ianto leaned in and kissed him. </p><p>  *****************************</p><p>Ianto woke with a start. The dream had not been particularly upsetting - nothing like the dreams of Lisa or the Shermans that he still had occasionally - but it had felt so real, like he was there. He had dreamed of the sad Frenchman again. Sometimes he dreamt of the other three strangers as well but those dreams were hazy. The dreams of the Frenchman felt altogether different. </p><p>The man had been drinking in a dive bar. He managed to anger someone and there had been a fight. The man fought with the same sort of carelessness for his own safety that Jack did. Who was he? </p><p>"Dreams again?" Jack had been writing at his desk. He got up and came to sit on the bed, putting an arm on Ianto's shoulder.</p><p>"Yes, but not the bad ones."</p><p>"Ooooh," Jack's voice dripped with innuendo, "there are good ones? Are they about me?" He started tracing circles with his finger on Ianto's shoulder. He had quickly learned what that did to Ianto. </p><p>"You're sure of yourself. As a matter of fact, no, they aren't about you.”</p><p>"Well, look at you, having sexy dreams about someone else! I love it. Tell me more!"</p><p>"They aren't sexy dreams. Just, I dunno, random vivid dreams." </p><p>"Well that's disappointing. But I am glad it wasn't the nightmares." </p><p>Ianto smiled at him. He still had that haunted look. All the ridiculousness with the stopwatch last night had only momentarily cleared the storm clouds. Suzie's most recent, hopefully permanent, demise had really gotten to Jack.</p><p>"Well, who needs sexy dreams when you are lying in Jack Harkness's bed?" Ianto arched an eyebrow at him. "It's better to wake up." </p><p>Jack looked suggestively down at the sheet covering Ianto's crotch. "Well something is waking up, anyway." </p><p>Ianto rolled his eyes but also smiled. "Do you want me to get the stopwatch out again, sir?" </p><p>Jack's eyes got dark. "I have some other ideas that don't involve the stopwatch."</p><p>"Go on." </p><p>Jack shimmied out of his briefs. And stood naked in front of Ianto. </p><p>"I see you are starting to wake up too." Ianto quipped. </p><p>Jack smiled as he pulled the sheet back from Ianto and sat on the bed. </p><p>"This is moving rather quickly." He gently stroked Ianto's cheek. "But... Well how would you feel about me fucking you?" </p><p>Ianto gulped. "Uh... Good? I think? Yes, I ... I mean I have never done it so... Well, I think it might be ... Um, the pain? But... Also, I don't.... well I have never done it. So I don't know what to do. Or if I’d be any good... But then... Yes. Yes I would like that a lot sir." </p><p>"That was quite the journey you took me on with that sentence." Jack's eyes were merry. "We can go slow. If it doesn't feel good, we stop. Ok? You don't need to do much. Just try to relax and let me in." </p><p>Ianto nodded. He was less turned on than terrified. But he wanted this. </p><p>"Ok just lie back, I'll take care of you." </p><p>“Are you essentially just telling me to lie back and think of England?  Because, you know, as a Welshman, that’s not all that relaxing…”  </p><p>“Ha!”  Jack snorted.</p><p>Ianto lay back on the bed as Jack fished around in his bedside table and pulled out a condom and lube. He put them to the side. </p><p>Then he moved so his body was covering Ianto's and they were face to face. The weight made Ianto feel safe and protected. </p><p>Jack's eyes twinkled. "You are extraordinarily beautiful Ianto Jones. Especially when you blush." </p><p>He leaned in and kissed him. It started gentle and sweet but when Ianto groaned in pleasure Jack deepened the kiss, grinding into Ianto. He could barely breathe but wanted more. </p><p>"I'm going to get you ready for me." Jack said with an impish grin. </p><p>He began to kiss and lick along Ianto's jaw and down his neck. Ianto moaned as Jack moved to his chest. Ianto arched his back, pushing up into Jack as Jack sucked one of his nipples into his mouth and bit lightly. He began stroking Ianto’s side. Then he kissed down to Ianto’s belly button.  And then he stopped. </p><p>“Wha…” Ianto attempted to form a question.</p><p>“I need to make you ready for me.”  Jack leaned back and sat as he reached for the condom and lube.  “I’m going to go in with my fingers so you get used to the feeling. Is that okay? Say stop if it gets too much.  We can talk about safe words later.  I want this to make you feel good. We go as slow as you need.” </p><p>Ianto nodded.</p><p>Jack put his hands on Ianto’s thighs. “Ok, can you bend your knees for me, so I can get in there?” </p><p>Ianto complied as Jack poured some lube onto his hands and coated them.  He moved down and started to circle Ianto’s hole with a finger. </p><p>“Fuuuuck!! That feels good.” Ianto called out.  </p><p>“Just try to relax, let me in.”  Jack pushed slightly and penetrated Ianto with his finger.  </p><p>Ianto gasped and felt the panic rise a bit.  He tried to breathe, he had never felt like this before. The mixture of pleasure and pain went to his head. </p><p>Jack was slow and patient. He slid his finger in and out and moved it until Ianto expression was more pleasure than pain.  Then he added another finger and did the same.  Then he hit the spot that made Ianto yell out.  Pleasure exploded through his body. </p><p>“I think you’re ready for something bigger.” Jack grinned and he pulled his fingers out and went to open the condom.  Ianto couldn’t speak:  he just watched, eyes wide, as Jack put the condom on and then slicked lube onto it.  </p><p>And then the sensation of being invaded.  Jack was slow and gentle as he pushed himself in but the stretch hurt momentarily.  </p><p>“Are you okay?” Jack had noticed Ianto’s wince.</p><p>“It’s.. I’m okay, just, different.”  </p><p>Jack pushed Ianto’s legs higher and leaned up and kissed him.</p><p>“You are doing so well. You take my cock like you were born for it.” </p><p>Ianto tightened his muscles to create more friction for Jack.</p><p>“Fuuuuuck Ianto, you’re a natural.  Ugh, so tight and hot.”  </p><p>Jack gently thrust in and out.  Ianto got used to the burn and his arousal started to build again.  </p><p>“Ha…. Harder..” it was almost a whisper.  </p><p>Jack grinned and increased the intensity of the thrusts.  Ianto found himself moving too. Raising his hips to meet Jack’s thrusts.  </p><p>Then Jack wrapped his slender hand around Ianto’s cock and began to pump in time with his thrusts.  Ianto felt pins and needles of pleasure throughout his entire body.  He was completely undone.  </p><p>And then the orgasm hit.  He yelled and convulsed.  </p><p>Jack increased the pace of his thrusts slamming into Ianto until he called out as he came.  </p><p>After Jack had found a washcloth and cleaned them both up they lay on Jack’s bed.  </p><p>“Was it okay?  Did it hurt?”</p><p>“A bit, but Jack, you were a perfect gentlemen.”  </p><p>“That’s how I get all the guys, girls, and non-binary folks.” Jack laughed.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thanks so much for reading!  I am not sure how this chapter will land - it moves around in tone so much.  But I would love to hear what you think.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Hope there's someone...</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>“Right.  I don’t know why it is just me but I’ve had four dreams about this man now. I know he’s one of us.  I *feel* it.  Those dreams aren’t like the dreams I have about my family. They feel real, like I’m there.”</p>
<p>******* </p>
<p>Booker tries to brief the team about his dreams.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This is based on the edges of "Random Shoes"</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Booker looked at the three faces around him. He could tell they all thought he was having a break with reality or something.  Why hadn’t any of them had the dreams?</p>
<p>“Right.  I don’t know why it is just me but I’ve had four dreams about this man now. I know he’s one of us.  I *feel* it.  Those dreams aren’t like the dreams I have about my family. They feel real, like I’m there.”</p>
<p>Joe was gently massaging Nicky’s back, probably without even realizing he was doing it.  They both looked at him what that bullshit pity that they looked at everyone who wasn’t each other with. But they especially looked at Booker like that, especially any time he said anything about family.  He wanted to punch them both most of the time. Fuck them for still having each other.</p>
<p>“So I’ve done some research…”</p>
<p>“Some?  Book your room looks like a serial killer den.” Andy was trying to make light of this but he could see the look of pity and distress on her face too.  </p>
<p>Booker ignored her.  “Here’s what I know.  His name is Ianto Jones.  He’s 24, almost 25, Welsh, lives in Cardiff. He’s been involved with a very secretive agency that tracks alien incursions into earth since he was 18.  It’s called Torchwood. They are outside the government and beyond the police. They cooperate with UNIT.” </p>
<p>Everyone looked dismayed at that. </p>
<p>“Though they keep their own secrets.” He added to try and allay their fears.  </p>
<p>“He worked for Torchwood One in London until it was destroyed in the Battle of Canary Wharf.” </p>
<p>“When the weird pepperpot things fought the robots?” Joe asked.</p>
<p>“Daleks and cybermen.  Both are incredibly deadly.” Andy said. “And I will remind you, we know UNIT is altogether too cosy with a few big pharmaceutical compaines.  So I don’t like this one bit…” </p>
<p>“Andy, if he’s one of us it doesn’t matter.  We have a duty.  We can try to talk him out of the alien hunting. Anyway, Ianto is one of 27 survivors of Canary Wharf. And one of an even smaller number of those still alive. Many died by suicide in the months after.”</p>
<p>“Except didn’t he…” </p>
<p>“Yes, Nicky, I’m getting to that.  Ianto attempted suicide several weeks ago.  I believe that’s why I started dreaming about him.  He didn’t die or you would all be dreaming about him too.  But it was enough to connect him to me. After Canary Wharf Ianto returned home to Cardiff and managed to get a job at Torchwood Three.  Torchwood is extremely dangerous. It is very rare that anyone lives past 30 in that organization, with a notable exception.” </p>
<p>“So Bookie only has to wait 5 years for his crush to die.” Nicky joked. </p>
<p>“Oh, just wait,” Andy rolled her eyes, “he hasn’t told you about Ianto’s boyfriend yet. He’s quite the exception.” </p>
<p>He didn’t really understand why he hung out with these assholes.  </p>
<p>“Yes, he’s in a casual - more casual than he wants, I think - relationship with the leader of Torchwood Three.  Captain Jack Harkness.” Booker pointed to a picture on his wall of Jack.  “Who is apparently immortal like us.  But not like us in that it’s artificial. Alien tech inadvertently made him immortal. No one really knows.”</p>
<p>“Pft, he’s a fake immortal.” Andy scoffed.</p>
<p>“Andy, if you keep coming back to life after someone kills you, you’re immortal. Just because it didn’t just magically happen like it did with us, doesn’t mean he’s not really immortal.” </p>
<p>“Why do we know that name and face?” Joe asked. “Nicky - we’ve met him right?  He was trying to get us to do a threesome with him?” </p>
<p>“Ooooh, wait.  Dresses like a WWII captain?  Blue eyes?  Huge flirt? Yes, I think he was in Malta one time. He’s cute!”  </p>
<p>Joe looked non-plussed.</p>
<p>“Yussef!  Not cute enough to make me take a second look.  Especially not when my beautiful love is in the room. You are all that I need. You fill my world with sunshine.  You’re so gorgeous when you’re jealous though.” </p>
<p>They looked fondly at each other and leaned in for a kiss.</p>
<p>“For fuck sakes.” Andy rolled her eyes.  “Can we get back to the fact that this supposed immortal already has a boyfriend and Booker just needs to get over it.”  </p>
<p>“You are all impossible. I don’t have a crush on him. He’s one of us.  We don’t leave any of us behind - not ever.” </p>
<p>Andy looked like she was going to murder him. Joe and Nicky suddenly became interested in a pattern on the floor.</p>
<p>“Oh no, Andy!  I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean it that way.”</p>
<p>“I think,” her voice was calm and even, a bad sign, “that you are wasting your time. If he’s one of us, we’ll find out soon enough.  Given the life expectancy where he works, he’s not got much time left of his mortal life. But Booker… I care about you.  And this obsession…” she gestured to all the pictures and string, “what if he’s not immortal? How will you handle that?”  </p>
<p>“I know it. I know it in my bones. I have never been more sure of something.”</p>
<p>“But we don’t dream about each other when we are alive.”  </p>
<p>“Actually!” Nicky perked up.  “Joe and I dreamed about each other for years before we met on the battlefield.” </p>
<p>“I think it’s fate!” Joe was nodding.  “You are tied to his soul and he to yours.” </p>
<p>“What about Captain Fucks-a-lot? I do not want to watch two immortals fight over a boy, regardless of how pretty he is.” </p>
<p>“Somehow I don’t think Captain Jack is all that into monogamy.” Joe said thoughtfully, “You could probably share him?”  </p>
<p>Booker gave him a murderous look.  </p>
<p>“I think we should ask this Ianto what he wants before we plan his immortal dating life for him, sweetie” Nicky said gently.  </p>
<p>Andy rolled her eyes.  “Like I said, I think either way, you’re going to get your heart broken.  But whatever, it’s your life. We’re between jobs so I don’t care what you do.  Stalk him all you like.  But as soon as we’re on a job I need you 24/7 working on research for that.  I don’t want sloppy mistakes because you’re mooning over some pretty Welsh boy.” </p>
<p>           **********************</p>
<p>Ianto sat in the archives listing some artifacts including an alien eye.  Everyone else had gone home and Jack was up in his office - ostensibly working on a report - but Ianto suspected he was just playing solitaire on his computer. </p>
<p>Ianto turned up the volume on the CD he was playing.  The mellifluous voice rang out through the archives:  “Hope there’s someone who’ll take care of me,/ when I die, will I go?”   He’d been playing this album - but mostly this song - on repeat in recent weeks.  It made him sad but not in a specific way.  He found it comforting</p>
<p>His thoughts wandered to the mysterious Frenchman.  He had no idea what his name was or what his story was.  But he knew him.  He seemed to sense when he was the man was sad and desperate and when he felt moments of joy.  How could he know so little and so much about this man at the same time?  And did it run both ways?  Did the man know him too?</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thanks for reading!!  </p>
<p>In an earlier draft of this chapter Ianto doesn't appear at all - which was my little joke about how Ianto appears like twice in "Random Shoes" and I think has three lines of dialogue total?  But I decided that wasn't that funny so I added the three paragraphs at the end.  I really don't like "Random Shoes" - I find it a little boring and annoying (it's too same-y to "Adrift" but without as much emotional resonance - in my opinion anyway).  But the one highlight of the episode for me is the Anohni song ("Hope There's Someone") that plays 3/4 of the way through, so I put that in this chapter.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Searching</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>"Jack, it's ok. You did your best." </p>
<p>Jack looked rueful. "My best is demonstrably not enough. They all keep dying." </p>
<p>Ianto went to put a hand on his shoulder but Jack moved away.  He was in one of his moods again.  </p>
<p>Ianto searches for Booker</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This is set around the edges of "Out of Time".</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Ianto pulled the SUV into the underground bay. Jack, who must have driven erratically and far too fast, had beat him back. Ianto's car was in the spot next to the van. The body was still in it so he hadn't beaten Ianto by that much time. </p>
<p>Ianto heard wheels on the pavement and turned to see Jack grimly wheeling a gurney towards the car. Ianto's breath caught in his throat as he remembered Lisa on that gurney.</p>
<p>Jack looked at him sadly as he approached the car. </p>
<p>"I'll see to the cleaning. It was.... I didn't get there in time. Couldn't change it. But... I know how this is. I don't want bad memories for you. With... You know, recent events. Do you want me to buy you a new car?" </p>
<p>"Jack, it's ok. You did your best." </p>
<p>Jack looked rueful. "My best is demonstrably not enough. They all keep dying." </p>
<p>Ianto went to put a hand on his shoulder but Jack moved away.  He was in one of his moods again.  </p>
<p>“Let’s get this body into the morgue.  Can you do the paperwork?  I need to not be here.”</p>
<p>Ianto sighed internally and went to help Jack lift John’s body onto the gurney.  </p>
<p>“Of course.”</p>
<p>“I’ll get your car cleaned.  Take the SUV home tonight, just bring it back tomorrow.”  He said laconically. </p>
<p>Ianto nodded as they wheeled the gurney into the lift.  </p>
<p>“Time travel isn’t for everyone.” Jack said as the doors closed.  </p>
<p>“I’m sorry.” Ianto said.  “I know you liked him.”  </p>
<p>“I didn’t really know him.  But I did know him.  In some ways. I knew how it felt. All his family dead, his son with no memory of him...” </p>
<p>Ianto nodded sympathetically.  </p>
<p>When they got to the morgue Jack paused.</p>
<p>“Can you take it from here?  Put the cause of death as suicide. I need to go.”</p>
<p>“Jack?”  Ianto didn’t know how to put it in words. “I know that feeling too. We all go through it, even if we don’t live as long as you have.  I could… Maybe… You know?”  He paused.  “Can you let me take care of you?” </p>
<p>Jack winced. “Ianto, I just can’t right now.  Not when…. I just can’t.  I need meaningless and anonymous right now. I just don’t want to think about it. I just want to fuck and forget.” </p>
<p>“I mean… we’re casual. It doesn’t need to mean anything.”  </p>
<p>“Oh Ianto…”  He moved to cup Ianto’s face. “It’s never meaningless with you. And I will never forget you, ever.”</p>
<p>Ianto leaned into his touch. He should have been playing this cool but he couldn’t. <br/>“But right now I need to go fuck a rando or two or ten.” </p>
<p>“Jack, one of these days you need to let someone in. It’s not good for you, this freezing people out. It doesn’t have to be me, it can be Gwen or Tosh or…. Well it wouldn’t be Owen.  Just fucking talk to one of us.  Tell us what’s behind those troubled eyes.  Your secrets are eating you from the inside.”  </p>
<p>Jack seemed surprised and then his face went blank.  </p>
<p>“Back off Ianto, I mean it. I can handle myself. You don’t know me and you don’t know what I need.”  He turned on his heel and strode out of the morgue.</p>
<p>“Yeah? And who’s fault is that?” Ianto yelled after him like a petulant child.  </p>
<p>That was studpid. Jack was going to be Jack and he couldn’t change him no matter how he yelled.  He turned to the body and began working on the paperwork.  </p>
<p>*************</p>
<p>Ianto woke up with a start.  That was different. He’d had a nightmare, same as always, tearing of flesh and metal, screams, Lisa recriminating, the Shermans and their baseball bats.  But when things were closing in on him, there was a hand.  It was callosed and slightly dirty, no doubt it belonged to someone who had lived.  He grabbed the hand and was pulled away from it all. “Just let them go for now Ianto.”  a mellifluous French accented voice said softly. “Just rest.” <br/>He looked around but saw no one.  Then suddenly like an image on a movie screen a screen came into focus.  It was the Frenchman again.  He was drinking in a bar.  He looked haunted like always but also determined. He looked up. It seemed like he was looking at Ianto but maybe only in his mind?  His face broke into a smile. Ianto felt breathless. This man was beautiful. He hadn’t felt any kind of attraction to any other men than Jack.  He thought maybe he was just Jack-sexual? Or maybe everyone was attracted to Jack, no matter their orientation. But looking at this man’s soulful eyes and stub nose, he couldn’t deny the desire running through his veins. And then he woke up.  </p>
<p>The clock said 3:17.  But there was no way he was going to sleep now.  Did he just invent this man to distract himself from Jack?  He booted up his laptop and opened the police drawing software that Gwen had brought to Torchwood.  He didn’t really have any artistic ability to speak of but the software was really user friendly. After a lot of fiddling he had a drawing that looked remotely like the man in his dreams.  He ran the image through the high powered image recognition bot that Tosh had designed and set it to trawl as much of the web, including the dark web,  as possible for anyone who looked like this. Whilst he waited, he thought about how as much as he wanted to be  James Bond he was always more of a Q.  </p>
<p>When the bot finished running there were a few hits, some were not the man.  But he found one that was. It was a reproduction of a daguerreotype - a man in an American Civil War uniform. It could have been a relative but the feeling that Ianto got in his stomach told him it was him.</p>
<p>“Oh for fuck sakes. Apparently I have a type and it is sad time travellers wearing military garb.” Ianto rolled his eyes at himself. </p>
<p>His theory was confirmed when he used the photo to run another image search and found several more photos, the man was never the centre of the picture - often in the background or side. But Ianto was certain it was the man from his dream.  There were several images of the other three people he had seen in his first dream. They occasionally appeared in his dreams again but not as often as the French man. He wondered if Jack knew these people. Were they other time travelers like him?  But there was absolutely nothing alien seeming about these people.  None of his search filters with alien activity turned up a match with the man.  </p>
<p>He ran several other searches and tried search terms but he could only turn up images, no name. </p>
<p>“Damn. Who are you?” </p>
<p>                        **********************************************</p>
<p>Booker stifled a yawn.  The research for the upcoming job was pretty routine and straightforward. He was just putting the finishing touches on his report for the group when his computer pinged. A notification popped up of someone doing an image search on him. It frustrated Booker that Andy wouldn’t let him scrub the web of the few pictures that were there so he set up complex notification systems so at least he would know if anyone was trying to figure him out. The job seemed on the up and up, were they doing extra research on him? That was worrying.  He clicked through the report and put a hand to his mouth and gasped. It was him.</p>
<p>“Andy!”  He bellowed.  He didn’t know why he was calling her, she’d probably just shit on him about this.  But he didn’t want to give Joe and Nicky more fuel for the ribbing they were giving him about his recent obsession.</p>
<p>“What? You in trouble?”  Andy was in the room instantly.  </p>
<p>“No.  No.  I’m actually really good.  Look, I am minutes away from your report. I swear I wasn’t distracted.” </p>
<p>“Fuck Booker is this about the Welsh kid again?  If he isn’t dead I don’t want to hear it.” </p>
<p>“Are you jealous? Why are you riding my ass so hard about this?” </p>
<p>“Jesus Booker, that was *one* time and you weren’t even that good. Fucking started crying after you came, I mean how’s that supposed to make me feel sexy? I am not jealous of where you  want to stick your mediocre prick. Disastrous one night stand aside you are my friend and I care about you, in a friend way. I don’t want to see you hurt.” </p>
<p>“I get it Andy. But I know what I’m doing. Look anyway, I didn’t seek him out this time.  He’s looking for me.”  </p>
<p>“Booker, what are you talking about?  How did he know how to reach you?”</p>
<p>“Look I set up that notification system in case anyone reverse image searches us.  And I was minding my business, finishing the report.  And then…. He searched me! Do you know what that means Andy?”</p>
<p>“I feel like you’re doing to tell me anyway.”  </p>
<p>“It means he’s dreaming of me too.  How else would he know my face?”</p>
<p>“But how did he get a picture of you?” </p>
<p>“Andy, this man is clever! His research skills - mon dieu! So good. He used this police identification software thing and then found an image, and then used that image to search again. Fucking briliant.  I have to meet him.”</p>
<p>“Oh Sebastien.  No. No you can’t do that.”  </p>
<p>"But why not? He's one of us." </p>
<p>"He's not one of us yet. Can't you just wait till he dies?"</p>
<p>Brooker threw up his hands. </p>
<p>Andy rolled her eyes. "Look, we need to do this job. You committed. But," Andy sighed loudly. "after the job you can go find Dylan Thomas: Alien hunter." </p>
<p>Booker grinned. </p>
<p>"But Book...?"</p>
<p>"Mmmm?"</p>
<p>"Don't, no matter what happens, don't tell him that you think he's immortal." </p>
<p>"Why?" </p>
<p>"Think of the implications if you're wrong."</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thanks for reading! Obviously I am not an expert on computers so I have no idea if any of the technical things I describe make any sense.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Information</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>He also hated not knowing things. Information gave him options. He could make a strategy, weigh all the alternatives and find the best way forward. With enough information there wasn't a problem in the world that couldn't be solved. But how did you solve a problem like Jack?</p>
<p>********</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This is a fairly short chapter but for some reason it took me a long time to edit.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Ianto was hiding in the archives. Technically he was working on his refoldering project but really he was hiding from Jack. He shouldn't have said those things last night. He came off as needy and pathetic. </p>
<p>He didn't expect monogamy from Jack. It didn't bother him, well it didn't bother him that much, anyway, that Jack went out on the pull. But it was the absolute misery in his eyes that he refused to discuss that worried Ianto. Ianto wanted to help.  He wanted to pull Jack back from the brink like Jack had done for him.   </p>
<p>But it was just a fling. Jack wasn't his boyfriend. He couldn't expect Jack to tell him everything just because they were fucking. He shouldn't have expected that. That he felt so comfortable telling Jack everything was his own thing that he needed to deal with.  But he hated how unequal the flow of information was.  That, more than that Jack was his boss and a presumably ageless time traveler, made their connection feel unequal. </p>
<p>He also hated not knowing things. Information gave him options. He could make a strategy, weigh all the alternatives and find the best way forward. With enough information there wasn't a problem in the world that couldn't be solved. But how did you solve a problem like Jack?</p>
<p>He had gotten through half of his big box of new folders, and was halfway through singing "How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria" in his head when he heard Jack on the stairs. </p>
<p>"Yeah, this is a real casual thing," he thought ruefully, "you recognize the sound of his footsteps." </p>
<p>"I got your car cleaned this morning." Jack said as he peeked around the door. He walked in and handed Ianto the keys. </p>
<p>"Thank you." </p>
<p>"So.... Ianto, look. I run, it's what I do." Jack sat on one of the archival carts Ianto had just cleared. "But I always come back. I will always come back. I'll come back to you. To all of you.  I just need to run when it gets too much." </p>
<p>"I understand." Ianto said. "I was out of line last night."</p>
<p>"Oh Ianto. I love that you tried to help. You feel things so strongly." </p>
<p>He got up and went to Ianto. "Don't change who you are." He cupped Ianto's face in his hands. "But know I just can't always be present. And you’re never going to fix me." </p>
<p>Jack leaned in and kissed Ianto so sweetly.</p>
<p>They were interrupted by a Weevil alarm.</p>
<p>"To be continued." Jack said. “I don’t know why we always get Weevil alarms when I’ve given the team the night off.”  </p>
<p>“Do you want me to come with you?”  Ianto asked, trying to hide that he was offended by what Jack said about the whole team since he was clearly still working.  </p>
<p>“Uh, better not.  I need someone trained - don’t want to risk it.  Besides you’ve got this important… uh… ‘putting things in boxes’ job to do.”   </p>
<p>Jack patted him on the shoulder and ran out.  </p>
<p>Ianto sighed and went back to work. Nevermind that the first time he met Jack he helped him catch a Weevil or that he’d gotten extensive training at Torchwood One.  He was just the tea-boy who “put things in boxes” in the archives. </p>
<p>But then he felt something.  It was like a presence near him. It wasn’t an unwelcome feeling.  It was oddly comforting. Like someone was there, looking out for him, really seeing him. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>                    *********************</p>
<p>Booker sat back in his seat and looked out the window of the airplane.  They’d be landing soon and then on to the job.  He really should have been planning out their route and thinking of possible complications in his head. </p>
<p>But he wasn’t able to stop his thoughts from drifting back to the mysterious Welshman.  He could feel his frustration and sadness like a punch in the stomach. He needed to meet this man.  This link with him was completely unnerving. He could sense all these emotions but not do anything to help soothe them.  He wished he could somehow make Ianto feel better. He so desperately wanted to talk to him. These feelings of self-doubt and recriminations he sensed made Booker so sad. This man whose mind seemed so nimble and creative seemed not to see at all what was special about himself.  </p>
<p>Booked sighed.  If he could meet Ianto he knew they would become friends. The thought of being able to talk to Ianto and see that beautiful mind in action in person was incredibly pleasing to him. Really it was just about friendship, that’s all he wanted. He didn’t have any expectations beyond that - regardless of what Joe and Nicky were always implying. It was perfectly natural to think about a potential friend night and day and be almost desperate to meet them.  </p>
<p>As soon as this job was finished he was going to make a plan and get to Cardiff.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thanks for reading!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. Just a tea boy?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Of course Jack needed to be alone.  Of course he had his coping mechanisms that didn’t involve Ianto.  He knew before he went to Jack’s office.  He knew he should have just left well enough alone.  But he kept hearing Owen’s voice in his head:  </p><p>“You’re just a tea boy”   </p><p>“In your dreams, Ianto. In your sad wet dreams when you’re his part-time shag maybe.”  </p><p>******* </p><p>Ianto asks Tosh about her and Jack's trip to the past.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This is set around the edges of "Captain Jack Harkness"</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Jack was in a mood.  He snarled at Owen - which was well deserved - and he barely acknowledged Gwen.  At least, Ianto noted, he talked to Tosh for a while.  As everyone was leaving for the day he sat in his office drinking.  Ianto knocked lightly at Jack’s door.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ianto, look, I just don’t have the energy for your attempts to play therapist. It’s too much.  I can’t.. You’re the last person I want to see right now.  I just need to be alone so I can wallow.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sir… I… I just wanted to see if there was anything I could… I’m sorry.”  Ianto said as he turned to go because he did not want Jack to see his face right then.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s not you Ianto… That came out wrong.”  Jack called after him.   </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Of course Jack needed to be alone.  Of course he had his coping mechanisms that didn’t involve Ianto.  He knew before he went to Jack’s office.  He knew he should have just left well enough alone.  But he kept hearing Owen’s voice in his head:  </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“You’re just a tea boy”   </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“In your dreams, Ianto. In your sad wet dreams when you’re his part-time shag maybe.”  </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>And the thing was, Owen was a huge asshole, but was he wrong?  Jack clearly didn’t need him. He would allow that Jack wanted him sometimes.  But essentially he was a part time shag.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Tosh!”  He called out to Tosh’s departing figure as she headed for the cog door.  He had no idea why he was being so doggedly determined about this. The need to understand Jack was just overpowering.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tosh turned at the door and looked warilly at Ianto as he caught up.  Now he really needed to know what happened.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey, I am so sorry to put you on the spot.”  He said as they walked through the door together.  “But can you tell me what happened?  Why Jack is so upset?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, Ianto.”  Tosh looked so sad.  “I don’t know.  Why do you need to know?  Will it help?  He’s just a moody asshole sometimes.  It doesn’t mean you’re not important to him.”  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Tosh, I just… I don’t know why but I really need to know.  I’m just going to imagine all sorts of things.  Can you please tell me?  I swear I will not let on at all that you said anything.  I just need to understand why he’s so destroyed right now.  To see if there’s anything we can do.”   </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“There really isn’t, Ianto.  He’s just grieving. He’ll be okay.  He always is.  There’s always so many dear ones to grieve but he always bounces back and then starts sending us weird animal facts.”  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dear ones?”  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh shit, Ianto.  Look, I really don’t think you need or want to hear this.”  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Please Tosh?”  He hated how his voice sounded.  He didn’t even know why he was doing this.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They had reached the outside door to the Tourist office.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay, but you really must promise you won’t tell him I said anything.”  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Cross my heart…”  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They stepped outside onto the boardwalk.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tosh told him about the dance and about the real Captain Jack Harkness as they walked along the boardwalk.   </span>
</p><p>
  <span>After she finished she looked at Ianto with concern.  “He just got caught up in the moment of it.  He was attracted to the tragedy of this man with his name. It doesn’t take away from what he feels for you.”  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh Tosh, you don’t have to sugar coat it.  I don’t think he really feels anything for me. We’re just… Well, it’s convenient. When Owen was trying to open the Rift, he said some things.  Some things about how I was just a part time shag to Jack.”  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh no Ianto! I completely disagree. Owen can be a huge asshole - you know that.  I have a crush on him and even I know that.  He is such a little wiry ball of pain.  He thinks he’s hiding it with his bravado but he’s so obvious.  He’s lashing out because you have someone and Diane wanted to be in her time more than she wanted to be with him.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I mean, I know.  I’ve seen Owen’s HR file, he’s been through some trauma. But, when he said that, it hurt because I think he’s right.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I think Jack feels for you. He probably won’t say it or act like it.  That man has defenses.  Do you know, when I had that pendant from Mary, I tried to read his mind - to figure out where he was at with the transporter.  And I got nowhere. He said he wasn’t doing anything but I think he was blocking me.  He just keeps us all out, keeps his feelings locked away.  But I think he has them.  He is just afraid to show them. I don’t know why but that’s what I think.”  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Oh, don’t give me hope.  How can I get over him if I think there’s a chance. If I can only figure him out enough to get through the surface.  I don’t think I can.  But if I think there’s hope, I won’t stop trying.”  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m so sorry.  I don’t know if… I don’t want to sound cruel.  But I don’t know if it’s worth it.  So you twist yourself around and you get in.  Where does that leave you?  What does that leave you?  Ianto, I love you like a brother, I just wish you’d look out for yourself the way you look out for the rest of us.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>*******</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Another dream, another mystery. More sheets soaked in sweat. This time Ianto saw the Frenchman in some sort of fire fight. He was shot in the head, an unsurvivable wound. But then his body healed itself and he got up again. He and the others rescued hostages and spirited them away. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>This was different. Was the Frenchman a time traveller or was he immortal? Or maybe both. Should he ask Jack about it? </span>
</p><p>
  <span>But he didn't want to share this with Jack. He didn't want Jack making jokes or comments about a threesome. Jack had his life where he went in the prowl and did who knows what with who knows who. Or where he went back in time and made out with the man whose name he stole. Ianto didn't want to know. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>So this beautiful Frenchman was just for Ianto. It didn't matter. He would never meet this mystery man. In fact it was probably better if he never met him. No doubt the reality would be a disappointment after what he built up in his mind.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Besides, if he asked Jack he would probably have to talk about whether Jack himself was immortal. From the parts of Jack's file that Ianto had clearance to see it was clear he'd been at Torchwood for a very long time. Immortality seemed to be the only logical explanation for lasting that long at Torchwood.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He was distracted from his thoughts by a ping from his cellphone. </span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thanks for reading!  One more chapter left of Season 1.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. Don't Leave Me This Way</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>"Ooooh were you sleeping naked? Can you send me pics?" </p>
<p>Ianto sent an eye roll emoji back. At least Jack was out of his depressed, everyone dies, I'm going go have anonymous grief sex or just wallow in my bunker mood.</p>
<p>*******</p>
<p>Is it the end or just an end?</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This is based around the edges of "End of Days"</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"You up? Things are falling apart. Fucking Owen opening the Rift. I'm glad you shot him." the text from Jack read. </p>
<p>"I'm awake, sir." He texted back. "I'll throw on some clothes and be at the Hub as soon as I can."</p>
<p>"Ooooh were you sleeping naked? Can you send me pics?" </p>
<p>Ianto sent an eye roll emoji back. At least Jack was out of his depressed, everyone dies, I'm going go have anonymous grief sex or just wallow in my bunker mood. </p>
<p>Ianto rushed into the Hub. Tosh was rapidly typing away at her computer. </p>
<p>"Ianto! Hey! You got called in too? Things are so out of whack. There's all these time shifts."</p>
<p>"Are you logging or should I?"</p>
<p>"I'm running an analysis to predict potential bleed through places so we can predict where the time rips appear. Can you get me data on the time periods folks are coming from?"</p>
<p>"On it! But I'm going to make us all some coffee first."</p>
<p>"You're an angel, Ianto!" Ianto looked up, Jack was standing on the bridge. </p>
<p>Ianto waved  and hurried to the break room. He'd almost finished the coffee when Jack appeared in the doorway. </p>
<p>"Thanks for coming in so early. "</p>
<p>"No problem."</p>
<p>"I am sorry about last night.  I didn’t mean that I didn’t want to see *you* - just that I didn’t want to see anyone.” </p>
<p>“I know, sir.” </p>
<p>“And I know you are going to see my report, so I just wanted to tell you. My name isn't Jack Harkness. I mean, I've been using that name so long it does feel like it is my name but I took it from an American captain who died in WWII.   We met him when we got pulled into the past. I didn't know he was so.... Well such a hero and so dashing."</p>
<p>"I'm sorry Jack... Can I still call you Jack?" </p>
<p>Jack nodded.</p>
<p>"I know how hard it is to always lose people."</p>
<p>"You don't really Ianto. But it is nice of you to say." </p>
<p>“I mean, I…” </p>
<p>Jack moved over to Ianto. "How do you look so good at such an ungodly hour?"</p>
<p>Ianto smiled. "Haven't been too great at sleeping lately." </p>
<p>Jack smoothed a hand down the side of Ianto's face. "I wish I could take all the worries and pain from those gorgeous blue eyes. You know, that’s what… when we’re having sex, when I'm inside you... Your eyes... They get darker and the pain goes away a bit replaced by pure pleasure. It makes me… The clouds lift and I see what it could be like if we were normal people who just met in a club or something. Just two men fucking each other's brains out because it feels good, not to try to distract themselves from all the pain, death, cyberpeople, aliens bent on destroying the earth." </p>
<p>Ianto was speechless. He just stared. And when Jack leaned in and kissed him he kissed Jack back with an intensity that knocked them both against the wall of the break room. </p>
<p>"Gwen will be dragging her lazy ass in here for your coffee in a few minutes but I am not leaving this room until both of us have an orgasm." Jack was unbuckling both of their belts as he spoke. Ianto zipped down his fly and pulled his trousers and boxers down as Jack did the same. </p>
<p>Jack quickly took both of their hard cocks in his hand and began to pump up and down. </p>
<p>Ianto moaned and leaned his head against Jack’s. Focusing on the feel of Jack all around him. The skin on skin. He wasn't going to last long. </p>
<p>Then they were both coming. Ianto put an arm over his mouth to suppress a shout. </p>
<p>"Just what I needed, Jones." Jack said as he grabbed paper towels and cleaned them up. </p>
<p>"Yes, sir. Me too." </p>
<p>"Let's go fix that mess that Owen made.</p>
<p>************"<br/>
Booker sighed in frustration.  It seemed that every single flight into Cardiff was cancelled.  He couldn’t get a flight for that day at all. And the website advised not booking anything for the next week because of the backlog of cancelled flights. What the hell was going on?  He worried it was something that Torchwood would have to deal with.  He could feel a sort of panic coming off of Ianto. No doubt whatever was happening it would be dangerous like everything.  </p>
<p>He knew that Ianto was immortal.  There was no way he couldn’t be.  And yet, he was terrified when he thought of Ianto being in danger and of the horrible life expectancy at Torchwood.  If there was even the slightest chance that he was wrong about the immortality, which he wasn’t, what then?  He didn’t even want to think about it.  </p>
<p>“Booker?”  Andy called as she walked into the safe house the team was staying at.  “You home? I have a really big favour.”  </p>
<p>“In here!”  Booker called back.</p>
<p>“Look, I know I said you could go to Cardiff.  But I really need help with updating our network.  You know I can’t do any of the computer stuff and hackers are a really big problem these days.”  </p>
<p>“Andy, are you trying to prevent me from going?”   </p>
<p>“No!  Honestly I am not.  I think it’s dumb that you’re running off to have your heart broken by Jack’s boytoy And I wish I could talk some sense into you.  But I’m not being that dumb and underhanded.  You know I suck at computers.”</p>
<p>Booker sighed.  “Well it’s not like I can get there anyway,”  he motioned to his computer screen, “the flights are all…. What the…?”   </p>
<p>The website was neither registering any delays or cancelled flights.  There was no more mention of warnings for backlogged flights.  </p>
<p>“That’s so weird.  Just a few minutes ago you couldn’t get a flight there for the next few weeks.”  </p>
<p>And then, he was hit with a wave of absolute misery.  He had never sensed such hopelessness coming from Ianto before.   </p>
<p>*************</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ianto paced back and forth in the archives. Well, he'd been right about Jack's immortality. But how many lives did Jack have? </p>
<p>No, Ianto couldn't go there. He couldn't allow the possibility that Jack had a finite amount of lives. That Jack might have… </p>
<p>He ran a hand through his hair and scratched the back of his head. Jack would be fine. He had to be fine. He had seen how dead Jack looked after Owen shot him, and he came back from that. Besides, he couldn't leave them to deal with the Rift alone. </p>
<p>But of course it wasn't as if  Jack had a choice.  He couldn’t will himself alive again - and Ianto suspected if he had had that choice, he may have chosen to stay dead. It was clear that Jack viewed his immortality as a curse. It was the thing that kept him distant from all his loved ones.  He knew he would see them grow old and die but he wouldn’t.  Ianto couldn’t imagine that.  He’d barely survived Lisa’s demise. But to know that you would outlive everyone in your life?  </p>
<p>So part of him thought that Jack would be happier if he stayed dead this time. But a bigger part of him couldn’t bear that possibility.  </p>
<p>But it had been days.  Days passed and Jack still lay still and cold on the slab in the morgue.  </p>
<p>“I think he’ll come back.”  Tosh had made her way down to the archives.  </p>
<p>“But… It was bad Tosh.  He lost so many lives, thousands, millions maybe… What if he only has so many?”  Ianto’s voice cracked and he began to sob.  </p>
<p>“Oh! Ianto!”  Tosh ran to him and enveloped him in a sisterly hug.  “It’s okay, it’s going to be okay, it has to.”  </p>
<p>“What if he doesn’t come back?  And it’s all our faults.  We all got suckered into it and now he’s gone.  I can’t bear it Tosh.  I can’t bear that it’s my fault he’s dead. </p>
<p>Tosh held him tightly and let him cry till he had no more tears.  </p>
<p>“Come on, we’ve got some clean up to do.”  Tosh led him out of the archives.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thanks for reading!  Things change up a bit in between seasons for the next bunch of chapters.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0013"><h2>13. Coping</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>So Jack had not in fact been taken. He had willingly left them. Left them to patch up the Rift activity after it had been ripped open. No doubt he had good reasons. No doubt he was saving the world in some way Ianto would never even know.  But it still hurt. </p>
<p>******</p>
<p>The Torchwood team copes without Jack.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I expanded the idea of Tosh and Ianto eating lunch on the roof in my story "Tea and Hi-Chews" (which I wrote after I wrote the is chapter).</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Jack had been gone a month.  At first the Hub was in a panic. Ianto and Gwen thought Jack had been taken. Owen was still mad about being fired and so he said Jack left because he was sick of Ianto being so needy. Ianto had learned to just ignore Owen but was satisfied to note that Tosh put a filter into his computer so whenever he tried to use Google it just went to pictures of Weevils. Except the alien Weevils didn't come up in Google so he just got pictures of bugs. </p>
<p>But after the initial panic Ianto, Tosh, and Gwen went over the security footage (Owen was too busy trying to figure out what happened to his computer). They had isolated the sound that made Jack run off and searched the web. That led them to obscure sites about the Doctor. </p>
<p>"He said something to me about finding a doctor, the right kind of doctor. To fix him, so he wouldn't be immortal anymore." Tosh said. </p>
<p>“He said that to me too.”  Gwen agreed. “A doctor?” </p>
<p>"Not a doctor but THE Doctor." Ianto commented. </p>
<p>So Jack had not in fact been taken. He had willingly left them. Left them to patch up the Rift activity after it had been ripped open. No doubt he had good reasons. No doubt he was saving the world in some way Ianto would never even know.  But it still hurt. </p>
<p>The first three weeks had been non-stop, excruciatingly long days. They would chase alien activity and Weevils all day and evening and then Ianto would stay all night arranging and describing  Rift Gifts and writing reports. </p>
<p> Ianto had barely slept but for naps on the common room couch. He spent most of his time feeling grey and numb.  Tosh had gone into Mama Bear mode, bringing him treats from the Japanese store, leaving soft pillows on the threadbare couch in the common room so he would be more comfortable. She was even taking an online course in archival description and records management basics so she could help him with the archives. Sometimes when they were both working in the archives the sadness got to him. He missed Jack and wondered if he would ever be enough for him. He could never compete with the Doctor. </p>
<p>Tosh usually clocked his low moods and would look up from the artifact she was listing and say. "Roof, in five minutes. I'll bring the snacks." </p>
<p>They would sit looking across the skyline of Cardiff eating their onagiri that Tosh brought (plum for Ianto, tuna for Tosh). At first they ate in silence, sometimes.  Then after a few times,  Tosh would tell stories of classes she was taking (pasta making and salsa dancing) or her improbable crush on Owen (Ianto refrained from saying that she could do so much better, she wouldn't believe him). </p>
<p>When Ianto started to trust Tosh he would talk about missing Jack. Sometimes when things were really bad they would talk about the Shermans, Mary or Lisa. Ianto even told Tosh about the mysterious French man in his dreams. To her credit she didn’t think he was crazy when he explained that this man was real. He knew he existed somewhere out there. Tosh laughed when Ianto told her her the man was immortal.  “You really do have a type, don’t you Ianto” she commented. </p>
<p>Gwen leaned on Rhys more and was out of work at the earliest possible moment. Ianto could see her pulling back from the group a bit. Owen didn't seem to even notice Jack was gone. </p>
<p>After the first three weeks things calmed down. Ianto slept in his own bed a few nights a week but always had nightmares. They were bad and made sleeping unappealing.  But they were never as terrible as the dreams that led to his suicide attempt.  Because always somewhere in the dreams was the Frenchman.  He sometimes shielded Ianto from Abbadon or other times pulled Ianto out of the Sherman’s basement.  He was always there, always saving Ianto and always looking at him with very sad eyes that said “please hold on. Please don’t drown in your sadness.”  Sometimes he dreamt that the Frenchman was walking just ahead of him. When he caught up to the man he always woke up. </p>
<p>After a month, a routine was established and things moved along. One day, The Rift had been quiet so it was only about 6 pm when Ianto couldn't come up with more tasks to do for the day. </p>
<p>"Hey Tosh, what would you say to a drink down the pub?" </p>
<p>"Oh shoot! That sounds fun but I have my pasta making class tonight. I missed last week cuz I was trying to crack the code on that bit of tech from the Rift. I can't do tomorrow cuz Owen had said he might be able to come with me to my salsa dance class. Friday or Saturday though?"</p>
<p>"Sounds great, Tosh. What pasta are you making tonight?" </p>
<p>"Orecchiette! I am very excited. Ooh! I better go. Traffic has been bad lately and the class starts at 6:30!"</p>
<p>Ianto watched Tosh hurry off. He just couldn't face going home yet so he decided to go to the pub alone. There was one walking distance from his house so he didn't need to worry about parking or how much he drank.</p>
<p>**************** </p>
<p>Andy’s server update task ended up taking a lot longer than Booker would have wanted so he wasn’t able to leave for Cardiff for a few weeks after their last job.  He was so impatient to get  there. He knew that there was good he could do.  Quite unusually for him, he was utterly confident.  He knew that he could help Ianto feel better in some way. He knew he could be a good friend to him.  He knew he couldn’t replace Jack - and he didn’t want to - they would just be friends, it was completely platonic.  But he knew that Ianto would want him there.  </p>
<p>The constant low hum of desolation and misery he felt from Ianto was breaking his heart. He knew that feeling. He knew that sense of abandonment. He felt that when his wife Mathilde had died. He knew how hard it had been to keep getting up in the morning. Ianto was lucky on some level that he had his work and his best friend Tosh. Booker could feel the warm brotherly feelings that Ianto had towards her and the way the Rift’s instability kept him going.  But Booker could feel the way Ianto was hanging on by a thread. </p>
<p>He also saw Ianto’s dreams. They were horrific in ways that Booker had no concept of understanding.  Were these really all memories?  They felt like a part of Ianto.  But they looked like something out of a horror movie. Booker began to understand Andy’s complete aversion to Torchwood. He was immortal and he couldn’t even imagine living with this kind of danger on a daily basis.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thanks for reading!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0014"><h2>14. Introductions</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>"May I join you?" The gruff but mellifluous voice said.  </p><p>Ianto looked up in shock to see the Frenchman standing right in front of his table. He was wearing a faded brown leather jacket and jeans. He looked tentative but intense. </p><p>*******<br/>Ianto and Booker meet.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This is a long one - but there wasn't really a place I could end it to cut it in half.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Ianto had finished his dinner and was into his second drink when he heard a voice that he would recognize anywhere. </p><p>"May I join you?" The gruff but mellifluous voice said.  </p><p>Ianto looked up in shock to see the Frenchman standing right in front of his table. He was wearing a faded brown leather jacket and jeans. He looked tentative but intense. </p><p>"You??? How did.... Who are.... What's...?" Ianto was almost speechless. "Uh... Yes, sit down but I ...." </p><p>The man gracefully sat in the chair across from Ianto. He looked very nervous. The table was one of those small circular ones which meant the man was within Ianto’s reach. He pushed back his desire to touch the man, to see if he was real.</p><p>"Thank you, Ianto. I feel that you are at a disadvantage because I know your name but you don't know mine. It's Sebastien le Livre but my friends call me Booker." </p><p>He held his hand out. Ianto remembered his manners and shook. Sebastien's hand was warm, calloused, sturdy,  and somehow comforting, it felt exactly as it had in his dreams. Ianto almost didn't want to let go. And now he wanted to touch him for an altogether different reason.</p><p>“Sebastien,” Ianto said thoughtfully, “that’s a beautiful name.” </p><p>Sebastien smiled and blushed. Ianto had to force himself to not stare wistfully into the man’s light blue eyes.</p><p>"Let me start by saying, I don't know why the dreams are happening. I have theories but I don't know." </p><p>Ianto finally found his voice. </p><p>"Are you a Time Traveller? Does this have something to do with the Doctor? Are you and your friends aliens?" </p><p>Sebastien smiled warmly. "Completely human and I experience time in a linear fashion. I...." He stopped as the waiter took his order and then continued. "My friends and I, we stay away from the alien stuff. After seeing your dreams, I can see why.  I am sorry. I did a lot of internet research on you. That's how I know your name. It was an invasion but... The dreams. I just had to know who you are." </p><p>"I tried to find you too. But I only found pictures."</p><p>"I know, I created software that told me that.”  </p><p>“Oh!  Oh I need you to meet my best friend.  I think you and her would get along. She would love to hear about that software.” </p><p>Sebastien smiled. “I would love to meet her. But don’t feel bad about not finding me, it helps that I was born before the internet was even dreamt of. And then I have been careful not to leave a trace."</p><p>They both just stared at each other. Ianto couldn't believe the man was here. Sebastien looked at him with wonder in his eyes that Ianto thought was probably reflected in his own. </p><p>Ianto had developed a sense over the years that he trusted implicitly. He could often feel alien traces. He'd never been wrong. He didn't get a sense of anything alien from Sebastien. Even Jack - who he knew  from reading his file at Torchwood One was human though he wasn't born on earth - felt more alien than this man. But then Ianto remembered he had a scanner in his bag. He was slightly suspicious of his neighbour's cat and had borrowed the scanner to check it out. </p><p>"Um, do you mind? It's just... I need to know. We've had some issues with aliens trying to, uh, infiltrate us." He had pulled the small scanner out of the bag. "Do you mind? It's non-invasive. So uh, it's not going to like make you infertile or something."</p><p>The most gorgeous blush, brighter than the earlier one, coloured Sebastien's cheeks, Ianto finally understood why Jack was constantly trying to make him blush.</p><p>"That's fine." </p><p>Ianto did a quick scan. There was absolutely nothing alien. It's possible it could be extremely complicated alien tech but the team would murder Ianto if became friends with another suspected alien. But he was sure this man was human.</p><p>"No, you're human." </p><p>"Thanks, I think?" </p><p>Ianto smiled, "I don't have anything against aliens but... they tend to be up to something." </p><p>"I have lived a longish time, I've found that humans are often up to something too." </p><p>"Touché." </p><p>They grinned at each other. </p><p>"I can't believe you're here. Wait, you said you had theories about the dreams. What do you think it is?" </p><p>"Andy made me promise not to tell you. She thinks I'm wrong." </p><p>"Is Andy the brown haired woman? Is she... I mean are you... Is she your wife?" Ianto tried to say this casually. The fact that Sebastien and he both blushed showed that he failed. </p><p>Sebastien chuckled. "Don't ever ask her that. She's our leader. If she gives an order I have to follow it. But she's the oldest, so she's usually right."</p><p>"I see." </p><p>"And, no we're not together. It's taken me more than 100 years to get over my late wife and she's still not over hers. She - my Mathilde - died in the 1850s." </p><p>"I'm so sorry." </p><p>"Thank you. I still miss her." The haunted look that Ianto had seen so many times in his dreams returned. </p><p>"I lost someone too. A few months ago. I... I miss her every day." </p><p>Sebastien put a hand on Ianto's arm. "I don't want to tell you it gets better. But time helps. And don't ever feel guilty about moving on. You can still love her even though you love him." </p><p>Ianto gasped. Sebastien took his hand away. But of course Sebastien would know about Jack.</p><p>"Um.. Sebastien, how much do you see in your dreams..." Ianto was practically beet red. </p><p>Sebastien blushed too. "Oh, no! I mean, I haven't... Nothing! Its that it feels like I am in your mind, but no, I haven't seen you being intimate." </p><p>Ianto breathed a sigh of relief. "Sorry, this thing is so weird. I don't know you but I know you. If that makes sense? I know how much pain your beautiful smile hides, the way you see ghosts everywhere and the guilt you carry. I see how much you love your friends but how isolated you feel from them. But I didn't know your name or where you are from or those things."</p><p>Sebastien looked at him with so much care. "Yes! Exactly! I see your pain too and the pride you have in your work, how you thrive at keeping your little team together, taking care of them. Except for the medic, he seems terrible. But I see how some days you can't get out of bed and most others you can't sleep. And I see how deeply you love. The way she was your life and you did everything for her and how terrified you are to make him your life but you mostly already have." </p><p>Ianto was stunned. He’d never been read like that before.</p><p>"Tell me your details! I want to know where you were born, how you met your wife, about your children, why you are so distanced from your team mates." </p><p>Sebastien took a long drink from his lager. He looked thoughtful. Had Ianto been too forward with his questions? Jack would never answer these questions, never straightforwardly anyway. He would either try to distract Ianto with sex or storm out in a huff. Everything that Ianto knew about Jack was from exhaustive reading of files and dark web searching. </p><p>"I was born in Antwerp in 1770.”</p><p>“Ah! I thought you were French. I’m sorry.” </p><p>“Oh, it’s fine, common mistake.  Anyway, I think I had a normal childhood. My father was a bookseller, hence the name. It's been so long, I barely remember my parents' faces. And photography wasn't invented yet.  I read a lot as a child. I was on my way to following in my father's footsteps, I was to take over the book shop when he died. I met Mathilde when I was young, about 24. She was so beautiful. She loved to read. She came to the bookshop every week and asked for a recommendation. And by the next week she had read the book, and understood it, and wanted to talk about it. We used to argue for hours about books and politics. Her mind worked so quickly. I am hopeless at love and romance. It was almost a year before I realized she might not be coming just for the books. My father gave me a talking to, he said if I didn't make a move I was going to lose this precious jewel. So then I started recommending romantic books, hoping the conversation would turn to love and that I could make my intentions clear. After we married she told me it was months of frustration because she liked me but thought that I didn't see her at all." </p><p>Ianto reached over and put a comforting hand on Sebastien's forearm. He could see that Sebastien's eyes were wet. Sebastien smiled sadly. It broke Ianto's heart.</p><p>“She sounds like she was wonderful.” </p><p>"Thank you, she was. So, we married. It was the happiest day of my life. Of course we fought, we had disagreements about our bookshop, about our children. But we always settled them. We had three beautiful children. I loved them with a fierceness I had never felt before. I was happy. It was a good life. And then the war came. Belgium had sided with Napoleon and I had to fight. It killed me to be away from my family. We ended up in Russia. It was hell. Freezing, no food,  hardly any weapons. All I wanted was to be back in Mathilde's arms. To gently make love to her and then drift off to sleep, my head on her chest. It was all I thought of. So I deserted, I ran with thoughts of only going back to Mathilde and my boys. But of course, they caught me. I was charged as a traitor and hung. And I died. My body hung for three days before I revived."</p><p>Sebastien ran his free hand through his hair. He was so free and open with his life. But Ianto could see the cost. It was etched on the older man's face. Ianto suddenly understood why Jack never talked about his past, never reminisced about all his dead lovers. Ianto signalled for another round and then turned his attention back to Sebastien. He had to clench his hands so tightly under the table for fear that he would do something stupid like move to hold Sebastien’s hand or stroke his face. The desire to touch, to provide physical comfort to Sebastien was overpowering.</p><p>"So there I was alive in Russia. I thought it was a miracle. God had saved me so I could return to being a father and a husband. I rejoiced. On my way back to Belgium I met Andy, Joe and Nicky. Andy asked me to join them.  She warned that returning to my family would only bring me great pain. Better to let them think I was dead.  But I refused to listen to her.  I could not bear to abandon Mathilde and my boys. She was right, but I don’t regret my decision. I would have then, and still would, rip the world apart for five more minutes with her.  Do you know what that feels like?”</p><p>Ianto nodded gravely. He didn’t trust his voice to not crack if he spoke. </p><p>“Anyway, I died five more times on the way home, but I made it. The reunion was joyous. I happily raised my boys and loved my wife. But then...." </p><p>The drinks arrived. Sebastien breathed an exhausted sigh. But Ianto sensed that he wanted to continue. It was such a strange feeling, to know a person's mind the way he felt he already knew Sebastien's. </p><p>"Nothing lasts forever, except my ugly ass apparently.  Soon enough I noticed grey hairs on Mathilde's head. She didn't have the same energy she once had. She would fall asleep reading her book. Yet every day, I looked in the mirror and I saw the face of a 42 year old. My boys grew to be men and had families of their own. And then the worst happened. Mathilde died. She had what I now know was a heart attack. She was lucky, it was quick. She didn't suffer. I was devastated. I didn't think I could go on without her. I thought it was the worst thing that could happen. I was so wrong." </p><p>Sebastien’s face was all desolation.  Ianto’s resolve crumbled, he reached over and squeezed Sebastien's forearm. He felt Sebastien's pain viscerally. He wanted to pull Sebastien into an embrace but wasn't sure how the rest of the bar would react. Instead he pulled out a handkerchief from his jacket pocket and dabbed at the tears now rolling down Sebastien's cheek. Sebastien leaned into his touch, accepting the comfort that Ianto offered. </p><p>A little more composed, he continued. "I didn't want to live without her so I tried to end my life. I tried so many ways. Day after day, but always I came back, gasping for breath. Eventually I gave up. I tried to focus on my children. By now they knew I was immortal. Things went along but one by one my sons died too. One drowned and one died in a fire at the factory where he worked. But my last son, Jean-Pierre, the youngest. His death was the worst." </p><p>Sebastien paused, taking a painful breath.</p><p>"Fuck it," Ianto thought. "I've made out with Jack in this bar enough times, they can deal with tenderness between men." </p><p>He moved his chair around so he was beside Sebastien. He gently smoothed a hand up and down his back.</p><p>"Jean-Pierre had cancer," Sebastien choked out. "It was brutal, they didn't have the pain meds that they have now. He was in agony. He begged me, his wife and daughters begged me. 'Give him your gift of immortality' they pleaded. And I wanted to. If I could take the curse I didn't want anyway and give it to him. But..." </p><p>Sebastien's face crumpled. Ianto pulled Sebastien into his arms. He sobbed into Ianto's chest. Ianto thought of how he had done this to Jack. </p><p>Sebastien got control of himself. He stayed in Ianto's arms. "When I couldn't give him life, Jean-Pierre and his family turned on me. They called me an abomination, evil, unnatural and wrong. They said I was greedy. That my love was weak and that I was selfish. So I left. I wasn't with Jean-Pierre when he died and I didn't go to his funeral. I was a mess," Sebastien laughed mirthlessly into Ianto's chest, "even more of a mess. I made stupid mistakes. That's when Andy, Joe, and Nicky found me again. Andy to her credit didn’t say “I told you so.” They just all accepted me, and loved me in their gruff way.  And they became my family." </p><p>Sebastien sat up and eased out of Ianto's arms. </p><p>"I am so sorry. I didn't mean to fall apart. I don't even know you."</p><p>"I feel like I know you." Ianto said.</p><p>"Yes,  I feel that way too. But still. I am sorry for crying into your shirt. It's just, it's easier to be honest with you and tell you everything because of the strange intimacy of the dreams. I haven't talked about these things in so long. They are still raw even though it was almost 200 years ago." Sebastien drained his drink and signalled for another.</p><p>"Don't ever be apologetic for being open about your feelings. It's a gift to be... To be vulnerable like that."</p><p>"Thank you. But, Ianto," he took one of Ianto's hands in both of his. "I want to know you, if you want to tell me. I don't want you to feel pressured to talk but if you want to, I will listen." </p><p>Ianto drained his drink. He looked at Sebastien. He could get lost in those warm light blue eyes. Sebastien radiated kindness. It seemed so strange that he was a mercenary, he was so tender. But Ianto had seen him capable of great violence in his dreams. Then again, Ianto saw that same dichotomy in himself. </p><p>They were both distracted by the arrival of the drinks.  Ianto was aware that he was drinking more than he normally would. He hoped his instincts about Sebastien were right. He felt safe. But then again, Tosh had probably felt safe with Mary. </p><p>"I was born here, in 1983. My parents were a decent sort. They loved me well enough though they never understood me.  Especially my father. He was always mad I didn't play more sports. I just wanted to be left alone to watch James Bond movies and pretend I was a super spy.  I just have the one sister, Rhiannon. We keep in touch but aren't especially close. I got a job at the Cardiff museum when I was 18. I loved it so much. Have you been?|” </p><p>Sebastien shook his head.</p><p>“Oh! It is the most wonderful place. That's when I really got into research and archives. I, well, you probably know I run the archives at Torchwood Three. I mean I guess my job title is Office Manager. But the thing that makes me the most satisfied is the archives work. I can't explain why organizing things and listing them so they are discoverable is so satisfying to me but it is. But anyway, I didn't do great in school. I was an average student. But working at the museum I just fell in love with knowledge and information."</p><p>Sebastien looked utterly charmed. His face was so expressive. He had lived, the lines on his face attested to that. And when he was sad he looked older. But right now the weary and haunted look was gone. Ianto felt almost proud of himself that he had helped clear that look.</p><p>"So eventually I just wanted to see more of the world. I only got as far as London. I worked in a coffee shop for awhile. And then it's sort of complicated. I met Yvonne who was head of Torchwood One. She was a regular. She came in lots and I guess she just needed someone to confide in. So she would tell me all her secrets but then there's this drug that Torchwood uses, we call it Retcon, it makes you forget. So she'd tell me all her troubles and then Retcon me. I really only figured this out after I had worked at Torchwood One for long enough to get higher security clearance.”</p><p>“I’m sorry, what?”  Sebastien looked mildly horrified.  </p><p>“Oh, no I know what you are thinking, Yvonne made some wrong choices. The way Torchwood One was run is just, well it's very different from how Jack runs Torchwood Three. But Yvonne did many great things too. Anyway after I had the security clearance I spent every moment I wasn't working reading and memorizing files. It was so fascinating and exciting. I just wanted to learn everything I could.  Anyway, Yvonne gave me a job at Torchwood One. And that's where I met Lisa. Oh Sebastien! She was so wonderful. I'm so shy and was much more timid then. You cannot be dating or casually seeing or whatever I am doing with Jack and stay timid or shy. But then I was timid. She was the life of the party. She got to know everyone in the office really well, made a big deal of all our birthdays.”</p><p>Sebastien smiled at Ianto.  </p><p>When she talked to you, she just made you feel like you were the only person in the world. I don't know why she ever said yes to me. I had such terrible social skills then. I blushed and stammered if she even looked at me. I was this nerdy kid who spent all his time reading case files." </p><p>He went on extolling Lisa many virtues. Ianto couldn't help but think of a similar conversation he'd had with Jack. That must have been difficult for Jack to hear since he knew Ianto blamed him - wrongly or rightly - for Lisa's death. Sebastien didn't have to deal with that baggage. He smiled at Ianto's description, as if thinking of his Mathilde. But when Ianto described the battle of Canary Wharf  and Lisa’s partial ‘upgrade’ Sebastien’s eyes clouded with worry.  He didn’t look at Ianto with pity like some did but there was concern there. </p><p>"I couldn't let her go," Ianto explained. "I knew I needed somewhere with the kind of tech that would keep her alive. I had read everything in the files about Torchwood Three so that's where I went. I had read about Jack. And, I think even then there was something that I wasn't able to admit then, that intrigued me about him. So I tried to bribe him with coffee and compliments, which didn't work. Then I helped him catch a pteranodon."</p><p>"Like you do." Sebastien quipped. </p><p>Ianto laughed. "We named her Myfanwy. She's wonderful. She likes me because I clean her enclosure. Anyway, after helping him catch Myfanwy, Jack finally gave me the job. I loved Torchwood Three instantly. Jack hired me as an office manager - to make coffee, organize the reports,  and clean up after everyone but I convinced him to let me run the archives. Partially I wanted to know everything so that I could figure out the best way to keep Lisa safe and hidden. But I got to a place where, I was retreating to the archives when I needed a break from Lisa. I knew, I think, on some level that she wasn't really Lisa anymore. But.... I mean you understand, I had to try."</p><p>Sebastien nodded sadly. "I would have done no less."</p><p>"For the most part I quickly became invisible at Torchwood. Tosh would ask how my weekend was, Jack would stare at my ass and make inappropriate comments about my suits, but mostly I was free to care for Lisa with no one noticing. It was exhausting. I spent almost all my time at work. But caring for Lisa gave me such a feeling of purpose. And my coworkers didn't notice anything until the monster using her body had the power it needed to try and kill us all and take over the Hub. In the end Jack shot her, I mean it. This was after it killed an innocent pizza delivery person and transplanted Lisa's brain into her body." </p><p>He could feel Sebastien holding himself back from commenting.  </p><p>Ianto took a deep breath. Telling this story brought so many feelings back. But it was also like telling someone else's story. It was like he was looking down from above on another Ianto. The feelings weren't as raw. </p><p>"I had never known grief like that before. Not when my Dad died. I think it was sadness mixed with guilt. And I had a lot of anger. And so much of my anger was directed at Jack. But... He was the one person who tried to reach me. Tosh didn’t know what to do but tired her best.  But the others were so awkward, they were mad at what I had done and at Jack for not firing me. I worried that Jack didn't fire me because he wanted to fuck me. Which, I means turns out he did. But Jack wants to fuck literally everyone. Have you ever met him?" </p><p>"No, Joe and Nicky did though. He tried to get them to do a threesome."</p><p>Ianto laughed, "Of course he did."</p><p>"It didn't go over well. Those two will never let anyone else into their relationship. They literally only have eyes for each other." Sebastien rolled his eyes but Ianto could tell there was affection there. </p><p>"Is that hard for you? Having them be so happy together when you weren't over your wife?" </p><p>"Sometimes I hate them. They don't understand loneliness or grief. They don’t understand what it makes a person do. They move through life so serenely because they know that the love of their life will always be with them. They will probably died together at the same instant.  I am so jealous of them. Of how sure they are about everything."</p><p>"I can see how that would hurt. I can't imagine having that certainty. I feel like whatever I am having with Jack... It would run smoother if there wasn't this thing between us, between him and everyone. He's doomed to lose all of the people he loves." </p><p>Sebastien looked like someone had hit him. He downed more of his drink and looked very uncomfortable. </p><p>"But sorry to take us off topic, you were saying something about Jack being there for you?" </p><p>"He was, he texted me random animal facts, made ridiculous passes at me at work. It was sweet. But then, he pulled back again. And we've gotten closer but he always pulls back. I don't know. At first it was good actually.  It was all a bit confusing for me. I had only ever dated women. I wasn't sure if I was ready to come out. So I don't think I wanted him to be my boyfriend. I guess I like that it is casual. But... I just... He gets so sad and I can't reach him. I wish I could make it better." </p><p>"That's so painful. I have... Well it's not the same because Andy isn't my lover, well there was one time but it was a disaster. I wasn't over Mathilde and I just cried most of the time. She still makes fun of me. But... She is my best friend. We both know what loneliness is. But she has demons beyond mine. She gets in these dark moods and none of us can reach her. I hate seeing her run away when she's in pain like an injured cat that hides under the bed. I wish she'd just stay. I wish she'd let Nicky cook her something, Joe read her poetry, or that she'd commiserate with me. I just wish she wouldn't run away." </p><p>"Yes! That's it exactly. I don't need to be the only person he sleeps with (cuz that will never happen) but I just want to be able to comfort him. He won't even let me touch him when he's in those dark moods. I can't even put a hand on his shoulder."</p><p>Sebastien looked sympathetic. They both drained their glasses and ordered another round. </p><p>When the drinks arrived Sebastien said, "But something happened? Something must have. To unbalance you. To... I am sorry, I know too much about you. But without knowing you. Please ignore my prying questions."</p><p>"It's alright. I want... Maybe not want? Need to talk about it. Maybe if I talk about it the nightmares will stop. I don't sleep very well alone. Too many dreams."</p><p>Sebastien moved closer and smoothed a hand up and down on Ianto's back. He took his hand in the other. He looked gently at him to say continue. Ianto felt so completely safe. </p><p>"We went to the country to investigate disappearances. Jack thought it would be a good team building experience for me to go along. I don't normally go into the field. It... The disappearances were related to a village of cannibals. They were human. Completely human, not a whiff of alien. But they were also pure evil. Tosh and I.... We were captured..." </p><p>“Wait, I’m sorry did you say cannibals?  Ianto, I just don’t even understand how you face all of this just in a day’s work.”  Sebastien gently squeezed Ianto's hand. </p><p>“I never really  think of  it.”  Ianto replied. “It’s just the job.  Anyway, I helped Tosh escape. But he caught her again. And they...." He took a deep breath, tried to focus on Sebastien's warm hand on his back and the feel of his callouses on his hand. "They wanted us tender... Tenderized. So... they beat me with a baseball bat. I was bruised all over. And while they were doing it, I thought, at least I am giving Tosh a chance. I am going to die here but she'll be ok. It'll be worth it. My life isn't worth much anyway. But when they brought her back.... Jack saved us in the end. But I still dream of them eating Tosh, of the blows to my body. And often Lisa is there too. Oh sorry...."</p><p>He realized that he had been gripping Sebastien's hand too tightly. Sebastien smiled, the man was so gorgeous when he smiled, as if to say, "it's ok".  Ianto took a gulp of his drink and continued. </p><p>"It all got a bit much after that. Jack felt guilty for dragging all of us into that, but especially me because I'm just in the office. Owen says I'm just the tea boy." </p><p>"I really don't like this Owen character." Sebastien's brow furrowed.</p><p>"He’s not the most likeable. Except according  to Tosh. That woman is so smart, so interesting. She could do so much better. But sorry, getting off topic. So Jack was distant, the nightmares were constant. And, most importantly, I just... I lost sight of the mission. I just couldn't see forward. So I took pills. Jack saved me. He pumped my stomach and cared for me. That's when we started this thing, whatever it is." </p><p>He finished his drink. </p><p>"Sometimes it's good, sometimes he runs away. He said he would always come back for me. This time he literally ran away. To go travel with the Doctor."</p><p>"Do you think he'll come back?"</p><p>"Yes, I do. Eventually. Not for me though. But for the mission. He won't leave us to deal with the Rift alone. I know he's not perfect, he makes mistakes. But I know that if he's away for this long, he must be doing something important. Right now the Doctor needs an immortal time traveller more than we do. But there will be a time when Cardiff, when the Earth, will need him more than the Doctor does. Then he will come back." </p><p>Sebastien nodded. </p><p>Just then the bartender called out "Last call!"</p><p>"Oh shit! I have to go, I have to work tomorrow." Ianto went to stand but found he was unsteady on his legs. Just then it hit him how much he had been drinking. But Sebastien was there behind him, steadying him. </p><p>"Maybe I should walk you home? Only if you are comfortable with it."</p><p>"Uh, yes." The thought of walking the half a block to his apartment without Sebastien's steady shoulder to lean on was not an attractive prospect. </p><p>"You'll have to tell me where we're going." </p><p>"Uh huh." </p><p>"Ok, I'll settle up."</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thanks for reading!  I chose to go with movie as opposed to comic book Booker so he's Belgian.  I also just completely changed his back story from forger to bookseller.  </p><p>I haven't listened to any of the audio plays so I am only going on what the wiki says regarding Ianto's childhood, Yvonne and Torchwood One. It's ultimately not that important to the story but let me know if I got something massively wrong.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0015"><h2>15. Texting</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>"Do you want to stay?" </p><p>Sebastien stared at him with wide eyes.</p><p>"Oh, no..." Ianto cursed his alcohol-induced lack of filter. "I didn't mean... I just... I sleep better when there is someone here. But it's ok. I shouldn't have said anything." Jack hated it when he was needy. </p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>They made it to Ianto's flat without incident. As Ianto drunkenly fumbled with his keys, a small orange tabby wandered into the hallway.  It made a beeline for Sebastien. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Kitty!”  Sebastien exclaimed with glee.  “What’s your name little guy?”  Sebastien began scritching under the cat’s chin.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t!” Ianto warned. “S’not a cat. Something…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What?” Sebastien asked, clearly confused. “It’s okay, I love cats.  And they love me.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Isn’t.  Not feline.  Well looks feline.  But it’s an alien.  Dunno if it is benign or not.  Best not touch him.”  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sebastien looked at Ianto funnily but stood.  The cat, sensing that Ianto had been the cause of this loss of scritches, glared at him and trotted off.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ianto managed to get the door open and stumbled in. Sebastien got him settled on the couch and went to get him a tall glass of water. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"How come you aren't drunk?" Ianto called to the kitchen.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I'm drunk, I just have just under 250 years experience holding my alcohol better." Sebastien returned from the kitchen. "Also rapidly healing cells." He handed Ianto some water.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Thanks for bringing me home." </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Any time." </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Do you want to stay?" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sebastien stared at him with wide eyes.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Oh, no..." Ianto cursed his alcohol-induced lack of filter. "I didn't mean... I just... I sleep better when there is someone here. But it's ok. I shouldn't have said anything." Jack hated it when he was needy. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sebastien smiled sadly. "It's ok." He pulled a chair so he was level with Ianto and cupped his face ever so gently in his hands. "Of course I will stay. I understand. Tonight was a lot. I don't really want to be alone either." </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ianto drank the water and several other tall glasses from the tap. His head was clearing but the ghosts remained. When he felt steady enough to stand he went to the bathroom to brush his teeth and floss. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>                       **********</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ianto woke to his alarm at 6. He almost didn't recognize the sound. It had been so long since he had slept late enough to be woken by it. Sitting up and rubbing the sleep out of his eyes he saw Sebastien curled up asleep in the beanbag chair in his bedroom. It had been Lisa's but he didn't have the heart to let it go. Every time he looked at it he saw her trying - and failing - to look graceful and dignified getting in and out of it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It couldn't have been all that comfortable for Sebastien to sleep in. Ianto vaguely remembered a conversation as he was going to sleep where he invited Sebastien to share his queen sized bed. It was big enough to lay without touching. But Sebastien had very gallantly declined and Ianto was too tired to force the issue. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>His head was a little groggy but nothing serious as he pulled out clothes and headed to the bathroom to shower. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>This situation was so strange. The dreams themselves seemed like something out of a novel. And Sebastien. Was he real? Did he have an angle? Did he want something? But for him to want something, he would have to be controlling the dreams. Could anyone do that? Ianto hoped the Rift was quiet again today because he needed to do some research. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sebastien was sitting at the breakfast bar reading one of Ianto's archives textbooks when Ianto emerged from the shower. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sebastien looked up from his book and gave Ianto the most intimate smile. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"How are you feeling this morning? Any hangover?" Ianto felt butterflies in his stomach at Sebastien's accent. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"A little groggy but nothing that coffee won't fix." </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ianto set about fixing the coffee.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I have dreamed about your coffee." </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Really?" Ianto laughed. "I guess it is important to me." </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"And to everyone around you." </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"So... How long are you staying in Cardiff?" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I don't know. I... I just wanted to meet you. And I hadn't thought after that. If Andy has a job for us, I will have to leave. But I can stay until then." Sebastien suddenly looked like he regretted being so open.  "I mean... I guess it depends on if you want to see me. I don't want to crowd you or be in your way." </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You aren't in my way. I would like it if you stayed. I don't understand this thing about the dreams but it feels important. I want to get to know you." </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ianto handed Sebastien a steaming mug of coffee. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Their hands touched as Sebastien took it and it was all Ianto could do to not pull Sebastien to him and kiss him senseless. But he restrained himself. It would be an epically bad idea. The heart-to-heart last night had made it clear that Sebastien was straight and possibly in love with Andy or still in love his wife. Although the way he looked at Ianto? Maybe it was a Belgian thing? </span>
</p><p>
  <span>But there was something... Jack openly leered at Ianto constantly. When Jack looked at him, Ianto saw Jack calculating which sexual positions they should try. Sebastien didn't look like that. He looked at Ianto like he was dehydrated and Ianto was water. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sebastien sipped the coffee. He closed his eyes, leaned his head back, with his lips slightly parted.   Ianto blushed, Sebastien's whole body reaction to the coffee looked inherently sexual. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ianto moved to fiddle with the dishes so Sebastien wouldn't see his face or the tightening in his pants. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I miss the coffee in Antwerp so badly." Sebastien said. "But this is much better. Everyone is right about it." </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ianto laughed. "Thanks!" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sebastien continued to drink his coffee and make appreciative noises about it. Ianto busied himself with getting ready for work. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Sorry, I will get out of your hair." Sebastien was washing the cup. "But thank you so much for the coffee!" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ianto watched Sebastien pull on his leather jacket. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I'm glad you liked it!" </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>"</span>
  </em>
  <span>I more than liked it!” Sebastien got a glint in his eye,  '</span>
  <em>
    <span>You know, this is - excuse me - a damn fine cup of coffee. I've had I can't tell you how many cups of coffee in my life and this, this is one of the best</span>
  </em>
  <span>.'"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ianto laughed, "Sorry I don't have any cherry pie for you, Agent Cooper." </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sebastien grinned. "That show made it over here?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"We do have television in Wales, Sebastien. And the internet." Ianto said dryly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>             *****************************</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ianto hurried to the break room to start some coffee. Tosh would be in soon. Gwen and Owen wouldn't be in till much later so they wouldn't notice that he was there slightly after 8 instead of his usual 7:45. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He had reluctantly said goodbye to Sebastien in front of his building, as the alien cat watched them from Ianto’s neighour’s balcony above. They had exchanged phone numbers and by the time he got to work there was already a text from Sebastien that said, "Th</span>
  <em>
    <span>e owls are not what they seem</span>
  </em>
  <span>." </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He grinned as he typed back, "</span>
  <em>
    <span>How's Annie?</span>
  </em>
  <span>"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He heard the groan of the cog door opening and Tosh walked in. He was going to have to explain why he was late. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Morning!"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Morning Tosh! How was the class?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Great! I brought leftovers for both of us for lunch!" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Amazing!"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"So...." Tosh said as she put the food in the fridge. "You're behind schedule. You must have had a great night last night. How was the pub?" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ianto's cellphone vibrated. The text said: "</span>
  <em>
    <span>Without chemicals, he boils.</span>
  </em>
  <span>" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"It was good, yeah, I had a nice time." He knew he was grinning like an idiot.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Is that your nice time texting you?" She teased. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ianto blushed and smiled guiltily. "Maybe." </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Right, Ianto Llewellyn Jones, we're going to take this coffee and go to the couch and you're going to tell me all about him or her." </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ianto smiled and poured their coffees. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"It's kind of a long story..." </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Well there isn't any Rift activity right now and Gwen and Owen won't be here for awhile, so spill!" Tosh said excitedly as she sat on the couch. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ianto put his mug on a coaster and finished his text to Sebastien before he sat. "</span>
  <em>
    <span>The gum you like is about to come back into style. </span>
  </em>
  <span>[But said in backwards]"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Ooooooh texty McGee! I want to hear this long story!"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Alright... But, I have to preface this with the fact that it's weird and I don't understand it. And maybe I need your help to suss out whether he's an alien?" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I am intrigued!" But Ianto could see she was also a little concerned. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He told her how the, he now knew, Belgian man had made it from his dreams to the pub and about their conversation the night before. Tosh looked thoughtful the whole time. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"So, your alien-dar, it's not pinging?" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"No, he feels human."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Oh you've felt him have you?" Tosh giggled. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ianto rolled his eyes. "You know what I mean." </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"But you like him?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Yes, he seems like a good person. It's so hard to explain but I feel like I know him, through the dreams and the connection." </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Mmmm, but do you *like* him?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ianto blushed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"So that's a yes?" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"It's a, 'its complicated'. Tosh, I am still waiting for Jack. I know he's coming back. And... Jack isn't a one person guy. But when I think of Sebastien, it feels like a betrayal to Jack. Which is ridiculous. Jack would be the first person to encourage me." </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"He'd probably want to watch."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Or join in. But I don't know. I just met this guy but it is already so strong. And I can't figure a way to reconcile my feelings for both of them. But it doesn't matter because he's very straight."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Ianto, I ask you, would a straight man sleep in an uncomfortable bean bag chair to keep an eye on his buddy who drank too much to make sure he is ok?" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"But he's Belgian?" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tosh rolled her eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Maybe he's more in touch with his nurturing side? I mean all that chocolate and Jacques Brel? Makes a bloke more considerate?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Didn't you say he was born in 1770?" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Details."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They both laughed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ianto's phone pinged. "</span>
  <em>
    <span>But sometimes my arms bend back.</span>
  </em>
  <span>" He smiled.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Oh Ianto. I think that smile answered the question about if you like him. You've got it bad." </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Oh, but Tosh. It's a mess. Maybe he's an alien? A straight alien. Or some government agent setting a honey trap? I don't know. Why am I doing this? Would... Would you be up for meeting him? Maybe you could see what I am missing." </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Of course! Just say the time!"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Maybe the weekend? Oh, you have your dance class tonight. Is Owen still coming?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"He is unless he can think of an excuse by tonight." </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"How's it going with him anyway?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Oh, you know. I'm as invisible as ever." </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"That sucks. You know, you deserve to be seen. You are so brilliant and kind. It's a crime that the men and women of Cardiff aren't falling at your feet." </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tosh smiled sadly. "Thank you. It's ok. I am ok. And work is so busy. I wouldn't have time anyway. With my classes. Speaking of, we should get to work! But email me your Belgian dream boat's name and his friends names too. I can set up a deep search of the web, see what I can dig up." </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Will do! Thanks?" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ianto typed up a text before he headed to the archives to get to work. </span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thanks for reading!  </p><p>I meant to mention this earlier.  I know that canonically the Torchwood team is far too busy to have any kind of life even when Jack is there, so it doesn't really make sense that Tosh would be taking not one but two fun classes.  But I think Tosh deserves to have some fun. </p><p>I don't really know why Booker and Ianto started quoting Twin Peaks lines to each other but that's what happened.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0016"><h2>16. Interlude</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>He felt like a teenager. And just as confused as one. He'd never been attracted to men before but he could not stop thinking about Ianto. The man was gorgeous. And so ingenious and smart.  And the depth of feeling in his deep blue eyes got to Booker in a way he couldn't put into words. The number of times he wanted to kiss Ianto when they were talking last night...</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"<em> Where we're from the birds sing a pretty song. And there's always music in the air. </em>"</p><p>Booker put his phone down. He had been trying to nap but was not having a lot of success. Mostly because every time Ianto sent him a text with a quote he'd imagine Ianto saying it in his devastatingly adorable Welsh accent. And the butterflies would start in his stomach. </p><p>He felt like a teenager. And just as confused as one. He'd never been attracted to men before but he could not stop thinking about Ianto. The man was gorgeous. And so ingenious and smart.  And the depth of feeling in his deep blue eyes got to Booker in a way he couldn't put into words. The number of times he wanted to kiss Ianto when they were talking last night... </p><p>So all his grand plans of being a good friend to Ianto, or being a platonic confidant to him all went to dust.  Because as soon as he saw Ianto sitting at the small circular table in the pub he knew.  He would never have friendly feelings for Ianto. He would never be satisfied with just being Ianto’s buddy who he goes for a pint down the pub with. He wanted Ianto. He wanted him so badly he could taste it.  </p><p>It didn't bother him that the object of his obsession was a man. It wasn't great that this man was apparently in love with some kind of sex god. Booker was very aware of how little he stacked up against the likes of Captain Jack Harkness. </p><p>He cursed himself for once again being such an utter sadsack that when - after 200 years - he felt something for someone who wasn't Mathilde, of course the guy was super taken. </p><p>But this texting thing was adorable. He wanted to start more of a conversation. So he switched it up a bit.</p><p>"<em> From beneath you it devours </em>." </p><p>What did he even want from this? He thought if he just met Ianto he'd figure it out. But he’d also thought that they could be friends.  Meeting him didn't bring any answers. It just brought a lot of feelings. And a perpetual tightness in his pants that he hadn't experienced since he was courting Mathilde. </p><p>He knew this couldn't go anywhere but he couldn't turn his back on how alive he felt. </p><p>"Was that an attempt to trick me? Are we doing Buffy quotes now? <em> 'If the apocalypse comes, beep me. </em>'" </p><p>He grinned. He typed back. "No tricks. Ugh <em> 'grrrr arghhh </em>'? Maybe I remember this show less than I thought. How's the Rift doing? Wondered if you wanted to meet up after work?"</p><p>Booker's hands were shaking like a teenager as he typed. It was ridiculous. It's not like he was asking Ianto out on a date. </p><p>"Ha ha! Uhhh</p><p>      <em>  'I've been making shows of trading blows </em></p><p>
  <em>        Just hoping no one knows </em>
</p><p>
  <em>        That I've been going through the motions </em>
</p><p>
  <em>        Walking through the part </em>
</p><p>
  <em>        Nothing seems to penetrate my heart" </em>
</p><p>That’s not a Buffy quote, just describing a typical day for me.”</p><p>Did he just ignore the invitation? His phone pinged again.</p><p>"Seems quiet. I can't drink again tonight though. The Rift is always really active on Fridays, can't be hung over tomorrow. Do you want to come over and watch a movie? We can get takeaway or something." </p><p>Booker's heart was thundering in his chest. This wasn't a date. It wasn't.... </p><p>"Sounds good! Text me when you leave work and I will stop by that Thai place you like and get something."</p><p>"Oh gawd, do I dream about that place?? In any case, that works. Sorry - gotta go,Weevil activity.  See you tonight!"</p><p>Then another text came:  "<em> Time is what turns kittens into cats. </em>" </p><p>
  <b>******************</b>
</p><p>Booker was incredibly nervous as he knocked on the door to Ianto's unit whilst trying to juggle the bags of Thai food in his arms. He gave up when the neighbour’s orange tabby cat appeared again.  He wasn’t going to just stand there whilst there was a cat winding itself around his legs.</p><p>He set the bags down and began to pat the cat.  He was so distracted by the cat that he didn’t notice Ianto open the door.</p><p>It was all he could do to repress a gasp when he looked up at Ianto. He was wearing skinny jeans and a faded Star Wars t-shirt. His face bloomed into a beatific smile when he saw Booker. Then he frowned as the cat scurried away down the hall.  Booker scooped up the bags and stood up again. </p><p>“I meant it last night you know.  I’m convinced it’s alien.”  </p><p>“You’re ridiculous. It’s just an adorable little cat.”</p><p>Ianto rolled his eyes but smiled nonetheless. </p><p>"Oh, let me help you with those!" Ianto reached out to grab one of the bags. "You got quite a lot!"</p><p>Booker smiled sheepishly. "Thought you might want leftovers for lunch tomorrow."</p><p>"So considerate." Ianto beamed as he ushered him into the apartment. </p><p>Ianto's flat was small but cosy. The kitchen was tiny but Booker wondered, given his schedule, how much time Ianto actually spent cooking. Ianto was pulling plates out of the cupboard.</p><p>"This smells amazing! I love that place so much!" </p><p>Booker hung his leather jacket on the hook just inside the door. He wondered what it would be like to come home to Ianto every day. </p><p>Ianto had set up all the containers and plates on his breakfast bar. </p><p>"Do you mind if we eat before the movie? I just don't want to risk spilling on the couch." </p><p>"Of course." Booker had noticed this morning what an organized and fastidious person Ianto is by how he kept his apartment.  </p><p>They settled in to eat at the table. Ianto was true to his word, the food was delicious. </p><p>"That was one of the better Thai food places I've had." Booker said contentedly.</p><p>"Liar," laughed Ianto. "You've been to Thailand, there's no way a little takeaway in Cardiff measures up to that." </p><p>God Ianto loved being right. The ways his eyes shone when he scored a point in a conversation. </p><p>Booker smiled. "Best outside of Asia." </p><p>Ianto had started clearing the leftovers and putting them in the fridge. </p><p>Booker moved to help which  - given the size of the kitchen - required a bit of manoeuvring. They nearly collided three times whilst doing the washing up. </p><p>"So <em> Star Wars </em>, huh?" Booker said to make conversation. </p><p>Ianto smiled. "I mean the originals, obviously, not the prequels."</p><p>"Hmmmm, I bet you camped out for tickets for <em> Phantom Menace </em> though. Still living with the disappointment from that one I bet."</p><p>Ianto blushed. "Yeah, it's true. Only 16 and I would never ever trust a franchise again. You don't recover from trauma like that."</p><p>Booker laughed. "'<em>Life is pain, highness. Anyone who tells you differently is selling something</em>.'"</p><p>Ianto almost giggled. "You're such a nerd with your references. ‘<em>Never get involved in a land war in Asia!</em>’" Ianto said in a mostly credible Wallace Shawn impersonation. </p><p>"Says the man who lost his innocence to the <em> Star Wars </em> prequels. Who didn’t quote the most famous line from that movie back at me.  Plus you have gotten all of my references. So what does that make you? King of the Nerds, I say!" </p><p>Ianto rolled his eyes but didn't deny it. </p><p>"Hey, um..." Ianto looked slightly nervous. "Would you want to meet my friend Tosh? I told her about you and she wants to meet you." </p><p>"Oh yeah, of course! I would be honoured. But wait, is this just a ruse to get her to give me a test which consists of a complicated set of questions to determine whether I am an alien or not?" </p><p>"I mean... Can't I want to perform the Voight-Kampff test on you AND introduce you to my best friend?" Ianto fluttered his eye lashes.</p><p>"King. of. the. nerds!" Booker emphasized.</p><p>            ****************</p><p>Booker had long since stopped paying attention to the film. They were nestled on Ianto's couch which was really more of a love seat and about ten minutes into the film, Ianto's head had started bobbing. And twenty minutes in Ianto had fallen asleep. Booker might have said something, gently nudged Ianto awake. Except that Ianto had leaned into Booker's shoulder instead of the arm of the couch and had fallen asleep with his head nestled against Booker's shoulder. </p><p>Booker kicked himself for the excessive drinking the night before. He was used to drinking that much and his rapidly repairing cells could handle it. Whereas Ianto was not yet immortal. That and he probably got about two hours of sleep and then worked a full day. No wonder he was tired.</p><p>Still, a gently sleeping Ianto leaning on his shoulder was not the worst end to the evening. Booker would not have moved him for the world. Ianto's breathing was deep and even. He seemed so at peace. He could feel Ianto's heartbeat. It's steady beating made Booker feel calm and at ease. Booker listened to Ianto's breathing as he himself drifted off to sleep. </p><p>"Sebastien? Sebastien?" A gorgeously soft Welsh baritone was in his ear. A gentle hand rubbed his shoulder. </p><p>He opened his eyes a crack and saw a sleepy looking Ianto above him. </p><p>"We fell asleep. I guess the movie was a miss." </p><p>Booker smiled sheepishly. "I think it was more about the lack of sleep last night. Anyway, I am sorry. I'll get out of your hair so you can get to bed. I know you said it is busy on Fridays." He made to get up. </p><p>"Oh, no, it's quite late. You can just stay here." </p><p>"Oh, are you sure?" </p><p>"Yeah, this actually pulls out into a little single bed. I was too drunk to mention that last night. I'm sorry you had to sleep in the beanbag chair."</p><p>"It was surprisingly comfortable once I got into it properly."</p><p>"That's what Lisa always said but I never believed her." Ianto smiled nostalgically. "I have some night clothes that might fit you. Just a sec." </p><p>Booker rubbed his eyes and tried to wake up a bit more as Ianto disappeared into the bedroom. He emerged with a t-shirt, shorts and towels. </p><p>"I think we're about the same size? I brought a towel and face cloth too." </p><p>Booker felt a shiver of excitement to wear Ianto's clothes. </p><p>"Thanks, I'll go wash up and change." </p><p>When he emerged Ianto had made up the bed. </p><p>"I usually get up around 6. I mean, I usually wake up much earlier but I usually get out of bed at 6." Ianto said.</p><p>"No problem." </p><p>But how exactly was Booker supposed to sleep when he was wearing clothes that smelled deliciously like Ianto which was probably more like the laundry soap he used since the clothes were very clean but Ianto had a smell of freshly laundered clothes about him as well.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I feel like all the references they make in this chapter are pretty well known (I mean, I  think) and neither Ianto or Booker would explain their references because that's the whole point - recognizing each other's pop cultural signifiers.  So in that spirit I don't explain them but all the stuff in italics is a quote from something else.  And I think the pop culture references is a very canon diverging thing for both of these characters (Booker would more likely quote French literature) but that's sort of how their conversations came out.</p><p>Quotes: the first quote is from Twin Peaks. The rest of the quotes that Booker and Ianto text back and forth to each other are from Buffy the Vampire Slayer (the tv show), and the two quotes they say to each other in Ianto's kitchen are from The Princess Bride. The Voight-Kampff test is a modified version of a Turring test from Blade Runner.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0017"><h2>17. Friends and Teammates</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>It had been a week since Ianto had first met the Belgian. A week her best friend had spent being distractedly obsessed with his phone. The Rift had created almost non-stop activity that week and Tosh knew Ianto was working so many hours he didn't have time to go home. So she didn't begrudge him the odd escape of texting movie quotes back and forth with the Belgian. </p>
<p>*********** <br/>Tosh meets Booker</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Tosh was putting the final touches on her report. She could sense Ianto had finished what he needed to do and was buzzing about nervously tidying things. </p>
<p>He had had that nervous energy since she saw him when she came in around noon (and to be honest, probably before she saw him). That Friday had been it's usual shit show when it came to the Rift. It was non-stop running and so when the team got everything under control it was well past one a.m. Ianto and Tosh had decided to come in on the Saturday as opposed to do all the paperwork and filing when they got back to the Hub. </p>
<p>But the reason for the nervous energy radiating off of Ianto was he had made plans for Tosh to meet the mysterious Belgian on Saturday evening. Tosh looked at her watch, 5:30. </p>
<p>It had been a week since Ianto had first met the Belgian. A week her best friend had spent being distractedly obsessed with his phone. The Rift had created almost non-stop activity that week and Tosh knew Ianto was working so many hours he didn't have time to go home. So she didn't begrudge him the odd escape of texting movie quotes back and forth with the Belgian. </p>
<p>Occasionally he would fill her in on the state of the movie quote exchange. Like one day as they ate their lunch on the roof he had said. </p>
<p>"I thought I would try quoting Bond movies. 'Do you expect me to talk, no Mr. Bond, I expect you to die' that sort of thing. And he kept sending back Austen Powers quotes. And I can't tell if he's fucking with me or if he really actually thinks those quotes come from Bond movies. Either way, it's adorable and I enjoy it." </p>
<p>The next day they had moved on to quoting Clueless apparently. </p>
<p>"Don't worry, Ianto!" Tosh called out without taking her eyes off the screen. "I'm just finishing this. We'll have lots of time to get to the restaurant for 6." </p>
<p>"Take your time T! I'm just nervous, I'm not trying to rush you." Ianto called back.</p>
<p>Tosh smiled a sisterly smile. A few weeks ago Ianto would have never admitted that so easily. He was a painfully private and reserved person. After the Shermans and especially after Mary, he had constantly checked in with her to make sure she was ok. He sent her texts, perfectly brewed the jasmine tea she loved (which no one in Cardiff seemed to know how to do),  brought her her favourite pastries, always stopped by her desk to chat, no matter how busy it was. But when she asked him how he was, he always subtly deflected.  </p>
<p>But since Jack's departure her attempts to reach him had finally paid off. It took her awhile to realize that Ianto was so incredibly careful with who he chose to trust because once he let someone in, he let them in completely. Whether it was a lover like Jack or a friend like Tosh, once he trusted you he would do anything for you and was so open and unguarded with his love. </p>
<p>So Tosh was inherently suspicious when Ianto started talking about this Belgian. She could see that Ianto trusted him immediately. It wasn't that she doubted her best friend's judgment. But her experience with Mary was too fresh in her mind to just 100% trust. Besides, Ianto himself had asked her to be suspicious. She was so curious to meet the Belgian. </p>
<p>There was a part of her that really wanted this to be the real deal. This bullshit hot and cold business that Jack was running on Ianto made her so angry. She really wanted someone to come along and show Ianto that relationships don't have to be like that. Maybe Jack would admit what she knew he felt for Ianto if there was some real competition. </p>
<p>"Alright Y! Let's get out of here and go meet your immortal Belgian." </p>
<p>Ianto appeared a few moments later looking as dashing as ever. But also very nervous. </p>
<p>"He is very much not *my* Belgian. He's very straight, you'll see. And T, I am so nervous. What if he is an alien?" </p>
<p>"Then we'll figure something out. But you know I'm not magic though, right? If he is an alien who tricked you, he could trick me."</p>
<p>"I know, but also I disagree, you're pretty magic." Ianto elbowed her jokingly. </p>
<p>Tosh smiled, "You're such a goofball." </p>
<p>They chatted about various things as they walked to Ianto's car and then on the way to the pub. Tosh regaled Ianto with stories of the ridiculously pretentious people in her pasta class to try to make him less nervous. </p>
<p>When they arrived Tosh spotted the Belgian immediately. Well, Ianto spotted him first, Tosh saw his face light up and looked and saw a man who had the exact same delighted expression. Tosh felt a little like being in a room with Gwen and Owen when they had been sleeping with each other. </p>
<p>But as they made their way to the man he looked at Tosh and gave her a very friendly and welcoming smile. Different from how he looked at Ianto but she no longer felt like a third wheel. </p>
<p>"Sebastien, this is my dear friend Toshiko!" Ianto beamed as they reached the table. </p>
<p>Tosh extended her hand, "Hi, my friends call me Tosh, you can call me that too." </p>
<p>He took her hand in a warm grip. "My friends call me Booker. Except this one," he nodded towards Ianto. </p>
<p>Ianto blushed and looked down. </p>
<p>"No I like it," Booker reassured. "It makes it special somehow." </p>
<p>Ianto blushed and then Booker blushed and oh my god these two men were hopelessly into each other and it was adorable, Tosh thought. </p>
<p>They all settled in and looked at the menu. Tosh noticed that Ianto and Booker kept looking up from their menus and smiling at each other. </p>
<p>"So Tosh," Booker said, "Is that a London accent I hear?" </p>
<p>"Yes, I was born there." </p>
<p>"How do you find Cardiff?" </p>
<p>"Oh, it's pretty. A bit quieter than London. Except when the Rift is acting up like this week! But you know, it's nice. And lucky for me this one here knows how to make my favourite jasmine tea just the right way. Even the Japanese restaurants in town can't do it." </p>
<p>Ianto beamed. Booker looked fondly at him. </p>
<p>"I tell you, I haven't had coffee as good as his anywhere in the UK."</p>
<p>Ianto blushed. "That's not really saying much though. We are not a nation known for our coffee making abilities." </p>
<p>Tosh and Booker laughed. </p>
<p>"So Ianto tells me you are quite the world traveller. Do you have a favourite place that you've been?"</p>
<p>"Oh, so many places. I loved Ouagadougou, and Burkina Faso in general. And I love the usual places like Berlin, Istanbul, and Mexico City. Oh and Aoshima in Japan." </p>
<p>"Oh my grandmother took me there when I was young!" Tosh enthused. </p>
<p>"Oh, it's so great right! Did you visit Japan a lot as a child?" </p>
<p>"We lived in Osaka for almost ten years when I was young. I loved it." </p>
<p>Tosh happily chatted with Booker for awhile about Japan. He didn't do that thing that people sometimes do where he tried to show off his knowledge. He asked her a lot of questions and was very interested in the answers. She worried that they were leaving Ianto out of the conversation but when she looked over at him she saw a look of pure joy on his face. He seemed delighted that she and Booker were getting along so well. </p>
<p>Booker was very charming. He told some hilarious stories about his travels. But Tosh recognized something almost instantly about him. Though he was slightly more subtle about it, he had the defenses that Ianto had. The same walls put up. She knew she was seeing public Booker. There was a hint of sadness about him but she guessed there was a lot more of it underneath. She hoped the easy intimacy he had with Ianto meant that he let him in. Ianto got enough guarded emotions and self-defense walls from Jack. </p>
<p>But probably Booker's most attractive quality was his utter reverence for Ianto. Every single thing that her best friend said or did was greeted with a smile and fond look. Booker constantly looked at Ianto with amazement like he couldn't believe he was real. When Ianto said something nice or complementary about Booker, he looked like he had won a prize. Tosh's heart was so warmed by this. </p>
<p>The hours flew by. Next thing she knew it was midnight. </p>
<p>"Oh no! I've got to go." Tosh said sadly. "I have a spin class at 8 tomorrow. I know, I know it's a horrible time for it but then I get it over with and have the rest of the day."</p>
<p>"You're so motivated!" Ianto smiled. </p>
<p>"It's very admirable." Booker added. </p>
<p>It was Tosh's turn to blush. </p>
<p>"I'll drive you home T, and you too Sebastien." </p>
<p>Ianto dropped Tosh off first which gave her hope that he and Sebastien were going to hook up. </p>
<p>"Thank you for the loveliest of evenings." Booker said as she opened the car door. </p>
<p>"It was so great to meet you! Hey, Ianto and I keep talking about him coming over for dinner so I can practice my homemade pasta skills, you should come too if you would like." </p>
<p>Pure joy radiated from Ianto and Booker at this suggestion.</p>
<p>"Oh, yes, Sebastien, please come! I had some of her orecchiette last week and it was to die for!!" </p>
<p>"Thank you so much Tosh! Just name the day and time and I will be there." </p>
<p>"Ok, Ianto and I will make plans on Monday. See you both soon!"</p>
<p>*******************</p>
<p>"She's so great!" Sebastien said heartily. </p>
<p>"Isn't she though?" Ianto agreed. </p>
<p>He couldn't have been more pleased by how well the night had gone. Sebastien and Tosh had gotten along like old friends. </p>
<p>"Hey, I don't feel like ending the night yet. Do you want to come by my place for a drink?" Ianto held his breath, was he being too needy?</p>
<p>Sebastien smiled blissfully. "Of course!"</p>
<p>Sebastien's phone pinged and he pulled it out to look at it. He frowned as he responded. </p>
<p>"Great! Hey thanks again for meeting Tosh. She's like a sister to me. And I knew you'd get along." </p>
<p>"Of course! I can see that. So, uh, when we get to yours, can I use your wifi? Andy wants me to do something." </p>
<p>"Of course. Do you need a VPN?" </p>
<p>"No thanks, I have software on my laptop." </p>
<p>Sebastien texted back to Andy, frowned some more, texted again and put his phone away with a sigh. </p>
<p>"It's very clear that Tosh looks out for you as much as you look out for her. You're really lucky. She seems like such a warm and wonderful friend."</p>
<p>Ianto looked at Sebastien, concerned. "But your crew? Surely you must all look out for each other?" </p>
<p>Sebastien looked really sad. Ianto wasn't sure if he should ask about the texts.</p>
<p>"It's different... Living this long... There's a lot of pain that we all carry. Joe and Nicky have each other that makes them safe. Andy has alcohol and anonymous sex to forget everything. And I guess, I have alcohol and my ghosts. We both drink too much but she drinks to forget, I drink to remember. We would all die for each other, we have died for each other, we will die for each other again. But... kindness isn't always there. We express affection through jokes and teasing. And we yell at each other a lot. Or text in all caps..."</p>
<p>Sebastien sighed. It was full of years of pain, years of wanting gentleness but only getting tough love. </p>
<p>"I'm so sorry." Before he could think better of it, Ianto put a comforting hand on Sebastien's leg. Sebastien seemed a little surprised but not upset. Tentatively he put his hand on Ianto's and entwined their fingers. </p>
<p>"And... well please stop me if you have had enough of the pity party. But, dying, you know, dying over and over again. It's really horrible. I recover. So far I have always come back. But it fucking hurts. The pain is intense. You get to a point where you just... Well you start being angry when you come back to life. You start to wish, 'maybe this time it will stick'." </p>
<p>Ianto thought of all the times Jack had died. And how he openly wished for mortality. It made his heart twist to think of these two men he had grown to care for so much suffering in this way. </p>
<p>"Ianto, I find my mood has suddenly shifted. I'm afraid I will be terrible company..." </p>
<p>Everything in Ianto tensed. Sebastien had that dark cloud over him that Jack got when he was in one of his moods.</p>
<p>"Oh, yes, I'm sorry.  I understand if you don't want..." </p>
<p>"No, Ianto... I do want. You are the bright spot right now. I want to sit near your glow a bit. But I am just saying, I am so boring and maudlin when I get sad. I don't want to just assume that you are up for the emotional labour of me pouting. I understand if you don't want to deal with my sad sack ass." </p>
<p>They had arrived at Ianto's building. </p>
<p>"Sebastien, I am here for you. I know how depression feels and I want you to be here with me instead of alone in your hotel."</p>
<p>They walked up to his unit in silence.  </p>
<p>Ianto noticed a text from Tosh on his phone that said:  “Not an alien!  Go get him tiger!!!”   He rolled his eyes.  </p>
<p>The alien cat was hanging around the door again. It seemed to really love Booker. Ianto cursed himself for having Tosh's alien scanner in his apartment and not on him. As Ianto opened the apartment door the cat got up from it's rolling on the floor and getting tummy rubs from Booker and indignantly trotted away before Ianto could grab the scanner. </p>
<p>"What can I get you to drink?" Ianto asked once they were inside and Booker settled on the love seat and  Ianto passed him a card he had with the network information on it. </p>
<p>"Something strong? If that's ok." Sebastien replied whilst booting his laptop.</p>
<p>"Coming right up!" </p>
<p>Ianto fiddled about with the drinks whilst Sebastien worked on his computer. He put a drink in front of Sebastien and patted his shoulder. Then padded over to his room to change into his house clothes.</p>
<p>When he got back into the room Sebastien was still typing but his drink had been drained. Ianto filled it up again. </p>
<p>"You are an angel sent from heaven." Sebastien said without looking up. </p>
<p>Ianto blushed. </p>
<p>Sebastien groaned, powered down his laptop and pulled out his phone to send another text. </p>
<p>"I am so sorry about that. Andy is in a mood right now. But hopefully what I configured works for her and the team."</p>
<p>"It's ok. Do... do you want to talk about what's making you so sad? It's ok if you don't." </p>
<p>Sebastien drained his drink again. </p>
<p>"I'm just tired. Andy is mad that I am here." He saw Ianto's alarmed expression. "Oh, I'm sorry, it's ... Don't worry. We're between jobs, I'm not shirking my responsibilities. It's just that some tourists got a picture of Andy in the background of their pictures when she was drunk. They posted it online and she doesn't know how to scrub the web and hack into hard drives. So she was mad that I took two hours to respond instead of her yelling at me to fix it in person. And like, fuck if she's going to be careless, that's on her." </p>
<p>Ianto nodded sympathetically. </p>
<p>"She's mad because alien stuff pisses her off. She has always refused to engage with anything alien. She says it's the Doctor's problem. So she's not happy I am spending time with Torchwood folks.  But she's also worried about how close you are to UNIT. They have ties to groups who would be very keen  to study our ability to come back to life." </p>
<p>"Sebastien, I swear I have only mentioned you to Tosh." </p>
<p>"Oh no," Sebastien reached out to grip Ianto's hand. "I know, I trust you. I know you won't turn us in to UNIT. You can tell whoever you need to tell. But, just... I wouldn't tell the British government. I don't trust them. That Brian Green guy, I dunno..." </p>
<p>He squeezed Ianto's hand warmly. </p>
<p>"Anyway, I am so sorry. None of this is your fault or about you. It's just, things with my group have been tense for awhile. This wouldn't get to me but..  I don't know. It's like my role in the group to be the fuck up. I make mistakes a lot. I'm the youngest, I don't have their years of experience. But now anything I do it's like, "fuck Book is making a mess again." And like I don't think... This isn't... I..." </p>
<p>Sebastien looked up, trying to summon words. Ianto put a gentle hand on his shoulder and squeezed slightly to encourage him. Ianto felt Sebastien lean into his touch. </p>
<p>"This isn't a mistake. I know I am right. I am so sure." </p>
<p>He looked at Ianto and blinked as if regretting something. "It's not a mistake to follow the dreams to you. I am exactly where I am meant to be." </p>
<p>Ianto's heart was hammering in his chest. Sebastien's eyes were borring into him. He couldn't look away. He wanted... He wanted so much. But couldn't imagine taking it. He wanted to kiss Sebastien but what would that mean for him and Jack? He knew Jack wouldn't care and would encourage him to get pleasure from other people but he wasn't sure if he could do that. </p>
<p>Sebastien's brow wrinkled. He must have seen the conflict in Ianto's face because he looked down and said. "Sorry, I just have to go to the bathroom." He got up and left the living room. </p>
<p>Ianto was both relieved and disappointed at the same time. He topped up both of their drinks.</p>
<p>When Sebastien returned he still looked glum. He sat down and took a large swig of his drink. </p>
<p>"You know," Ianto said, "every single one of us at Torchwood has messed up. Some of us have even committed treason. I mean, I smuggled a very dangerous hostile alien into the Hub and nursed it back to health. But no one calls me the one who fucked up. Because they have all made massive mistakes. Just a few weeks ago we all opened the Rift because we were being manipulated by an evil force. Jack had to die multiple times to fix it. He died so many times it took him days to come back to life." </p>
<p>He tentatively put a comforting hand on Sebastien's arm. </p>
<p>"So maybe your teammates are perfect? But maybe they need to give you a bit of a break? Jack has many, many flaws, but one of his best qualities is that he sees the value in broken people and realizes that given a second chance we can all do great things. I am sure Andy is a brilliant leader and I am sure all her actions are motivated by keeping all of you safe. But, I wish she'd cut you some slack."</p>
<p>"Jack sounds like a great leader. I can see why you love him. I don't think I could lead a team of mortals like he does. It would just be constant pain. Andy feels so much guilt every time she leads us into death, and it's only temporary."</p>
<p>"It eats him up. He is so full of pain and regret. It's... It makes things difficult for him and me. Sometimes when he looks at me I think he just sees an expiry date and he can't handle it." </p>
<p>Sebastien looked vaguely guilty. "I'm sorry. That must be hard."</p>
<p>"Yeah. I mean, we've talked about this." </p>
<p>"Anyway, my crew isn't all that bad." Sebastien said thankfully changing the subject. "We all love each other." </p>
<p>They traded stories about their teams and the hijinks that they got up to. Eventually they were both yawning. </p>
<p>"Why don't you stay again?" Ianto asked.</p>
<p>"Ok." Sebastien said sleepily.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thanks for reading!  </p>
<p>Aoshima is the island in Japan that is known for it's large number of feline residents.  You guys, in this AU Booker just really loves cats!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0018"><h2>18. Comfort</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Ianto gasped awake. Sebastien was sitting on his bed leaning over him. <br/>"You're ok now." He gently stroked Ianto's clammy face. "It was just a dream. I'm here."</p>
<p>***********<br/>Ianto and Booker comfort each other</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Ianto was back at Canary Wharf. The alarms started to ring, everyone was running, the building was collapsing, he tried to pull Jack out of the rubble but Jack pulled back, "Leave me alone, I want to stay." Jack barked. But then Ianto couldn't let go of his hand. Then it was Lisa's hand. He pulled and pulled but couldn't get free. "You're going to stay and die with me!" She cackled. But then, a soft and gentle French accented voice in his ear, "Ianto... Ianto come back to me. Ianto, it's just a dream."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ianto gasped awake. Sebastien was sitting on his bed leaning over him. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"You're ok now." He gently stroked Ianto's clammy face. "It was just a dream. I'm here."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ianto sat up and without thinking threw his arms around Sebastien and held on tight. Sebastien embraced him back. He gently rubbed Ianto's back and made calming noises. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Finally Ianto pulled himself together. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"I am so sorry about that," he said as he pulled away, "you know, it's the dreams." </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"I understand, I have had my fair share of nightmares." Sebastien said as he stroked Ianto's face. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Was I yelling? Did I wake you?" </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"It's ok. Don't worry. Are you okay now? Can I get you anything?" </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"I’m okay.  But Sebastien? Would... Would you stay?" Ianto's voice was small. He motioned to the bed beside him.  "Here? With me? The dream is still hanging around me." </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Of course!" Sebastien smiled as Ianto moved over and made space for him. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Thank you." </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They lay down. Ianto felt a bit awkward. He needed to be held but he was afraid to ask. Sebastien must have sensed because he pulled Ianto into his arms and they shifted so that he was spooning Ianto. His arm wrapped around Ianto's side and up so that his hand rested on Ianto's heart. Ianto entwined his hand in Sebastien's. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He felt his pulse slow and his terror ebb away. He found his breathing synching with Sebastien and gloried in his scent that was a mix of the whiskey and sandalwood. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>********************</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>For once Booker eased out of sleep. He was so accustomed to being jarred awake by dreams or the need to vomit from drinking too much the night before. But this time he comfortably, gradually became aware of himself. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He was wrapped around a sleeping Ianto. His face was resting against the younger man's back. He breathed in and smelled that scent of fresh laundry and something else that he had grown to yearn for. Ianto was breathing deeply, still sound asleep. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Booker didn't want to move. He didn't want to disturb Ianto. He could feel Ianto's heart beating underneath his hand. He wanted to stay like this forever. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>But he felt on some level it wasn't right. Would Ianto still want Booker in his bed if Jack was here? And would Jack still be as standoffish and moody towards Ianto as he was if he knew that Ianto was immortal? Was he here holding this gorgeous and brilliant sleeping man on false pretenses?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He felt the familiar pang of guilt about not telling Ianto what he suspected. But Andy, ultimately, was right. If he was wrong it would be disastrous. Andy almost never talked about it but there had been a woman she had thought would be immortal but then wasn’t. It did not go well.  </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>And if Ianto thought himself immortal he might take bigger risks.  He unconsciously tightened his arm around Ianto. The thought of losing this brilliant, caring, perceptive, preternaturally smart, astoundingly competent, and bitingly witty man to a premature death that surely was coming for all mortal Torchwood staff was more than he could bear. How would someone survive that? Yes, he could definitely see why Jack was so hot and cold with Ianto. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>But he wished he could shake Jack.  He had known Mathilde would leave him some day but yet  he still gave her his entire heart.  He never held back and he let himself fall totally and completely in love with her.  Yes, it was excruciating when she died and he mourned her for a century.  But he never felt regret. When the sharp pain of her absence had softened what remained was the knowledge that she had felt loved and died knowing that she had been everything to him. It smashed his heart to pieces to think that Jack couldn’t or wouldn’t give Ianto that same security.  </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ianto shifted a bit, his breathing was less deep. Sebastien held his breath. Would he regret his request for Sebastien to share his bed in the rational light of morning? </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ianto yawned and said sleepily, "Thank you Sebastien. The dreams... It's just that they linger. It's like a weight on my chest. I guess it's a panic attack?" </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ianto shifted so he was lying facing Booker. He slid around in Booker's arm and readjusted so Booker now had an arm draped over Ianto's waist. It felt devastatingly intimate. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"I know we just met in person. But... the connection, the dreams, I feel like I know you so well. I hope... I don't want to come off as too needy. I wouldn't normally...." </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ianto's face was pinched with worry. Booker wanted to smooth those worry lines, to take away all Ianto’s doubts and give him the confidence to ask, no demand, the comfort that he needed.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh no, Ianto. It’s not needy. Or if it is, it’s okay to need someone. I was happy when you asked... I needed it too. I was honoured that you trusted me enough to be vulnerable. You know, I go through my life and I’m fine. Joe and Nicky are very standoffish to anyone but each other and Andy is not touchy feely.  So I know they love me but there’s no tenderness, you know? When Mathilde died, I remember the night after she died, I lay in bed, I couldn’t sleep, and I thought “I will never hold someone in my arms again.” There hasn’t been anyone I could comfort in that simple physical way since Mathilde. It’s not sexual, it’s not that kind of need. I just… To not be touched by another person for so long is horrible.  I missed her but I also missed just being held and holding someone. And with you last night… I realized how much I had not allowed myself to admit I missed being touched. So, for me, it was more a kindness on your part to me, than me indulging you.  If you need that comfort. I want to give it to you." </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ianto's face lit up with a smile. He traced the outline of Booker’s face with his finger tips. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You need to be comforted too, Sebastien. I can feel the longing for that physical touch radiating off of you. And… I am here, I want to comfort you as well.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>With that Ianto wrapped his arms around Booker and nuzzled into his neck.  Booker thought his heart would explode.  </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>After a time, Ianto pulled away a little awkwardly and said, </span>
  <span>"How would you feel about coffee?" </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Your coffee? ‘</span>
  <em>
    <span>Yes! A thousand times yes!</span>
  </em>
  <span>’" </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It is a truth universally acknowledged that a sleepy Belgian who's been kept up late by a Welshman's nightmares must be in want of a good coffee.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Booker laughed, "Reaching a bit with that quote, aren't you, Jones?"   </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>               ***************</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He knew he would regret this but he needed to talk  to someone about it. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He found his group chat with Joe and Nicky (which was basically where they talked about where the next baklava to stump Andy was coming from) and typed:</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"I know you are going to make fun of me about this, but I really need your help. I think I am developing feelings for Ianto."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Woo hoo!" Joe texted back.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"You mean beyond the huge boner you had for him before you ran off to Cardiff to stalk him?" Nicky replied.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Love, be nice, I think it's beautiful and romantic that Book is going after the man of his dreams."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Incurable romantic..."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Guys, I need some help here. "</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Sorry my brother. So you met him? What does he think of you?"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Yeah, we talked for hours. Told each other our life stories. We've been spending a lot of time together."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Oh no, Booker. Did you cry on his shoulder?"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Booker thought of Ianto clinging to him post-nightmare. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"It was mutual."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Oooh mutual shoulder crying, kinky."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Nicky, my love, you're being a bit mean "</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Guys, can we be serious? Also please don't tell Andy, she'll be mad."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Honey, she's going to be mad anyway." </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Right. We've been spending so much time together. Yesterday we spent the whole day together. He took me to the Cardiff museum. I swear to you the way his eyes got big and intense when he started talking about all the artefacts? I wanted to throw him up against the dinosaur bones and have him right there.   I just have really fallen hard for this guy. He's so..."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Taken?"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Mortal?" </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Fuck you guys. I know he's one of us. Those dreams, they are so intense. And I feel I know him, inside and out. We just know things about each other." </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Joe and I had those dreams. When I saw Joe on the battlefield, I recognized him. Obviously I thought the dreams meant I was supposed to kill him. But you know..." </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"But Nicky, love, we were both still alive when we had those dreams. Has an immortal ever dreamed of a soon to be immortal before they died?" </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Anything is possible my love. But Booker, what about his boyfriend? Is he still around? Or did they break up? We both worry that this Welsh guy will break your heart."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Oh Jack? He's off galavanting with the Doctor. Fucker ran off without saying goodbye."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"I can see why Andy doesn't trust these alien hunters." </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"But Ianto is different! He's kind and considerate and so committed to helping the world." </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Oh, sweetie! You've fallen hard."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Yes, that's why I am texting you assholes. What do I fucking do? I need your gay mentorship!"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Do you mean.... What do you do in bed? Are you asking us for sex tips?"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"No!!! I just don't know what to do. Maybe he likes me? But he's holding back cuz he loves Jack. But Jack runs hot and cold on him. But the thing is, he's not an asshole. He just can't bear to lose more people he loves. He thinks Ianto will die in the next few years. Which, like that's pretty likely. So, the thing is. If Jack knew Ianto was immortal then he wouldn't keep running away. You know? So Ianto is only drawn to me because I don't run away." </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It felt good to type that all out.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Ahhhh, that's a problem. But my brother, I cannot stress this enough. DO NOT TELL HIM HE'S IMMORTAL!"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"I know." </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"I think you need to let him worry about this Jack and you need to think about what you want and need. And then see what he's willing to give you. And then just go from there." </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>This was the kind of frustratingly accurate but vague advice that Nicky always gave. It made sense, but how was he supposed to follow it?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"But do you need sex advice? You've never been with a man, have you?"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Joe, I can Google... Besides, I don't think he's into me that way. He only thinks about Jack."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Jack? Jack who ran away with another man? I think you have more of a chance than you think. And, habibi, we truly are here if you have any questions. We won't make fun of you.... too much." </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Thanks both of you!" </span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thanks for reading!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0019"><h2>19. Best Friends</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Ianto and Tosh talk about the men in their lives</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Gwen weirdly got in early on Monday morning so Ianto didn't have a chance to talk to Tosh. And the morning was taken up with the excitement of the reason why Gwen was early. She was literally bursting to share her news. Ianto guessed immediately by the way she was excitedly jumping up and down with one hand behind her back. </p><p>"Guess what everyone?!?!" She bubbled. </p><p>"You've finally left that twat Rhys?" Owen guessed obnoxiously. </p><p>Tosh, who had evidently guessed as well, gave him a death stare. </p><p>"Nooo..." Gwen said tentatively.</p><p>"You're going on vacation to Ibiza?" Tosh guessed to break the tension </p><p>"No. Oh, here" Gwen pulled her hand around to show them all the modest but classy ring on her finger.</p><p>"Oh my goodness!" Ianto tried to sound surprised. "He popped the question?" </p><p>"Yes!!!" Gwen squeed. "And I said yes!" </p><p>They all hugged her and congratulated her. Even Owen, though it was half-hearted and insincere. </p><p>It wasn't till lunch that Ianto got a chance to talk to Tosh alone. They were sitting on the roof of the Millennium Centre. </p><p>"What do you think Jack will think about the engagement?" Ianto asked.</p><p>Tosh looked at him warily.</p><p>"It's ok T. I'm not blind I can see the whole 'will they, won't they', lots of mutual pining thing they've got going on. Jack and I aren't monogamous. We're not even ... anything, really. And I am mostly ok with that. I don't need all of him. I just wish I meant enough to him to be able to be there for him when he's in a dark mood. Or to tell me things about his life."</p><p>Tosh looked at him sadly. "You mean a lot to him. And you deserve to hear that from him, if you ask me.  Anyway, he's going to be surprised and jealous when Gwen tells him. Serves him right."</p><p>"Yeah." Ianto laughed. </p><p>"You know who else is jealous?" </p><p>"Oh he is not still carrying a torch for Gwen, is he? What about Diane?" </p><p>"I guess he can have two obsessions? He came up to me when he knew Gwen could hear and was like, 'Hey, sorry about missing your dance class last week, are we on for this week? I'm really looking forward to dancing with you.'"</p><p>For someone who had a crush on him, Tosh did quite a devastatingly accurate satirical impression of Owen.</p><p>"He never!!! Did it work?"</p><p>Tosh giggled. "She could not have cared less! She was too busy looking at her ring to hear!" </p><p>They laughed together.</p><p>"Tosh, one of these days he's going to see you for the amazing, beautiful person that you are. And maybe by then it will be too late because someone else will have whisked your heart away." </p><p>"We can dream, right? Either our men treat us right or we replace them." </p><p>"True! Anyway, Tosh? You know that you're my best friend, right? No matter how badly those clueless boys treat us, we will always be best friends. I've got your back always." </p><p>Tosh looked like she was going to cry. "And I've got yours, Ianto!" </p><p>They sat for awhile before Tosh said, "So speaking of being whisked away,  what about Booker? How are things going with him?" </p><p>Ianto blushed a little. </p><p>"Oh, T, I like him so much. He just gets me like no one else. He's so brilliant. And he's got these emotional scars but he just keeps going. He doesn't give up. He's so incredibly tough but so gentle with me. And when I ask him what's wrong, he tells me instead of pushing me away."</p><p>Ianto filled Tosh in on the nightmare and how Sebastien had comforted him and how he had comforted Sebastien. And then told her about the blissful day they had spent together. How Sebastien had let Ianto drag him around the Cardiff Museum and listened enraptured as Ianto got too excited and babbled about all the exhibits.</p><p>"It sounds like he wants to be with you. How do you feel about him?" Tosh asked when he had finished explaining. </p><p>"Conflicted, if I am honest." Ianto replied. "I like him so much. More than like, I think. And it's so easy with him, so comfortable. But... I guess I am a glutton for punishment because, I still can't stop thinking about Jack. I can't..." </p><p>"But Y, you said you and Jack aren't monogamous. Aren't you allowed to see other people too? He's off with the Doctor right now."</p><p>"Oh the Doctor isn't into him. That’s not why he ran off.  That’s about adventure and feeling useful. Jack is probably saving the world. Him being with the Doctor is because he's needed there more than here. We have no idea what kind of horrible thing he's enduring right now. We may never know. But anyway, yes Jack's not monogamous. But... I don't know, could I do that?" </p><p>"Oh sweetie," Tosh put a comforting sisterly hand on his shoulder. "You deserve all the happiness and pleasure that he does. You know Jack wouldn't mind if you were with someone else. Or... Is that what bothers you? Would you be upset that he didn't mind?" </p><p>"Maybe? Is that stupid? I do know, intellectually, that he cares for me *and* is fine with us both being with other people. But, I guess what if he finds out and is like, 'oh good! I don't have to pity fuck your ass anymore'? I don't think... That would hurt because I want to be with him." </p><p>"I don't think he's with you out of pity. He can be concerned about your trauma *and* sexually attracted to you, you know? Ianto have you really not seen the way he looks at you?"</p><p>Ianto laughed. "Of course. I don't know. Also, it would be so weird if I did hook up with Sebastien and then  Jack and Sebastien met. Jack would be suggesting a threesome before they even shook hands. I would die of embarrassment." </p><p>"Omg! So true. Or he'd want to watch or something. Gah!" </p><p>"Right!?" </p><p>"I couldn't with the awkwardness." </p><p>"I don't know though. I think if you told Jack it was a just for you thing, and you wanted to keep it separate, Jack would respect that." </p><p>"I guess. He is quite good at compartmentalization.  But, I also don't know if Sebastien would be ok with me being with him AND Jack." </p><p>"That's true. But you also haven't asked. I would wager you haven't talked to him about this at all." </p><p>"You know me so well. It's weird. I think he likes me but I don't know for sure.  And I literally just met him in person. I need time. You know?" </p><p>"Yeah."</p><p>They sat and looked out over Cardiff. </p><p>"Thanks T." </p><p>"Any time. But Ianto. Just try letting yourself be happy, ok?"</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>So I basically ignore the Year that Never Was in this fic. I sort of allude to it in this chapter and in some subsequent chapters. </p><p>Thanks for reading! Would love to hear what you think!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0020"><h2>20. Changes</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>The time has come for Booker to leave Cardiff.  For better or worse, things are going to change.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"We have a job. This one's important. Get your ass to Marrakesh ASAP. There's ground research to be done." </p><p>Fuck. Booker raked a hand through his hair.  He always knew he couldn't stay in Cardiff forever. But he desperately wanted more time. It had been three weeks since he slept chastely in Ianto's bed. Since then they had seen each other frequently, when the Rift allowed,  and Booker had stayed over a bunch more times but he always slept on the couch. </p><p>He had gotten used to being in Ianto’s life and Ianto being in his.  Sometimes they went out for drinks with Tosh and schemed about getting her to hook up with hot men or women they saw at the pub.  Sometimes they watched movies at Ianto’s place.  Mostly they just talked about their lives, traded movie quotes, and took comfort in the easy familiarity that was between them.</p><p>But now that would come to an end.  He could come back after the job of course. But somehow he knew that him leaving would call the question of what they were doing and exactly what they meant to each other. Even if it changed for the better, this would change things.  And he had no idea what he meant to Ianto. And to him? Ianto was starting to mean a fuck of a lot. </p><p>He sighed as he booted up his laptop and booked a ticket for a flight for the next night, a Sunday night. He prayed that the Rift stayed quiet and Ianto didn't get called in tonight. He already had plans with Ianto for tonight. He packed up his laptop and went to get ready to head to Ianto's place. </p><p>As he knocked on the door the neighbours orange tabby padded out to see him.  He was quite used to this cat now, who almost always said hello when he arrived at Ianto’s door.  The cat angled their head sympathetically at him when they saw him.  Almost as if they sensed he was sad.  </p><p>“Hi little friend.”  He said as he stroked their ears. “You’re right, ol’ Booker is sad once again.  What a surprise.”  </p><p>The cat looked up at him and extended a paw to pat his arm, as if to say “there, there” but the cat dashed off as the sound of Ianto unlocking the door echoed in the hall.</p><p>When Ianto opened the door he flashed Booker a huge grin which faded when he saw the look on Booker's face. </p><p>"Are you ok? Oh no, what's wrong? Can I help?" Ianto looked concerned as he ushered Booker in and took the bags of Thai food from him and put them on the table.</p><p>He might as well rip the bandaid off right now. </p><p>"I just got a text from Andy. There's a job. I have to go."</p><p>"Oh." </p><p>"Yeah. Uh, I have to, you know, team obligations.” </p><p>"Yeah, no, I get it. The mission and all that." </p><p>Booker moved to Ianto and put a hand on each of his shoulders. </p><p>"I don't like this. I wanted more time. I have been happier in the last few weeks than I have been in a very long time." </p><p>He moved a hand to cup Ianto’s face. His skin was so soft. He wondered if Ianto’s skin was as soft everywhere on his body.</p><p>Ianto's eyes widened. Booker could get lost in those perfect blue eyes. </p><p>"I think," Ianto said shyly, "we have a lot to talk about. But let's eat first." </p><p>Booker was nervous about their talk but found dinner surprisingly pleasant. They chatted about nothing, exchanged movie quotes with an ease he felt with no other person. Ianto was calm and charming throughout. They both made each other laugh. Booker would miss this so much when he left. </p><p>It wasn't until they were finishing up the dishes that things got awkward. </p><p>"I'll dry these last ones, you go make yourself comfortable on the couch." Ianto said. "Do you want a beer?" </p><p>"Thanks!" Booker said as he headed to the couch. He felt too nervous to sit so he paced a bit, looked at Ianto's movie shelf which contained every single Bond movie. </p><p>"Hey, let's sit." That musical soft Welsh voice went straight to Booker's gut every time. </p><p>They sat on the love seat in silence. Neither knew where to look. </p><p>"I think..." Ianto finally started. "Well... This is a... an opportunity to have a conversation that I think we should have already had." </p><p>"I agree!" Booker searched his face and continued. "I am not very good at this kind of thing. At... talking about things." </p><p>Ianto smiled in a way that melted his heart. "I'm kind of crap at it too." </p><p>They looked at each other. There wasn't a time in the last weeks that Booker *hadn't* wanted to kiss Ianto but right now the desire was overwhelming. </p><p>Ianto looked at the ceiling as if there was a script there. Then sighed in frustration and locked eyes with Booker again. </p><p>"I'll just say it," he started. "Ever since you came up to me at the pub... It's just... There's a connection there. It's undeniable. My feelings for you are so strong. You're like a miracle, an impossible, beautiful, miracle.  I think about you all the time. I have felt happier in these last month or so than I have in a long time. You soothe me." </p><p>Booker held his breath, Ianto looked so sad. He knew there was a but coming. </p><p>"But Jack..." </p><p>That was exactly what Booker had expected. </p><p>"I have no intention of trying to get between you two. I am sorry that I came and made things complicated." </p><p>He went to get up. </p><p>"Oh no, Sebastien!" Ianto took Booker's hands in his and gripped him tightly. "No, please don't apologize. Please don’t leave. Please don't think that your presence has been anything but pure joy to me. I am so glad we met. I just... Look, I am in love with Jack. For better or worse, I don't think he feels the same way about me. But even if he did have feelings for me, even if he loved me more than anyone else, he still wouldn't, couldn't be monogamous. It's just not who he is. And I love how honest he is about that." </p><p>Ianto closed his eyes for a moment as if summoning strength. When he opened them they were glistening.</p><p>"I know, it's not right, it's not fair to offer. I don't know how... What you... It feels so paltry to offer you half of my heart. But... I will be with Jack as long as he will have me. But if... There's space. And I don't know if you want.. or maybe it's offensive to suggest. I just feel like it's not fair to you... But if... If..." </p><p>Ianto looked lost at sea. </p><p>Booker squeezed his hands. "Ianto, mon trésor, please use your words. I need you to finish a sentence." </p><p>Ianto giggled with nervousness. "Sorry. It's hard to get out." </p><p>"I know cheré but please try. I won't get mad. Tell me what you want, please." </p><p>"I want... I know it's not a great offer. But if you could… uhm.."</p><p>"Say it, mon coeur."</p><p>"Would you want to be with me if I was also still with Jack? I can't leave him. Because I wouldn't stop loving him. But... I want you. I want you so badly sometimes I can't even think straight. But it’s not just that.  We fit together so well. I want to give you all the care and tenderness that you are so sorely missing in your life. I want you to comfort and soothe me in the way only you can. I don’t want to do that as a friend. I want to be more than your friend." </p><p>Booker's heart was pounding in his chest. He was shaking. </p><p>"Ianto, I would gladly accept, a quarter of your heart, or even an eighth. I know how strongly you feel about Jack and I admire you all the more for that. I would never let that stop me from being with you. Maybe there is a caveman in me somewhere that wants you all to myself. But I just want to be with you so badly. I can push that caveman down into my unconscious. I can live with a bit of jealousy.”</p><p>Booker paused  trying to find a way to put what he was thinking into words.</p><p>“But there's also, do you know the concept of compersion? It's the feeling of joy a person in a poly relationship experiences when seeing their partner happy in another relationship. I want to see you happy. The thought of you happy with Jack gives me a lot of pleasure. I know it sounds weird. But to me, your happiness fills me with happiness and I don’t need to be the one making you happy. But I also want you. I want you so badly, you have no idea how much!" </p><p>"Um..." Ianto blushed a little as he said. "I think your pants are tight enough that I have an inkling." </p><p>Booker turned bright red, he'd been so focused on the emotions he hadn't noticed how hard he was. </p><p>Ianto was watching him with a bemused expression. "Don't worry, you're not alone."</p><p>Booker blushed harder. </p><p>"But Sebastien, have you ever been with a man before?"</p><p>"No. I… I haven't been with that many people."</p><p>Ianto moved a hand to Booker's face, he ran his thumb along Booker's cheekbone. </p><p>"It's ok, I'll take care of you. We can go as slow as you like.  We won't do anything you don't want to. I haven't been with that many people either. But you know, Jack has taught me a lot."</p><p>"I want to do everything. I want to get to know every inch of your body. But, I am nervous. I'm terrified actually. What if… what if I’m not good enough?"</p><p>Ianto moved his hand lower and ran his thumb across Booker's lips. Booker shivered in delight. </p><p>"You have no idea how good you are.  You’ll be fine.  I'd like to kiss you, Sebastien Le Livre. Is that ok with you?"</p><p>Booker gulped and nodded. He couldn't form words. His heart was beating so fast. Ianto slid his hand around to the back of Booker's neck and gently pulled Booker's face to his. </p><p>Booker hadn't kissed anyone since Mathilde died. He had forgotten the way it felt to have another person in his mouth. Ianto was perfect. He didn't push too hard but gently swept his tongue into Booker's mouth. He lightly sucked on Booker’s lips. He only deeper the kiss when Booker moaned. </p><p>It was a sweet and gentle kiss. Booker felt his nervousness subside. Ianto anticipated everything he wanted and did everything at the exact moment Booker wanted it.  This man would protect him and guide him through this. Booker felt his nerves replaced by outright lust. </p><p>As Ianto broke the kiss his blue eyes were almost glowing with lust but also tenderness.  </p><p>“How could you wonder if you would be any good? That kiss was…. I can’t even put it in words.”  </p><p>Ianto moved his hand down from Booker’s neck to his shoulder.  </p><p>“Can I take your shirt off?”  Ianto asked quietly as he played with the collar of Booker’s shirt.  Booker nodded.  Ianto’s hands gently reached down and pulled the shirt up over Booker’s chest and off.  </p><p>Ianto’s eyes glowed again as he looked at Booker’s chest. He moved both hands to touch. Booker leaned into the touch as Ianto’s gentle but persistent hands were everywhere on him.  He couldn’t suppress a whimper when Ianto purposely ran a thumb over his nipple which was already pebbled and hard.  Ianto leant towards him and began to kiss his neck and shoulders as he still roamed Booker’s chest with his hands.  </p><p>Booker had never felt more taken care of in his life. Ianto’s tenderness soothed his soul somehow even whilst it made him burn with lust.  He wanted to rip Ianto’s clothes over and ravish him but he also wanted this, this slow gentle touching that he had missed for so long.  </p><p>“Ianto?”  He said.</p><p>Immediately Ianto straightened up and pulled back.  “Do you need a break?  Should we slow down?”   </p><p>“Oh no,”  Booker laughed.  “No this is so good. But I want to touch you.  I want to touch your skin and feel my hands on your body.”  </p><p>Ianto smiled and slowly pulled his t-shirt off.  Booker’s mouth almost watered at the sight of his chest. It was lightly dusted with hair and there was a scar near his shoulder.  Before he could stop himself Booker reached over and ran his finger along the scar appreciatively.  </p><p>“You are so beautiful.” Booker’s voice was almost a whisper.   </p><p>“As are you.”  Ianto smiled.  He reached out and slowly took Booker’s other hand in his and pulled it to his chest as well.  “Please, I want to feel your hands on me as well.”  </p><p>And somehow Booker knew what to do, where to put his hands, where to pinch, where to smooth.  Ianto touched him in the same way.  And  then, Booker could almost bear it no longer.  He looked at Ianto and saw the same desperation in the younger man’s eyes.  Booker nodded his head, not sure if Ianto would understand just what he was agreeing to.  </p><p>But he did because then Ianto climbed onto Booker so that his legs were astride Booker's. As he sank down Booker could feel Ianto's hard on. He put his hands on Ianto's ass and pulled him in closer. They began to kiss again, more insistent this time.  Ianto let out the dirtiest moan he had ever heard into Booker's mouth.</p><p>Ianto broke the kiss, needing to breath. He sat back and stared open mouthed, chest heaving as he caught his breath. Sebastien almost came right then because of the look on Ianto's face. </p><p>"Can we go to the bedroom?" Ianto asked looking up through his lashes. “Are you comfortable with that?  I need…. I want… but only if it is okay.  We can keep kissing and touching each other.  I like that too.”</p><p>“Oh no, Ianto, I want more.  I want you to do all the things to me that I can tell you are desperate to try. But thank you for your care.”  </p><p>Ianto smiled and his eyes almost twinkled. He extricated himself from Booker’s lap and stood up, holding a hand out to Booker. “Let’s go then.”  </p><p>They walked hand in hand to the bedroom and Booker tried to calm his beating heart.  </p><p>“Nothing that you don’t want, okay?  You get to decide. If you say stop, we stop. No questions, no pressure.  This is all about you feeling good.”  </p><p>Booker nodded.  </p><p>“Can I ask… is there something you want to try first? It can be anything.”   </p><p>Booker hesitated for a moment but then he knew that what he wanted would be agreed to, with enthusiasm even.  </p><p>“Will you… that is… I want you to suck me.”   </p><p>Ianto’s eyes blazed and Booker could tell it was even more than enthusiastic agreement. Before he could question anything, Ianto was kneeling in front of him, unzipping his jeans and gently pulling them down his legs.  He stepped out of the pants in time to notice that Ianto had moved up to his briefs.  As Ianto’s nimble fingers pulled the briefs down Booker’s achingly erect cock was freed. </p><p>Ianto took Booker’s erection in his hands and started running gentle fingers up and down the shaft. Booker let out a whimper. And then a gasp as Ianto circled the base of his cock with one hand and closed his lips around the rest of it. </p><p>He'd had his cock sucked many times before. Mathilde loved doing it and was very good. But this was different. Ianto was more forceful yet also gentle. Ianto moaned into Booker's cock and he had to reach and hold the top of Ianto's head to steady himself. </p><p>He wasn't sure if it was because of the link between them but as everything leading up to this,  Ianto seemed to be able to anticipate everything Booker wanted, he went deeper, slowed down, speeded up, all before Booker found words to request it. </p><p>He knew he wouldn't last long. It had been so long since he'd been with another person and the foreplay had been intense. He felt the tension building and knew he was close. He ran his fingers through Ianto's hair. </p><p>"I'm going to..."</p><p>"Mmhmm" Ianto said around his cock which just made him lose it. The orgasm crashed into him as he shot his milky semen into Ianto's mouth. He was pins and needles all over and realized he wasn't able to stand anymore. </p><p>But Ianto had anticipated and grasped his hips to steady him as he pulled his mouth away from Booker's cock. </p><p>Then he gently pulled and guided Booker to the bed. Booker's chest heaved as he tried to catch his breath. </p><p>Ianto wiped his mouth with a handkerchief and then settled on the bed beside Booker. </p><p>"You're amazing." Booker said as his breath returned. </p><p>"Oh you. You are too, you know.  Was that okay?  Did it feel weird or anything?" </p><p>Booker turned his head. Ianto was on his side, propped up on an elbow. His eyes blazed at Booker. </p><p>"It was more than okay. It's been... Not since a long time that I have felt this way." </p><p>Ianto smiled at him.</p><p>"But there is one very serious flaw."</p><p>"Oh?" </p><p>"You're wearing too much clothing."</p><p>Ianto laughed. "Well we can't have that, can we?"</p><p>He unzipped his jeans and sat up on the bed to wrestle them and his boxers off. </p><p>         ********************</p><p>Ianto normally felt ridiculously self conscious when he was naked with another person, especially the first time.  But Sebastien was different. He felt at ease. He could feel Sebastien's arousal in a way he had never felt it from his other partners. Even Jack, who was always very vocal about how turned on he was by Ianto, was different. It was an observation not a feeling. Ianto supposed it was the connection between them. </p><p>But also, Sebastien was shyly vocal about his attraction. </p><p>"You are so perfect, you take my breath away." Sebastien said quietly as he placed a gentle, almost tentative, hand on Ianto's chest again. He ran his fingers through the hair and grazed one of Ianto's nipples. </p><p>Ianto whimpered. </p><p>"Oh, you like that? Comme ça?" Sebastien gently twisted the nipple and Ianto moaned. Sebastien grinned. </p><p>"Yes, f'anwylyd." Ianto replied. </p><p>Sebastien's eyes grew bigger at hearing the Welsh word. </p><p>"Mon dieu, your language is sexy!" </p><p>"Says the Belgian. Your accent makes me hard."</p><p>"Yours does too." </p><p>"You make me hard." Ianto said, needing to have the last word. </p><p>"You make me harder." Sebastien said as he repositioned and lightly pushed Ianto back so he was on top of him. Sebastien's weight made Ianto aroused but safe and secure at the same time. Sebastien seemed to have adjusted just fine to being with another man. There was a confidence in him now that hadn’t been there before. </p><p>Sebastien leaned down and kissed him. He was slow and sensual. Ianto opened up to him, felt Sebastien's tongue languorously explore his mouth. Yes, his Belgian had learned very quickly and now had turned things around and was showering Ianto with tenderness and care.</p><p>Ianto ground his hips up into Sebastien and felt him growing hard again. Sebastien moved from his mouth to his neck, licking and nibbling in the exact way that drove Ianto wild with desire. How did Sebastien know to do this? </p><p>"Sebassssstiennn," Ianto moaned out. </p><p>Sebastien groaned and slowly ran his hand down Ianto's chest, stopping at his nipple to pinch and twist it. Ianto cried out and he arched his back in pleasure, desperate to be closer to Sebastien. </p><p>Sebastien was licking and sucking around his collarbone now as his hand steadily moved downwards. He flexed his fingers so his neatly trimmed nails grazed Ianto's flesh. </p><p>"Fuuuuck!" Ianto called out. </p><p>"You like that?" Sebastien rasped, stopping his kisses to look up at Ianto. The fire and lust in his eyes was overwhelming. Ianto couldn't find words, he didn't even remember what words were. He just nodded vigorously. </p><p>Sebastien grinned, gave him a gentle kiss on the cheek and moved lower to lick at Ianto's nipple. He sucked it up into his mouth and lightly put pressure with his teeth. Ianto's loud moan must have let him know he was on the right track because he bit down gently. </p><p>Ianto was completely overwhelmed. Sebastien had been so shy and reticent in the living room but now he had come into his own and was moving things forward.  His one arm was pinned by Sebastien and his other hand gripped his sheets for dear life. He arched in Sebastien again, trying to get friction. </p><p>Sebastien released his nipple and came up so they were face to face again. </p><p>"Alright mon coeur, I will stop teasing you now.” </p><p>“You can do whatever you like to me.  You’re really taking to this.  You are a natural. I can’t even put into words how good you are at this.  How did you ever doubt your skills?”</p><p>Sebastien grinned.  His hand made it to Ianto's cock and he wrapped his fingers around it and began to pump it. “I guess I’m a quick learner?  I have these parts too and I know what I like done with them.” </p><p>Ianto cried out in relief and thrust into Sebastien's hand. He shifted so he could put his hand on Sebastien's cock and began to move his hand in rhythm with Sebastien's. </p><p>"Uuuuuuh Ianto... Yes... Just like that. Oh you are..... Fuuuuck." </p><p>Sebastien's throaty growl had gone straight to Ianto's dick, he was suddenly convulsing and yelling as the orgasm took him. </p><p>He saw dots on his eyes again. He thought he might pass out. </p><p>Sebastien had taken over jerking his own dick and soon was yelling out as he came. </p><p>They both lay spread out on the bed catching their breath. When he had feeling in his legs Ianto got up to grab a washcloth to clean them up. </p><p>After they were clean Ianto snuggled into Sebastien's outstretched arm, resting a hand on Sebastien's heart. Sebastien sighed happily and put his free hand gently on top of Ianto's. </p><p>“You’re a total natural at this.”  Ianto said.</p><p>“I don’t know, I think you’re telling me what to do, like in some way I don’t know how to describe.  I just knew what to do, I knew you would like it.  I  think it’s the connection.”  </p><p>Ianto nodded thoughtfully.  “I felt this too. It’s such a strange thing. I wonder why?”</p><p>“I don’t want to leave.”  Sebastien said. “It’s been so good.”  </p><p>Ianto sighed.  “I know. I will miss this.  When's your flight?"</p><p>"Tomorrow at 11 pm." </p><p>"Can I drive you to the airport?  And maybe we could... I dunno spend time till..." </p><p>"Ianto," he said squeezing Ianto's hand, "I am not letting you out of my sight till I have to go through security." </p><p>"Good." </p><p>"I am sorry that I have to leave. I wanted more time with you. This time. I can come back? Or... You could come to me sometime?"</p><p>"Sebastien I couldn't handle it if I thought I wasn't going to see you again. Please come back sometime. And... Well it's hard to get vacation here. The Rift is always acting up. But maybe once Jack comes back?"</p><p>"We can keep in touch by text too." </p><p>"Of course!"</p><p>"But just one thing, Ianto."</p><p>"Yes?"</p><p>"If I ever meet Jack, I am not doing a threesome with him!"</p><p>Ianto laughed heartily. "I see his reputation precedes him. No, I... I will tell him about you, at least that you exist. But I won't give him details."</p><p>Ianto propped himself up on an elbow. </p><p>"What we have is just for us. I don't want my time with you to be foreplay fodder for when I am with him."</p><p>Ianto leaned in and kissed Sebastien. </p><p>"And I want you to know that I won't mind if you are with other people. I can't be yours completely so I couldn't expect you to be mine completely either."</p><p>"Thank you." </p><p>Ianto felt a twinge. He doubted Sebastien, who grieved for his wife for almost 200 years, would seek out other partners. It struck Ianto that he was somehow the Jack in this relationship. He felt the need to give Sebastien more, to be more honest with him.</p><p>"Sebastien?" </p><p>"Yes mon cherie?"</p><p>"I think I am in love with you. And I know it's faaaaar to early to say it. But…. This is a dangerous job. I don't know when or if I will see you again. I hope I didn't ruin things." </p><p>Sebastien pulled him close, his voice was choked with emotion when he spoke. </p><p>"Ianto, I love you. I know too that it is too soon, but I know my heart. I know what I feel. Don't ever be afraid of telling me the truth. Even if it isn't the thing I have been longing to hear like this was. Even if it is bad news. I always want you to be yourself with me." </p><p>"I promise I will." </p><p>They kissed slow and deeply as they entwined their limbs around each other and writhed and gasped. Ianto lost track of time or where his body ended and Sebastien's began. All he knew was pleasure and safety. And then he was coming and Sebastien was coming. </p><p>"I am so sad I have to leave." </p><p>"I am too." Ianto said as he snuggled back into Sebastien's chest. Soon they both drifted off to sleep.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I speak neither French or Welsh so I hope that the words I inserted make sense.</p><p>Thanks for reading!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0021"><h2>21. Distance</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Ianto and Booker miss each other.  Booker and Andy finally talk about why she hates Torchwood so much.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Ianto sighed heavily as he climbed the steps to the floor his apartment was on.  He couldn’t deal with how he felt about saying goodbye to Booker yet.  He just felt numb.</p>
<p>As he approached his door he noticed the orange tabby cat sitting in front of it.  Normally the cat would avoid him.  If Sebastien came to his door the cat would be everywhere throwing themselves at Sebastien begging for attention, but if Ianto was with Sebastien, the cat would run away.  </p>
<p>The cat cocked their head and looked at Ianto.  He must really be losing it because he thought the cat looked sympathetic. The cat stayed as Ianto unlocked his door.   And when he opened the door the cat ambled into his apartment.  </p>
<p>“Are you trying to make me feel better, little one?” Ianto said to the cat.  They looked up to him and Ianto swore the cat nodded.  Then it looked pointedly  towards where Tosh’s alien identifier sat on an end table.  </p>
<p>Ianto smiled sadly as he went to get the device.  </p>
<p>“So you’re finally ready to let me test you?”  </p>
<p>The cat silently watched him as he pointed it at them and took a reading.  As expected, the cat, was not really a cat but an alien. <br/>Ianto felt a bit vindicated but also felt very sad because at that moment he wanted to tell Sebastien and laugh about how he had been right.  He would send him a text, but it just wasn’t the same.</p>
<p>Ianto sat down in his hallway and put his head in his hands and wept.  It all finally hit him.  Would he see Sebastien again?  Could he maintain a long distance relationship?  </p>
<p>Suddenly he felt something.  The alien cat had pushed their way onto his lap and had curled up and started purring. He idly began to stroke the cat’s head and back.  Ianto felt the misery leaving his body.  He still missed Sebastien but somehow, it all felt possible.  </p>
<p>After awhile the cat yawned, jumped out of Ianto’s lap, and padded towards his door where they looked expectantly from Ianto to the door.  </p>
<p>“Alright, Little One.  I’ll let you out, but please promise to treat the humans peacefully.  You can stay and I won’t tell anyone, if you are nice.”  </p>
<p>The cat nodded and Ianto let them out of his apartment.</p>
<p>***********************</p>
<p>Booker sat on the plane and stared out the window. It was taking all his strength not to cry or punch something. </p>
<p>He looked at the text from Andy again. </p>
<p>"Please tell me you are on that motherfucking plane so I don't have to come to Cardiff and drag your lovesick ass to Marrakesh." </p>
<p>Fucking Andy. It had been hard to get on the plane. Waking up with Ianto in his arms had made him feel things he hadn't felt since Mathilde had died. The day they spent together had been perfect. They had laughed, had sex, cooked food, talked about nothing. He knew that Ianto wasn't very comfortable with showing affection in public but he had refused to drop Booker's hand as they walked through the airport. And at security he had kissed him passionately as they said goodbye. </p>
<p>He had a bad feeling that it would be a long time before he saw Ianto again. </p>
<p>"Fuck you Andy, I'm on the plane." </p>
<p>"Good. I need you to forget that little tea boy and get your head in the game. At least until the job is over. But if you're smart put him out of your head forever." </p>
<p>Booker was about to put his phone on airplane mode. When another text came in. </p>
<p>"I miss you already. My sheets smell like you. Also, the cat let me scan them today.  They are an alien! And you didn’t believe me.  I hope you’ve learned your lesson about doubting that I know everything. Just a cute little cat indeed..." </p>
<p>Booker laughed in a way that somehow turned into a sob. There was no way he could forget Ianto. How could anyone? </p>
<p>"I bow to your superior feline knowledge. Will you have to send the cat back to their planet? I miss you too. I'm sorry, I stole your James Bond t-shirt. I wanted something that smelled like you." </p>
<p>"That's so sweet Sebastien. But f'anwylyd, you could have asked, I would have given it to you. They promised to leave humans alone so I let them stay."</p>
<p>The flight was about to start. Booker sighed sadly. </p>
<p>“You’re such a softy. But the alien cat seems trustworthy. I felt a bit ridiculous taking the shirt  but I’m glad I did. I have to go, we're taking off. I love you and I will miss you until I see you again, Mon coeur." </p>
<p>Booker switched his phone onto airplane mode and leaned back in his seat closing his eyes tightly to keep the tears out. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>********************</p>
<p>Tosh took one look at him and said, "Roof, ten minutes. I am going to raid my emergency Hi-Chew stash. I will meet you there." </p>
<p>Once she joined him on the roof she held out a large Tupperware container, "you can even eat all the green apple ones. I won't say a word." </p>
<p>Ianto smiled sadly as he reached in and pulled out a candy.</p>
<p>"Ok, first off, do I need to track Booker down and murder him multiple times?" </p>
<p>"No, no, it's nothing like that. He is... He's amazing." Ianto couldn't help smiling thinking of their night together. How Sebastien had made him feel so alive with pleasure. </p>
<p>"No. But he had to leave. His boss had a job and he left last night. I drove him to the airport. He didn't want to go. But I can't stop him from doing his job anymore than he can expect me to leave Cardiff and the Rift." </p>
<p>He told Tosh a highly edited version of their night together.  </p>
<p>"Oh sweetie!" Tosh gave him a sisterly hug. "I am so sorry. But you will see him again. He's immortal." </p>
<p>"But I'm not. Tosh, you know what they say about Torchwood and how long we live. I've already escaped death twice. Sooner or later, probably sooner, it's going to catch up to me. What if I don't get to see him again? Before... You know?"</p>
<p>"Ianto, it's true that we never know. But, we just can't dwell on that. It's hard though. I sometimes think, what if I die before I find someone? My life isn't defined by a relationship, but it would be nice."</p>
<p>"Oh, T, I am so sorry! I have been going on about the two men in my life and I didn't even think. I am sorry."</p>
<p>"No, Y, it's ok. Please always tell me what you are worrying about and all the relationship drama. I want to live vicariously through you."</p>
<p>"Alright. But don't let me go on and on about it. And we will find someone for you too!"</p>
<p>**********************</p>
<p>“Love you too. I hope the job goes okay.  Take care of yourself.”  </p>
<p>The joy he felt seeing Ianto's text when he turned his phone back on started to ebb when he saw a grim-faced Andy waiting for him outside the airport.</p>
<p>"Glad you made it." She said as they got into the jeep she had rented.</p>
<p>"I'm not going to abandon my obligations because I met someone Andy."</p>
<p>"Met someone? Jesus Book, why are you doing this to yourself again? Mortals die, Booker. You know that. And you aren't very good at dealing with the aftermath. Are you going to be a zombified trainwreck for three hundred years after this boy kicks it?"</p>
<p>"He's immortal. I can feel it." </p>
<p>Andy rolled her eyes which made him think about Ianto's epic eyerolls. </p>
<p>"Even if he is. He's Torchwood, we don't get along with them. They are bad news." </p>
<p>"What have you got against Torchwood?"</p>
<p>"That they are distracting one of my crew! That you are mooning over a 25 year old kid who makes the coffee in their office!!!" </p>
<p>"Back the fuck off Andy. I will fall for who I choose to fall for, regardless of who they work for or who their friends are! You are my boss, you don't control my love life. It's none of your fucking business!!" </p>
<p>"It is when it impacts your work!"</p>
<p>"I am here right now, aren't I? When all I want to do is be in Cardiff holding the man I love, I'm here, in fucking Marrakesh, getting harranged by you. That seems like pretty strong commitment to the team." </p>
<p>"The man you love? You don't even know him. You're fucking pathetic." </p>
<p>"Fuck you." </p>
<p>They rode in stoney silence the rest of the way to the safe house compound. As soon as they arrived Andy stormed off to her small cottage. </p>
<p>Booker grabbed his carry-on and went into the main house. </p>
<p>"Hey my brother! Welcome back. Did you manage to bang the hot Welshman before you left?" </p>
<p>Joe smirked at him. Nicky gave Joe a light teasing punch in the arm. Booker couldn't suppress a blush. </p>
<p>"Oh Booker! I'm so glad!" Nicky said. </p>
<p>"Booker got laid!!" Joe whooped. </p>
<p>"No, Joe, it wasn't like that! It was beautiful. We made love. It was like our souls were speaking to each other. I have never felt so close to another person." </p>
<p>"Another incurable romantic." Nicky beamed. </p>
<p>"My brother, I am so happy for you!" </p>
<p>"Thanks Joe. But now I'm here, Andy hates me, I miss him so much, it's like a piece of my heart is still in Cardiff." </p>
<p>"Andy will get over it." </p>
<p>"She's really mad. She called me pathetic." </p>
<p>"She's just worried about you.  She’s been wrong about people being immortal before and she knows how hard it hurts. But if you’re sure, that doesn't matter. You know your heart." Joe said.</p>
<p>"So I do have a question..." Booker studied his shoes. "When you... I can't believe I am asking this... When you two are together, like *together* together. Do you... Is it just like you know exactly what to do without talking about it? Like you just know?" </p>
<p>Joe and Nicky smiled at each other and then at Booker. </p>
<p>"Yes, of course. Isn't it always like that?" Nicky seemed a bit confused. </p>
<p>"Uhhh no, not really. I think, uh normally people have to talk about it." Booker said awkwardly. </p>
<p>"I told you we were special." Joe said to Nicky as he wrapped an arm around his shoulder and kissed him on the cheek. Nicky smiled and turned his head to kiss Joe back.</p>
<p>"That means he has to be immortal." Booker said. "Otherwise how could we have this connection? You both dreamed of each other before you died the first time, non?" </p>
<p>"Yes, we did. I am inclined to agree with you, Booker. I think maybe?" Joe said thoughtfully. "But we are just all worried that it's different this time. We saw how it was when Mathilde died. We don't want you to go through that again." </p>
<p>"I know you have the best of intentions but I know that I am right." </p>
<p>Nicky and Joe looked at him sadly.</p>
<p>************ </p>
<p>Later as Booker was trying to settle in in his room there was a soft yet confident knock. </p>
<p>"If you're going to yell at me you can't come in. But if you are ready to talk you can." He said to the door. </p>
<p>Andy slowly entered the room. </p>
<p>"You're right. I was unfair before. I'm sorry." </p>
<p>Booker nodded at her. </p>
<p>"I just need to know why. You bear grudges with the best of them but always for a reason." </p>
<p>"Yeah," she stuck her hands in her pockets and looked down. "I got a reason." </p>
<p>Booker sat in the chair at the desk and waited. </p>
<p>"It was maybe twenty years ago? Maybe twenty-five? Somehow ended up in London. We were all in between jobs. Remember when we couldn't annoy each other by texting all the time? Made a stupid mistake. I went to the wrong bar and got talking to the wrong person, got drunk and inadvertently said some things that identified me as out of time." </p>
<p>She started pacing and running her hand through her hair. </p>
<p>"I dunno, maybe she was cute? So me, drunk as I was, I agreed to go back into the alley with her. Next thing I know, she's chloroforming me. And I wake up in this cell. They ask me all these questions - most of which are a variation of "are you the Doctor?" and "What kind of alien are you?" </p>
<p>"Jesus!" Booker said. "Was it Torchwood One? Ianto told me a lot of shit about them." </p>
<p>"It was, and it gets worse. So, me, being me, I did not take being locked in a cell very well and when I had a chance, I tried to fight my way out. I wasn't expecting the fuckers to kill me. That's when it got really fucking bad. That's when the experiments started. They got real interested in how a human can live forever."</p>
<p>"Fuck. I am so sorry, Andy." </p>
<p>"Yeah, and I had no way to get in touch with any of you. It sucked. I was in there for months." </p>
<p>"How did you get out?" </p>
<p>"Fucking Jack Harkness. I do not like owing that man a favour, fuck. He got a friend of his to erase all my files at Torchwood and he Retconed anyone who had tortured me. I wanted to kill them but I admit he was right about that. He took care of me immediately after I got out. I was pretty fucked up." </p>
<p>Booker ran a hand through his hair. </p>
<p>"Are you going to get shit from Harkness about me sleeping with his boyfriend?"</p>
<p>"You slept with him??" </p>
<p>"We're in love!" </p>
<p>"Fucking Booker. Of course you are. Whatever, I don't talk to Jack regularly, it was a one off, so I..." </p>
<p>"Wait, you slept with Jack?" </p>
<p>"Of course I did! He rescued me and... I mean have you met him??" </p>
<p>"No. He ran off and was with the Doctor when I was in Cardiff.." </p>
<p>"Well... He's very good at seducing people and as you know, I am very good at sleeping with the wrong person. So... It was once. He tried to get me to join him in protecting the Earth. I told him to fuck off. He went on about my duty to humanity and immortal solidarity. I told him to shove his solidarity up his ass. He didn't take that too well. I don't even think he knows how to get in touch with me now. So no, it's no skin off my ass if he's mad that you fucked his tea boy. If I wasn't so worried about you getting your heart broken, and us getting exposed and kidnapped by UNIT I would be petty and be glad you did it." </p>
<p>"Ianto really hates when people call him that. Jack doesn't own Ianto. And it's not like he's faithful." </p>
<p>"Yeah, he probably won't care. He'll probably suggest a threesome. But he hates me so it will probably annoy him that one of my guys is raiding his hen house."</p>
<p>"Can you please stop using such sexist language, Andy?" </p>
<p>Andy rolled her eyes. </p>
<p>"Anyway, I'm not mad that you fell for Jack's boyto... boyfriend. I am worried you'll be devastated when he dies. And Jack gets everyone killed eventually. But also because you are opening us up to being discovered by UNIT. Torchwood 3 collaborates very closely with UNIT and Jack hates me. So we're vulnerable. I don't trust him to not turn us in. Especially if he suddenly decides he wants to get rid of a rival." </p>
<p>"Ianto would never speak to him again if he did something to us. Besides, Jack and Ianto aren’t monogamous, Jack’s not a rival, if he's anything, he’s my metamour." </p>
<p>"Well let's hope so. I just don't like it Booker. UNIT is even worse than Torchwood. They have ties to pharmaceutical companies. You know that I don't have any fear of death but am terrified of being used as a lab rat." </p>
<p>"I'm so sorry that that happened to you." </p>
<p>Andy nodded and turned to leave. </p>
<p>"Oh," she said looking over her shoulder at the door, "I'm glad you found someone again. You're such a whiny asshole when you are lonely." And she left.</p>
<p>"I love you too!" Booker called after her.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>A metamour is a term in a poly relationship for the partner of a person's partner (with whom they do not have any romantic or sexual relationship).</p>
<p> Thanks for reading!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0022"><h2>22. The Return</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Jack is back.  And Ianto is dying to know what happened when he was away.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This chapter is set on the edges of "Kiss Kiss Bang Bang".</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Ianto had been miserable for a week. He tried to hide it because he didn't much feel like explaining to Owen and Gwen why he was so sad. Tosh was her lovely self.  Gwen probably sensed it but he hoped she just thought it was about Jack. Not that it wasn't about Jack in some part - he missed him too. He missed Sebastien every day. They had texted a bit, trading movie quotes back and forth which wasn't the same as being together in person. But after Sebastien left he started missing Jack even more. Jack was a part of Cardiff and a part of the mission. Everything was dull and hard work without Jack. </p>
<p>And then a blowfish stole a car and just like that Jack was back. And there was his ridiculously psychotic ex. John Hart was an idiot, but he certainly had an inflated sense of his own worth. </p>
<p>Ianto watched Gwen yell and rage at Jack for going away. He wasn't sure if Jack would care if he did that. But also, he hadn't missed the way Jack was jumpier, more nervous. They way he looked at all of them with gratitude. Like he had never thought he'd see them again. </p>
<p>He looked down at his phone on his desk. He really didn't want to send that text. He wasn’t sure how Booker would react. Booker had said he was happy that Ianto had Jack too. Did he really mean that? He could feel that Booker was sad. In the same way he was sad. He found it comforting that they missed each other in the same way. </p>
<p>He picked up the phone. "No secrets." He sighed. </p>
<p>"F'anwylyd, I have some news. Jack is back in Cardiff. He just appeared tonight." </p>
<p>"How are you doing about that? Are you ok? Did he apologize? Please tell me he begged for forgiveness for leaving your beautiful face." </p>
<p>"That's not a very Jack thing to do. Besides, he's been through something, I can tell.  We haven't really talked in private yet. Lots going on, bloody Torchwood. I'm ok though. We need him for the team though so I am glad he's back. I missed him like I miss you."</p>
<p>"I hope he apologizes. I miss you too. I know you're worried, mon amour, but I am happy that Jack is back. I am happy you have someone there in Cardiff when I can't be there for you."</p>
<p>"I love you."</p>
<p>"I love you too."</p>
<p>Ianto could feel Booker’s happiness and relief.  It gave him a pang of sadness that Booker didn’t have anyone with him where he was. </p>
<p>*****************</p>
<p>The conversation with Jack in the office kept running through his head. Jack must have missed him? What had Jack been through that he was finally willing to move what they had beyond random shags in the office? </p>
<p>Ianto tried to get his mind to return to the report he was writing but it kept sliding back to the vulnerability in Jack's voice when he suggested they go on a date. What happened to him whilst he was away? What horrors had he survived?  Ianto wanted so badly to soothe Jack’s hurts, to help heal his soul, to take that trouble from his eyes. </p>
<p>And then there was the question of telling Jack about Sebastien. He was a little worried that Jack wouldn't want anything to do with him after he told him. But he was more worried about how to tell Jack. He didn't want to assume anything about what he and Jack had. They weren't dating, they were just shagging. But it meant so much more to Ianto. How did he explain what he had with Sebastien without revealing the deep feelings he had for Jack. He thought that telling Jack he loved him would scare him away faster than anything.</p>
<p>"Never a dull moment around here, is there?"</p>
<p>Ianto looked up from his computer trying to keep his face neutral. </p>
<p>"Not when you're around, sir." </p>
<p>"Hmm, right. I thought we talked about dropping the ‘sir’? So did you miss me?"</p>
<p>Ianto rolled his eyes. "What do you think?" </p>
<p>"I think... You probably missed this." </p>
<p>Jack came around behind his back and started massaging his shoulders. </p>
<p>Ianto struggled to not groan in pleasure as his tired muscles submitted to Jack's ministrations. </p>
<p>"Do you think that's all I missed?" </p>
<p>Damnit! So much for not being vulnerable around Jack. Being with Sebastien had gotten him in the habit of being open and honest with someone who touched his body. </p>
<p>Jack's hands didn't stop, which was a good sign.</p>
<p>"I know..." Jack sighed wearily. "I'm a shit. I told you I run. But I will always come back." </p>
<p>"Jack... I get it. Knowing you're immortal... Knowing the trauma. All those loved ones... I get why you run. I'm not mad about it. I wish you didn't have to deal with the death over and over again." </p>
<p>Jack's hands stopped. He turned Ianto's chair around and knelt in front of him with his hands on Ianto's knees. </p>
<p>Jack looked at him quizzically. "You *do* get it. How do you...? This is new. Yes... It's fucking painful and I can't bear it sometimes."</p>
<p>Ianto reached down and gently ran a hand along Jack's cheek. Jack leaned into his touch. </p>
<p>"Jack, I won't always be here. But the mission will. Hold on to the mission." </p>
<p>Jack nodded. </p>
<p>"Jack… what happened? When you were away. I know it was something… you seem upset." </p>
<p>Jack sighed. "I can't, Ianto. It's too raw. I just can't get into it. I'm back, that's what matters." </p>
<p>Ianto had expected as much. So he changed the subject.</p>
<p>"Look," Ianto went on, "I know you don't like relationships. That's fine. I like being with you. I think we make a good team, at work and...."</p>
<p>Jack's eyes sparkled mischievously. </p>
<p>"Yeah, well the sex is pretty great. I want to be with you in whatever way you can handle. There's no pressure." </p>
<p>"Why... Something has changed. What is it?" Jack asked. As he got up and wheeled over another chair to sit on. </p>
<p>Ianto took a deep breath. He was finding keeping his composure a challenge. </p>
<p>"I... I met someone. When you were away. And... I don't know how you feel about this but... I don't know if it's fair to ask... I want to be with both of you." </p>
<p>Jack watched him and nodded. </p>
<p>"Man or woman?" His eyes still twinkled. Was that a good sign? </p>
<p>"Man." </p>
<p>"So you are bi, not just Jack-sexual?" </p>
<p>Ianto rolled his eyes affectionately. "Everyone's a bit Jack-sexual around you. That's not the first question I was expecting." </p>
<p>"Well," Jack replied, "I have no idea what he looks like. So maybe I don't want to do a threesome?" </p>
<p>Ianto laughed. "Good cuz it isn't going to happen. Yeah, I guess I'm bi?" </p>
<p>Jack looked thoughtful. "You don't want to tell me very much about him, do you? You want to keep those two worlds separate?" </p>
<p>"Oh! I didn't... Yes, that's right."</p>
<p>"Ianto my darling, when you have lived a long time you get good at sizing people up. And I do pay attention to who you are, you know?" </p>
<p>"I... Thank you. I don't want to hide him from you but I do want to keep... I value each of you so very much. When I am with one of you, I want to be with you alone at that moment. Does that make sense?" </p>
<p>"Yes. Of course. I won't press you on it. And Ianto... I am glad. I want you so badly sometimes. You are so incredibly hot and the sex... Jesus, it's so good. I care a lot about you. I know I am <br/>terrible at showing it. But I do... But I am not made for monogamy. I really can't and won't do it. I am glad you have someone else. It's a lot of pressure to feel like I am the only... I mean you know." </p>
<p>"I get it. I don't want to put that on you." </p>
<p>"So we're good? We're still doing this? Maybe some dates? Keeping it a bit casual?" </p>
<p>"Yes Jack. I... Yes, that works." </p>
<p>Jack smiled and leaned in and kissed him. He had missed Jack's mouth and those 51st century pheromones. Jack's tongue plunged into his mouth and the need surged in him. </p>
<p>Ianto pushed Jack back into his chair and got on his knees in front of Jack. No one except Jack and Tosh ever came down to the archives. He reached for Jack's belt but hesitated, looking at the ceiling. </p>
<p>"Wait," Ianto said. He turned around and typed some commands on his keyboard. </p>
<p>Jack raised an eyebrow, "I thought I revoked your access to the CCTV controls."</p>
<p>"Tosh gave it back to me after she saw us on the monitors one time. Don’t worry, I am not hiding anyone in the basement. Besides it's either this or we risk Owen seeing it and putting a sex tape of us on the internet." </p>
<p>"I mean, I wouldn't say no to a sex tape..." </p>
<p>Ianto rolled his eyes and went back to Jack's pants. </p>
<p>Jack sighed in pleasure when Ianto got in and pulled Jack's cock out. </p>
<p>"I definitely missed this." Jack said as Ianto began to stroke him. </p>
<p>"I missed this too." Ianto rasped. </p>
<p>He took Jack in his mouth and moaned. The feeling of Jack filling his mouth never got routine. Each time felt like the first time. Ianto thought he might explode. </p>
<p>Jack's hands ran through his hair. </p>
<p>"Oh fuck Ianto, that's so good!"</p>
<p>Ianto took him in as deep as he could. The sounds Jack was making made him painfully hard. He grasped Ianto's hair tighter and Ianto knew he was close. </p>
<p>Ianto increased his speed a bit and reached with his other hand to play with Jack's balls. With that Jack came with a shout, shooting hot liquid into Ianto's mouth. It wasn't that he liked the taste exactly but the act of swallowing made him really hard. </p>
<p>"Fuuuuck, Ianto..." Jack said, catching his breath. "That was... incredible... you are so good." </p>
<p>Ianto stood up and dabbed his mouth with his handkerchief. "I know, sir."</p>
<p>Jack took one look at Ianto's smirk and spun him around and pulled him into his lap. Ianto's back was against Jack's chest and his legs were on either side of Jack's. Jack forced his legs open. With one hand he unbuttoned Ianto's vest and some of his shirt buttons. At the same time with the other hand he undid Ianto's belt, zipped down his pants and shoved a hand under the band of his boxers, forming a fist around Ianto's dick. He began to jerk Ianto with one hand and moved into his shirt lightly scratching Ianto's chest with his other.</p>
<p>Ianto moaned and arched his back and thrust into Jack's fist. He leaned his head back against the chair back beside Jack's head. </p>
<p>"You like that, Ianto?" His voice was barely more than a whisper but the tone of lasciviousness in it went straight to Ianto's dick. </p>
<p>"Yes." He panted. </p>
<p>"Good cuz I am not going to stop. I'm going to keep stroking you till you lose it. I am going to make you come all over this suit." </p>
<p>Ianto could only whimper inarticulately. Jack pumped faster. </p>
<p>"Are you going to come for me, Ianto Jones. Make a mess of this nice suit like the filthy little Welshman that you are?" </p>
<p>And Ianto was calling out as the orgasm crashed into him. He was too far gone to even think of his suit. He crumpled into Jack's arms feeling sated and boneless.</p>
<p>Later Jack watched as he pulled another suit from the small closet in the Archives. </p>
<p>"You're prepared, I see." Jack commented.</p>
<p>"Always." </p>
<p>"Well, duty calls. I better go." Jack got up and headed to the stairs. </p>
<p>"One thing, Jack?" Ianto asked.</p>
<p>"Yes?"</p>
<p>"How many of your psychotic exes are we going to have to deal with? Jesus!"</p>
<p>Jack laughed. "Hopefully he's the only one  who actually still wants to see me. Anyway, sorry about that, eye candy!"</p>
<p>"Oh, don't you dare!!"</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thanks for reading!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0023"><h2>23. The Bond</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Ianto and Booker have become incredibly close.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This chapter takes place on the edges of "Sleeper".</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Booker ran a hand through his hair. This wasn't good. </p><p>"It's really our only option." Andy was saying. </p><p>The three men nodded grimly. They knew the only way to get the hostages out was to act as a distraction. To literally offer up their deaths to let those innocents escape alive. Fucking German gun runners, why can't they stay in their own country. Booker thought. </p><p>Obviously it was selfish to hesitate. He had so many deaths to give. What was one more noble one right here in the desert? But he hated it all the same. </p><p>He never liked the feeling of dying, obviously, who would? But he gritted his teeth and bore it. But now, now he felt his bond with Ianto had grown so strong. Now he knew Ianto would feel him die. Just as he had felt Ianto’s extreme happiness when he was with Jack. Something had deepened in their connection. He loved that, he never felt alone anymore.  But he didn't want the feeling of his death for his love. He wanted to radiate happiness to Ianto the way Ianto did to him. And he didn’t even have any way to warn Ianto.  They hadn’t brought their phones for this part of the mission in case the gun runners were tracking them and as they journeyed into the desert.</p><p>“I am so sorry, my love.”  He thought.  “This is a horrible feeling, but it will pass. And I will be okay.”  He hoped that somehow the feeling of it got to Ianto.</p><p>"Alright, on three, Joe and Nicky you each go out one at a time, I'll give the hostages the signal to run. Then Book, you and me, we'll follow behind individually after Joe and Nicky are both down. Got it?" </p><p>They all nodded. </p><p>"One, two, three, go!"</p><p>And then it was a blur of running bodies and then bullets tearing through his skin. And then, darkness.</p><p>***********************</p><p>Ianto was working on rehousing some data tapes when all of a sudden there was a feeling. It was a warning.  Something bad was going to happen, bad but temporary. He managed to safely put down the tape in his hand before hundreds of points of pain hit his body. He crumpled over and hit the floor. He pushed himself to a sitting position propped up by the wall. And then the pain stopped. But it was replaced with the most profound feeling of emptiness and nothingness Ianto had ever experienced. </p><p>He gulped for air, trying to center himself and fight off the panic attack. </p><p>"Sebastien, my love " he gritted out. "Please be ok."</p><p>He knew that Sebastien was dead. To have had this man so much a part of him, in his brain and in his body and then just nothing.  It was horrifying.  </p><p>And after what seemed like an eternity he felt his lungs easily fill with air. He tried to send his most calming and comforting thoughts to his recently revived lover. He imagined holding Sebastien’s wiry frame in his arms, gently stroking his hair, and singing him a Welsh lullaby. </p><p>This had never happened. He had dreamed of Sebastien dying before they met, but never *felt* him die.</p><p>When he could stand he grabbed his cell phone. Sebastien wouldn't have his phone on anyway but Ianto hoped he could leave a message. </p><p>The voice mail clicked in. </p><p>"Sebastien, my love. I felt it. I have never felt it before." </p><p>And then he stood.  Just staring at his phone in his hand, his other hand scratching the back of his neck. What a strange feeling.  To die but not die.  How did Jack stand it?  How did he face so many deaths?  It wasn’t just the lovers who would leave him through death or change of heart.  It was the sheer pain and feeling of nothingness that accompanied that death. </p><p>“Ianto!”  Tosh called from the Hub shaking him out of his thoughts.  “We’ve got a possible alien situation.  Can you come up and help?”  </p><p>“Be right there!”  </p><p>Suddenly he felt waves of gratitude and love coming from Sebastien. His attempt to be there for his love had worked.  Ianto felt strangely giddy.  He had never felt so much his young age as he did at this moment.  Sebastien was okay and he had helped him!  He bounded up the stairs from the archives to deal with whatever nonsense was afoot this time. </p><p>****************</p><p>"So, but are you ok with him being ok with it?" Tosh asked as they ate their lunch on the roof. </p><p>"I guess?" He said, biting into his onagiri. "It's not like we were dating before. And besides, Jack doesn't seem like the jealous type." </p><p>"Are you dating now?" Tosh asked. </p><p>"We're supposed to go on a date. So we'll see." </p><p>"How are things with Sebastien?"</p><p>"Ok, his job is almost finished, or I think, maybe finished?  Which is nice cuz he's afraid things are bugged so he doesn't want to do a phone call till he's out of Marrakesh. I miss him."</p><p>Tosh smiled sadly and finished her onagiri. </p><p>“And…” Ianto hesitated.  He valued Tosh’s opinion and he knew what he was about to say didn’t sound the most sane.  “I felt him die today.  It was okay, he came back.  He came back and I helped him! I imagined myself holding him and comforting him, and it worked! It actually worked. It’s incredible this bond, like almost telepathic. Almost but not quite because there’s no words. But it’s almost like we don’t need words?  Do you know what I mean?  Like we can just send each other thoughts and feelings!”  </p><p>Tosh gave him a very polite but slightly worried look. He had breathed those words out on one breath. </p><p>“I’m sorry. It’s been a very weird day. I’m in a strange mood.”  </p><p>“I know! I could tell.  What was that bit you were doing about the phone?? You were very much not yourself today.”  </p><p>Ianto shrugged. </p><p>"Also, T, this is dumb. But I was thinking about something. We didn't know that Beth was an alien. You don't think that... I dunno... What if I was wrong about Sebastien? Could he be an alien?"</p><p>"Oh. Oh... Do you think he could be?"</p><p>"He's never felt like one. And I mean, I have felt him, in lots of ways.”  </p><p>Tosh snorted in a very polite Tosh way.</p><p>“I mean, yes, what you’re thinking but also the mind bond. But what if I am slipping? Blinded by lust or something?" </p><p>"What did you get from Beth?"</p><p>"Something... Like not anything obvious, not enough to make me speak up. But it was like when you can't remember a word and it's just on the tip of your tongue." </p><p>"I think it's fine with Sebastien then." </p><p>Ianto laughed. "You're so logical T! I just can’t stop thinking about how horrible it must have been for Beth.  You have this life and you think everything is fine. And then all of a sudden you’re an alien that’s part of the some sleeper cell reconnaissance mission? I can see why she did what she did.  What a horrible thing to have to live with.”  </p><p>“I agree. It’s horrible.”  Tosh said sadly. “I couldn’t live with it either.” </p><p>They sat and watched the Cardiff skyline. </p><p>“It’s just a lot these days.” Ianto admitted. “Jack coming back and then feeling Booker die.  And it’s this constant state of emotion.  And I guess I am just adjusting to the weirdness of feeling things for two people." </p><p>"Weird bad or weird good?"</p><p>"Good, I think? But just different. I mean little old boring me! How did this happen?" </p><p>"Oh Y, I wish you could see yourself like everyone else does." </p><p>"So, is it me or has Owen been paying more attention to you lately?" </p><p>Tosh narrowed her eyes at him. "I see what you are doing. But, I will let you distract me. Because, I KNOW!! What is with that? He was all 'If you hurt her, I'll kill you!' when John Hart was threatening us. And then that “Let’s all have sex.” line?  What was that?”</p><p>Ianto shuddered.  “I rather not think of that. No offense.”  </p><p>Tosh rolled her eyes.<br/>
“And it seems like he actually sees me when he looks at me, you know?" </p><p>"Oh, I know!! I think he likes you!!"</p><p>Tosh blushed.</p><p>"Well, like you said. We'll see."</p><p>*********************</p><p>Later that night Ianto got a text from an unknown (and probably non-traceable) number. It read: “I didn’t think it was possible for me to love you more.  But every day you fill my heart till it overflows and it grows, and there is room for more love for you. You are a  beautiful human Ianto Jones.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thanks for reading!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0024"><h2>24. Life Expectancy</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Ianto ponders his mortality, Tosh grieves, and Jack finds out more about Ianto's other lover.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This chapter takes place on the edges of "To the Last Man"</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Ianto paced in the archives. He couldn't get Harriet Derbyshire's face out of his mind. She was 25 when she brought Tommy to Torchwood. She had died a year later. If he made it past August, he would be the same age as her when she died. </p>
<p>He had talked about how Torchwood employees rarely lived past 30 so many times it had lost meaning in his mind. But seeing Harriet's bright and capable face chilled his heart. He wore that expression in photos taken for the archives. Would someone, years later, look at a picture of him and think about how sad it was that he died at age 26?  Or maybe 27?  If he was lucky 29. <br/> He sank into his chair. And then there was Tommy.  Frozen for years only to be thawed out, poked and prodded, to eventually die for the mission. Torchwood chewed up young bodies and spat them out broken and dead. The crushing inevitability of Ianto's early death was suddenly real. </p>
<p>The despair he felt last year flooded back to him. </p>
<p>His phone rang. </p>
<p>"Baby, what's wrong? Are you at work right now? I am getting so much sadness coming from you." </p>
<p>"I... It seems so inevitable... What's the point?" </p>
<p>"Oh, cherie, what happened? Talk to me." </p>
<p>"Sorry," Ianto tried to pull himself together. "I was showing Gwen some things from the archive earlier today and we looked at a photo of Torchwood employees from 1918. This one, Harriet, she was 25 in the photo and she... Our records say she died the next year. Some Torchwood thing. I'm the same age as her. And it just... It made it real." </p>
<p>"Oh, mon amour! I am so sorry." </p>
<p>"Sebastien, what if I don't ever get to see you again?" </p>
<p>"I won't let that happen."</p>
<p>"But I could die tomorrow. We don't know." </p>
<p>"You're right my love." </p>
<p>"I chose this. I did. I knew the risks. And I still believe I am helping the world. But, Sebastien... I don't want to die. I know it is so selfish of me to say this. How can I escape what is coming for all Torchwood staff? But, not yet. I don't want to leave you, to leave Jack." </p>
<p>Ianto started sobbing. Sebastien made comforting noises on the phone. Ianto could feel Sebastien sending him calming and loving thoughts.  For a moment he almost felt that he was in Sebastien’s arms and Sebastien rubbed his back whilst he planted a kiss on his head. </p>
<p>"Do you want me to come to you?" </p>
<p>"I... I'm ok. It's ok. Things are so busy right now. I miss you but I need to figure things out. I just needed to fall apart for a bit. Thank you. You helped."</p>
<p>"Anytime you need to talk, I am here my love. We’re at a safe house now. There’s lots of security and it’s a secure line.  You can call me anytime you need." </p>
<p>"Thank you. And, Sebastien, we haven’t talked about the way our bond has changed yet."</p>
<p>“I am so sorry, mon amour. I hate that you have to feel me die. But… Oh I don’t want to say this…”  </p>
<p>“What, my love?”  </p>
<p>“Dying - as I’m sure you felt - is absolutely horrible. I am full of despair when I revive.  But when I came back and I felt, I felt like you were holding me, comforting me.  It  made it… It was the only time I have come back to life and not wished to still be dead.  Thank you.  Thank you for existing and for always knowing what I need.”</p>
<p>Ianto was going to cry again, he took a deep breath to control his emotions. </p>
<p>“Oh Sebastien. I wish I could be there in person for you.  What a terrible thing it must be to come back from that feeling and feel alone.” </p>
<p>“You did enough my sweet one. You always do enough.” </p>
<p>“It is strange though, don’t you think?  The bond has intensified. Was it since we met?”  </p>
<p>“I think, Ianto my soul, it was since we made love the first time. That’s when I started to feel more of your feelings.” </p>
<p>“Oh, oh, that’s so beautiful Sebastien. Um… Sebastien… I have, well, a bit of an embarrassing question. When Jack and I… I mean, you know...”  </p>
<p>Sebastien laughed merrily. “I don’t feel it.  I can feel that you’ve very happy sometimes.  But I can’t tell if it’s that you’re, uh, being intimate with Jack or just drinking a really great cup of coffee.”  </p>
<p>Ianto laughed.  “I mean, those *are* very similar feelings for me.”  </p>
<p>“Well, with that coffee you make, I can see that.”  </p>
<p>“I need to go.  But thank you Sebastien. You have also made my heart so big.”  </p>
<p>“Until next time my sweet one.”  </p>
<p>Speaking to Sebastien had been a release he needed, but Ianto knew he needed something more, something more visceral. He walked up to the main floor and saw that the light was still on in Jack's office. And then they were kissing and then they were naked. And then they were struggling to catch their breath on Jack's cot. </p>
<p>"If I went back to my home I would have missed out on that thing you can do with your tongue." Jack laughed. </p>
<p>"Funny thing, I learned that because I wanted to seduce human immortals from the future away from their homeland." </p>
<p>Jack laughed harder. </p>
<p>"And has it worked on any immortals other than me?" He joked.</p>
<p>Ianto turned bright red and didn't know where to look. </p>
<p>Jack sat up, suddenly very interested. </p>
<p>"He's a time traveling immortal? Is it the Doctor? No, couldn't be,  you said human. Besides, he's Ace and you like sex too much." </p>
<p>Ianto put an arm over his eyes. "He isn't a time traveler." </p>
<p>"Oh... What other immortals do I know? Wait... Is it one of Andromache's crew?" </p>
<p>It was Ianto's turn to sit up in surprise. </p>
<p>"You know Andy?" </p>
<p>"Do you?" </p>
<p>"No, I never met her. I know of her. But you know her?"</p>
<p>"Yes, in the biblical sense... Wait, did Joe and Nicky break up? How is that even possible? Joe nearly murdered me for merely suggesting a threesome." </p>
<p>"You slept with Andy?"</p>
<p>"I mean, of course, have you seen her???"</p>
<p>"No, it was just Sebastien that came to Cardiff."</p>
<p>"Le Livre? You're in love with Booker?"</p>
<p>"I mean, of course, have you seen him??" </p>
<p>Jack laughed. "No.  It was just Andy that got kidnapped by Torchwood One. But Ianto, I am not making fun. She told me about him, he seems very loyal.”</p>
<p>He looked appraisingly at Ianto.  “So Ianto Jones has a type:  Immortal men.”  </p>
<p>“Two hardly constitutes a type.” Ianto replied archly. “Lisa was demonstrably not immortal.”  </p>
<p>“Maybe it’s a response to that? You can’t bear to see another lover die permanently?”  </p>
<p>“Don’t armchair psychologize me, Jack. I didn’t know you were immortal when this… whatever this is … started.  And I didn’t fall for Sebastien because he’s immortal, it just happened.” </p>
<p>“Well… I better make sure you don’t meet the Doctor.”  Jack laughed. “Don’t want to have to deal with that love triangle.”  </p>
<p>Ianto rolled his eyes.</p>
<p>"Wait, what happened to Andy? What did those bastards at Torchwood One do to her?" </p>
<p>He filled Ianto in on rescuing Andy from Torchwood One.</p>
<p>“Jesus! And that was before Yvonne.  She’s lucky she never met *her*.”  </p>
<p>"It was bad. Torchwood One was always bad.  And you know, I understand her mistrust of Torchwood and UNIT but I think her refusal to help us ever with anything is unconscionable. Imagine if Torchwood Three was a team of immortals from the very beginning?"</p>
<p>Then Harriet would have lived to old age Ianto thought. But then he would never have met Jack or any of them.</p>
<p>"I'd be out of a job." Ianto laughed. </p>
<p>Jack suddenly pulled Ianto to him and held him tightly. </p>
<p>"But you'd be safe." He said quietly into Ianto's ear.</p>
<p>Ianto held onto Jack. "I know he said." </p>
<p> </p>
<p>***********************</p>
<p>Tosh was typing determinedly at her computer. </p>
<p>"T," Ianto said softly, "I made you some of that jasmine tea. Do you want to do a break on the roof?"</p>
<p>She looked up, trying to control her emotions. "Ok." </p>
<p>Once they had settled in their spot and we're sipping tea, Ianto looked at Tosh with concern. </p>
<p>"Do you want to talk about it?" </p>
<p>Tosh took a long while to answer but finally said. "I understand how Jack feels now. I know you know what it is like to outlive a lover but I sent him to his death."</p>
<p>"Oh Tosh..."</p>
<p>"I did. And I know I had to, that he saved the world, that it was the mission. But that doesn't change the fact that I am responsible for his death. It's a lot." </p>
<p>Ianto gently smoothed a hand on Tosh's back. </p>
<p>"I know," he said, "it really really sucks."</p>
<p>"I can't decide whether I wish I had known that I would need to send him to his death or not.  If I had,  would I have had time to talk myself out if it? But then, would I have caused even more damage?"</p>
<p>"Tommy was a fixed point in time." Ianto said softly. "There's nothing any of us could have done."</p>
<p>"I know. But I hate it." </p>
<p>"Yeah me too."</p>
<p>“It’s like you said about Lisa. Now we just have to go ahead and start forgetting about him.  We can’t mourn him forever. So soon it will be like he was never here at all…”</p>
<p>Tosh started to cry. Ianto pulled her into a brotherly hug.</p>
<p>"Let it out, Tosh. It's ok. You've got to feel it." </p>
<p>She hugged him back and began to sob onto his shirt. </p>
<p>"I know this is cold comfort, T. And I know you know this. But you made the right decision." Ianto said whilst holding her.</p>
<p>"It just hurts so badly." She said into his shirt.</p>
<p>"Yeah, and it will for awhile." </p>
<p>Tosh sobbed till she didn't have any tears left. Then she disentangled herself from Ianto. He gave her his handkerchief to dry her eyes.</p>
<p>"Thank you, Y. I just needed to let some of it out."</p>
<p>"Please just let me know if you need to talk or not talk or drink tea. I'm your guy." </p>
<p>Tosh smiled weakly at him and said, "best friends forever?" </p>
<p>Ianto smiled back. "Best friends forever."</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>When I was doing a rewatch this summer I literally gasped when Ianto said how old Harriet was when she died. Did the writers know at that point they were going to kill Ianto off at 26 years old too?  Or is it a coincidence?  Anyway, I think Gwen was being a bit mean by telling Ianto to cheer up. </p>
<p>Thanks so much for reading! I would love to hear what you think.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0025"><h2>25. "I'll stay as long as I can"</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Booker and Andy have a talk. Tosh asks for a favour.  And Jack broods.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This chapter is set on the edges of "Meat".</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Booker was getting really into his book when Andy walked into the common room at the safe house. </p>
<p>"Hey Book. I'm sorry to do this to you when we just finished a job but we have another urgent one. It's in Berlin. I think we can take out the leaders of that gun running cartel. Can I get you on the research for that right away?"</p>
<p>Booker put down his book. "Yeah, no worries. Send me what you have and I'll dig in." </p>
<p>"We need to leave for Berlin like stat." </p>
<p>"Noted."</p>
<p>Andy was clearly bored because she lingered. What are you reading?" She peaked over at his book. "Booker are you reading How Green Was My Valley?" Andy rolled her eyes affectionately. </p>
<p>"What? I can hear the accents in my head."</p>
<p>"You're ridiculous." </p>
<p>Booker shrugged and picked up the book again. </p>
<p>"But Booker? I… look, I am sorry about how harsh I was to you. I don't think you're pathetic. I am just worried about this whole situation."</p>
<p>"I appreciate your care but I'm a big kid. I can take care of myself. Even if it doesn't last. You know, better to have loved and lost than not loving or whatever the cliché is."</p>
<p>"I didn't realize how incredibly depressed you were." Andy said quietly. "I thought that's just what you were like. But seeing you happy… it's wonderful Book. You're so different." </p>
<p>Booker smiled at Andy. "This is how I was before Mathilde died, I guess."</p>
<p>"I like it. I am sorry I was so against you meeting Ianto. I’m still afraid that he’s mortal. And, well…  I was worried that he would be like Jack. I figured if they are sleeping together, it must be like that." </p>
<p>"Like what?" </p>
<p>"Well, Jack's kind of a fuck and run kind of guy. He doesn't really do relationships. That was perfect for me. I don't either. The more meaningless the sex is, the better for me. But, you. You my dear friend are like a swan, you mate for life. I mean you grieved your wife for two hundred years. You trying to date Jack would be a disaster. But this Welsh kid? He seems pretty loyal. I think he's good for you." </p>
<p>Booker beamed. "I think so too."  He tried not to think about the fact that Ianto was very similar to him in terms of wanting a committed relationship, and he was trying to date Jack.  </p>
<p>He hesitated. What he was about to say could very well prompt Andy to murder him. </p>
<p>"Andy, I think you're even more of a romantic than I am. I moved on from Mathilde after two hundred years. And you… How long has it been? Five hundred years? You chase meaningless sex because you can't bear for it to mean anything with anyone but her." </p>
<p>Andy looked shocked and discomposed. She gulped and stared at the floor. </p>
<p>"You're not wrong." She said, attempting to gain control of her voice. </p>
<p>"Oh Andy!" Before she could run away he scooped her up in a brotherly embrace. "I'm so sorry. Someday we will find Quynh." </p>
<p> </p>
<p>********************</p>
<p>Jack was in a mood. Ianto guessed that Gwen's refusal to Retcon Rhys had upset him. Well, it wasn't so much the refusal to Retcon Rhys as the reason behind it. Jack was jealous of Gwen. She had something Jack thought he would never have: domesticity, growing old together. </p>
<p>Ianto was doing some routine jobs in the archives to stay out of Jack's way, at least until everyone else went home. Then maybe he could take Jack's mind off everything. </p>
<p>He heard Tosh's heels on the steps. He loved how Tosh was so badass that she could wear heels in the field and run and kick ass with the best of them. </p>
<p>"What's up T?" He said without turning around to look at her. </p>
<p>"Can... Can I ask you a favour?" </p>
<p>She sounded nervous. Ianto turned to face her.</p>
<p>"Of course! Is everything ok?" </p>
<p>"Yeah, no, I'm good. So... if Owen makes a plan to play pool can you say yes but then, like, cancel at the very last minute, like when Owen is already there? And could you maybe ask Jack and Gwen to do the same? But, like, not make it obvious?" </p>
<p>Ianto raised an eyebrow. </p>
<p>"Oh, I know it's immature. It's just I have been trying to subtly ask Owen out and it's not working." </p>
<p>"Oh Tosh, so, the talk about dating someone who knows what you do and all that, is you asking Owen out?" </p>
<p>"Ok smart arse, sarcasm isn't always called for, you know."</p>
<p>Ianto put his hands up in mock surrender.</p>
<p>"Sorry, Y. It's just this is really hard!! He's so clueless about my hints. We were watching Rhys and Gwen be all adorable and I said, 'I guess you can date in this job' which he ignored. And then I said, 'would you like to go play pool some time' - like *right* after I said the thing about dating. And he was all like 'Sure! I'll talk to Gwen and Ianto and see what times work.'" </p>
<p>Ianto smiled sympathetically. "I'm so sorry T. He's utterly clueless. I think you might need to be more obvious." </p>
<p>"I was pretty obvious!!" </p>
<p>"I find, if you want someone to know you are asking them out on a date, the words ‘would you like to go on a date with me' work really well." </p>
<p>"You make it sound so easy." </p>
<p>"I know. I know it's hard in real life. And it would be just like our Owen to *still* not get it." </p>
<p>Tosh laughed. "Right?!? Anyway, I envy you. On one hand you have a man you have a psychic emotional bond with and on the other a man who turns any sentence into an innuendo. You could say, 'Would you like some coffee Jack?' or 'I've still got that stopwatch' and he would think it was an invitation to have sex."</p>
<p>Ianto blushed. </p>
<p>"Really? Well I have no idea why that's an innuendo." </p>
<p>Ianto shrugged. </p>
<p>"I know T, it was pretty easy to get Jack in bed. But... I am just not a casual fling type person. I mean last year I was so fucked up about Lisa, I couldn't handle much more. But now... I am having just as much trouble saying 'I want a relationship' as you are at saying 'let's go on a date'." </p>
<p>Tosh smiled sympathetically. </p>
<p>"I mean, he's sitting up there in his office moping about because Gwen and Rhys are in happy domestic bliss that he can never have.  But down here, in the archives, is sitting domestic bliss! In a three piece suit no less!"</p>
<p>Ianto motioned to himself.</p>
<p>"It's a very nice suit too." </p>
<p>"Thank you." </p>
<p>"We make a fine pair don't we? Neither of us can use our words." </p>
<p>"Yep. But T, you should try it. He's not fucking around every night anymore since Diane. You do have loads in common. He's quite likely to say yes. It's just a date, you're not asking him to marry you." </p>
<p>"Yeah, I know." </p>
<p>"Besides you are well out of his league, he'd be lucky to date you."</p>
<p>"Y, that sounds like a compliment to me, but I think it's just a dig at Owen."</p>
<p>"Can't it be both?" Ianto fluttered his eyelashes. </p>
<p>"Ha ha. Ok, I am going to do it. Maybe tomorrow... Or the next day. Thanks! See you tomorrow." </p>
<p>Tosh headed up the stairs.</p>
<p>"Screw your courage to the sticking place and we'll not fail!" Ianto called up after Tosh in a fake posh English accent. </p>
<p>"Thanks Lady M." She called back.</p>
<p>***********************</p>
<p>"I made you some coffee, sir"</p>
<p>"Oh Ianto... I'm not really..." </p>
<p>"Well, it's mostly whiskey but there is a splash of coffee in there." </p>
<p>"Now you're speaking my language!" Jack reached up to accept the mug from Ianto. </p>
<p>"You made the right decision." Ianto said as he sat on Jack's desk. He tried not to think about how the last time he did that resulted in them lying sweaty and spent in Jack's army cot. </p>
<p>"Not to Retcon them?"</p>
<p>"Yeah. We need Gwen. We can't afford to Retcon her and if you made her Retcon Rhys she would have quit anyway."</p>
<p>"I know. That's not why I did it though." </p>
<p>"Oh?" </p>
<p>"Never could resist seeing two fools in love. Crazy kids, I hope they make it." </p>
<p>"You could have that." </p>
<p>"Nah, Gwen just likes to flirt with me but she would never follow through." </p>
<p>"That's not what I meant and you know it, sir." </p>
<p>Jack looked up at him. </p>
<p>"No I can't have that and you know it." </p>
<p>Ianto didn't know what to say. Jack was right. There wouldn't be any growing old together. He tentatively put a hand on Jack's shoulder fully expecting Jack to flinch or push his hand away. But Jack didn't. He looked at Ianto with desperately sad eyes. And then he was between Ianto's legs hugging him around the waist. His head on Ianto's chest. </p>
<p>"I'll stay as long as I can." Ianto murmured. </p>
<p>Jack hugged him tighter.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>How Green Was My Valley is a novel about Welsh coal miners.</p>
<p>Thanks for reading!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0026"><h2>26. Confusion</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Booker is on a mission but Ianto is acting strange.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This chapter is set on the edges of "Adam"</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Booker looked out of the window of his hotel room.  He could see the lights of Alexanderplatz and the phallic Fernsehturm glowing in the distance.  He wished he had his cell phone.  A few months ago he would have laughed at someone who was so addicted to their phone. But then again, it wasn’t his phone he was addicted to. It was the texts from one clever Welshman. It was the ability to be able to talk to Ianto with a few taps on his phone.  He could call from the hotel phone, if he was desperate.  But he wasn’t so desperate to hear that gorgeous Welsh baritone that he would jeopardize the mission.  The sooner they took out these gun runners the better. </p>
<p>He thought of Ianto and thought of holding him, he tried to convey how much thinking of him brought him peace across the distance.  He felt a confusion in response. As if Ianto didn’t understand what he was sending.  </p>
<p>There was a light knock on the door.  </p>
<p>“It’s time to get going.” Joe’s muffled voice </p>
<p>Booker was slightly alarmed about the response from Ianto but he couldn’t think of that right now.  The gun runners were dangerous and there were innocent mortals in the mix. He couldn’t afford to be distracted. He would have to sort out the confusion when the job was done.  </p>
<p>**********************************</p>
<p>It went well at first but then things went downhill rather quickly. They managed to disable the bombs that the gun runners had planted at the Reichstag to create chaos.  Nicky had very  quick nimble hands and made short work of the devices. </p>
<p>“I’ve got readings from the tracer - they are headed to an area outside of town.”  Joe said, consulting his console.  </p>
<p>They jumped in their rental car and sped out of Berlin.  Joe and Nicky joked about how Andy was so dismissive of Berlin baklava calling it “colonial oppressor baklava”.  Andy rolled her eyes and said the baklava in Istanbul was better.  Booker just sat in the car and worried about Ianto.  Something was going on with him.  His presence was different, more nervous.  </p>
<p>But then they were there and they managed to break into their compound.  The first time that night that Booked died he had stepped on a landmine planted on the grounds of the compound.  He was fast enough to be killed by shrapnel and not torn apart so he revived quickly but the noise had alerted everyone to their presence.  </p>
<p>He didn’t feel the comfort from Ianto that he had the last time he died.  He felt sheer terror and something that seemed like guilt.  </p>
<p>The second time he died it was in a hail of bullets.  They were out-gunned by the men guarding the compound and they were cut down instantly.   </p>
<p>They were able to revive and get up before the men sent to collect their bodies reached them so there were no witnesses to their miraculous recovery.  Though there was always a chance that the compound was heavily covered with security cameras.  Again Booker felt Ianto’s terror. He  tried to send calming thoughts but he was starting to panic himself.  </p>
<p>The third time, and last of the day, that Booker died, they had forced their way into the compound and were sweeping the room when a thug had snuck up behind Booker and gutted him like a fish.  Ianto was in a state this time.  All Booker could feel was guilt and terror. It was as if Ianto felt that he had caused Booker’s death.  </p>
<p>Despite his best intentions, Booker was distracted as they did clean-up. They destroyed all the surveillance footage and then torched the compound.  It was easy work and luckily the gun runners didn’t store their surveillance anywhere online so Booker didn’t have to trawl the web to find any footage.  </p>
<p>By the time they made it back to their hotel Booker was intensely anxious.  He called Ianto’s cell from the hotel but it had been switched off. </p>
<p>**************************</p>
<p>Ianto paced back and forth in the Hub.  How could he?  What kind of a monster was he?  But he had killed those women. He had felt them die.  Felt the life drain from their bodies.  He felt the yawning emptiness as they had slipped away under his hands. Their life gone and left with the feeling of nothing.  He had felt all of that.  And he had liked it.  He wanted more.  He  wanted to do it again.  </p>
<p>It must have been the voice in his head that made him do it.  It wasn’t a voice exactly. It wasn’t words.  But there was someone else in his head.  Someone reaching to him to provide comfort.  It must have been that force that made him kill. That made him like it.  And now the force was panicking.  It was calling out to him. But he had to ignore it. He had to step away. The voice made him kill. It made him love killing.  It was evil.  He had to block it.  Shut it out.  Stop it.  </p>
<p>But then he had killed three women.  He took their life and left them empty.  How had this happened?   And what would he do now? He was a criminal.  A monster.  </p>
<p>He had to be locked up.  That was the only option.  He needed to be locked up forever, the key thrown away.  Before he killed again.   Jack would help him.  Jack would lock him in the vaults. He had to talk to Jack.</p>
<p>***********************</p>
<p>When Booker  got back to his phone there was a text from a number he didn’t recognize.</p>
<p>“Booker - this is Jack. Ianto gave me your number in case…. Well, don’t panic, this isn’t that.  I need to tell you something.  We were all hit with an invasion from a hostile alien species.  It messed with our memories.  Ianto has been through a lot.  He… the thing got into his mind and made him believe horrible things.  I can’t get into it all.  But please don’t tell him about it. I am telling you because I know you have that connection with him and you must have felt his confusion.  He’s okay now. It’s best just to let him forget. We’re all going to take Retcon and none of us will remember this. It’s the only way. We will all be okay. But I just wanted you to know. He'll need some nurturing in the next few days and I won't remember. You're better at that stuff anyway. P.S.  If any of you want to join Torchwood, the offer is still open.”  </p>
<p>Then there was a text from Ianto.  </p>
<p>“I miss you. How did your mission go?  Um, did you feel anything weird from me whilst you were away?  Some Torchwood thing went on and we have no memories of the past few days. Anyway, I’m sorry if I did anything that made you worry.  I love you and I miss you.”  </p>
<p>Booker smiled sadly as he called Ianto's number up on his phone.</p>
<p>"Sebastien!! I missed you." </p>
<p>And hearing the deep, rich Welsh baritone, Booker relaxed for the first time in days.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thanks for reading!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0027"><h2>27. Regression</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>The Torchwood Team meets Martha and Jack withdraws again</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This chapter is set on the edges of "Reset".</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The arrival of Martha Jones on the surface of it seemed like an incredibly positive turn of events. Jack was downright giddy as he gave her a tour of the Hub. Ianto thought it was adorable. He liked Martha immediately. She was warm and kind and her enthusiasm was infectious.</p><p>But later in the day Ianto started to notice the cracks in the facade of Jack's good humour. Ianto had managed to figure out that Martha had been somehow a part of whatever happened to Jack when he was away. </p><p>He asked Martha and she firmly but politely demurred. As much as that frustrated Ianto's desire to know and to understand Jack's trauma, it endeared her to him incredibly. He respected that she wouldn't reveal Jack's secrets. </p><p>After Jack and Ianto said goodbye to Martha as she headed back to her hotel room Ianto turned to Jack. </p><p>"I like her!" </p><p>"She's the greatest." Jack agreed. "Can't think of anyone else I would rather have in my corner of the chips are down and the world is ending." </p><p>Ianto put a tentative hand on Jack's shoulder. But Jack gently took Ianto's hand with his opposite hand and removed it. </p><p>"Martha being here just stirs up a lot of memories. I need to be alone tonight." </p><p>He looked at Ianto with incredible sadness. As if he was remembering some painful thing. Like he was thinking about Ianto's death like it had already happened.</p><p>"Of course, sir. I understand." </p><p>******************</p><p>"OMG!!!! Ianto!!!! He said yes!!" The text message said. Ianto smiled. He could hear Tosh's excited voice in his head.</p><p>"Who did what now?" </p><p>"Owen!! He mentioned my clumsy pool invite and I screwed my courage to the sticking point!"</p><p>"And you succeeded?" </p><p>"Yes!!!! I mean he was all like 'sure whatever, but I'm not going to stop flirting with other people.' But he did say yes!!!" </p><p>"Yay!! I am so proud of you T!! When’s the date?”</p><p>"Thanks! Well, we haven’t made a solid plan yet.  But he did seem like he was moderately into it.  How are things with your men?"</p><p>"Well Jack asked Martha if she could get him a unit uniform for me to wear."</p><p>"Kinky!! But in his defense, red is your colour."</p><p>"That's what I said!"</p><p>"Ok, gotta go, Owen is looking at me suspiciously like he knows that I am texting about him." </p><p>"You go flirt with your man. I have to track down a hired killer apparently." </p><p>"Stay safe!"</p><p>**************************</p><p>"No, no, no, no, no, no!!" </p><p>Tosh just kept repeating as tears streaming down her face. Ianto could tell Jack and Martha needed space. </p><p>"T, come here." He gently put a hand on her shoulder. She turned to look up at him and the look on her face broke his heart. He had seen that devastation in his own eyes when he looked in the mirror after Lisa had died. </p><p>But Tosh stood up shakily and stepped into Ianto's awaiting arms. </p><p>"No, he can't... Not just before... It's not fair..." She sobbed into Ianto's shirt. Ianto held her tight.</p><p>He looked over to Jack and Martha who were preparing to put Owen on a stretcher. Jack looked worse than Tosh though he was trying to control it. His face was awash with misery and guilt. Suddenly a memory occurred to Ianto, Jack had his hand on Owen's shoulder and Owen said, "who will protect me?" "I will" Jack answered. </p><p>Ianto wanted to comfort Jack too but he knew this was not the time or place, if ever there would be one.  How could he comfort Jack? Jack looked at him sometimes, times like this,  like he was a reminder of everyone else's mortality, that Jack was doomed to lose everything. That ultimately, Jack would never be able to truly protect his team. </p><p>The closer they got, the more Jack whispered secrets and memories when he thought Ianto was asleep in his arms, the more Jack craved not only Ianto's body but to spend time with him, to just be in his presence, the more Jack stood to lose - again - when Ianto died. And Ianto could tell by the look on Jack’s face as he glanced up at Ianto that that was what Jack was thinking now. He was putting up those walls that had slowly started to come down after he returned from travelling with the Doctor.</p><p>And Ianto was fucking sick of it. He didn't want to be a reminder of the ephemeral nature of life, the fragility of humanity. He was in love with Jack and he just wanted to be his sort of boyfriend. His half boyfriend? He knew it was unrealistic and frankly greedy to want the same dynamic with Jack that he had with Sebastien. But he was just so tired of being looked at like he had an expiry date on his forehead. </p><p>"Ianto, take Tosh back in Martha's car." Jack and Martha were loading Owen's body into the suv. </p><p>"No!!!" Tosh flew out of Ianto's arms and ran to the suv. "I have to go with him! I can't... I just need... Please let me stay with him!" </p><p>Jack twitched. "Fine. Martha, go with Ianto. Gwen, please take care of Tosh. Let's get back to the Hub." </p><p>"I'm so sorry Ianto." Martha said as she put the car in gear and they drove away from the Pharm. </p><p>"It's part of the job. Today it's Owen, tomorrow it will be Tosh. Next day me. We're all mortal. None of us will live past 40." </p><p>"Oh... I... Uh... Have you thought about getting a different job?" </p><p>"Never. I know the risks. Saving the world doesn't come without a price. I am willing to pay that price." </p><p>"I see..." </p><p>"It's hard though. Hardest for Jack. I can't imagine... Always outliving everyone." </p><p>"I don't know how he does it. You know, the Doctor, he keeps this detached distance. He makes you fall in love with him but you know it's never going to be physical. But Jack... Jack is up in there. He's so turned on by life, he just has to be physical with everyone... Oh, sorry.. I forgot. Err I didn't mean to imply... Oh shit."</p><p>Ianto smiled. "No it's fine. Trust me. I am very well aware of Jack's penchant for fucking anything that is sentient enough to consent. We're not monogamous. We're not even really... Well, I don't know what we are." </p><p>Martha smiled sadly. "Well... He keeps going back to you, so that must mean something. But anyway, he's, for lack of a less disgusting phrase, balls deep in life. That must make it harder when people die." </p><p>*****</p><p>Ianto was in the middle of making Tosh's tea when  his phone pinged. Without looking he knew it was Sebastien. </p><p>"Amour, are you ok? The anguish I am sensing is intense. I don't want to crowd you but say the word and I will be there."</p><p>"Please come."</p><p>"I'm looking for flights right now. I'm in the middle of Mexico so it will take a bit, but I will be there as soon as I can." </p><p>"Thank you." </p><p>Ianto felt the tension in his body easing slightly.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thanks for reading!  Any comments are so much appreciated!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0028"><h2>28. I'm not here to talk</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Andy drives Booker to the airport and Ianto doesn't need to talk.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This is based around the edges of "Dead Man Walking"</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Booker looked out the window of the Jeep. It was a long drive to the Mexico City airport but Andy said she didn't mind driving him. </p>
<p>It was hard work to not jiggle his legs constantly. He was so full of nervous energy and excitement. It hadn't been that long since he had seen Ianto in person but it had felt like an eternity. His hands itched to touch Ianto's skin and he longed to look in his gorgeous blue eyes as they glimmered for him. And even just to sit on the love seat with him, not doing anything, just being in his presence. He tried to repress his excitement.  He wasn’t going for a happy reunion.  He was going because Ianto needed him.  There was a deep pain, and so much anxiety about how things had gone.  He was going to comfort Ianto.</p>
<p>And yet, the nervous excitement remained.  He had no idea how he was going to make it through this car ride, let alone the flights. </p>
<p>"So he's alive again, you said? But he's not one of us?" Andy said. </p>
<p>"I know, it's very confusing. Apparently there is this reanimating glove, Ianto calls it a "risen mitten" which only really makes sense as a rhyming nickname if you say it with a Welsh accent. And so Jack brought their medic back with the glove. So he's still sort of dead but he's walking around and talking. Except maybe he’s a manifestation of Death itself?  They aren’t sure." </p>
<p>"I, a centuries old immortal, never feel so normal as when you tell me all the weird shit your boyfriend deals with on a daily basis." Andy quipped.</p>
<p>"And he's so nonchalant about it! He was all like, 'Oh, well Jack reanimated Owen and now he's even more grumpy, but also occasionally his eyes go all black and he speaks Aramaic or something. You know, typical Tuesday.' I think he just can't think about it too much or he couldn't cope with how extreme it is. I mean, he would never show it to the rest of the team, but I think it gets to him.  All that trauma, every day.  I feel it, you know?  He’s not okay." </p>
<p>Andy thought for awhile and said. "Do you want to join them? It would make things easier for you and Ianto."</p>
<p>"Andy, I love Ianto with all my heart but I am loyal to you. I know you don't want to join them so I won't. Besides I think having my boyfriend's boyfriend as my boss would be a bit weird."</p>
<p>"I know Torchwood Three is different from the monsters who tortured me. But I just couldn't work with Jack. He's impetuous. He takes stupid risks with his staff. And I couldn't take my salary from the Queen. The whole structure, it's just not who I am.”</p>
<p>“It’s okay.  I don’t know if I would want to join them.  It’s a lot. The things he has told me?  I don’t know if I could handle it. I would definitely start binge drinking again just to cope.”  </p>
<p> </p>
<p>**************</p>
<p>"Tosh, are you ok? You've been through a lot." </p>
<p>"Yeah, I... I just need to be alone to process it all. I'm going home. Thanks for the tea." </p>
<p>"Please text me if you need to talk or anything." </p>
<p>“I promise you that I will.” </p>
<p>Tosh walked sadly out the rolling cog door. Ianto wished there was something he could do for her. She'd been through so much. First Tommy, now Owen being dead but then alive again, then maybe going to die, then alive but not alive. </p>
<p>Ianto looked up. Jack was pacing in his office, which meant he wasn't feeling as broody as when he went to the roof. Broody, to some extent was fine. Ianto didn't need a heart to heart, or at least he knew he would never get that so why bother trying. The closeness that was starting to build with Jack had been shattered by Owen’s death.  Jack was hurting excessively from it. He blamed himself.  But he was shutting Ianto out - at least emotionally. So Ianto wouldn’t approach him for anything emotional. Physical would have to do for now. All the stress of the past few days has coalesced into a deep physical need. </p>
<p>He walked into Jack’s office. </p>
<p>"Are you here to tell me how I fucked everything up like I always do?" </p>
<p>So still a bit broody then. </p>
<p>"Do I look like Gwen?"</p>
<p>"Harsh." </p>
<p>"Just saying, she's the only one you listen to when they yell at you. I just bring the coffee." </p>
<p>"Ianto, don't do that. It's been a shit couple of days." </p>
<p>"I know, sir. It's been shit for me too." </p>
<p>"I know Ianto. We're just both on edge."</p>
<p>Ianto moved behind Jack and started massaging his shoulders. </p>
<p>"I can't talk about it." </p>
<p>"I know, I'm not here to talk, Jack." </p>
<p>Jack relaxed into Ianto's hands sighing in pleasure. Ianto worked at the stress and tension in Jack's muscles until they were loose. He wished the demons in Jack's mind were so easily dispatched. </p>
<p>"You have magic hands, Ianto Jones." </p>
<p>"So I have been told."</p>
<p>"Who told you?"</p>
<p>"You Jack."</p>
<p>"Smart man that Jack Harkness." Jack said as he  stood up and turned to face Ianto. </p>
<p>Ianto rolled his eyes affectionately. </p>
<p>"Smart arse more like..."</p>
<p>"Oh you want to talk about arses, do you?" Jack's eyes glinted. </p>
<p>Ianto looked him straight in the eyes and replied, "I already told you, I didn't come here to talk." </p>
<p>Before Ianto even really knew what was happening Jack had Ianto's pants, underwear, socks and shoes off and had pushed him face first onto the table. His ass was in the air exposed. He was getting unbearably hard. </p>
<p>Jack ran his hands along Ianto’s ass. </p>
<p>"Right, let’s get to the not talking then." Jack said lustfully as he parted Ianto asscheeks and rubbed a finger against his hole.</p>
<p>Ianto moaned at the contact. Jack leaned in and began to lick around Ianto's hole. Ianto cried out in pleasure as Jack's tongue worked its way in.</p>
<p>"Fuuuuck, you have a magic tongue Jack Harkness." </p>
<p>Jack pulled out and moved to get the lube out of his desk. </p>
<p>"Not just my tongue." He said as he pushed a slick finger past the puckered muscle into Ianto. *And while we're talking about body parts. You have a phenomenal and delicious ass." </p>
<p>Ianto could only moan as Jack put another finger in. He thrust and stretched Ianto. Ianto had to concentrate not to let go and come right then.</p>
<p>"Speaking of body parts," Ianto panted,  "I need your cock in me right now."</p>
<p>"So demanding." Jack said as he pulled his fingers out and put on a condom and lubed up his dick. "But how can I say no? A tight little ass like yours, round like a goddamned peach? Can't wait to thrust my hard cock up in there and fuck you so hard you forget your own name."</p>
<p>Ianto moaned, "do it."</p>
<p>With that Jack pushed his cock into Ianto. Ianto felt invaded, like he was being split in two. He loved it. Jack began to thrust in and out slowly.</p>
<p>"Jaaaack, I need more, fuck me harder." </p>
<p>"Demanding." </p>
<p>"Damn right. When I want something, I have no pro... Ahhhhh!!!!" Ianto was made inarticulate as Jack angled in and thrust hard hitting his prostate. </p>
<p>Jack had a steady rhythm now, slamming into Ianto. They both grunted and moaned in pleasure. The friction of Ianto's cock pressed against the desk was good but not enough. </p>
<p>"Jack, I need a different position to come." </p>
<p>Without pulling out Jack pulled Ianto forward and flipped them so Jack was leaning on the desk. He put his hands on Ianto's hip and moved them back and forth, fucking Ianto on his cock. Ianto reached down and took himself in hand. He wouldn't need much after all of it.</p>
<p>"Are you going to come for me?" Jack's voice was jagged with lust. "Do it. I want your cum splattered all over my floor." </p>
<p>A violent orgasm ripped through Ianto. He cried out as he spurted. </p>
<p>"Fuck that's hot."</p>
<p>Jack somehow moved them to the floor in one fluid movement without pulling out of Ianto. He continued thrusting hard and deep until he too was crying out in pleasure. </p>
<p>They both collapsed on the floor trying to catch their breath. </p>
<p>"What's my name?... Who am I??" Ianto gasped out. </p>
<p>Jack laughed. "Alright, I'm going to take a shower. Can you stay tonight?" </p>
<p>"Of course " </p>
<p>"Good but I meant it about not talking about things."</p>
<p>Ianto started collecting his clothes. "Got it." As if he was stupid enough to try to get Jack to talk about his feelings.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>What do you do when the episode is about a character who is barely a character in your fic?  I dunno, write a graphic sex scene?  </p>
<p>Thanks for reading and I would love to hear what you think!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0029"><h2>29. Respite</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Ianto is there for Tosh and then Booker is there for Ianto.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This chapter takes place around the edges of "A Day in the Death".</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"Hi Ianto, is Owen there? I came to his flat and he got mad and ran off." </p>
<p>"No, he's not here. Just a sec." </p>
<p>Ianto put down the receiver and clicked on his comms unit. </p>
<p>"Jack, Owen ran off somewhere. Can you keep an eye out?"</p>
<p>"On it!"</p>
<p>Ianto clicked off and put the receiver back to his ear.</p>
<p>"Jack's looking. Are you ok T? What happened?"</p>
<p>Tosh started to cry. </p>
<p>"I can't with Owen right now. I went to his place and he was awful to me. He said I was pathetic for being in love with him. He said I only came round so I can feel superior to him."</p>
<p>"Oh Tosh! I am so sorry. He has no right to speak to you like that. I know he's traumatized from dying and coming back but other people have feelings too. I know you love him but that man can be so selfish. I don’t know, I guess we're all selfish when we go through trauma. But that doesn't make it any easier to deal with. I am so sorry T!" </p>
<p>“It’s just, his words… he’s breaking my heart. I loved him when he was alive and I love him when he’s dead alive - it doesn’t just stop.  Why is he being horrible about it?”  </p>
<p>“Oh, T.  He’s hurting.  This is not to excuse his behaviour.  But he’s scared and he’s frustrated, and he’s in emotional pain.  And so he’s lashing out.  He nearly broke my coffee machine - which I realize is not on the same level as what he said to you - but he’s just got so much anger.  It’s not fair what happened to him.  So I mean, we can understand why he’s acting like that.  But Tosh - I need you to hear this - it is not your fault.  None of it is your fault.  You didn’t do this to him.  And I think he’s only lashing out so harshly at you because he knows that you’ll forgive him. He knows how big and beautiful and kind your heart is.  And he knows that you’re a professional.  He knows you’ll speak to him calmly and appropriately at work next time you see him.  And that’s not fair. I’m just so sorry Tosh.” </p>
<p>"You’re right, of course. I just don't know how to comfort him about this. He won't let me." </p>
<p>"I know how that feels.  I'm so sorry."</p>
<p>Tosh sniffed. "Us and our clueless men, right?" </p>
<p>"Yeah. Hey, come back to the Hub. I'll start making the Jasmine tea now so it will be ready when you get here. We'll go up to the roof and talk or not talk about it.</p>
<p>"You are an angel Ianto." </p>
<p>********************</p>
<p>"You ok?" Ianto asked Tosh as they walked to Tosh's car. Ianto hadn't been home since the night before Martha arrived when Jack had picked him up in the middle of the night to hunt Weevils so Tosh had offered to drive him home. </p>
<p>"It's been a bit of a week but I'm still going. Owen and I talked. He opened up a bit. So that's something." </p>
<p>"I'm so glad." </p>
<p>They drove in companionable silence for awhile. When they were close to Ianto's apartment Tosh broke the silence. </p>
<p>"So, any plans for the weekend? How come you're not out with Jack?"</p>
<p>"He said after a week like this he needs to go fuck as many strangers as he could find. He's probably in the middle of an orgy as we speak." </p>
<p>"I know you're open and all that but why are you so chipper about that?" </p>
<p>"Because," Ianto grinned as Tosh pulled up to the curb by Ianto's apartment, "he's not the only one getting laid tonight, hopefully." </p>
<p>He gestured to the ravishing man in a faded leather jacket and tight jeans with a duffle bag slung over his shoulder leaning on the wall beside the front door of his building. </p>
<p>"You tart!! Booker's in town?"</p>
<p>"The very one." Ianto was quickly unbuckling his seatbelt. As he opened the car door Sebastien pushed off the wall and practically ran to the car. Ianto could feel the joy radiating off of him.</p>
<p>It was like Ianto had forgotten how incredibly gorgeous Sebastien was. Seeing him took Ianto's breath away. </p>
<p>"Sebastien!!" He exclaimed as Sebastien pulled him into his arms.</p>
<p>"I can't even tell you how much I missed hearing my name said with a gorgeous Welsh accent." </p>
<p>Sebastien kissed both his cheeks and Ianto snuggled into Sebastien's warmth. But then remembered Tosh. </p>
<p>He pulled back a bit. "You remember Tosh."</p>
<p>Tosh had gotten out of the car and waved hello. </p>
<p>"Toshiko! So lovely to see you!" Sebastien went over and kissed each of Tosh's cheeks. She beamed. </p>
<p>"I am so sorry about all the stuff you've been through this week. Are you ok?" </p>
<p>Tosh smiled. "Thank you. I am ok now. It's been a lot though. But Ianto was really there for me." </p>
<p>She smiled at Ianto and he smiled at her. </p>
<p>"Well, I should be off. But I am so glad you're here Booker. Our Welshman here could use some love and nurturing." </p>
<p>Sebastien smiled at Tosh. "That’s what I intend to give him.”  </p>
<p>Ianto blushed.</p>
<p>“I am here for the weekend, maybe we could do dinner tomorrow or brunch on Sunday?" </p>
<p>"Oh! I don't want to interrupt anything. But maybe brunch?" </p>
<p>"That's perfect!" Ianto beamed. The thought of a meal with two of his favourite people filled him with joy. He thought of inviting Jack but worried it would turn into some sort of pissing contest between him and Booker. Someday, maybe, he thought as if he has an infinite amount of days.</p>
<p>"Well… I'll, uh, leave you to it then." </p>
<p>Ianto blushed and waved goodbye to Tosh as Sebastien slipped an arm around his waist and leaned his head on Ianto's shoulder. </p>
<p>"Fuck, I missed you." He said. His Belgian accent floated into Ianto's ears. Ianto felt like he was home. </p>
<p>"Thank you for coming. I need you right now." </p>
<p>They turned and headed into Ianto's apartment building. </p>
<p>As Ianto was opening his door the alien cat came bounding down the hall to see Sebastien.</p>
<p>"Someone else missed you." Ianto laughed as Sebastien knelt down to make a big fuss of the cat. Once thoroughly petted the cat sauntered off. </p>
<p>As soon as Ianto had closed the door Sebastien was there gently pushing him against the wall. </p>
<p>He lightly explored Ianto's face with his hands. </p>
<p>"How are you my beautiful Welshman?"</p>
<p>"Better now that you're here."</p>
<p>"You are so good for my ego, Ianto Jones."</p>
<p>"You are good for my soul Sebastien La Livre." </p>
<p>Sebastien brought his lips to Ianto's. The kiss was sweet but intense. He gripped Sebastien's hips with each hand in or to steady himself and stay up. Every movement Sebastien made was imbued with love. Ianto felt so cherished. Sebastien had moved his hands down and was stroking Ianto's neck and collarbone with reverence. </p>
<p>Sebastien broke the kiss to catch his breath. </p>
<p>"I want to make love to you." Sebastien said. "I want to kiss all your pain away. Banish your demons with my hands laid on your body. When you come I want it to be your misery and sadness that spurts out of your body and into my mouth. I will swallow your sadness and make it disappear." </p>
<p>Ianto was vaguely aware that if he read this in a book he would laugh at how ridiculously sentimental it was. But seeing the way Sebastien looked at him, he wanted it to be possible. Believed it to be possible. He felt that it was possible. He felt nothing but sincerity from Sebastien. The strength of Sebastien's love could do anything at that moment. Even if only at that moment. It was enough. It was everything Ianto longed for when he comforted a devastated Tosh, grieved for Owen and then grieved for dead Owen, and when he tried to navigate Jack's moods. He suddenly became aware of tears in his eyes.</p>
<p>"I love you so much Sebastien. Even if you can't fix it, or if the fix only sticks whilst I am in your arms, it means something that you tried." </p>
<p>He took Sebastien's hand in his and led him to the bedroom. </p>
<p>They were slow in taking each other's clothes off, as if to make this last as long as possible. When they were both naked they fell on the bed together. </p>
<p>"Ianto, can I just hold you for a moment. My arms have missed you."</p>
<p>Ianto laid his head on Sebastien's chest and ran his free hand through the hair there. He loved listening to Sebastien's heart beating and made his breathing fall in sync with him. </p>
<p>"Do you want to talk about it?" Sebastien's voice was smooth and compassionate. </p>
<p>"It's just been a lot. A lot of trying to comfort people I love when there is no comfort to be found. A lot of thinking about my mortality." </p>
<p>He felt Sebastien stiffen momentarily but then he went back to his calm presence only holding Ianto a little bit tighter. Ianto knew his mortality was not a pleasant topic to bring up with his immortal lovers. When Jack was confronted with it, he pushed Ianto away and when Sebastien was he went into denial mode. "Let's just focus on being here, now. Make the most of the time we have." he had said to Ianto once when the topic came up. </p>
<p>"I am so sorry, mon amour. I know Torchwood is Torchwood but this seems like a lot lately." </p>
<p>"Sebastien my love? Can I ask you for something? It is a huge ask. I wouldn't ask if it wasn't very important to me."</p>
<p>"Ianto, of course, whatever it is, I will do it."</p>
<p>Ianto took a deep breath. He sat up. Sebastien did too so that they were on the same level.</p>
<p>"I promised to not talk too much about you and Jack to each other. And I won't. But I have to tell you. There are things that Jack and I never say to each other. I don't know if he feels them but I do. If... That is to say, when... It's just that I haven't told him that I love him. I think it would scare him away. So... I am afraid that I will die without telling him. And I know this is a terrible thing to ask you and it is unfair. But... when I die, can you please tell him that I love him?"</p>
<p>Sebastien moved a hand to Ianto's face. </p>
<p>"Of course, my love. I... I don't... I want you to live forever. But... Who knows what the universe has in store for us.  I will do this. I understand how important it is to you." </p>
<p>"I love you Sebastien." </p>
<p>Ianto leaned in and started kissing Sebastien. Sebastien moaned into Ianto's mouth. Ianto moved so that he was straddling Sebastien. </p>
<p>When they broke the kiss Sebastien put his hands on Ianto's shoulders. </p>
<p>"Lie back mon amour," his voice was like music, "I want kiss every inch of your body. I want to memorize all of you with my tongue."</p>
<p>Sebastien moved in and kissed him again. He moved his hands to cradle Ianto's back and gently lowered him back to the mattress and repositioned himself on top of Ianto.</p>
<p>Then, true to his words, he began to lavish care and attention upon Ianto. He kissed along his neck, down to his ear and bit lightly on Ianto's earlobe. Ianto moaned and arched his back, his fingers flew to Sebastien's back and dug in. </p>
<p>Sebastien whispered into Ianto's ear, "oh you like that?" He nibbled along Ianto's ear, which shouldn't have felt as good as it did. </p>
<p>"I like everything you do to me." Ianto replied, barely keeping himself together. </p>
<p>Sebastien lifted his head so they were face to face. </p>
<p>"Do you have any idea what you do to me?"</p>
<p>"No, you're not exactly demonstrative." Ianto deadpanned as he meaningfully looked down to where their swollen erections rubbed together. Sebastien laughed. </p>
<p>"Fuck, I love you, you sarcastic bastard." He said as he moved in to kiss Ianto again.</p>
<p>Then he moved down to Ianto's neck and then to his shoulders and then his chest. There he swirled his tongue around Ianto's left nipple and gently bit down whilst pinching his right between his thumb and forefinger. </p>
<p>"Fuuuuuuuuck!!!!" Ianto exclaimed as he involuntarily arched his back pushing into Sebastien more. He realized that he was gripping the top of Sebastien's shoulders so hard he was in danger of drawing blood. </p>
<p>Sebastien looked up from his nipple with a devilish look on his face. </p>
<p>"Goddamn you completely undo me." Ianto panted. "I love you so much I think my heart might burst." </p>
<p>Sebastien's grin turned impossibly tender. Sebastien put a hand on Ianto's chest where his heart was. He stroked so gently. </p>
<p>"Don't burst, my love." </p>
<p>Ianto felt a moment of incredible sadness. Someday, probably soon, he was going to have to leave this man when he died. But that morbid thought was quickly replaced with blinding lust as Sebastien resumed his kissing and was currently plunging his tongue into Ianto's belly button.</p>
<p>Ianto was very worried he'd come before Sebastien even took him in his mouth. Especially as Sebastien pressed kisses along the line of Ianto's pubic hair. Then Sebastien moved to lick the insides of Ianto's thighs. </p>
<p>"Sebastien..." Ianto moaned. "I am not going to last much longer. Please, I need to feel your mouth on me." </p>
<p>"Since you asked so nicely..."</p>
<p>Then Sebastien took Ianto's cock in his mouth. And reality seemed to tilt. The feeling of Sebastien's warm mouth, the suction, Sebastien's tongue, it all blurred together in a haze of pleasure. Too soon Ianto felt the tingling pressure and he was yelling out as a violent orgasm ripped through him. </p>
<p>Before Ianto even knew who he was again, Sebastien had raised himself up again and was thrusting himself against Ianto. Ianto parted his legs slightly and Sebastien thrust between them until he too was coming with a shout. </p>
<p>***********</p>
<p>"I think you helped her." Booker said thoughtfully as he held Ianto in his arms after they had regained bodily function and cleaned up. </p>
<p>"Tosh?"</p>
<p>"Yeah, you are there for her. I know she's gone through the wars in the last week but she has her best friend to talk to about it."</p>
<p>Booker felt suddenly so sad for Ianto. He already had lost people he deeply loved like Lisa. But once he was immortal he'd eventually lose Tosh and his sister Rhiannon, and her two little children. Could Ianto handle losing all of them?</p>
<p>At least he'd have Jack and Booker.  Booker could never begrudge Ianto his love for Jack. Not when he had spent so many years alone after Mathilde. Booker wouldn't wish that loneliness on anyone. </p>
<p>But he also worried that once Jack knew Ianto was immortal, their relationship would change. Jack would have no reason to push Ianto away anymore. Jack would never have to deal with the guilt of Ianto dying on his watch. Would there be space for Booker in Ianto's life when Jack fully let him in? </p>
<p>On some level Booker didn't care. He would gladly give up this love that had saved his life, or his soul, if it meant Ianto would live past 30. Just knowing Ianto was alive and happy would have to be enough. It would be enough. Eventually. </p>
<p>But until then, Booker tried not to think about Ianto's inevitable first death and to make the most of the time they had. </p>
<p>"I don't know Sebastien. I think she'll get through it because she's strong but it will take time. Owen has been slightly nicer to her since he died."</p>
<p>“How is that whole thing going?” </p>
<p>“Oh well, he was possessed by Death but now he’s just Owen again.  We had to prevent Death from killing 13 people.  It was a whole thing.” </p>
<p>“Ianto my love? You don’t have to do that with me.  You don’t have to pretend that any of this is normal. Hell, I’m not even normal, I’m immortal.  But, the thing with Owen coming back and Death and all that.  Ianto, that’s quite extreme.  That all takes a toll on you.  All this alien death, and pain, and all of it.”  </p>
<p>“I know my love. It… I can’t think about it too much. It’s a lot.” </p>
<p>"How are you doing?"</p>
<p>Ianto paused for a moment. Booker could tell he was trying to decide how honest to be.</p>
<p>"I've been better. But," he lifted his head off of Booker's chest, "I have definitely been worse. After Lisa died and the cannibals, I had absolutely nothing to live for. I was the lowest I have ever been in my life. But now, I have you and I have Jack, and Tosh too and I have a really strong sense of what my mission is. I am so grateful to you, you know. Thank you for coming into my life."</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thanks so much for reading! I would love to hear what you think!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0030"><h2>30. "I'm not not asking you"</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Gwen gets married, Jack is grumpy, Ianto bonds with Rhys, and Booker is thinking about the future.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This chapter is set around the edges of "Something Borrowed"</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Jack was in a cranky mood again. Ianto guessed that it had something to do with Gwen's wedding. Sometimes he wished those two would just fuck already and get it over with. Of course if they did that the whole mystique of "I want to but I can't!" would be broken and they would both lose interest. So Ianto was stuck watching them dramatically make eyes at each other and then even more dramatically look away.  </p>
<p>Ianto never begrudged Jask any of his other partners - it would have been hypocritical to do so - but something about his flirtation with Gwen grated. </p>
<p>Ianto thought about Sebastien who had left Cardiff a few days before. He missed him already, a dull but persistent ache. Missing Sebastien didn't really mitigate Ianto's jealousy of Gwen but it did give him something to think about. </p>
<p>Jack's mood improved once Gwen was impregnated by an alien zombie and the team was launched into action. And that, Ianto thought, is Torchwood in a nutshell. </p>
<p>Although Jack's mood didn't improve enough to prevent him from going on a very long rant about how marriage in general, and this one specifically, was bullshit that started in the Hub and carried on to the car enroute to the wedding. So Ianto started agreeing with everything Owen said to annoy Jack. Even as he aggravated him, Ianto knew he was helplessly in love with this ridiculous man. </p>
<p>Anyway, it had been a very Torchwood wedding, aliens, blood, a dead MC, and Jack getting into fisticuffs with Rhys and his Mom. </p>
<p>Ianto leaned against a wall watching Rhys and Gwen dance. Rhys looked at Gwen the way Sebastien looked at Ianto. Should he just leave Jack and only be with Sebastien? That just didn't seem possible. Jack had got his hooks in Ianto and he would no doubt claim half of his heart till the day Ianto died. </p>
<p>It's just that Jack's enthusiasm for everything was so exciting and infectious. He knew he was just a blip on time for Jack but he was having fun. Except when he wasn't. But what relationship was perfect?  At least Jack and Ianto were honest about their lack of monogamy. Gwen had never told Rhys about Owen. </p>
<p>"Thanks for all your help with, err..., well you know."</p>
<p>Ianto looked beside him. He had zoned out and in that time Jack had cut in on Rhys and Gwen (of course) and Rhys had come over to talk to him. </p>
<p>"No problem. It's the job." </p>
<p>"So, should we be worried about that?" Rhys gestured with his head to the couple they were both watching. </p>
<p>Well this was awkward. But also, it was very sweet that Rhys was trying to establish common ground between them. </p>
<p>"Nah, it'll never happen. They both like to flirt with the idea but your Gwen will always come home to you."</p>
<p>"I reckon he'll always come back to you eventually." </p>
<p>"Maybe he will." Ianto agreed. </p>
<p>"Gwen knows people, it's almost like she has a sixth sense, she's such a smart one, my Gwen. Well smart except for that she picked me! Don't know what she was thinking there!" Rhys laughed.</p>
<p>Ianto didn't know Rhys well enough to know if he was very drunk or just being Rhys. Or maybe both. But it was impossible to not like this jovial, if slightly goofy, man with very kind eyes. </p>
<p>"Anyway, Gwenie says that he's mad about you. Always talks about you when you're not there, gets this far away look in his eye. He's constantly saying things like, 'well, you know, Ianto would say...'"</p>
<p>Ianto repressed the urge to say this was probably because Gwen was trying to set Rhys's mind at ease about her and Jack. Drunk and happy Rhys didn't need cynicism on his wedding day.</p>
<p>"Well, you should hear her." Ianto said. "The way she stood up to Jack when he wanted to Retcon you? The soft dreamy look she gets in her eyes and the goofy smile she wears when she talks about you. That girl is well smitten with you."</p>
<p>"Awww, that's my girl!" It was killing Ianto the way Rhys was staring hearts at Gwen. </p>
<p>"Well," Ianto said as he pushed off of the wall. "Not that we need to worry, but I will get you your wife back." </p>
<p>He walked up to the dancing couple and cut in to dance with Jack. </p>
<p>He could tell that Jack and Gwen were still making eyes at each other a bit as Gwen stood with her arm around Rhys. So neither noticed the nod Ianto gave to Rhys nor the big cheery grin Rhys sent back his way. </p>
<p>"Looks like we saved the wedding." Jack said softly.</p>
<p>"With huge thanks going to Rhys. Owen took only nearly forty tries to get the singularity scalpel to work and Rhys gets it in two." </p>
<p>Jack laughed, "What happened to you being taught not to speak I'll of the dead?"</p>
<p>"More not to speak ill to the dead. He can't hear me right now so it's fine." </p>
<p>Jack laughed again. "Whatever would I do without your wisecracks." </p>
<p>They stared into each other's eyes for a moment and then Ianto thought, 'why the hell not? We're going to Retcon everyone anyway.' And he kissed Jack fully on the lips. Jack opened to them and deepened their kiss.  After they broke the kiss for air, Ianto leaned his head on Jack's shoulder.</p>
<p>What a day! Despite all the danger and misery of the past weeks, he loved his job, he loved Torchwood, and he loved Jack, for all the good it did him.</p>
<p>***************************</p>
<p>“How was the wedding?”  Sebastien’s voice crackled over the line. Apparently reception in the Mexican desert left something to be desired. Sebastien said he was leaving there in a few days.</p>
<p>Ianto had called Sebastien when he’d returned home from the wedding.  Jack had continued his moody spell and had wanted to be alone. Ianto wondered if he was standing on a building somewhere laughing at all those idiots who got married.  Or crying because he’d never have the dream of marrying someone and growing old with them. </p>
<p>“Oh you know, it was very Torchwood.” </p>
<p>“Oh dear!  That doesn’t sound good.”  </p>
<p>“Nah, it’s fine. It all worked out in the end. With a liberal dose of Retcon everyone will think the wedding was so fun that they drank so much they don’t remember a thing.”  </p>
<p>“Oh that place you work!” </p>
<p>“Ha. You know, today it was okay.  Some days it is. After all the aliens and bloodshed, the wedding was quite beautiful.  The couple is very happy, mostly.”  </p>
<p>Ianto could feel Sebastien nervously thinking about something so he wasn’t surprised that Sebastien missed the ‘mostly’.  </p>
<p>“Ianto… would you ever?  I mean… What do you think of marriage?”  </p>
<p>Ianto’s heart started beating rapidly.</p>
<p>“Are you asking me to marry you Sebastien?”  He tried to make it sound like a joke.</p>
<p>“Oh I… I’m not not asking you. You know that I am fully committed to you in that way. But also… it seems where we both are… It isn’t the right time.”  </p>
<p>“I agree with you. On both points.  I know that I want to spend the rest of my life with you, Sebastien.  As long as I am breathing, I know I will be yours. I think you know that too. But…”  </p>
<p>Ianto gulped.  He didn’t know exactly how to say this. </p>
<p>“I know you don’t like to talk about this.  But it has to be said. I am pretty much living on borrowed time already.  Tosh, Owen and I, none of us are going to make it to 40 and I’m not going to make it to 30. That’s just the way Torchwood is.  And… I don’t want you to have to grieve another spouse.”  </p>
<p>“I understand. Though I will grieve you married or not. But I do not for one second regret meeting you. I will never regret that. Even if your death is… even if my heart is ripped apart when we must part.  But I agree it just isn’t the right time.”  </p>
<p>“But if I were some boring shoe salesman in Swansea and you were you, I would. You know that right?” </p>
<p>“Of course Ianto.  But even if you were a shoe salesman, you would never be boring.” </p>
<p>Ianto wished he could hold Sebastien right then.  He tried to picture it.  Tried to feel the way Sebastien felt in his arms, the way his heartbeat sounded in Ianto’s ears. The way Ianto felt at peace when he was near Sebastien. Ianto felt his embrace returned. As if Sebastien was doing the same thing to him.</p>
<p>Sebastien sighed.  “Thank you Ianto.  I needed to feel that right now.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thanks for reading! I would love to hear what you think!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0031"><h2>31. Contemplating the inevitable</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Jack thinks about Ianto</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This chapter is set around the edges of "From Out of the Pain" my favourite episode of Torchwood.  Yet the episode barely makes it into this fic.  </p>
<p>I am very grateful to st_mick for an on-going conversation that has really been helping when I sit down to edit these chapters (the fic was written in the summer/early fall but I've been adding little things as I post each chapter).  Talking about the fic has really made it stronger, I think - thank you!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Jack put the silver flask away in the safe. </p>
<p>"Right. I should go file my report." Ianto said as he went to leave.</p>
<p>"Wait, Jones. Don't leave." </p>
<p>He turned and raised a questioning eyebrow at Jack. </p>
<p>"Come here, have a sit." </p>
<p>Ianto complied. Jack sat in the chair facing him.</p>
<p>"How are you? Are you... I don't want you to feel responsible for the people that the Night Travelers murdered." </p>
<p>"But Jack! If I'd just been faster... If I hadn't let him knock the flask out of my hand... I could have... Jonathan's parents would have still been alive." He put his head in his hands. </p>
<p>"Hey!" Jack had pulled his chair up to Ianto's. He put his hands on Ianto's shoulders. And then moved one hand to cup his chin and bring his head up to face Jack.  Ianto looked up at him. "You saved one life. That's incredible. There are days when there are no survivors. Days when one of us dies. That didn't happen. That little boy is breathing because of you!" </p>
<p>"But..." There were tears in Ianto's eyes. </p>
<p>"You did your best. And we stopped them. They won't hunt again." </p>
<p>Ianto nodded. Jack gave him a soft look and gently wiped a year from Ianto's cheek. </p>
<p>"You have such beautiful eyes, I hate to see them so clouded with pain." </p>
<p>Ianto looked at Jack. </p>
<p>"You don't have to flatter me to make me feel better. But of course, I would never say no to flattery." </p>
<p>Jack's eyes twinkled. "Hmmm, well... You already know how much I like your suits, and your ass, and your ass in those suits. But... I am glad you are out in the field more this year. You're really good at it. My god you are a badass motherfucker when you want to be.  I... Sometimes I think I should keep you in the Archives, to keep you safe, but we need you. Especially with Owen being partially out of commission. And... Fuck this is hard to say.... I need you too." </p>
<p>Now the tears in Ianto's eyes were happy ones.</p>
<p>"Jack?" </p>
<p>“I mean it.” </p>
<p>Jack kissed Ianto with a force he wasn't expecting. Somehow they ended up on the floor. Jack managed to get both of their pants open and cocks out in a matter of seconds. He had both of them in his hands and pumped up and down in a way banished every single thought from Ianto's head. </p>
<p>And then he nearly screamed as he came. He had no idea how Jack could make such a simple act feel so devastatingly good. </p>
<p>Ianto's euphoria lasted several minutes till he started thinking about the mess and his suit. </p>
<p>"I should... Clean this up." Ianto said, attempting to sit up. </p>
<p>"No, no, let me handle it. Just take it all off and go to my bed. I'll join you after I get the stains out." </p>
<p>Jack seemed not even winded. He held a hand up to pull Ianto up. Ianto gave him a dubious look as he stepped out of his pants,  shrugged off his jacket, and started to unbutton his vest.</p>
<p>"What? If you don't think I know 17 different ways to get semen out of every single fabric invented then I perhaps haven't been clear enough about my sexual history." </p>
<p>Ianto laughed. "Alright then." </p>
<p>He undressed and climbed into Jack’s bed.  As he snuggled in he tried to send thoughts that he was feeling much better now to Sebastien. He had felt his lover’s concern about his misery.  </p>
<p>**************************</p>
<p>Ianto was sleeping calmly now.  Jack looked down at the sleeping man in his arms.  His face looked relaxed and almost perhaps peaceful. Jack thought sadly that the only times he saw Ianto’s features look harmonious was when he was asleep.  And sometimes not even then.  </p>
<p>He had trouble putting into words what he felt for this man.  He barely understood it himself. He had been in love before (not that he found it easy to say then either) but that had been different from what he felt for this man. To be sure he loved Ianto.  Loved him so much it was terrifying.  Because he knew he wouldn't be able to keep him.  But somehow it was even more than that.</p>
<p>Ianto was so ingenious, so smart.  But so emotional as well. He was so aware of his feelings and so honest and open.  Jack knew he was drawn to him because he has so many qualities Jack would never have. </p>
<p>And he truly did not care that Jack wasn’t faithful.  He hadn’t ever met a 21st century person who had such a 51st century view of monogamy before. Ianto just had so much love in his heart that he was capable of loving Jack and loving Booker in equal measure. And he understood that Jack had needs too. </p>
<p>Ianto made everything so easy for Jack. He was always there, always helping.  He made Jack laugh more than anyone else he knew.</p>
<p>But it was more than that.</p>
<p>He thought of Christina the old woman’s words that afternoon when they visited her at Providence Park. “It means you don’t belong. It means you’re from nowhere.”  </p>
<p>He knew this wasn’t completely true, of course.  He was from somewhere, try as he might to repress his memories of Boeshane.  But since the Vortex energy brought him back he always felt that he didn’t belong, that he was too different from those around him. That he was wrong, like the Doctor said.  </p>
<p>That was until he saw himself reflected in Ianto’s eyes.  Ianto loved him so deeply, so unreservedly, so passionately.  He saw a different and better person when he saw himself in Ianto’s eyes.  He didn’t know if he could ever be that person.  But Ianto believed he could. Ianto made him feel like he belonged.  Like he was home.  Like having a home was possible.   </p>
<p>The familiar stab of guilt hit Jack.  He knew he should treat Ianto better. He knew he should talk to him more and show him how he felt. He knew he shouldn’t push him away.  He knew he should be more open hearted and demonstrative to Ianto like Booker was.  But he couldn’t.  He froze, he was gripped with a terrible fear that was also a terrible certainty. Ianto wasn’t his forever. Ianto wasn’t even Booker’s forever. They both just had him for a short while.  And then he would be gone.  Just a memory. Just a huge Ianto-shaped hole that would rip Jack’s heart apart if he let it. </p>
<p>He thought if he pushed Ianto away that that space that Ianto had unknowingly carved into his heart, that little cave that Ianto had metaphorically crawled in and stayed, that maybe it would close up again. Maybe a scar would form. He’d still feel it at times but it wouldn’t make living excruciating. If Ianto hated him maybe he could start to forget how he felt.  And if he forgot. Then maybe it wouldn’t rip him apart when Ianto died.  Maybe he could survive it and go on, meet other people, love other people,  pretend that life was actually worth living once the best person was gone.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thanks for reading!!  I would love to hear what you think!  (the words Jack remembers Christina saying are a direct quote from the episode).</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0032"><h2>32. Tension</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Ianto's nervous and Booker is stressed.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This chapter is set around the edges of "Adrift".</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"I'll talk to him." Ianto said gently to Gwen. </p><p>He followed Jack to the hallway.</p><p>"Jack..." </p><p>Jack spun around on his heel. "No." He said forcefully. </p><p>"She's really smart, she's a good cop, she's going to figure it out." </p><p>"She'll want to interfere, to help them, which, she won't be able to do. So then she'll be all sad and I'll have to deal with that." </p><p>"I rather think Rhys will have to deal with that." </p><p>"Probably. But it doesn't matter. She won't understand, she'll do something stupid and it will be a whole other mess to clean up. It's too much, too complicated." </p><p>"Jack you took me there on a date!"</p><p>"That was about showing you that I trusted you! Don't you dare hold that against me!" </p><p>"And I showed you how appreciative I was - SEVERAL TIMES - before we left the island."</p><p>At this Jack smiled his devilish grin. "Oh I remember that. Your appreciation skills are top notch." </p><p>"My point is that you told me and the world didn't end. Why not tell Gwen?" </p><p>"Well at this point I'm seriously wondering why I told you. You're being very annoying about it." </p><p>"You take that back, Jack."</p><p>"Ianto, as turned on as I get by the glint in those beautiful blue eyes of yours when you're mad, this conversation is over."</p><p> </p><p>*********************<br/>
Ianto was working on the update of the archival software. It was pretty much doing its thing and Ianto didn't strictly speaking need to watch it but he didn't want to be up in the main part of the Hub. </p><p>Seeing the hospital at Flat Holm was one of Ianto's most cherished memories of his relationship with Jack as ghoulish as that sounded. Jack was never going to be good at talking about his feelings but letting Ianto in on a secret he kept from the rest of Torchwood meant more to Ianto than words.</p><p>Jack held all of his many secrets close to his chest. Each time he revealed one it made Ianto feel special. Like he wasn't just a casual shag to Jack. Ianto kept and protected each of those secrets like they were diamonds. </p><p>And that was why he was hiding in the archives. He was a traitor now. The pda sitting in an envelope on Gwen's desk had the potential to rip a hole in his very fragile relationship with Jack. This could end all of the slowly revealed secrets, secrets which once uttered by Jack piece by piece connected Ianto to Jack. When Jack figured out who helped Gwen, Ianto feared he'd never trust Ianto with another secret again.</p><p>But Ianto didn't care. Jack was wrong about this. Gwen was not going to stop till she figured it out and they needed her full attention on other things.</p><p>The comms unit in the archives buzzed. </p><p>"Jones, my office, now." </p><p>Ianto sighed, he might as well enjoy things until Jack figured it out. Jack usually only called him by his last name when he was calling him up to his office for sex. </p><p>"Coming sir." He said into the comms unit. </p><p>"Oh you will be!" Jack had laughter in his voice.</p><p>Ianto was vaguely surprised that Jack still had his clothes on when he got to the office. </p><p>"Hey," Jack got up from his desk as Ianto entered. "I didn't mean it, you know." </p><p>Ianto raised an eyebrow in question as Jack reached him. </p><p>"About Flat Holm. I am..." Jack looked down awkwardly and rearranged Ianto's tie a bit.<br/>
When he looked up he had that earnest look on his face that never failed to wrong foot Ianto. "I don't regret telling you about it. I like... It is good to have someone to tell those things to." </p><p>Ianto felt a pang of guilt. He hoped Jack would think it was modesty. </p><p>"Thank you Jack. I... Well... Yes. Yes, thank you."</p><p>Jack moved his hand to cup Ianto's cheek again. "We're alone in the Hub, except for Myfanwy, what would you say to a game of naked hide and seek? Winner gets to top?"</p><p>"Depends, are you going to cheat again?" </p><p>"Me?? Cheat?? Never!"</p><p>Ianto rolled his eyes and leaned in to kiss Jack. </p><p>******************<br/>
Booker was trying to work out the programming for a software to trawl the net for information on the job they had coming up but it kept failing.  </p><p>“Goddamn it!!”  He was ready to throw his laptop out into the sea.</p><p>“Someone’s testy today.”  Nicky snarked.  </p><p>Booker glared at him.  Joe glared at Booker for glaring at Nicky.  </p><p>“What’s up with you today?  You’ve been plunking away at that programming that you can normally do in ten minutes, and you’ve been biting everyone’s heads off most of the afternoon.”  Joe looked concerned.  </p><p>“Ugh, nothing.  I’m fine.  I’m just stressed.” </p><p>“Hmm, do you mean Ianto is stressed?” Nicky suggested.</p><p>Booker grimaced.  It was true.  Ianto’s moods had been up and down of late and right now he was incredibly nervous about something.  No doubt it was a Jack thing. Ianto being stressed about work felt different.  </p><p>“No.  It’s all me.”  Booker lied.  </p><p>“Honestly my brother I do not understand how you can do this.”  Joe said softly.  “I could not share my beloved Nicky with another man. It would drive me wild with jealousy.  I would never sleep.  I would waste away and die of a broken heart only to be revived to die anew. I could not bear it.”  </p><p>“Incurable romantic.” Nicky sighed.</p><p>“Or fucked up and codependent.” Booker seethed. </p><p>Joe narrowed his eyes at Booker.  “Yet everyday the man you love is in the arms of another.  A charming and very good looking other. That doesn’t bother you?” </p><p>“Not at all. It’s great.  I’m glad he’s happy and getting lots of great sex all the time.” </p><p>Joe and Nicky looked at him like they were not at all buying it.  </p><p>“Look, we’re not having this conversation.  It’s fine. I’m fine.  He’s fine!  Everyone is just fucking fine.  Now leave me alone before I throw this computer at your head.”  </p><p>Joe glared at him as he and Nicky scurried out of the room. </p><p>Booker sat - somewhat deflated now - with his head in his hands.  </p><p>******************************</p><p>"Ianto!!!" </p><p>Jack was yelling as he came through the rolling door. Jack had been at Flat Holm this afternoon and Jack was clearly angry. That could only mean one thing. Gwen had been there. </p><p>"Well," Ianto thought to himself, "it was a great job whilst it lasted. I wonder if the Cardiff Museum is hiring?"</p><p>"In the kitchen," Ianto called back. Maybe the coffee he was making would partially mollify Jack. Or at least maybe prevent him from throwing Ianto out on his ass immediately. It would be nice to be able to clear out his desk. "Coffee is just about ready." </p><p>Jack appeared in the doorway. </p><p>"Never could resist your coffee!" </p><p>Ianto nodded, trying not to let the worry on his face show. </p><p>"So... You will never guess who I ran into on my trip to Flat Holm today." </p><p>The coffee maker beeped and Ianto turned around to pour Jack a cup. Jack didn't say anything so he turned and handed Jack the cup. </p><p>Jack gave him a look. </p><p>"Thank you Ianto. You really do make the best coffee in the universe." </p><p>"Thanks, sir."</p><p>Jack sipped the coffee and made what Ianto called his "sexandcoffee face". </p><p>"Right, so tell me why you did it. What made you think you know better than me how to run this place? I would like to understand."</p><p>Ianto gulped, trying his hardest to control his face. Well, here went his job and his relationship. Ianto spoke to his shoes. </p><p>"I thought you were wrong. Wrong to shut her out.  Gwen is tenacious. There is no way she would stop digging. If I didn't give her answers she might go to the wrong person for them. She might bring more trouble on our heads. She might undo some of the very hard work I have put into keeping our secrets. I did know that if she saw Flat Holm she would blunder in and do something stupid like demand to reunite that boy with his mother which is going to end badly. But we have Retcon and that's how Gwen learns. She makes stupid mistakes. But she only ever makes them once. Flat Holm is easy and containable. Pretty low stakes. I would rather she cocks that up then something worse." </p><p>Ianto became aware he hadn't been breathing so he gulped for air.</p><p>"Finally, I wanted you to get some credit. You do a lot of work around here that no one sees. Sure you're flashy and brash and literally hit on everything that has language to consent. But no one sees how modest you really are. You hide all the most important, most compassionate things you do. I just wanted her to see that. Which doesn't benefit me, by the way, because now she's probably even more in love with you than she was before." </p><p>He finally looked up at Jack. Jack was looking at him in surprise. </p><p>"I am sorry that I went behind your back. That I betrayed the secret you trusted me with. I will.... It was nice whilst it lasted. I am sorry for ruining everything." </p><p>Ianto felt a sob coming on. He couldn't cry in front of Jack about this. He had to get out of here. He turned and went to leave the break room. </p><p>"Ianto..." Jack's voice was soft and silky. Ianto felt Jack's hand on his arm. </p><p>He turned and Jack pulled him into an embrace.</p><p>"Oh Ianto... You're so brilliant." </p><p>He leaned back and held Ianto's face in his hands. </p><p>"It takes guts to stand up to your boss when he's wrong, especially if you're also sleeping with him. Everything you said is true. I was being obstinate and not thinking. I'm sorry for scaring you Ianto. But there is no way I am going to cast you off. I know I’m in for some pain when I lose you but I can’t just push you away. Not as my employee or as my lover. You keep me honest. You keep me grounded." </p><p>Jack pulled Ianto to him and kissed him hard.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thanks so much for reading!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0033"><h2>33. Doubts</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Ianto and Booker each talk to their best friends.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This chapter is set around the edges of "Fragments".</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Ianto was just starting the coffee when Tosh came into the kitchen in the Hub.</p><p>"You're early?" He noticed with concern that she looked a bit tired. The past few weeks had been hard on all of them but probably hardest on Tosh. </p><p>He recognized in Tosh the same drive that he had to not complain and just keep going. But he worried this meant his best friend didn't deal with her trauma. Maybe the next time they went to the roof for lunch or tea he could get her to open up. </p><p>Her birthday was coming up in July, Ianto had already started thinking about a gift and he thought maybe a spa weekend would be good for her, if she ever had time to take it.</p><p>“I’ve got an itchy feeling.  I think something is up with the Rift today. I thought I would come in early and get ready in case we have to run off somewhere.  Did you stay over last night?”  </p><p>“Yeah.”  </p><p>“Ianto… you’ve just looked really sad and stressed lately.  Do you want to talk about it?  We’ve got time before we’re supposed to start work.”  </p><p>Ianto sighed, so much for getting Tosh to talk, but maybe if he opened up, she would.  </p><p>“I don’t know T. I just think I’m doing everything wrong. I can feel him trying to hide it but I know Sebastien is frustrated.  Jack’s just always so hot and cold and I then I’m stressed and constantly worrying.  But Sebastien can feel that.  And he’s worried about me.  But… I’m also worried he’s annoyed at me for putting up with Jack. And I don’t want to talk to them about the other really.  I would not ever complain about Jack to Sebastien.  But it’s the psychic link - he feels all things I would normally just push down and hide.”  </p><p>Tosh considered for a moment.  “I think, given the way you are, that it is a good thing that you are psychically linked. Booker really loves you. It’s so obvious just to look at the way he is around you.  I think Jack does too.  He’s just got all those immortal trauma issues.  I do get frustrated seeing you try so hard with Jack and him pushing you away.  But… I mean, have you talked to Booker about this?  I know you can’t really talk to Jack but Booker strikes me as more able to talk about his feelings.”  </p><p>“I haven’t had the time…”  Tosh gave him a look.  “Okay I haven’t had the courage to bring it up.” </p><p>“Ianto, you know, a very wise Welshman gave me advice about just speaking plainly to the guy I liked.  It sort of worked… and then it didn’t… and then he died… and came back to life.  But my point is, Booker loves you and he’s in touch with his feelings.  If this is bothering you, I guarantee it’s bothering him.  You need to talk to him about it.  You two, your bond is so strong. You can work it out if you are both honest with each other. But if you just ignore it, things won’t get better.”  </p><p>“You know, T?  You missed your calling.  You should have been a therapist.  You always help me get things into perspective.”  </p><p>Tosh smiled happily at Ianto.</p><p>“But T, do you want to talk about what’s  going on with you?  You look really stressed.  Is there anything I can do to help?” </p><p>“Oh Y, it’s okay, it’s just…”  </p><p>But before Tosh could finish her sentence the Rift alarm went off.  They both rushed to Tosh’s workstation to see what was going on.</p><p>************************</p><p>Booker looked out at the French Riviera from the window of their safe house. It wasn't as gorgeous as the Malta safe house but it was better than the one near Paris. </p><p>“You’re looking sad these days.”  Andy had joined him on the balcony. “And fighting with Joe and Nicky?  What’s up?”  </p><p>Booker sighed.  “I will apologize to them. You know how we set each other off sometimes. I don’t know.  I guess I miss Ianto. But also….”  He realized that Andy was not the best person to have this conversation with but she was the only one he trusted enough to have it. He didn’t want to raise the topic with Joe and Nicky after yesterday’s argument. </p><p>“I don’t know how long this relationship is going to last.” </p><p>“Oh Book.  I thought things were going well?”  </p><p>“I mean, they are but… It’s not that I’m jealous of Jack - or maybe I am a little - or not jealous but frustrated?  I don’t mind Ianto having another partner.  I’m not jealous that he has another boyfriend. It’s just Jack. With this psychic connection, you know?  I just feel all the ups and downs of it.  Jack is constantly blowing hot and cold on Ianto. So I feel him being happy and sad and happy again in one day, in one hour.  Yesterday he went from thinking Jack was going to break up with him to being all happy again.  And he just puts up with it?  I don’t really understand it. Andy, am I a terrible person because if Ianto treated me like that I would be out of there?”</p><p>“Would you?”  </p><p>“Well…” He thought of Ianto’s blue eyes and his quick wit and the way he felt in Booker’s arms. “No you’re right I wouldn’t. But I am just losing patience with Jack.  I completely understand why he’s acting like that.  I get the fears.  But how does he not see how stupid it is to hold Ianto at arm’s length?  If Ianto was mortal…”</p><p>“You don’t know if he’s not…” </p><p>“IF he was mortal.  When he dies, Jack’s just going to have more regrets for causing Ianto pain.  I just can’t handle how much of an idiot Jack is being.”</p><p>“I’m never going to argue against Jack being an idiot.  I don’t think you’re a bad person to be mad that someone is hurting a person you love very much.”  </p><p>“And I know it’s not a contest.  But Jack’s going to win, you know?  Once Ianto realizes that he’s immortal…”</p><p>“Book, I know, you’ve said.  You’re making a lot of assumptions there.  The biggest one is that Ianto is immortal but we’ll leave that.  Maybe Jack will change how he is? But why do you assume that Ianto will leave you if he does? You’re not giving Ianto very much credit.”  </p><p>“I guess…”  Booker said doubtfully. </p><p>“You’ve been nothing but a fucking saint to that man, why would he throw you over because Captain Fucksalot fully commits to him?”</p><p>“Because what if he’s only with me because he can’t get what he wants - emotionally - from Jack?”  </p><p>“Do you really think that little of the man you love?”  Andy said incredulously. </p><p>“No, I think that little of myself Andy! What am I if I’m not the better boyfriend?”  </p><p>“Oh Booker.”</p><p>“Seriously, and it’s also… Like I’m the fuck up.  I’m always messing stuff up with you guys.  I make mistakes all the time. Being a great partner is the thing I don’t mess up.  But I’m not doing that because I’m annoyed at the man I love more deeply than I’ve ever loved anyone for allowing himself to be treated badly.  I, of all people, should be compassionate with Ianto. I feel how much he loves Jack.  I shouldn’t wish sometimes he would just leave him.  I thought I could do this poly thing.  And I’m so happy when Ianto is happy.  When things are going well, I love it. I do not care if he goes to an orgy and fucks everyone in the place. But when Jack makes him so sad I just want to start blowing things up. I just can’t take what Jack puts him through.”<br/>
“You are allowed to be mad at your partner’s partner for being an asshole. That doesn’t make you bad at poly - it just makes you a good boyfriend.  But Book, you can’t make him leave Jack.  You know that and that’s why you’re trying so hard to hide how you feel about Jack and what Jack is doing to him. But maybe you need to talk to him about this?”  </p><p>Before Booker could answer her he cried out and dropped to the ground. </p><p>“Oh no!  There’s been an explosion.  Ianto’s conscious but he’s trapped!”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thanks for reading!  I would love to hear what you think.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0034"><h2>34. Not an exit</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Ianto takes care of Jack, Booker takes care of Tosh.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This is set around the edges of "Exit Wounds".</p>
<p>The next few chapters are not related to any Torchwood episodes.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>In Booker's dream there was a woman, she had been shot in the abdomen and was bleeding out. Something about her clothes was familiar. She raised her head and the curtain of black hair fell away. It was Tosh. </p>
<p>Booker bolted awake as the others did. </p>
<p>"Japanese female, early 30s, white tile background." Andy yelled. </p>
<p>"Drawing her now." Joe called. </p>
<p>Booker stood up. "Her name is Toshiko Sato." </p>
<p>They all looked up at him. </p>
<p>"She's Torchwood. And she is, was, Ianto's best friend." </p>
<p>Even if he didn't have the psychic connection with Ianto he would have been able to feel his pain. He knew how much Tosh meant to Ianto. But the pain Booker felt from Ianto was immense, uncontrollable. Booker tried to send him comfort. </p>
<p>"Fuuuuuuuuck." Andy said.</p>
<p>"We have to get her out!" Nicky said. "We can't have them experimenting on her!"</p>
<p>"I agree." Andy said as she picked up her phone. "I'm going to get a private plane to fly to Wales. </p>
<p>"Look, Torchwood Three is different." Booker said. "They don't do that to things they don't understand. Besides, she's one of them."</p>
<p>"We'll get her out and then see what she says." Andy said.</p>
<p>Booker's phone pinged. It was a text from Ianto. </p>
<p>"I need you."</p>
<p>"Right. When's that plane coming." </p>
<p>*****************************</p>
<p>"I can't stay here tonight." </p>
<p>Jack looked grim. Ianto's heart broke for him. Ianto's heart was broken anyway. But he tried to push his pain down, Jack's pain was worse. But at least he was talking and not running off to an orgy. </p>
<p>"Come to my place." Ianto pulled Jack into his arms. "Let me take care of you." </p>
<p>Jack held on to Ianto like he was drowning. Ianto managed to get Jack into his car, navigate through the broken streets, and then into his apartment. Once inside Jack just stood there. Dust and grime still caked his hair, face, and clothes.</p>
<p>"It's all my fault. I dropped his hand and now Tosh and Owen and so many people are dead. I killed them." Jack said listlessly. </p>
<p>"No," Ianto said, slipping Jack's coat off. "You were a child and he was a child. The aliens that tortured Gray did this." </p>
<p>He led Jack to the bathroom. Just outside he gently helped Jack out of all of his clothes. Jack just stood there not even watching as Ianto took his clothes off. </p>
<p>"Come, a hot shower will do you good." </p>
<p>Once Ianto had the water just right, he pulled Jack in with him. Jack groaned and let Ianto wash him. He was slightly less catatonic in the shower. When Ianto gave him soap he scrubbed Ianto's back. After they were both clean his arms slid around Ianto and he leaned his head on the back of his shoulder.</p>
<p>They stayed like that for awhile. Ianto tried not to think, to just feel the hot water hitting his face and body and Jack's warmth against his back. It felt nice. </p>
<p>But then Ianto went back into care-taker mode. The hot water would soon run out and their skin was starting to prune. </p>
<p>He turned off the water, dried both of them off.  He stopped to retrieve his phone and steered Jack towards his bed. They collapsed onto the bed and Ianto spooned Jack protectively.</p>
<p>"I destroy everything and everyone."</p>
<p>"We all know the risks Jack. You save people too. Remember what you told me? Even one life saved makes it worth it."</p>
<p>"But I can't save the lives of my team. Ianto who is going to hold me and comfort me after I have caused your death?" </p>
<p>Ianto curled around Jack even tighter. </p>
<p>"We can't think about that now. Just let me hold you now." </p>
<p>Jack gripped Ianto's hand. </p>
<p>Ianto whispered affirmations into Jack's ear and eventually he felt Jack relax. Only then did he give in to his exhaustion. </p>
<p>Ianto slept for a few hours and then he woke up feeling restless. His phone had pinged a few minutes before, that must have been what woke him.</p>
<p>"My love, I have a flight. I can be to you by tomorrow night, maybe sooner. Are you ok? Are you at the Hub with Jack or are you alone?"</p>
<p>"Jack is with me at my apartment. We're going to stay here for awhile. Can't face the Hub. I'm just numb."</p>
<p>"My love, I have no words. I will be there as soon as I can. I love you."</p>
<p>"I love you."</p>
<p>"Are you texting with your French fancy man?"</p>
<p>Ianto hadn't realized that Jack was awake. </p>
<p>"I've told you a hundred times, he's Belgian."</p>
<p>"Same difference. Are you ever going to let me watch? Or maybe join in?"</p>
<p>"Gross, Jack."</p>
<p>"Ianto! Sex between men is not gross, it's natural and beautiful. How dare you?"</p>
<p>Ianto rolled his eyes. He was glad that Jack was out of the self recrimination phase.</p>
<p>"Are you sure?" Ianto dead panned. "I think I need more evidence that it is beautiful." </p>
<p>Jack smiled and leaned in towards Ianto.</p>
<p>******************************</p>
<p>"Well? Do we have to deal with them?" Andy demanded as they stood by the entrance to the tourist office by the harbor.</p>
<p>Booker looked up from his phone. "No, Jack is still at Ianto's. They all took a few days off. I hate you for making me lie to him."</p>
<p>"We need to get Tosh out. They have her in the morgue, she's been there now for two days.  She might stay there forever, waking up, suffocating, waking up. You know I can't let that happen to another one of us." </p>
<p>Booker thought of Quynh and shivered. </p>
<p>"But why can't we just tell…" Andy glared at him. "Fine. I think I can disable the security system remotely." He was taping entering commands on his laptop. "Do you have the chocolate for Myfanwy?"</p>
<p>"Yes."</p>
<p>"Ok, the password was reset a few weeks ago... Hmmmm, ok good, it was Ianto who set it." He thought for a moment. Then he typed "Sebastien 007" in. </p>
<p>"Bingo! You sweet sweet Bond obsessed man, Ianto Jones." </p>
<p>"Alright, we're in." Andy pulled out her phone and dialed.  "Joe and Nicky, are you ready with the van?"</p>
<p>"Yes boss!!"</p>
<p>Andy jimmied the lock on the tourist office and they were in. Booker fiddled with the security console and opened the doors. When they got to the Hub proper Andy went to take care of Myfanwy and Booker headed to the morgue. </p>
<p>He had done all this research on the Torchwood Three Hub because he thought it would be Ianto that he was rescuing from the morgue. He didn't want to think of the implications of Tosh being immortal. Immortals tended to appear years and years apart. Except, of course, Joe and Nicky. He clung to that. </p>
<p>He found Tosh's door in the crypt easily. He could hear a muffled banging which ominously stopped before he could get the door open. He pulled the door open and there was Tosh's lifeless body. He cursed his slowness as he pulled her small body into his arms. </p>
<p>It must have killed Ianto to watch her die. And then to spend so much time comforting Jack.  His heart broke for his Welshman. And it killed him that he would have to keep Tosh's immortality from Ianto. But Andy he couldn't go against Andy's wishes. </p>
<p>He met Andy at the lift. </p>
<p>"She was alive when I got to the crypt, but I couldn't get it open in time." </p>
<p>"Fuck! Can you wipe the security footage remotely?  We have to get out of here!"</p>
<p>“Yeah, no problem.”  </p>
<p>They hurried on to the lift. Joe had backed the van right up to the perception filter. They carried Tosh gently into the van and sped away. </p>
<p>******************</p>
<p>Tosh didn't come back to life until a few hours later. They had tucked her into the bed in the hotel room. </p>
<p>She gasped awake and Booker ran to her side. </p>
<p>"Tosh! Are you ok?" He said. </p>
<p>She looked around, confused. "But I... And you're here? Booker, am I immortal? I kept waking up in there." </p>
<p>It hit her harder than she expected. She couldn't think about how horrible it had been to be in the coffin. What if she had stayed there for years? And anyway, how was she immortal? She didn't want that.  Jack hated being immortal. She saw how much pain he lived through. Could she stand that?  And now she could never see her Mother again. Owen was dead, she would have to watch Ianto die. Oh god, poor Ianto. He would be devastated. And Jack would be so full of guilt. Tosh suddenly realized that she couldn't do this. </p>
<p>"Yes, you died and now you're one of us. We don't know how it happens. It just does." </p>
<p>"Booker, I can't do this. I just can't. I can't bear it. Outliving everyone. And Owen? He's still dead right?" </p>
<p>"I'm sorry. He is." </p>
<p>And something just snapped in her brain. She just couldn't do it anymore. She lay down again. It felt really good to look at the ceiling. She could tell there were people around her. Booker's other friends. They were trying to talk to her. Trying to comfort her. But the ceiling. The ceiling had little speckles and a stain in the corner. She wasn't sure how long she studied the ceiling for. But eventually she got really tired. She curled up and went to sleep.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thanks for reading!  You all knew I couldn't bear to (permanently) kill Tosh, right?  </p>
<p>I would love to hear what you think!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0035"><h2>35. Misunderstandings</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Ianto is grieving, Booker feels guilty, Jack is drunk, and Tosh is trying to heal.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This is part one of the interlude before the "Stolen Earth / Journey's End" chapter.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Booker knocked on the door and wasn’t quite sure what to expect. </p>
<p>It opened quickly and a red eyed Ianto pulled him in and wrapped his arms around Booker. He gripped Booker so tightly that he would have bruised if he was able to.  </p>
<p>"Mon amour, I'm so sorry." </p>
<p>Booker led them to the couch and sat them down. Ianto collapsed onto Booker's chest in a fit of sobs. </p>
<p>"Let it out, let it all out." Booker cooed as he rubbed Ianto's back. </p>
<p>Booker had never hated himself more than that moment. He wanted to tell Ianto that Tosh was alive. But Andy and even Tosh herself had forbade it. </p>
<p>Booker had given Tosh a goodbye hug as Andy and Joe were loading her on the plane. </p>
<p>"Don't tell him." Tosh whispered feebly in his ear. The first thing she'd said since he confirmed that Owen was dead. "I will come find him when... but I can't... If he sees me like this, he'll drop everything and come to help. Jack needs him more. I just can’t… I can’t be around all of it… I need to be away. And if they know I'm alive they will want me to come back." </p>
<p>He didn’t think she was right but he had promised. His gut clenched. He didn’t know what he could do to make this right. He hated keeping secrets from Ianto and now he was keeping two.</p>
<p>Ianto didn’t deserve to be lied to. He had only ever brought Booker joy. Booker hated to see Jack treat him badly but no he was no worse.  He truly did not deserve the passionate and steadfast love that Ianto gave him.</p>
<p>Eventually Ianto had cried all the tears he had. But he didn't let go of Booker. </p>
<p>"At least I told her she was my best friend." His voice was small. “I'm glad I let her know." </p>
<p>"Yes, she knows." </p>
<p>He gently stroked a hand through Ianto’s hair.</p>
<p>"She was always there for me. When Jack was gone, she completely took care of me." </p>
<p>Booker felt his heart being ripped apart. Would Ianto forgive him for letting him think Tosh was dead? He was angry at himself.  Because of the promise he made to Tosh he would either have to betray her or hurt Ianto. </p>
<p>He just held Ianto and didn't say anything.</p>
<p>*****************</p>
<p>At some point Ianto and Sebastien had fallen asleep on the couch. Ianto had barely slept in the last week and being with Sebastien had finally given him the calm he needed to actually sleep. </p>
<p>It took him a few moments to realize what had woke him was the banging on his door that was still continuing. </p>
<p>Sebastien was also awake and was instantly in a defensive stance. Ianto thought sadly this must have come from years of experience of waking up in dangerous situations. </p>
<p>"Who?"</p>
<p>Ianto groaned. "It's probably Jack. And he's probably drunk." </p>
<p>Ianto went to the door and looked at the peephole and as he suspected, a very drunk Jack was swaying in front of the door.</p>
<p>He quickly opened the door and pulled Jack in. </p>
<p>"Yaaaaaan... I missed you!" Jack collapsed into his arms smelling like a distillery. </p>
<p>"Sure, sir. Let's get you to the living room." </p>
<p>Sebastien was standing awkwardly by the bookcase.</p>
<p>"Do you need help?" </p>
<p>"Can you get me a jug of water and a glass?" </p>
<p>Sebastien rushed to the kitchen.</p>
<p>"He's cute!!!" Jack slurred as Ianto deposited him on the love seat. "Can we do a threesome?"</p>
<p>Ianto rolled his eyes. "Jack, I doubt even you could get it up with this much alcohol in your system." </p>
<p>"What if you both just hold me?" </p>
<p>Fuck! Jack would never be this vulnerable sober. It broke Ianto's heart. </p>
<p>Sebastien came back with the water and handed Ianto a glass. </p>
<p>"Ok, Jack, you need to drink this." </p>
<p>Jack proceeded to drink the entire jug of water plus two more. It did not appear to make him any less drunk but hopefully it would help his hangover. </p>
<p>"Jack are you ok?" Ianto asked, kneeling in front of him. Sebastien stood by the wall. Ianto cringed for him. This must be so awkward. He had been feeling conflicted feelings from Sebastien all night. Perhaps he couldn’t bear to be in the same room with Jack.</p>
<p>Jack gave him a look. </p>
<p>"I missed you." He said almost petulantly. </p>
<p>"I saw you a few hours ago, Jack." </p>
<p>"I don't know what's wrong with me? I like orgies. Orgies are fun. But... I just didn't want to be there. It wasn't... I wanted to see you. Sorry, Booker. I know this is your time." </p>
<p>Sebastien shrugged awkwardly. </p>
<p>"Ok," Ianto said gently, "you're really drunk. I think now you need to get some sleep. You can sleep in my bed. But I am going to stay out here with Sebastien because he came all this way to see me. We'll talk in the morning." </p>
<p>Ianto stood up and held his hand out to Jack and pulled him up. Jack wrapped his arms around Ianto's neck and laid his head on his chest. Ianto mouthed "ten minutes" to Sebastien who mouthed "take your time" back.</p>
<p>Jack was surprisingly compliant as Ianto stripped him to his underwear. </p>
<p>"I like when you undress me." He said dreamily. </p>
<p>"I like you when you're goofy drunk." Ianto replied. </p>
<p>He settled Jack into the bed. </p>
<p>"I'll bring you more water, ok?"</p>
<p>"I don't deserve you. Why do you stay?" Jack slurred.</p>
<p>"You know why Jack." </p>
<p>"Don't! Don't know why. Wait... 50??? 52nd? No, 51st Century pheromones!!?" </p>
<p>"No Jack." </p>
<p>Ianto went to get the jug and a glass. Sebastien was reading on the love seat. </p>
<p>"Just a few more minutes."</p>
<p>"It's ok, Ianto. Take your time."</p>
<p>He hurried in with the jug and glass. </p>
<p>"Drink some more water." He said. </p>
<p>He moved to stand up but Jack grabbed his arm. </p>
<p>"Is it cuz you have feelings for me?" </p>
<p>Ianto blushed and sat on the bed. Jack was so drunk that he would never remember.</p>
<p>"You know I do, Jack." </p>
<p>"Ianto, I'm sorry I'm not better."</p>
<p>He kissed Jack on the forehead. "We'll talk in the morning." </p>
<p>"When you are more sober and less honest." He thought in his head.</p>
<p>"I'm so sorry." Ianto said as he sunk down on the loveseat. "He's extremely fucked up right now. Emotionally, I mean. I wasn't referring to his blood alcohol level. Although..." </p>
<p>"Hey, my love, turn around." </p>
<p>Ianto turned and Sebastien tucked up against his back and started massaging his shoulders. </p>
<p>"Do you want to tell me about it?" Sebastien cooed into his ear. </p>
<p>"It's just that he didn't just lose two of his teammates. It was his brother, Gray, who caused their deaths."</p>
<p>"Merde! That's rough."</p>
<p>"Jack grew up on the Boeshane Peninsula in the 51st century. At the time the Earth colonies were often attacked by cruel and psychotic aliens. When they arrived in Jack's village his parents told him to run with Gray to safety. Somewhere along the way he dropped Gray's hand in the mayhem. He never found him again. Gray was captured and tortured for years. It warped him so that he blamed Jack - who was a child when this happened - for everything."</p>
<p>"That's horrible." </p>
<p>"So it's a long story involving one of Jack's obnoxious exes, but Gray made a lot of shit go down and he caused the meltdown that killed Owen and he literally shot Tosh. Jack chloroformed him and put him in suspended animation. So it's been a lot to deal with for Jack." </p>
<p>"I can see that. But it's been a lot for you as well, my love."</p>
<p>"I… yes, yes it has.  But Jack really needs me right now. He needs me to be strong." </p>
<p>"My poor sweet one." </p>
<p>Ianto moaned, Sebastien's hands were giving him everything he needed. </p>
<p>"I suppose if I asked you how you got so good at massages you would say 220 years of practice?"</p>
<p>"No, it's because Mathilde worked hard and at the end of the day I wanted to make her feel good, to ease her aches and pains. So I taught myself." </p>
<p>"Lucky woman." </p>
<p>"No, I was the lucky one." </p>
<p>"Sebastien... Jack just said he doesn't deserve me and asked why I stay. But I worry that I don't deserve you. You flew all the way to see me and we're babysitting my drunk other boyfriend/shag/whatever Jack is. How is this fair to you?"</p>
<p>Ianto turned around so he was facing Sebastien. </p>
<p>"I was just in France, so it's not like it was that hard. But no, Ianto, you do deserve me. In fact, you could definitely do way better than me. I am… I’m a fucking up. I make so many mistakes.  I am grateful that you give me all the love that you do. I'm not greedy. I don't need all of you. I love that you have so much love to give." </p>
<p>"Sebastien, you are too good to me." </p>
<p>Sebastien took Ianto's face in his hands. "I don't know. But I think I need to do something that you will hate. I think I need to leave. Jack really needs you, you want to be there for him, but you want to give me your time too. It's stressing you out. I can feel it. I don't want to be a cause of your pain."</p>
<p>Ianto didn't know what to say. He knew he couldn’t focus on Jack as much when Sebastien was there. But Sebastien calmed him. He felt like he could handle things when Sebastien was there.</p>
<p>But how was any of this fair to Sebastien? He would never say but Ianto feared that Sebastien had tired of getting the scraps of Ianto's attention and partially was leaving because he was sick of it. That probably explained the feelings he had noticed from Sebastien. Ianto had felt conflicted feelings and anger Sebastien directed at himself all night.  It was probably because he wanted to be with Ianto but Ianto wasn’t there for him enough. </p>
<p>Ianto deserved to be left, he thought. He should have been more considerate of Sebastien and the love he offered. He shouldn't have let Jack treat him the way he did. He knew that bothered Sebastien.  </p>
<p>But now. Jack was deeply messed up and Ianto needed to be there for him. He couldn’t abandon Jack now.  So if he had to choose… He knew Sebastien would never ask him to choose. But leaving… that was sort of like asking? And apparently Ianto was choosing Jack. He had never hated himself more than that moment. Sebastien did not deserve to be treated like this. But he couldn’t leave Jack. Not right now.</p>
<p>But then there was the matter of Ianto’s life expectancy. He knew his time was running out.</p>
<p>"Who knows how long I have left? What if I never see you again?" </p>
<p>Sebastien leaned in and kissed Ianto. "I promise you will see me again. Ianto if you ever need me, call and I will come."</p>
<p>And he knew Sebastien was telling the truth. But how was it fair to Sebastien to be at Ianto’s beck and call?</p>
<p>"Sebastien, please don't leave till the morning. I don't want to do anything with Jack sleeping in the next room but it's late and I want some time with you whilst you are here." </p>
<p>"Of course my love."</p>
<p>They pulled out the sofa bed and lay in each other's arms. Ianto tried to push his self-hatred and doubt away. He concentrated on Sebastien being there, in his arms.  Ianto couldn't even remember what they talked about before they drifted off to sleep. But it had been easy and intimate. </p>
<p>*************</p>
<p>Tosh wasn't sure exactly where they had brought her. It seemed like the Mediterranean. She had been asleep when they arrived and woke to find herself in a small but airy room with a huge window looking out over the sea. The room was painted bright white and blue. There were gorgeous landscapes on the walls. </p>
<p>She took it all in and sighed to herself. The room was undeniably pretty but she still felt like she was underwater. She couldn't quite connect with reality. But the room made her calm. She wasn’t panicking anymore like she was in Cardiff. </p>
<p>Over the next few days the three others all came to see her. The woman - Andy - came and sat with her.  She didn’t really say anything at first but then she began to tell her stories about her life.  Sometimes she would read Tosh books. Tosh liked Andy almost immediately. She was tough and spikey - a bit like Jack but without the joy. Immortality had clearly taken its toll on her as it had Jack. Tosh recognized the deep feeling of loneliness that filled Andy. Tosh knew that feeling.  It was seeing all your friends happy - or unhappy - in love but being alone.  The tall man with gorgeous black curly hair - Joe - came and read her poetry. The fair haired man with soulful eyes - Nicky - brought her food. It smelled delicious but she couldn't bring herself to eat. </p>
<p>She felt a stab of guilt every time she thought of Ianto and Jack.  Jack had rescued her, saved her from the UNIT prison, and she repaid him by running away.  And then there was Ianto. Was it really better for him to think her dead than to worry about her sanity? But she didn’t want him to know, didn’t want him to see her like this.  </p>
<p>So she sat, or laid on the bed. Sometimes looking out at the sea, sometimes staring at the ceiling.   </p>
<p>********************************<br/>Booker woke with Ianto in his arms. He would miss this. He could feel it already. Jack had become dependent on Ianto. Hopefully he would be more forthcoming with his feelings. Then once Ianto's immortality was discovered, their open relationship would quickly close. And that would leave Booker with some beautiful memories and a Ianto-shaped hole in his heart. But fair enough. Jack got there first. And he was who Ianto really wanted. Ianto loved Booker but it was also true that he really wanted Jack to act more like Booker. And once Ianto discovered how Booker had kept Tosh’s immortality and Ianto’s own immortality from him?  Well, he wouldn’t be the “good” boyfriend anymore so why would Ianto stay with him?  </p>
<p>Booker could feel Ianto’s discomfort and the way he was regretting something. It could only be that he asked Booker to come when Jack needed him more.  Booker was just creating so much more stress for Ianto. How could he do this to this man who had brought him so much joy? </p>
<p>He lay there until he couldn't ignore his full bladder anymore. He gently moved Ianto and headed to the washroom. </p>
<p>When he opened the washroom door to go back to the living  room he nearly screamed. Standing in front of the door was Jack. </p>
<p>"Good. Jack, I think we need a conversation. But let's not wake Ianto - he's had a rough week."</p>
<p>Jack nodded and led Booker into Ianto's bedroom. </p>
<p>"So," Jack sat on the bed, "talk."</p>
<p>"Right, I'm leaving. As soon as Ianto wakes up, I am out of here. I don't want to get in the way of your relationship... And don't you dare say you aren't in a relationship because we all know that's bullshit. I can see that the thing both of you need right now is each other. I won't stand in your way. But I just wanted to say you can't just let him take care of you. He needs taking care of too. Tosh is his best friend in the world." </p>
<p>Jack looked down. </p>
<p>"I fucking know pain, I'm not as old as you but I've seen the people I love most in the world die horribly. So I understand where you are. The guilt, the helplessness. But that doesn't mean you can't step it up and acknowledge his grief. He's really hurting about all this too."</p>
<p>“I can see why he loves you. I am trying to do better by him, I swear to you. But you know what it's like. How can I let myself fall for him when I know I am going to lose him eventually but probably soon?" </p>
<p>"Why not make the best of the time you have?" </p>
<p>"I know..." </p>
<p>"I'm not asking you to not be you, just take a little more care with him. He's one of the strongest men I have ever met. He can and will get through this grief. But strong people need support too." </p>
<p>"I hear you. I get what you're saying. Thank you for... For stepping away. You're right I need him right now. It's terrifying to need a mortal. But that's where I am. Believe me, it is not lost on me what you are sacrificing." </p>
<p>Booker felt a twinge of guilt. He wasn't sacrificing that much. But he couldn't tell Jack about the immortality. Not if there was even a tiny chance he was wrong about Ianto. </p>
<p>"But Booker, there's another option... If Andy and all of you joined Torchwood, just think of all that we could achieve! No more mortal staff of Torchwood would have to die." </p>
<p>"That's not my decision. You know why Andy stays away from all this." </p>
<p>Jack's brow furrowed. "And she knows that Torchwood Three is different."</p>
<p>"Jack that's between you and Andy. But look, my number one priority is keeping Ianto safe. If he needs me or he is in danger, please reach out to me."</p>
<p>"Of course." </p>
<p>Sebastien quietly moved back into the living room and snuggled into a still sleeping Ianto.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thanks for reading!  I would love to know what you think!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0036"><h2>36. Goodbyes</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Jack and Booker bicker.  Ianto is numb. Booker leaves.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This is part two of the interlude between Season two and the two Doctor Who episodes (which I have mushed into one chapter) - the Doctor Who episodes are up next.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Ianto woke up in Sebastien's arms. He wondered if it would be the last time he would ever do that. He snuggled in more reveling in Sebastien's scent. </p><p>"Are you awake my love?" Sebastien's gravelly voice said. </p><p>Ianto propped himself up on an elbow. "Yes. Sebastien, are you sure you have to go?"</p><p>"Mon amour, it's for the best." </p><p>Ianto nodded sadly. It was for the best.  Sebastien deserved more.  </p><p>Ianto leaned in and kissed Sebastien. Sebastien opened to him. The kiss was long and languorous. It was in a way almost chaste. With Jack in the other room Ianto did not want to go too far. But this kiss was everything Ianto wanted in that moment. </p><p>He almost asked Sebastien to stay. He wanted nothing more.  But it wasn’t fair.  It was bad enough that Sebastien had to feel his joy when he was around Jack, it seemed cruel to make him see it and to make him compete for Ianto’s attention. </p><p>As they broke apart Ianto sighed. "We should get up.  Can't keep pushing the day away." </p><p>He padded to the kitchen and started making coffee. Sebastien went to take a shower.</p><p>"Sorry about last night." </p><p>Ianto sometimes thought Jack was part ghost, one second nowhere to be seen, the next, he was pressed up against Ianto's back and whispering in his ear. </p><p>Jack smelled just as amazing as he always did. Ianto cursed his body for responding. The 51st century pheromones were working their magic. </p><p>"Jack, I get it. But please don't break Sebastien's heart even more by having him walk in on us going at it in the kitchen."</p><p>"Who said anything about going at it? I'm just apologizing." </p><p>"Jack, you know where you pressed up against my back usually goes." </p><p>"Fine." Jack stepped back. </p><p>Ianto turned around. "Just until he leaves, then you can have me whatever way you want." </p><p>"I'm holding you to that." </p><p>Ianto rolled his eyes but with a smile. </p><p>"Well, if we can't fool around, is there at least coffee?" </p><p>Ianto held up a mug to him. </p><p>"Next best thing." Jack said as he sipped. </p><p>"How are you feeling today?"</p><p>"Great! Thanks for the water last night. Not even a hint of a hangover!"</p><p>"You and your 51st century genes."</p><p>Then Sebastien wandered in, slightly awkwardly. His hair was still wet from the shower. He somehow always managed to look so dashing.  Ianto handed him a mug. He smiled shyly.</p><p>Ianto had no idea what to do seeing the two men he loved most in the world in the same room. </p><p>"Well this is awkward." Jack chirped. "I guess it would be a terrible time to propose a threesome?"</p><p>"So you were uncomfortable with the awkwardness of the situation," Ianto deadpanned, "and you decided to make it *more* awkward?" </p><p>Sebastien looked like he wanted to run away. </p><p>"Well, why not? Anyway, that's clearly not going to happen. How about getting some help from you immortals once in awhile?" Jack glared at Sebastien. </p><p>"How about you not being intimately tied to an organization that has ties to pharmaceutical companies who want to kidnap us and use us as lab rats? You know when it isn't better to be an immortal? When scientists decide it will be fun to tear your guts out over and over again and it's fine because you can't die." Sebastien's eyes flared. </p><p>Then Ianto immediately felt regret wash over him as he saw how uncomfortable Ianto looked.</p><p>"Torchwood 3 is autonomous and we don't tell UNIT everything." Jack retorted. </p><p>Ianto scratched the back of his head. This was going badly. </p><p>"Ianto, I think I should go. Can you walk me to the street?" Sebastien’s eyes were kind but Ianto felt horrible.</p><p>"Sebastien, please finish your coffee. Jack will behave or Jack isn't going to be let in when he bangs on my door at 2 in the morning anymore." </p><p>Jack held his hands up in mock surrender.</p><p>"I think we can all agree this is the best coffee we have ever tasted." Sebastien said.</p><p>"Yes, I will drink to that!" Jack raised his mug.</p><p>Ianto smiled. </p><p>Breakfast was mostly awkward but both Jack and Sebastien tried their hardest not to bicker. </p><p>After they finished Jack - shockingly offered to do the washing up.</p><p>Ianto followed Sebastien to the living room where he was packing his backpack. </p><p>"I am going to miss you." </p><p>Sebastien looked at him sadly. "I know my love. I will miss you too." </p><p>He stood in front of Ianto and cupped Ianto's face. "We will see each other again." </p><p>He kissed Ianto so intensely. For a moment Ianto forgot about Jack in the kitchen or about his grief, or his own name. He was just kissing Sebastien, exploring his mouth and feeling Sebastien's tongue everywhere in his mouth. Finally they separated both out of breath. </p><p>Ianto felt tears in his eyes. He couldn’t ask Sebastien to stay. He just couldn’t. But the thought of dying before seeing Sebastien’s face again in person destroyed Ianto.</p><p>"Mon amour, this is better.  Jack really needs you. I don’t want to make you choose. Please go be with him. Let him comfort you the only way he knows how."</p><p>"Sebastien I…" </p><p>"Please put yourself first for once. You know how happy your joy makes me. If you can find some comfort, some satisfaction, some distraction, with Jack, it will make me happy. Don’t deny yourself because you are worried about me." </p><p>Ianto nodded as he walked Sebastien to the street. This was all his fault, he was chasing Sebastien away and he knew it.  But he couldn’t do anything to stop it.  Sebastien hailed a cab and they embraced once more before Sebastien got in and the cab sped away. </p><p>***************<br/>
Ianto sadly walked back to his apartment.  As he rounded the corner to his door he saw the orange alien cat.  It looked at him, hissed angrily and ran away.  </p><p>“I know, little friend,” Ianto said, “I know I’ve hurt him.”<br/>
Ianto let himself back into his apartment and went to the living room. He sat on the couch that still smelled slightly of Sebastien though they had collapsed the mattress. He sighed heavily and curled up on the couch and cried.  </p><p>“Yan??”  </p><p>He heard Jack’s voice sounding concerned.  And then Jack was there rubbing his back.  </p><p>“I’m sorry. I got carried away.” </p><p>“S’okay. It was my fault. I’m not… I dunno… just not.”  </p><p>Jack made soothing noises and ran and softly through Ianto’s hair.  The pheromones were so strong.</p><p> </p><p>"Yan, I know you're hurting. Everything sucks. But maybe… I mean, do you… Let's take our minds off things?" </p><p>Ianto should have been offended that Jack was suggesting sex when Ianto was sobbing on the couch. But he knew Jack was just trying to fix things the way he knew how to.  Jack's grin had lost a little of its shine. His invitation seemed more like a plea. Ianto's heart broke a little for Jack. </p><p>It was all too much. Tosh, Owen, saying goodbye, possibly for the last time, to Sebastien, comforting Jack.  Ianto didn't want to think about anything. Jack was right. He needed to lose himself in whatever avant garde sex thing Jack thought up. Besides, there was something about Jack that he couldn't ever resist. This was why he didn’t deserve Sebastien. Jack always reeled him back in again - with his charm and his barely hidden pain. </p><p>“Okay.”  Ianto said. </p><p>Jack pulled him up and led him to the bedroom. </p><p> </p><p>After they lay on Ianto’s bed. </p><p>"I think I needed that." </p><p>"Same." Jack agreed. </p><p>Jack pulled Ianto into his arms. Ianto laid his head on Jack's shoulder. </p><p>"Ianto, I'm so sorry about Tosh. Are you ok?"</p><p>"No, no, I'm really not." Ianto didn't want to be anything but honest. "But I will be. I just... I can't believe she's not around anymore. There are things that happen throughout the day, you know? And I'll think, 'I can't wait to tell Tosh.' or 'Tosh is going to laugh so hard at this.' And then I remember. And it's like she dies all over again." </p><p>Ianto had started crying again. Jack wrapped his arms even tighter around Ianto. Ianto sobbed against his chest.</p><p>"I'm so sorry, Ianto. I hate everything about this. I should have been faster, I should have stopped Gray from shooting her. I shouldn't have dropped his hand." </p><p>"Jack," Ianto said through his tears, "we have to be able to grieve them without the guilt. We have to miss them and be sad they are gone without hating ourselves." </p><p>"Oh, Ianto. You are so right. But I just... It's hard to do that."</p><p>"I know."</p><p>And they cried together. They held each other and sobbed. Until neither had anything to cry anymore and they fell asleep.</p><p>**************</p><p>Booker stared out the window on the plane as it taxied down the runway. Why did he always find himself on a plane out of the Cardiff airport holding back tears? </p><p>But the last two times he left felt different.  He didn't feel so hopeless.  The first time he left it had devastated him to leave Ianto but there was a spark in his heart.  He could feel Ianto thinking of him and feel his joy.  His thoughts had kept returning to their night together and felt warm and happy. He felt none of that now.</p><p>Ianto had been so sad but Booker could also feel him feeling guilty.  Booker knew that that must be the guilt of not spending enough time with him and probably not wanting to be with him anymore.  How could he make Ianto feel bad when he was already so low?  </p><p>He had to admit that part of it was cowardice. He wasn’t sure if he could bear lying to Ianto’s face anymore, so he had slunk away.  </p><p>He wanted to send comfort to Ianto, to imagine holding him as he always did when he felt sadness in Ianto.  But it didn’t feel right.  He wasn’t sure if Ianto would want that. </p><p>He had hoped he would feel joy or at least some sort of relief coming from Ianto after he left. He knew that Jack would be trying to comfort him.  And Jack was very good at his particular form of comfort.  The way Jack was looking at Ianto as Booker left, he knew that’s exactly what was going on in Ianto’s flat.  But he didn’t feel joy or release or satisfaction. He just felt numbness and emptiness. There was a sharp feeling of endless nothingness.  Booker jolted as the plane tilted up and they began their ascent mirroring the jolt in Booker’s brain.  </p><p>“Oh no,” he thought, “I think leaving was a mistake.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thanks for reading! I would love to hear what you think!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0037"><h2>37. Moving on</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Andy and Booker help Tosh heal, Ianto and Jack get a surprise</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>In celebration of starting a very long holiday I'm posting two chapters in one night!  </p>
<p>This chapter is set on the edges of "The Stolen Earth/ Journey's End".</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Booker stared out the window looking over the Mediterranean. Joe and Nicky's safe house in Malta was one of his favourites. Everything was serene and peaceful. If Tosh was going to recover, this would be the place to bring her back. She was at least getting out of bed now. She would get up and sit on one of the deck chairs and stare at the Mediterranean. She was eating now too. Slightly, morsels here and there. But she wouldn't talk. </p>
<p>He often sat with her. Sometimes neither of them said anything. Sometimes he talked about how Ianto was doing, especially after their semi-regular phone calls. </p>
<p>He wasn't sure the first time he'd mentioned Ianto.  He had just started talking because talking about Ianto was as natural as breathing to him. And there was a lot he was trying to work through. But he had caught himself and quickly apologized to Tosh and had tried to change the subject. But Tosh grabbed his arm and shook her head. </p>
<p>"Does this mean, you want me to talk about Ianto?" He'd asked. She nodded. </p>
<p>Up until that time he wasn't even sure she was listening. But after that, he spoke of Ianto often. Tosh never reacted again but he knew she was listening. </p>
<p>Andy, predictably blamed Jack for Tosh's PTSD and started to hate him even more. She had only known Tosh for days but already was incredibly protective of her.  She sat with Tosh even more than Booker did.  He noticed that Andy had a calming effect on Tosh which was odd because Andy rarely had a calming effect on anyone.  But he was glad that Tosh was connecting with them. </p>
<p>When they weren’t with Tosh, Andy went on rants about Jack any time Booker mentioned Ianto or even alluded to his existence. Andy refused to say Ianto's name, instead she called him "your boyfriend who Jack stole cuz Jack is a big baby and can't handle immortality."  The loyalty was sweet, if a little misplaced. And it wasn't really accurate. If anything Booker stole Ianto briefly whilst Jack was away. </p>
<p>But Booker didn't believe that you could steal people anyway. Ianto acted on his own volition. He made choices by himself. And right now his choice was to be with Jack. Jack had finally acknowledged that he and Ianto were in a relationship. Ianto still called Booker frequently, told him he loved him every time. But he didn’t ask Booker to come back. Booker was certain that his leaving was a mistake but somehow he couldn’t fix it. The mistake was in going, in abandoning Ianto when he was at his lowest.  The damage had been done so going back wouldn’t fix anything.  Besides, there wasn't space for both him and Jack in Cardiff. Not without pulling Ianto in painful directions and he had already hurt Ianto enough.</p>
<p>But Andy didn't see that nuance.  And Andy also saw Tosh as proof that Ianto was mortal. </p>
<p>"It's not possible Book,"  she argued, "two at a time doesn't happen. There's years and years between us."</p>
<p>"Uh, what about us?" Nicky asked.</p>
<p>"Yeah, we became immortal at the same instant."  Joe said as he leaned in and kissed Nicky.</p>
<p>"That's a once in a world occurrence, you two." </p>
<p>"I disagree. If Book feels that connection then Ianto is one of us." Joe shot back. He could always be counted on for support in an argument if it was romantic.</p>
<p>Booker then told Tosh what he thought about Ianto’s immortality. She had no reaction. But from that day forward he noticed some of her tension dissipated.  </p>
<p>Overall, the time was what Booker needed. He wanted Tosh to get better because every time he talked to Ianto he felt a rush of guilt for keeping her from him. But he also needed the time to sort through his feelings for Ianto and to grieve the fact that their relationship had changed.</p>
<p>And then the aliens stole Earth. At first they thought it was an earthquake but soon the sky changed colour and the 26 planets appeared.</p>
<p>Shortly after that Booker's phone rang. </p>
<p>"Listen to me Sebastien!" It was Ianto and he sounded scared. "Something really bad is coming, aliens, the worst ones, the Daleks.  They are almost impossible to kill and they are super deadly. Your best bet is to hide."</p>
<p>"Or they could step up and help us!" Jack called out in the background. </p>
<p>"Jack, they don't have the right kind of  weapons, you're asking them to be killed over and over again." </p>
<p>"Oh but it's fine for you and Gwen to get killed just the once?"</p>
<p>There was panic in both of their voices. </p>
<p>"Jack, just leave it. Sorry Sebastien.  But please, find a safe house far away from anything and hide. It isn't safe to travel right now. Do not let them take you prisoner! I love you Sebastien! If I don't make it through this, please know that I love you "</p>
<p>"Ianto, I love you too."</p>
<p>Luckily the safe house had a bomb shelter built below it that Joe and Nicky used if they felt they were in extra danger. They all moved down there. </p>
<p>Predictably, Andy refused to even consider helping, saying that this was one for the Doctor. </p>
<p>And in the end, it turned out that the Doctor - and all his companions - did fix it all. </p>
<p>******************</p>
<p>Ianto was just finishing up the washing the floors when the package came. </p>
<p>It had been a little more than two weeks of hard work putting the Hub back to rights. Luckily the Dalek hadn't caused too much structural damage when it burst through the door. But the movement of the earth to and from the Medusa Cascade has caused lots of things around the Hub to smash. </p>
<p>Putting it all together again had been incredibly hard work. They were all exhausted. When all that was left to do was sweeping and then washing of the floors Ianto had told Jack and Gwen that he could handle the rest. Gwen had immediately taken off to spend some quality time with Rhys. Jack had offered to help but Ianto shooed him away. It really was a one-person job and he knew the only way to get it done to his satisfaction was to do it himself. </p>
<p>Things had altered ever so slightly since the terrible events with Gray. Jack was slightly more affectionate though after the initial shock of Tosh and Owen’s deaths wore off he steadfastly refused to put any kind of definition to their relationship. Once Ianto referred to him as his partner and Jack went on a ten minute long rant about what a studpid word that was and how archaic relationships were. </p>
<p>But when they were alone together, he seemed to want to touch Ianto constantly. And he still occasionally went off on the pull a few times a week but most of the rest of the time he stayed in with Ianto. He had unofficially moved into Ianto's flat because he said the Hub had too many bad memories. That suited Ianto much better because he had a much larger bed than the army cot they would sleep on at the Hub.</p>
<p>He tried to call Sebastien when he could but he now had to do it when Jack was busy. Jack had not forgiven any of the Old Guard for their inaction when the Earth was stolen. He didn't blame Sebastien outright but if he walked in whilst Ianto was talking to him on the phone it would result in a very long and annoyed rant about Andy after Ianto was off the phone. And as a result things were becoming distanced with Sebastien. And Ianto could sense that Sebastien was holding something back.  There was something he wasn’t saying.  Ianto worried it was his frustration with Ianto for staying with Jack.  </p>
<p>As Ianto was draining the water bucket from washing the floor he got a notification of someone ringing the doorbell at the tourist office. They had an access code so it must be a courier. </p>
<p>Ianto rushed up to the office to meet the delivery person. She held a large rectangular box. </p>
<p>"I need a signature on this one?" </p>
<p>Ianto signed the sheet and she handed him the box and headed back to her truck. </p>
<p>The box had some loopy handwriting that Ianto recognized instantly as Martha Jones's. It was addressed to "Jack and Ianto".</p>
<p>He hurried down to the Hub proper to scan the box for anything harmful and then excitedly opened it. </p>
<p>"Jack!" He called out after he had peeked in. "Come here! You are going to want to see this!"</p>
<p>Jack came bounding down the stairs from his office. </p>
<p>"Looks like Martha sent us a little thank you gift." Ianto held the card out to Jack.</p>
<p>"Thanks for once again helping to save the world, boys." Jack read out. "I hope you enjoy this little token of my and UNIT's appreciation."</p>
<p>"Is it???" Jack said excitedly.</p>
<p>"Oh you know it!" Ianto smirked as he took the lid off the box to reveal a bright red beret and a black uniform.</p>
<p>Ianto barely had time to put the lid back on the box before Jack was pulling him up the stairs.</p>
<p>"My office, now, Jones. I think I might need to be disciplined by UNIT." </p>
<p>Ianto threw his head back and laughed. And ran with Jack up the stairs.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thanks for reading!  I would love to hear what you think!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0038"><h2>38. My friends need me</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Ianto is trying to help. Booker and Andy argue about the children, Booker gains an unexpected ally.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This is set around the edges of Children of Earth Day 1 - if the details from the episodes for Children of Earth are a little fuzzy that's because I'm not rewatching them before I edit.  I watched them when I originally wrote the chapters in August/September and that was bad enough.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Is everything okay?  The children?  It’s aliens, right?”  </p>
<p>Ianto looked at his phone. Things had grown increasingly awkward between them but he still felt a little happy jolt in his stomach when a text message from Booker came in.</p>
<p>“Probably. We don’t know yet. Things are fine right now.  Jack’s trying to recruit a new doctor which would suit me because ‘damnit Jim, I’m an archivist not a doctor!’”</p>
<p>“Ha!  Okay, well hope you get a doctor soon.” </p>
<p>“We need the Doctor mostly but I don’t see that happening.”  </p>
<p>“Indeed.”  </p>
<p>“Oh shoot, I’ve got to go, Jack wants me to find a child.  I wish I was joking. I love you Sebastien.”  </p>
<p>“Right back at you Ianto. Sending you all my love. Please stay safe. This one feels like it could get tricky fast.”  </p>
<p>“Oooh who’s the alien expert now!” </p>
<p>“Daminit Jim, I’m an immortal mercenary not an alien expert!”  </p>
<p>“I love you.”  </p>
<p>“I love you too.”  </p>
<p>Ianto put away his phone and smiled.  He hadn’t had a breezy and fun conversation with Sebastien on the phone in quite some time but their texts remained light. You couldn’t hear the overwhelming sadness in their voices by text. And it was like they had agreed that texting remained a space to forget the tension and just make jokes. He needed that.  Things with Sebastien were not how Ianto wanted them to be but he had some hope in the fact that they still talked and that they could still joke in texts.  He missed the way it had been with Sebastien, how they could talk about anything and how they would calm each other. For the millionth time he was angry at himself for not asking Sebastien to stay.</p>
<p>Ianto sighed as he climbed into the SUV.  He would just have to deal with the mess he had made with Sebastien and accept that he had broken things.  As he drove to Rhiannon’s place he thought how perhaps after they solved this thing with the children he could take a break and go to Sebastien.  Maybe traveling to him would show him how much he still cared.  </p>
<p>****************</p>
<p>“Well it’s probably some alien thing.  What can we do?” Andy asked angrily.  </p>
<p>Booker sighed.  He could remember the time when he could just ignore all the weird things that happened with aliens.  But now, whenever there was a sighting or something weird or the whole planet was whisked to a different universe, he got a clenched feeling in his gut that had absolutely nothing to do with his own personal safety.  He thought about Ianto and whether this alien threat would hurt him and his friends.</p>
<p>Things with Ianto were tense.  He wanted to give Ianto space to work on this thing with Jack. But Booker could tell Jack was sliding into old habits: his secrets, pushing Ianto away when he secretly wanted him near.  Booker could see how sad that was making Ianto.  But there was no way any conversation Booker tried to start about this would come off as anything but trying to discredit his rival. Booker longed for the days when he didn’t see Jack as a rival. Why did Jack have to act like this? If only he treated Ianto properly Booker could be friendly with him. </p>
<p>But the thing with the children really made him nervous.  This was big, worldwide.  And that meant governments would get involved.  And it had been Booker’s experience that when governments got involved with things that normally couldn’t be explained, the people fixing those issues faced two threats: the aliens and the people trying to cover it up.  </p>
<p>He hadn’t heard from Ianto since their text exchange after the children stopped for the second time.  </p>
<p>“Andy, I have a seriously bad feeling about this.  I think we need to be close to England.”  </p>
<p>“Well Tosh still can’t travel. And I don’t imagine her PTSD is going to get better if she has to deal with another stupid alient threat.” </p>
<p>“Joe and Nicky are really good at taking care of her.  You and I could go.”  </p>
<p>“Absolutely not.  Book - we stay away from alien threats. It’s what we’ve always done, it’s what we’ll always do. </p>
<p>Suddenly Booker collapsed on the floor.  An explosion, a big one.  Too close for comfort but not fatal.  </p>
<p>“Booker!!” Andy kneeling in front of him.  “Are you okay?  What happened?”  </p>
<p>“A bomb.  There was a bomb.  I think he’s okay but he’s scared and sad and.. It’s not good.”  </p>
<p>“We need to get to Wales.”  an unfamiliar voice said. </p>
<p>Andy and Booker both looked up to see Tosh standing in the kitchen doorway.  </p>
<p>“Ianto’s in trouble.  They are all in trouble.  I felt it.  I’ve never felt a connection with him before but this time. It was so strong.”  </p>
<p>“Tosh!”  Sebastien got to his feet.  “Are you feeling better?”  </p>
<p>Andy was instantly by Tosh’s side with a comforting hand on her shoulder.</p>
<p>“I’m okay.  Not great but I can’t run away anymore.  Maybe when they are safe I can go back to bed. This is a worse threat than the Daleks.  Someone blew up The Hub - not even the Daleks could do that.”  </p>
<p>Booker dialed Ianto’s cell but it went straight to voicemail without ringing.  He tried Jack’s and he got voicemail too.  </p>
<p>“Fuck.  I think he lost his cell phone in the explosion.”  </p>
<p>The clenched feeling in his gut spread all over his body.  </p>
<p>“We’re going, Andy.”  Tosh’s tone was serious and ice cold. “Thank you for taking care of me.  But my friends need me.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thanks for reading! I would love to hear what you think!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0039"><h2>39. On the run</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Ianto has regrets, Booker and Tosh arrive in Cardiff.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This chapter is set around the edges of Children of Earth: Day Two.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Ianto jumped into Rhiannon’s car and sped away.   </p>
<p>He had to think.  How could he find Gwen and Rhys?  There had to be some way to get in touch.  But every time he tried to think about the problem his mind was just flooded with awful images:  Jack kissing him and pushing him onto the lift;  the explosion; and worst of all, Jack’s would-be murders hauling bits of his body away.  </p>
<p>This was bad, worse than he’d seen before. He thought Tosh dying was the worst that it could get.  But even the end of the world hadn’t been this bad. Even the Daleks hadn’t been able to destroy the Hub.  </p>
<p>Ianto pulled into a parking lot near a coffee shop.  He could probably get the wifi from where he was sitting.  He booted up Rhiannon’s computer.  Some of Torchwood’s servers were stored offsite (thank you Tosh!) so he could still log into his profile and search for the licence plate of the truck that took Jack’s body away.  He tried to check his email but it was inaccessible. </p>
<p>He was hit with a sudden urge to call Sebastien. He wanted to hear that soft Belgian accent reassuring him it would be ok. It was almost a physical ache not being able to talk to Sebastien. But it wasn’t safe.  Contacting Sebastien would endanger him and all the other immortals.  Whoever this was, they did not give up when someone was blown to pieces. Which meant they wouldn’t stop till they found Gwen and Ianto. If they knew Sebastien existed they would come after him and the rest of the immortals too. So he had to stay away from Sebastien.  Which meant he would probably never see Sebastien again. The pain of that thought was terrible, but the thought of Sebastien being tortured and a bomb planted in his body was even worse.  </p>
<p>He’d been such an idiot.  Why didn’t he listen to Tosh and try to talk to Sebastien about the tension?  He’d made a lot of assumptions about what Sebastien was thinking. It had seemed so clear, so obvious that Sebastien was pulling away, that he was annoyed with Ianto, that he was mad at the attention that Ianto gave to Jack.  But was he really?  Why the fuck hadn’t Ianto just talked to him?  Now he was going to end up getting killed by some shadow government agency and would never have the opportunity to clear the air.   </p>
<p>He thought of Sebastien and tried to send him the message that he was okay and that he missed him and loved him. He felt Sebastien’s fear for him but he also felt an incredible overwhelming sense of love from Sebastien. It fortified Ianto.   He would probably never have the chance to tell Sebastien in person how much this meant to him. But somehow he knew that even if he never saw Sebastien again, Sebastien knew he loved him.  </p>
<p>Oh god, where had they taken Jack?  And what were they doing with him?  He thought about how Sebastien had told him that being immortal didn’t mean an end to pain. You recovered but it hurt like hell. Ianto shuddered. They had only found bits of Jack. What excruciating pain would await the man he loved as his body grew back? </p>
<p>He searched the plate of the truck - it was registered to an address in the country.  This was something.  He could do something. He wasn’t sure how, but he was going to find a way to rescue Jack and hopefully reunite with Gwen and Rhys.  </p>
<p>********************</p>
<p>They landed in Cardiff in the afternoon.  As soon as they were off the plane Tosh had tried to log in to her Torchwood profile but it had been deleted.  She knew that was likely but she had to try just the same. She spent a frustrating amount of time trying to hack into Torchwood systems but everything was blocked.  </p>
<p>She cursed the fact that she hadn’t become closer friends with Gwen and Rhys so that she would have Rhys’s phone number. She had tried Ianto's, Jack's, and Gwen's but none were on.  Rhys probably didn't have his phone with him either in any case - they would all be afraid of being tracked. </p>
<p>“Is there much point going to the scene of the bomb?”  Booker asked.  </p>
<p>“I don’t know. Maybe that will give us a clue? But we have to be careful.  I’m sure whoever did this is watching the site.  But they wouldn’t know who we are.  It’s worth trying.”  </p>
<p>At the bomb site Tosh suddenly wasn't sure if she could do this. She thought about all the bodies that were in the crypt, now disturbed from their final rest. Suzie, Beth, presumably Owen. And many she had never met. But she took a deep breath and thought about Ianto, Jack, and Gwen. She had to find a way to help them. </p>
<p>She felt Booker take her hand in his. </p>
<p>"Ianto's still alive. I can feel it." He said. “He’s trying to comfort me, which is so like him when he’s the one that should be comforted.” </p>
<p>Tosh smiled so sadly at Booker. The look on his face was heartbreaking.  She had never seen another person more in love with someone than Booker was with Ianto, or Ianto was with Booker for that matter.  Joe and Nicky came close but not quite. She felt a stab of guilt for her role in their becoming distanced.  If - no when - they all made it through this, she was going to demand that they talk to each other about what they were feeling.</p>
<p>"None of them are here. Whoever did this has to be still watching."</p>
<p>"Who did this? Who could have done this? It's got to be official, right? Otherwise Ianto wouldn't have run." </p>
<p>The site was caution taped off and was a buzz of activity with workers trying to clear the rubble. This had been going on since the night before when it happened. </p>
<p>"Torchwood is funded by the Crown." Tosh said, almost to herself. "But it runs in cooperation with government agencies. I don't see any UNIT folks here. If they didn't know who caused it,  UNIT would be here investigating.  And no one is investigating. They are just cleaning up. And very quickly at that." </p>
<p>Booker looked very grave. "It means they know full well who did it." </p>
<p>They both watched the clean up for awhile.</p>
<p>"I think we need to go to London." Tosh said finally.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thanks for reading! I would love to hear what you think!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0040"><h2>40. Chapter 40</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Ianto is resigned, Booker and Tosh are remorseful.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This episode takes place around the edges of "Children of Earth:  Day 3"</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Ianto was relieved that Jack was back with them. He was a bit surly but Ianto imagined that he would be too if he had been blown up and then encased in concrete. </p>
<p>Ianto wanted to do something for Jack. Something to bring the sparkle back to his eyes. He had already spent longer than he had wanted getting supplies but he didn’t want to return to their temporary new home at the warehouse yet.  He just needed something else for Jack, something to take him out of his dejected mood and to give him the moral boost he needed to fight these aliens.</p>
<p>Ianto was so tired. He hadn't really slept since the night before the bomb. He had never wanted to just be able to snuggle into Jack on the narrow cot in Jack's bunker or fall asleep on his love seat with Sebastien so much. </p>
<p>Ianto shook his head. Thinking about the bunker made him think about the Hub. Did Myfanwy survive the blast? She was a smart dinosaur, she knew how to get out of the Hub. But who would feed her? Would she be spotted fishing in the bay?</p>
<p>And then he thought about the roof and his lunches with Tosh. He had to duck into an alley to hide the tears that came to his eyes. He missed her so badly. He had thought his grief over her death would fade but it was still as strong as the day she died. And, he thought with a sob he couldn't repress, Tosh's final resting place would have been ripped apart. The violence done was an all out attack on Torchwood current and past. </p>
<p>He leaned against a brick wall in the alley and slid down to the ground and put his face in his hands. How was he supposed to get through this without either Tosh or Sebastien? </p>
<p>He couldn't hold back the tears anymore. It was better to get this out now. He had to be professional and unflappable in front of Jack and Gwen. They had been through a lot and he didn't want to upset them with his grief, particularly Jack. Jack didn’t seem to want to hear anything about Ianto’s feelings right now.  Ianto just breathing seemed to aggravate Jack.</p>
<p>He could feel Sebastien trying to comfort him, thinking of holding him.  It helped but it also made him painfully aware about how far from reach Sebastien really was.  All they had right now was the psychic connection, he didn’t dare try to contact Sebastien any other way.</p>
<p>For a mad instant he thought, what if he just walked away?  What if he went to a phone box and called Sebastien and said “just come get me”?  If whoever was after Jack didn’t find him first and Sebastien got to him, he and the Old Guard could probably hide Ianto somewhere till all of this blew over.  He knew they had safe houses all over the place.  And he knew that were he to contact Sebastien, his Belgian lover would move mountains to get to Ianto and take him to safety. But Ianto also knew he could never do that.  He couldn’t abandon Jack, Gwen and Rhys like that.  He couldn’t turn his back on all those children cruelly being made to parrot the demands of hostile aliens. He tried not to dwell right now on the fact that Andy and all of them, including Sebastien, could turn their back on this.  </p>
<p>Escape was just a dream, just a fantasy. He couldn’t live with himself if he tried to make it a reality.  He knew he would go back to the warehouse, probably get snarked at by Jack, and then if the mysterious assassins who had taken Jack didn’t get him, the aliens probably would.  But this was his life, this is what he signed up for all those years ago when he applied to work at Torchwood One. He thought of Owen and Tosh. Really he was extraordinarily lucky to have made it this far. He was grateful that he’d had the time he had. He only regretted the pain his going would cause Sebastien. But in the end there was nothing that could be done about that.  And so he eventually got himself together and stood. He was about to return to the street when something caught his eye in the other direction. </p>
<p>A military surplus store! What were the chances? Ianto felt a little lightness in his step as he rushed in. If he could do this one thing for Jack it would make some things better. </p>
<p>And there it was! A greatcoat just like Jack's! Perhaps Ianto's luck was turning around after all?</p>
<p>**************</p>
<p>When Tosh and Booker neared London in their rental car the traffic was at a stand still. </p>
<p>"It's all about the aliens at Thames House." Tosh said whilst taping on her phone. "Everyone either wants to get as far away as they can or rubber neck across the street. I still can't get into Torchwood either. They've added more security since I tried. That’ll be our Ianto, he learned all my tricks.  And I sent them all emails but I think the email servers were stored in the Hub so that might be down. Booker, I just don't know what to do. I feel so useless." </p>
<p>"It’s okay Tosh, don’t blame yourself.  We have to try to intercept them before they go to Thames House. I'll take us to the safe house, we can figure out a way to get there. Maybe we could take the Tube and then walk?" Booker ran his hand through his hair. "But when will they show up? Tomorrow maybe? He's not in London right now. He's somewhere nearby. I don’t know where."</p>
<p>"You sure they will be there?"</p>
<p>"If there's danger, and if there's a chance to save the world, that's where my Ianto will be." </p>
<p>Tosh smiled gently at him. </p>
<p>"Oh Tosh, I know he's not my Ianto. He's Jack's, always has been, always will be." </p>
<p>"He loves Jack," Tosh said carefully, "but that doesn't mean he doesn't love you. I have seen his face when he talks about you. He feels very strongly. He's both of yours and he belongs to himself as well." </p>
<p>"But what if he only loves me because he doesn't get what he wants from Jack? And Jack holds back because he's afraid of losing Ianto. When Ianto is immortal, Jack will stop putting up walls."</p>
<p>"Booker, I wish you could hear how idiotic you sound. Ianto is one of the most loyal men I have ever met. He is so cautious about trusting people and letting them in.  But that’s because when he decides you’re worthy of letting in, he lets you all in. He has never let anyone in to the extent he’s let you in, not even Jack. He’s not with you till something better comes along.  Ianto is a more nuanced thinker and feeler than that." Tosh paused. "He truly does have room in his heart for more than one man.”  She sighed.  “Booker, I’m so sick of all these assumptions you two are making.  I have told him many times and I’m telling you.  Please talk to each other. Don’t let misunderstandings drive you apart."</p>
<p>Booker felt thoroughly chastened.  </p>
<p>"He has a big heart. And now it’s completely broken.  He’s alone and scared. And he’s… He’s resigned. He’s accepted that this might be it for him. And that’s all he expects for himself. It’s breaking my heart.  I wish I could find him."  He tried to send Ianto comfort but Ianto’s pain just felt so immense.  </p>
<p>“Look, Booker, I owe you an apology.”  Tosh was looking at her hands. “I shouldn’t have forbade you to tell Ianto about me.  I… I was so fucked up.  I just didn’t want him to see me that way.  I did what I’m getting mad at you for doing.  I just assumed things. I know that was a mistake now.  And I bitterly regret it. Because if he knew I was alive I could help them. I will never forgive myself for this.  It’s just, I somehow got it twisted in my head that it was better for him to think I died a hero than that I was immobilized by my grief. He’s been through so much and he didn’t just completely fall apart like I did. I was so stupid.”  </p>
<p>“Oh Tosh!  You’re not stupid.  But you’re right, both of us, we’ve made such a mess of it with him.  And I know I don’t really need to say because I know you know, but he’s so compassionate and kind. He would understand what happened to you.  He will understand what was going on in your head. If we can get to him, we can make it up to him.”  </p>
<p>“You’re right. I know that now. But I just…”  Her voice got so small, “what if he isn’t immortal?  What if I never get the chance to apologize?”  </p>
<p>“He’s immortal. There’s no way he can’t be.” </p>
<p>“Look, Booker, I am so sorry.  I feel like I ruined things with you and Ianto by making you keep this secret.”  </p>
<p>“No, Tosh, you really didn’t.  I did that on my own. I chose to keep that promise even though I knew it would hurt him. And I knew more than you because I could feel his heart breaking into tiny pieces. And then I shouldn’t have left him after you died. I thought it would make it easier for him.  But Jack has never been good at comforting him.  I fucked up so badly by abandoning him.” </p>
<p>Tosh looked sadly at Booker.  “We can make this right.  We’ll find Ianto and Jack and we’ll help them and whatever this thing is with the aliens, we can beat it.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thanks so much for reading!  I would love to hear what you think!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0041"><h2>41. A blip in time?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Ianto has a lot to think about and Booker and Tosh try to get to Thames House.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This chapter takes place at the edges of "Children of Earth: Day Four"</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Jack had gone off to call Frobisher which frankly was fine. Ianto needed some time to process everything he'd heard. Jack had willingly led those children to a horrible - it wasn't even a death -  44 years being sucked dry by those horrible creatures? And then Jack had a daughter and grandson?</p>
<p>He wasn't stupid. He had always known that Jack had secrets. The man had lived so many lives it was impossible that he wouldn't. But Ianto thought of those long nights in the Hub when neither of them could sleep but didn't have anymore energy for sex. Ianto talked about his life, about his terrible relationship with his father, about how he struggled at school, and often about Lisa. Jack had talked too. But there had been a distance. He wasn’t so open with his thoughts, or his feelings. Ianto had noticed it but tried not to think about it. </p>
<p>He was so invested in his love story with Jack. This relationship had changed him. Jack pulled him out of utter devastation after Lisa died. He had never met anyone like Jack. And never felt so alive. And so even though he had a different but equally life changing love story with Sebastien that was completely fulfilling, he desperately wanted what he had with Jack to be as important to Jack as it was to him.</p>
<p>So maybe he was stupid. Because he had talked himself into that it was mutual. He thought when Jack did things like bring him in on the secret of Flat Holm or talk wistfully about the Boeshane Peninsula in bed, that was Jack telling him all. But Jack had merely thrown him some scraps. Jack probably did love him.  But did he love him the way Ianto loved Jack?</p>
<p>And he couldn't really blame Jack. Jack was immense, he was inevitable. He would live forever. And even if Ianto did - and who was he kidding, he wouldn't - live to an old age. It would still only be a blip in time to Jack. He'd just become one of those stories Jack told: "I once dated a guy who made the universe's best coffee." </p>
<p>It really hurt that Jack hadn't told him about the 456. Because Ianto was a problem solver. He knew everything. He could anticipate moves and counter them.  Regardless of what Jack said, Ianto could have helped. He could have come up with a solution back when they had the Hub, Tosh’s inventions, and all the alien tech at their fingertips.  But then even if he had helped Jack save the world, if he’d found a solution, would that be enough? How many other times had they saved the world as a team but on some level Jack still thought of Ianto as only a great shag who made really good coffee. </p>
<p>But now… now he had no resources and no time to come up with a plan.  He didn’t even know all the things he needed to know about the set up at Thames House.  So now all he could do was blindly follow whatever foolhardy plan Jack came up with that would probably get him killed. </p>
<p>****************</p>
<p>As they suspected, the Tube was diverting anywhere near Thames House. So they had to walk. It was a long way but the weather was fine.  </p>
<p>Just as they'd gotten above ground Booker's cellphone rang. He didn't recognize the number but then he wouldn't. </p>
<p>"Ianto?" He said tentatively.</p>
<p>"I have no time, this is probably bugged." Ianto said.  "We're going into Thames House. Whatever happens,  I love you. " </p>
<p>"I love you too. But wait, I'm..." Booker managed to get out before the call disconnected. </p>
<p>"They're going in." Booker said grimly. "We better get a move on. He hung up before I could tell him to wait for us. He was trying to protect me. I should have started with "wait for me!" Or something." </p>
<p>"B, please, you were startled. Let's just try and get there.”</p>
<p>They ran as fast as they could. </p>
<p>Sometime later when Thames House was in sight, Booker faltered. He had to lean against a wall and make an effort to draw breath.</p>
<p>"Booker? What's going on?" Tosh looked white as a ghost. </p>
<p>"No..." Booker couldn't keep the emotion out of his voice. "He's...  He can't breathe. It's... I don't know but.. no!!!" </p>
<p>Booker started to run, tears streaking his face. He knew he was too late. He knew Ianto was already dead. He felt a deep and complete emptiness where he had become so accustomed to feeling Ianto’s emotions. </p>
<p>He had to get there, had to be near. He knew it would be blocked off and that they couldn't have gotten in. But he wasn’t thinking, he desperately wanted to be there.</p>
<p>When they got to the barricade he felt Tosh pull on his arm.</p>
<p>"Booker, think!" She whispered. "We need to find a way to rescue his body. You can't do anything now. But you can make sure he doesn't wake up in front of someone who will put a bomb in his stomach." </p>
<p>"I know." He said.</p>
<p>And then he crumpled. Tosh rushed to hold him as he sobbed.</p>
<p>************</p>
<p>Years of lying for Torchwood had made Tosh very proficient at it. She had thrown together some plausible excuse involving needing a body, to study the effects of the alien virus.  Then she had heavily implied a top secret government private partnership with a classified pharmaceutical company that she worked for. They had lost valuable hours in dealing with all the bureaucracy but Tosh clung to the fact that all the Old Guard said the first death took the longest to revive.  She didn’t want Ianto waking up alone or in front of people who might study him like a lab rat.</p>
<p>She had hacked some government computers and found a memo saying Gwen and Rhys were being flown to Cardiff and Jack was incarcerated. She had felt a twinge. Jack should know about Ianto, and he should be locked up, but they needed to deal with rescuing Ianto’s body first.</p>
<p>It seemed to be going well. They had arranged all the necessary permissions and the morgue assistant went to get the keys to open the door to the morgue. </p>
<p>Tosh's calm was a good thing because Booker was trying very hard to keep it together but was failing a bit. </p>
<p>Booker had so steadfastly believed that Ianto was immortal. He'd argued with Andy and convinced Joe and Nicky. And the way he talked about it with Tosh when she was catatonic was one of the things that brought her out. </p>
<p>But when they had called Andy, Tosh saw that faith waver. </p>
<p>"No dreams about him, Book." Andy had said sadly.  "Look, I ... I think you were wrong. I am so sorry, Booker. It was always Tosh not Ianto."</p>
<p>Booker had argued back but not with the same fervour as before. He was doubting himself.</p>
<p>"B, I need you to help find the body. They are all probably in body bags and it would damage our cover story of needing just any body if we look through too many. So I need you to use that connection you have with him to find the body."</p>
<p>Booker nodded grimly. </p>
<p>An assistant came back with the keys and they were in. </p>
<p>It took everything Tosh had not to run and vomit. So many bodies. Booker looked like he was having the same issue. </p>
<p>"Ok, let's focus, we can do this." Tosh said quietly. </p>
<p>Booker closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose with one hand. Then he moved with purpose to one of the bags. And with a shaking hand he unzipped it. </p>
<p>Tosh suppressed a gasp. Seeing Ianto dead was almost too much for her. Seeing his usually animated features so flat and sunken made her want to weep. Thankfully someone had closed his eyes so she didn't have to see his beautiful blue eyes that normally danced with life all dull and clouded. </p>
<p>Booker was doing even worse with keeping it together. He had to run to the garbage in the corner and throw up.  Tosh took a deep breath.</p>
<p>"This one will do." She said loudly, pushing any emotion from her voice. Then looked towards Booker retching in the corner.  “Don’t mind him, he’s just fresh out of medical school.  Don’t know what they are teaching them there these days. He’s good with computers though…”</p>
<p>Then she and a shaken Booker were gently moving Ianto on to their gurney and wheeling him to their waiting truck.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Sorry for the cliffhanger - the chapter just needed to end here.  Thanks for reading! I would love to hear what you think?</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0042"><h2>42. "I can't live forever without you"</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Booker is worried, Jack has regrets.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This chapter is set around the edges of "Children of Earth:  Day 5"</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Booker sat by the bed. Ianto's body remained lifeless. Tosh had sat with him at first as she frantically tried to get in touch with Jack or Gwen or anyone. The stress of that wore her out and when she received a news alert that the aliens were gone she had slipped away to sleep for a few hours.  It had been a long time, more than a day since they had rescued Ianto’s body, but Andy always told Booker that it took much longer to come back the first time. But she also said she didn't know if they could survive alien viruses.</p>
<p>When Booker felt him die and then when the rest of the team hadn’t felt anything, Booker had begun to doubt.  And now, watching Ianto’s body lying on the bed, he didn't know.  He just couldn’t believe that he had been wrong. But Ianto looked so dead. It all seemed so final.  His lips were blueish black and his hands had that wrinkled waxy consistency of flesh that no blood pumped through. </p>
<p>If he was wrong, how the fuck was Booker supposed to live without Ianto?  </p>
<p>*********************************** </p>
<p>Jack walked down the hallway and out of the building.  The sun was shining and somewhere birds were chirping. It seemed like a normal average day.  Like you almost couldn’t tell the world had ended. Because make no mistake, Jack’s world was over, smashed apart and in crumpled pieces all around him. </p>
<p>He didn’t know where he was going. Just away.  Away from that facility where he had… He couldn’t even think about it.  He’d done some horrible things in his too long life and this was the worst.  His own flesh and blood. A child and his mother who he hadn’t been able to pass his immortality on  to. So what the fuck good was it that he couldn’t die?  When he couldn’t have run the frequency through himself or found some other way…  </p>
<p>And then came the thought.  The thought that sent so much pain through his brain and body. The thought that made him drop to his knees and howl in anguish.  </p>
<p>Ianto would have found some other way.  </p>
<p>The man had the quickest brain that Jack had seen in a 21st century human. The look in those glowing blue eyes when Ianto  was working on a problem always cut directly to Jack’s soul.  </p>
<p>Ianto was loyal, beautiful, smart, devastatingly sexy and game for whatever new thing Jack wanted to try in bed, and he was loving.  Ianto loved Jack even though he wasn’t sure that feeling was returned.  He loved Jack even though Jack rarely deserved it. Jack had seen Ianto nearly tear the world apart to save the woman he loved. When Jack saw that he had immediately fallen for Ianto. He was awed by how unguarded and passionate Ianto was, even in the face of the monstrosity Lisa had become.  </p>
<p>And this train of thought twisted the knife even further for Jack because he knew if he was anything he was not loving.  Jack had loved Ianto, loved him with an intensity that terrified him. But he was not loving. Jack was a gentle and appreciative lover when he chose to be, which he usually did. But he was not loving. He had been unkind when Ianto had gotten too close. He had lashed out when he felt like he was starting to *need* Ianto.  And he had run away inside himself when Ianto hadd suggested that he wanted their relationship to be more serious.  </p>
<p>He had done all of that to try to keep Ianto out of his heart.  But he’d failed. Ianto was firmly lodged in there.  Would this have felt any worse if Jack had let him in, had - as that overly serious Frenchman Booker suggested - made the most of their time together?  No it wouldn’t have. He would still miss the smell of Ianto as he woke up in the morning, he would still miss the Ianto’s eye’s lit up when he talked about the Torchwood archives, he would still miss the sturdy and loving arms he often found himself in when he revived from yet another death, he would still miss those gorgeous Welsh vowels, he would still miss the groans and whimpers that Ianto made as Jack kissed all over his body, he would still miss the clever tongue, the exaggerated eye rolls, and the sweet smile. But he missed all those things already and now he also had to live with the fact that this beautiful and unique man, a man who was one in a million, went to his death without hearing the words “I love you”  from Jack.  If Jack lived for the rest of eternity he would not forgive himself for denying Ianto those words.  </p>
<p>He took some solace in the fact that Ianto and heard them from his other lover.  Booker never hesitated with an “I love you”.  Jack shuddered. He was going to have to tell Booker.  He assumed that Booker already knew because of their psychic connection. But he had promised Ianto.  Promised him when so sweetly and hesitantly Ianto had asked it of him. Booker was going to kill him over and over and over again for getting their mortal lover killed. </p>
<p>Jack picked himself up off the ground.  He had to be away from here.  He wasn’t sure where he would go. He decided on somewhere where he could drink his  face off.  He would call Booker tomorrow. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>**********************************</p>
<p>Suddenly, Sebastien heard a gasp and an intake of breath.   </p>
<p>“Ianto?!”  </p>
<p>Those glimmering blue eyes opened and it was no longer just a body on the bed, but it was Ianto.  </p>
<p>“Sebastien?” His voice was scratchy and unsteady.  </p>
<p>Booker was up from his chair and holding Ianto in his arms before he even knew what he was doing. </p>
<p>“Oh Ianto, you gave me such a scare.  It took so long and I began to doubt.  But no, you’re alive!”  </p>
<p>And they were kissing.  Teeth, tongues, lips all clashed together as they devoured each other.  It was frenzied and alive.  </p>
<p>“I love you!”  Booker said as they broke apart catching their breath. They were both crying. “I’m sorry for everything I did or didn’t do! I betrayed you when you were at your worst.  I lied to you. I thought… But Ianto I can’t be without you.  Please forgive me.  I can’t live forever without you. These past few days were torture enough.” </p>
<p>“Oh my Sebastien, I forgive you, of course I do. I love you too.  When I thought that I was leaving you forever… I couldn’t bear it, couldn’t bear abandoning you.  But wait… let me get my head around this.  I’m immortal?  I’m like you and Andy and all them?  Did you know all along?”</p>
<p>Booker looked down. “I wouldn’t say I knew, because no one else believed it.  They thought I was deluded.  And so I doubted myself.  But yes, I always suspected.  I think that’s why we started dreaming of each other.  Nicky and Joe dreamed of each other for years before they first met and their first death.”  </p>
<p>As if on cue Booker’s phone pinged.  It was a text from Andy.  “I had a dream.  Are you with him?  Is he okay? It looks like he’s in the London safehouse.  Booker I know I gave you a hard time but I am so happy that he’s one of us.” </p>
<p>“But why didn’t you… Oh, it was because of your doubts.  You didn’t want to give false hope that would lead to me acting reckless and then be wrong."</p>
<p>“I’m sorry.  I wanted to tell you.  So many times it was so hard to keep it from you.  But yes, the consequences could have been too great.”  </p>
<p>Ianto nodded.  “No, that’s right.  You made the right decision.”  </p>
<p>They just looked at each other.  Booker took Ianto’s hands in his.  </p>
<p>“I felt you die… It felt like my world was ending.” Booker said before he could stop himself.  “I know that this changes things.  I … I know it could quite change us.  And I know… I mean… I know I fucked things up for us back in Cardiff. I shouldn’t have left you, not when you were at your worst.  I know that’s unforgivable. But I am still… The world isn’t worth living in if you’re not in it. I am glad that I was right. And if you’re done with me because of the lies and the betrayal, I understand but I don’t know what… I just… please  forgive me.”</p>
<p>Ianto’s eyes were soft looking at him.  There was so much fondness and care in the gaze.   </p>
<p>“Sebastien, we both made mistakes.  Of course I forgive you. We need to talk about it.  But not right now.  Right now I just want to be near you and I want to feel you.  You have always comforted me just by being near." </p>
<p>Booker was crying. </p>
<p>“Have you told Jack yet?”  </p>
<p>“We don't have any way to contact him.   Also, he was arrested after… He’s out now but there was a lot going on.”  </p>
<p>Ianto let go of Booker’s hands and did that thing where he scratched the back of his head whilst thinking.  Booker had grown to love that little tick.</p>
<p>“Did he beat the 456?  What happened with the children?”  </p>
<p>“The 456 just went away.  We don’t know what exactly happened.”  </p>
<p>Ianto looked thoughtful but also sad.  </p>
<p>“We need to tell Jack and Gwen.  I think I can remember his new cell number, if he still has it. But… would it be cruel of me to wait a bit?  Just a few hours? I don’t think I can face Jack right now.”  </p>
<p>“Whatever you need. I can give you some space if you need time to adjust.”  Booker  went to get up but suddenly Ianto’s hand was gripping his arm in a vice like grip.  </p>
<p>“Please stay. Please.  Just for a little bit, you look exhausted and I know you need to sleep but I just need to be near you right now.  Just give me a few minutes. Sebastien if you leave me again I couldn't bear it. I am going to be better. I am going to put you first like you deserve. I realized as I was dying, I need to be around someone who… The way you look at me.  You have some much love in your eyes.  You make me feel cherished.  I…  I need that right now.  The last few days before I died were tense.  Tense between me and Jack, I mean. And I know I've been horrible to you but please stay. Sorry my brain is muddled, I’m not making much sense. Also, you keep saying we do you mean the other immortals?”  </p>
<p>Booker cupped Ianto’s face with his free hand.  He could get lost in those glittering blue eyes. </p>
<p>“You were nothing of the kind. You are so big hearted, I understood why you needed to be there to comfort Jack. And I don’t want to interfere with… you know, how things are.  But now that you said that, I don’t intend on letting you out of my sight for the next few weeks, years? However long you need it. And the we...”  </p>
<p>There was a knock at the door.</p>
<p>“There’s one more thing that I need to tell  you. Or well maybe we can show you?”  Booker said softly.  “Come in!  He’s awake!”  </p>
<p>There was a creek of the door as Tosh tentatively entered the room.  Ianto gasped.  </p>
<p>“It can’t be! Tosh, are you immortal too?”   </p>
<p>She nodded vigorously with tears in her eyes. </p>
<p> Ianto awkwardly got off the bed and rushed, rather clumsily, to Tosh.  They embraced, each gripping onto the other for dear life.  After what seemed like minutes they each pulled away slightly to look at each other, tears streaming down both of their faces.</p>
<p>“I missed you so much.  All the times I wanted to sit on the roof with you. I am so glad you’re okay.” Ianto said through his tears. “I am so so thankful.  I don’t want you to not be in my life.  I’ve tried life without my best friend and I hate it.”  </p>
<p>“I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you and I wouldn’t let Booker tell you.  It was hard... I was catatonic, I couldn’t even move. I have never felt like that before in my life.  Not even when I was in prison. I just couldn’t do anything. And I knew you’d want to come to me and I knew you were needed elsewhere. Saving the world and all that. But it was a mistake, I’m so sorry.”</p>
<p>“Oh Tosh, are you okay?”  </p>
<p>“I am now.  Booker and the others took good care of me. Especially Andy.  But Booker too.  He would sit beside me and just talk, mostly about you.  It soothed me.”  </p>
<p>They both turned to look at Booker.   </p>
<p>“Oh Sebastien!  I’m not surprised, he has that soothing effect on people. The world needs more Sebastien le Livres.”  </p>
<p>Booker blushed.  Ianto motioned towards Booker.  </p>
<p>“Come here, you need to be part of this hug too.”  </p>
<p>Booker joined them.  It felt so good to be holding them and being held by them.  </p>
<p>“Should I leave you two to catch up? I am sure you both have lots to talk to each other about.”  Booker asked.  </p>
<p>“I don’t want you out of my sight, but you also look exhausted.  Did you sleep at all whilst I was dead?”  </p>
<p>“No, not really.  I didn’t want to miss seeing you when you came back.”  </p>
<p>“Okay, I don’t want to send you away, but I don’t want you to keel over from exhaustion.  You have a nap and then when you’re rested you and I can talk.”</p>
<p>Booker smiled sleepily at Ianto. He didn’t want to be away from him but he could barely stand. </p>
<p>“Alright my love.  I will see you soon.”</p>
<p>Ianto grabbed Booker and kissed him passionately.  </p>
<p>“Okay, get some sleep my beautiful Belgian.”  Ianto said as he let him go.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0043"><h2>43. Reflection</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Tosh and Ianto talk.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>These last few chapters are not tied to any Torchwood episodes.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“I fucked up, Y.”  Tosh said, as they both leaned their backs against the wall and stretched their legs out on the bed. “I told Booker not to tell you about me.  I wasn’t thinking.  Or I was only thinking of myself.  I caused you a lot of pain, and… I worry I ruined things for you with Booker.” </p>
<p>“Oh T, no, it’s okay.  Thank you for apologizing. But somehow it doesn’t really matter now.  I was so fucked up after you died, but you’re here and Sebastien is here.  And all of it, all the hurt feelings and misunderstandings?  I know we can work them out.  We have so much time.  I need to have a serious talk with Sebastien and we need to work out some things… But that was coming before you died, in fact you were the one who told me to talk to him.  You didn’t ruin anything.” </p>
<p>“I caused you pain and heartache. I deeply regret my decision.”  </p>
<p>“Thank you, Tosh. But it’s in the past. I am just glad I have my best friend back.” </p>
<p>“I wish I had some green apple Hi-Chews for you.”  Tosh said after awhile.</p>
<p>“Once I get used to being alive again I will make you some Jasmine tea.”  </p>
<p>“It’s weird, right? Knowing you can’t die?  I still haven’t gotten used to how it feels. Coming back I mean.”  </p>
<p>Ianto lifted his head from the wall and looked at Tosh with concern.  </p>
<p>“How many times have you died since the original…  Were you in danger?”  </p>
<p>Tosh looked down.  “I don’t want you to feel bad about this because it was a horrible time.  You didn’t know, you couldn’t know.  But, I came back when I was in the crypt.  There isn’t any air in those boxes so I would come back to life, suffocate and die, and then come back to life and it would all repeat again.”  </p>
<p>“Oh no! Tosh!  I am so sorry.  If the crypt actually existed still I would install cameras or at least motion detectors.”  </p>
<p>“I saw the rubble.  I am so sorry.  That must have been excruciating.  Knowing that Jack was literally in pieces.”  </p>
<p>“I was beside myself Tosh.  Gwen and I barely got out with our lives.  They were shooting at us as we tried to escape the rubble.  There was no time to save anything.  I think about my physical archives sometimes.  All of those things unearthed.  Not to mention the bodies. All the Torchwood people who gave their lives for that place, ripped out of the ground. How are they going to cover that up?  But the Jack thing.  It was horrible.  They pulled bits of him out.  He had to regrow himself from just a few body parts.  I can’t imagine how painful that must have been.”  </p>
<p>“I’m so sorry.  I should have come back sooner.  I could have helped with the Daleks.”</p>
<p>“Oh but Tosh!  You did! That containment field you built saved both of our lives!”  </p>
<p>“I’m glad! I just… You know, I suddenly understood what Tommy went through.  I just could not move myself. We all survived so much.  I don’t know why I broke then but I did. I failed you all.”</p>
<p>Ianto put his hand in Tosh’s.  </p>
<p>“T, it’s okay. And I’m so sorry about Owen. I know losing him must have been really hard.”</p>
<p>“I lost him so many times.  You know, it’s funny.  Our cohort of Torchwood just has a lot of problems with dying!  Suzie died multiple times, Owen too.  And then you and me, we’re going to die over and over again.”  </p>
<p>“You’re right.”  </p>
<p>“I don’t know.  Maybe it was knowing that I was immortal that broke me.  I could deal with it all when it had an end date. But knowing it would just go on and on.  I just couldn’t do anything anymore.  I literally lay in bed and watched the ceiling.” </p>
<p>“I’m so sorry.  I wish I could have been there for you.”</p>
<p>“You were needed more elsewhere, Ianto.  We have all the rest of time or however long this inability to die lasts to hold each other up when we get low.  You know, Booker was so kind to me. I think partially because Andy, Nicky and Joe were all a little sick of him talking about you. He could talk about you all he wanted to me.  I liked it, it made me happy that someone valued you the way you deserve.  But anyway, when he first told me that he thought you were immortal.  There was like, something, a lightening in my chest.  The pressure that made my limbs feel heavy and paralysed me, it started to loosen a bit.  I think I could face immortality if I had my best friend to talk to through it."</p>
<p>Ianto started to cry again. </p>
<p>“Tosh, I am so glad you’re okay. You are the sweetest.” </p>
<p>Tosh squeezed his hand.</p>
<p>“Best friends forever?”  </p>
<p>“Best friends forever!” </p>
<p>They grinned at each other. </p>
<p>“And, I know how you feel.  Dying, it really changes you.  My whole perspective is different.  I just… It’s so much harder to motivate myself right now.  Maybe that’s why Andy and them never help us at Torchwood?  Of course Jack is immortal and he still keeps going on.”  Ianto turned to Tosh.  “Tosh, I don’t know if I can do it anymore.”  </p>
<p>“Fighting aliens?” </p>
<p>“No, I can always do that.  I don’t know if I can do the thing with Jack.”</p>
<p>“You mentioned tension?  What happened Ianto? Did he hurt you? I can hunt him down.” </p>
<p>“No, nothing like that.  I mean, well maybe.  But it wasn’t anything intentional.  Jack is… He’s so closed off.  Did you know he had a wife and daughter and she has a son?”  </p>
<p>“No.  I had no idea.  I mean, he’s lived a long time.”  </p>
<p>“Yeah that’s it exactly.  He’s had so many lives.  He never told me that he had a child.  He also never told me that he’d dealt with the 456 before.” </p>
<p>Ianto explained Jack’s role in delivering the children.  </p>
<p>“Oh Ianto!  That’s a very big secret to keep.”  </p>
<p>“That’s what I said.  It must have eaten him up. But he never said a word about it to me. And like I said to him, I tell him everything.  He knows all my secrets.  But he only told me little snippets here and there.”  </p>
<p>Ianto ran his free hand through his hair and scratched his neck.  </p>
<p>“And you know… like I know I need to find him.  Right now, I need to get in touch with him.  I need to tell him that both of us are alive.  But I don’t want to.  I don’t know, it’s not because I want him to suffer. But he’s going to suffer anyway. Because what’s agonizing him right now, it’s not grief, it’s guilt.  He feels responsible for sending all of us to our deaths. And I don’t want his guilt.  I don’t want him to feel responsible for my death, even if he was.  I want him to grieve for me.  I want him to miss the smell of my skin, the way I smiled at him in Hub when he walked by.  I want him to feel like he’ll never find another lover who makes him feel like I did. I want him to hear a dumb joke or have a ridiculous run-in with a weevil and think, “Oh I can’t wait to tell Ianto about this..” only to remember that he can’t. I want him to miss me because he loved me not because my death reminds him that he will outlive everyone and that all he can bring to his employees is death.”  </p>
<p>Tears were streaming down Ianto’s face.  Tosh handed him one of her handkerchiefs. </p>
<p>“I’m sorry.  And I know what you’re thinking.  I have Sebastien. Why do I want something from Jack that he’ll never give me?  Sebastien gives me so much love.  Sometimes he looks at me with utter amazement like he can’t believe he was lucky enough to meet me.  And I feel that way about him. I love him so much I can’t even stand it.  I think about him all the time. When he was off in Malta it hurt, like physically hurt, that I couldn’t touch him.  But yet as much as I love him.  I still can’t get over this Jack thing.  I don’t know, it’s like the more he said things like ‘I hate the word couple’ or the more he kept things from me.  The more I wanted those things with him. It’s so stupid. </p>
<p>"It's not stupid, Ianto. But... I don't want you to hurt Booker. He doesn't want all of you. He's ok with sharing you with Jack. But he's terrified that you will leave him. He thinks that once Jack knows you are immortal all the issues he has will end."</p>
<p>"Clearly he doesn't know Jack. But also, that hurts me because does he really think that little of me?  That I would leave this man who ignites my soul, who calms me like no one I have ever met. That I would throw that away just because Jack wants a relationship?" </p>
<p>"I understand Ianto. But the poor man, his self esteem is very low. I’m just saying you need to give him some reassurances." </p>
<p>"Thank you. I will. I understand why he doubts me. I chose Jack over him after you died. Jack was so beyond fucked up because of you and Owen and the stuff with Gray. I couldn’t just run off. But now, I don’t know, I really need to work through what I feel for Jack. This feels like a big break. This one is going to be hard to work through with him. I think it will take years." </p>
<p>"Oh Ianto, I am so sorry.  I know you've been pining for him since I first met you. This is all such a lot." </p>
<p>"I know but dying for unrequited love tends to put a bit of a damper on things." </p>
<p>"Also, do you know that it was unrequited? Or just that he never said anything?  You said there was tension?"</p>
<p>"After you and Owen... died, after the stuff with Gray, him being buried for thousands of years, he was so different. He wanted to be around me all the time. He was so affectionate. I got used to it. I got to really like it. But then, then I guess he finished grieving and he went to the same old Jack." </p>
<p>Ianto sighed and leaned his head back against the wall.</p>
<p>"He got mad if anyone called us a couple, he made a point of going off places without saying where he was going. It was hard. I missed the sad Jack. And that made me feel terrible. Like, do I only like him when he's depressed? Then when... just before..." </p>
<p>His voice cracked.</p>
<p>Tosh rubbed his shoulder sympathetically.</p>
<p>"When he told me about the 456 it was like something broke in my brain. I had to prove something to him. I didn't think of the consequences. But then, I never do. None of us do." </p>
<p>"We can't or we'd never be able to keep coming to work." Tosh agreed. </p>
<p>"I just... I feel like I died because I was trying to make Jack be something he isn't. It was a stupid, a stupid, stupid death. And it isn't his fault. But I can't keep that dynamic up for eternity." </p>
<p>"And you shouldn't." </p>
<p>"I know. And I won't. I have to change the dynamic if I  want him in my life. But right now, I don't want to do that hard work."</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thanks for reading! I would love to hear what you think.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0044"><h2>44. "He's better at the comforting stuff"</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Ianto tells Jack he's alive. Ianto and Booker talk.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Sebastien was still asleep, Ianto assumed and Tosh had gone to take a nap. Ianto had taken a shower and changed into the pajama bottoms and a t-shirt that Tosh left for him.  He was going to have to throw out his suit.  It smelled like death and fear. Another remnant of surviving yet another alien massacre in London. He just couldn't think about that right now. He knew he wasn't really dealing with it yet. It was too much, dying, coming back, being immortal. His brain just wouldn't go there yet. </p>
<p>Ianto walked into the kitchen. It was small but functional. He noticed a half full bag of his favourite kind of coffee beans. That would have been Sebastien who brought those. It made him smile to think of Sebastien buying his favourite kind of beans to feel closer to Ianto when he drank the coffee. And so he set about doing the one thing that always made him calm in a world of uncertainty: he made coffee. </p>
<p>The coffee was just about ready when a delightfully sleep-tousled Booker padded into the kitchen.  Ianto’s heart swelled.  The man was so beautiful.  </p>
<p>Ianto - almost without thinking - was instantly in Sebastien’s arms.  He snuggled his face into the crook of Sebastiens’s neck and shoulder.  Sebastien gripped him back. He was so warm and so deliciously alive.  </p>
<p>“My love.” Sebastien said into his hair. “I have some… I have to tell you something that you might not want to hear but I don’t want to not tell you.”  </p>
<p>Ianto looked up and pulled back a little in alarm. “Is something wrong?  Are you okay?”  </p>
<p>“I’m fine, don’t worry about me.  It’s… I know you don’t want to deal with this right now but, well, Jack called me.”   </p>
<p>“Oh,  oh, of course he did.”  Ianto said.  “I asked him, once, if I die in action for him to call and tell you.  I knew you would know already but I wanted… I thought maybe you could comfort each other?  I don’t mean that I was trying to set you up or anything.  But I just thought, well, you both understand loss.”  </p>
<p>Sebastien cupped Ianto’s face delicately in his hands.   </p>
<p>“You are such a beautiful and gentle soul. Anyway, I didn’t talk to him, I was asleep.  He left a message.  I… I know you have really complicated feelings about what happened and I just thought you should listen to it.  The message I mean.”  </p>
<p>“Ok.” </p>
<p>Booker handed him the phone.  </p>
<p>"Uh, Booker, this is, well you know who this is. And imagine you know why I'm calling. You have that weird psychic connection with him."</p>
<p>Jack's voice was small and robotic. Ianto's heart instantly broke for him.</p>
<p>"Booker, I ... I don't know... I guess I am just calling to confirm that Ianto is dead."</p>
<p>Jack's voice cracked.</p>
<p>"I know you probably hate me. He was really brave when he... He stood up to them. But in the end... I never should have let him come with me. Look, I don't even know why I am calling. I mean I do know. He made me promise to tell you if something happened to him. I hope you... I'm sorry. I just can't." </p>
<p>And the message ended. </p>
<p>Ianto scratched the back of his head. </p>
<p>"I have to let him know. Can you call him back? And can you tell him? It would be too much of a shock if I just started talking." </p>
<p>"Of course, mon trésor." </p>
<p>Sebastien took the phone and hit the call button. Ianto poured them both some coffee.</p>
<p>Would Jack even answer? Or was he off fucking his pain away.</p>
<p>"Uh, Jack? Yeah, yeah, this is Booker. I got your call. I am so sorry.  Look, Jack, I have to tell you something. Can you talk now? Ok. Yeah, so... No Jack, I am not going to hunt you down and kill you repeatedly. Jack, please don't blame yourself. Jack, I know how hard this is for... Look Jack can I finish a sentence, please? Thank you. So the thing is... Yes, yes he does have the bluest eyes I've ever seen. Jack... No I understand, that's rough. I am sure he knows you felt it. Jack please...." </p>
<p>Sebastien looked so frustrated. Clearly Jack was monologuing. Ianto motioned for Sebastien to give him the phone and he handed Sebastien a cup of coffee. </p>
<p>"Jack, I'm alive. It turns out  I'm immortal like Sebastien." He said into the phone. There was silence. He sat in one of the kitchen chairs. </p>
<p>"Jack?"</p>
<p>And then the sound of Jack weeping. </p>
<p>"If this is some sort of alien trick..." Jack choked out. </p>
<p>"No, Jack it is me. You must recognize those beautiful Welsh vowels. I'm immortal. That's why I have the psychic link with Sebastien." </p>
<p>"Oh, wait... Tell me something you only told me."  Jack's voice was skeptical.</p>
<p>"My father broke my leg because he pushed me too hard on the swings." </p>
<p>"Tell me something I only told you."</p>
<p>Before Ianto could stop himself, he said: "You didn't tell me anything secret. I don't know, Flat Holm?"</p>
<p>There was the sound of crying again. </p>
<p>"I'm sorry Jack. That was mean."</p>
<p>"Ianto, I was horrible to you. I did value you. I mean, I do. I.... I do love you, in my way. I will never forgive myself for not telling you that before you died. I should never let you come to Thames House with me.  I know you were trying to prove something to me. I should have made you feel more valued."</p>
<p>Jack's voice was now actively ripping his heart out. </p>
<p>"Jack... I know. I know you love me. You showed me, even if you didn't tell me. Please don't torture yourself Jack. I chose to go in all guns blazing without thinking it through just as much as you did. I always knew the risks of working for Torchwood." </p>
<p>"Will you... I mean can you forgive me?" </p>
<p>"Jack, yes. You are who you are and I never wanted to change you. We both made a lot of mistakes. But... I have a lot of feelings to work out about this. I need to change some things. I need some time."</p>
<p>"I understand. Do you want me to tell Gwen? She'll want to know. And what about Rhiannon?" </p>
<p>Ianto sighed. "Yes, can you please tell them. I should call them at some point. But I have only been alive again for two hours and I just need to sort some things in my head."</p>
<p>Suddenly he felt powerful hands on his shoulders. Rubbing, massage all the pain and exhaustion. Sebastien was so good at this. </p>
<p>"I understand. Look. I can't bear to tell you how we got rid of the 456 on the phone. But Ianto, it's bad." </p>
<p>"Oh, Jack. I am so sorry. I am sure you did the best in a terrible situation." </p>
<p>"You don’t… It’s… I should go. I need to just… I mean, you know, I need to go run away for a bit. But I... I am so glad you are alive. And I’m glad you’re with Booker. He’s better at the comforting stuff. And well you have my number...."</p>
<p>"Yeah." </p>
<p>"Alright. Goodbye for now Ianto."</p>
<p>"Goodbye."</p>
<p>Ianto put Sebastien's phone down and leaned his head back and closed his eyes as Sebastien continued to massage his shoulders. </p>
<p>"He’s just so Jack.” Ianto said with frustration. He tried to push it out of his mind. And it was like Sebastien’s hands gave him something to focus on, soothing all of his pain and frustration. </p>
<p>“How do you do it?" Ianto asked. "How do you always know to do the exact right thing that soothes me?" </p>
<p>"The psychic connection?" Sebastien suggested.</p>
<p>Ianto immediately opened his eyes and raised his head.</p>
<p>"No."</p>
<p>Sebastien's hands stilled on his shoulders and he removed them. Suddenly full of energy, Ianto stood up and turned to face Sebastien.</p>
<p>"I don't think it is that." </p>
<p>He put his hands on Sebastien's shoulders. </p>
<p>"It's just you. You listen, you watch, you think about what the right thing to do is. Yes, we're psychically connected but it's more than that. It's you. You're a good person and when you love someone you focus in on them." </p>
<p>Sebastien blushed a little. </p>
<p>"I love you so much Sebastien." </p>
<p>Sebastien leaned in and kissed Ianto. </p>
<p>Ianto moaned.  “Sebastien, I missed you, I missed talking to you, I missed your body, I missed your mouth on me.  And as much as I want to pull you into a room and make you fuck my brains out,  we need to talk about some things first.” </p>
<p>“Yes, my love, we should have talked before this.  I am sorry, I regret that so deeply.”  </p>
<p>Ianto put his hands on Sebastien’s shoulders.  “Hey, no regrets.  We’ve got time to make it right.” </p>
<p>Sebastien led Ianto into his room.  Once inside Sebastien turned and locked the door. </p>
<p>"Andy, Joe and Nicky are on their way here to meet you. I just don't want them barging in on us." </p>
<p>Ianto suddenly felt awkward. He sat on the bed. </p>
<p>"What if they don't like me? I mean, Andy and Jack hate each other." </p>
<p>Sebastien sat on the bed beside Ianto. </p>
<p>"Have you met you?" Sebastien asked. "They will love you." </p>
<p>“I dunno.”  </p>
<p>“Anyway, we can worry about them later, we need to talk about things.”  </p>
<p>Ianto nodded. “Look, Sebastien, I just want to preface this by saying, I am not going to leave you. The only way you can get rid of me is if you don’t want to be with me.” </p>
<p>“As if that will ever happen.” Sebastien replied. </p>
<p>Ianto smiled.  “I feel the same way.  But I need to say this. I need you to know this isn’t a preface to breaking up with you, but Sebastien, you hurt me.  I was devastated when you left after Tosh died.  I know why you did it, and I understand what you were feeling.  But it hurt.  It also hurt that you thought that my love for you was so fleeting that Jack changing in some way would destroy it.  Do you not understand how deeply you are in my soul?  The way our hearts are so tightly wrapped around each other so that if you take yours back mine will be ripped to shreds? Jack could bring me flowers every day, yell his love for me from those rooftops he loves to stand on, tell everyone we meet that we’re in a relationship, and it wouldn’t change the way I feel about you or the amount that I love you.  It kills me that you thought so little of me.”  </p>
<p>Ianto was crying and Sebastien was crying.</p>
<p>“I am so sorry, my love. I just got so twisted in my head. I… I am not going to offer excuses, none would be of any use to you. I will simply say I am so sorry and I will do better.” </p>
<p>Ianto looked at Sebastien and put a hand on his cheek.  “You don’t need to make it up to me.  I needed to tell you so I can get it off my chest.  I forgive you.  And I have to admit, I understand how you could think this when I kept putting Jack first. And I kept going back to him after he hurt me. I know how frustrating that was for you, especially when you could feel everything that I was feeling. You were justified in doubting me.  But it just hurt.”  </p>
<p>“Oh Ianto, I hated to see him treat you like that but only because you it was unfair to you.  I am not jealous of Jack but I am angry at how he treated you. I would be so happy if he made you happy.  I can’t apologize for the fact that seeing someone hurt my Ianto makes me want to smash things. And yet, I didn’t blame you for going back to him.  He was desperate and he needed you. I feel how much you love him. I love that you love him so strongly. That you are so incredibly full of love.  I just wanted him to be better. I want him to deserve you.”</p>
<p>“I think I was disgusted with myself for going back to him over and over again and I projected that onto you. I’m am so sorry. We both made so many assumptions when we should have talked to each other.”</p>
<p>Sebastien put his hand over Ianto’s hand on his cheek, his eyes glowed with love. “But we’re okay now, right? And we won’t let it get like that again?  We’ll talk instead of assuming?” </p>
<p>“Yes.  And Sebastien, I… if you’ll have me, I don’t ever want to live in a different city from you. I know you move around a lot for work but I can’t bear to be in a different city all the time.  I want to fall asleep beside you and I want to wake up in your arms.”</p>
<p>“I have wanted the same thing since I met you.” </p>
<p>"And also, I am sorry to be so heavy, but I need to put all my cards on the table. Right now, I need space from Jack. I need to think about who I am without Jack. But my life is going to be long. I know that I will find my way back to Jack. I want, I've always wanted, to be with both of you. Can you be ok with that? Is it fair to ask this of you?" </p>
<p>"Of course, my love! When you are happy it makes me so happy. I want him to give you what you want. I hope that he can find his way back to you. I will welcome that. I hope that almost losing you has made him do some soul searching."</p>
<p>“Sebastien, you are one in a million. I’m glad we talked, but my love, right now I want to do something else.”  Ianto blushed as he spoke, Sebastien grinned as he got Ianto’s meaning. </p>
<p>"Of course." </p>
<p>"I just need you to take my mind off of all of this."</p>
<p>“There is nothing I would rather do.”  Sebastien leaned in and kissed Ianto sweetly on the mouth. Ianto had missed this so much. He put his hands to Sebastien’s face, reveling in the feel of Sebastien’s stubble, rememorizing every inch of his face.</p>
<p>When they broke the kiss Sebastien reached down and pulled off Ianto’s shirt and then his own shirt.  </p>
<p>Sebastien moved behind Ianto and moved himself so that Ianto's back was snug against his chest. Ianto could feel Sebastien's erection pushing into his back, like a promise. Sebastien knew he wanted to take this slow. </p>
<p>Ianto leaned back into Sebastien and let his head fall back against Sebastien's shoulder. Sebastien was kissing and licking his neck. </p>
<p>I love you," he said, as he lightly smoothed the tips of his fingers across Ianto's chest, "It is horrifying to think of how close I came to losing you."</p>
<p>Ianto arched into Sebastien's touch, reveling in the slow unhurried pleasure. He ran his hands along Sebastien's legs and thighs. </p>
<p>"Are you ok, mon amour? The first death is always the hardest, but it never gets easy."</p>
<p>Sebastien's hands were everywhere on Ianto's chest.  Ianto gasped as Sebastien squeezed each of his nipples between his calloused thumb and forefinger.  Sebastien was gentle and insistent at the same time. Ianto could feel Sebastien's breath on the side of his face.</p>
<p>"I will be. Right now… it hasn't hit me really. I can see it but it's like it all happened to another person. I don't feel it yet." </p>
<p>"It's ok, my love. You have time. I am here and I can help you through it." </p>
<p>Sebastien flexed his fingers so that he lightly scratched Ianto's chest with his blunt nails.  Ianto was impossibly hard which his light cotton pyjama bottoms did nothing to hide. </p>
<p>He ground his ass into Sebastien's erection and was rewarded by a low and throaty moan in his ear. </p>
<p>“Are you ready my love?” Sebastien asked. </p>
<p>“Yes Sebastien, please, I need to feel this… I need to feel you.” <br/>Sebastien's hands slid down to Ianto's waist. One skipped into Ianto's pants and encircled his cock. Ianto cried out. It had been so long. He'd forgotten the unique feel of Sebastien's calloused hands on his cock. The way they completely undid him and turned him into panting putty. He had thought he would never feel this again.  There was a moment, when he and Jack were driving to Thames House when he thought about how he would probably die and how he would never feel Sebastien’s gentle touch again. </p>
<p>Ianto arched his back pushing his shoulders into Sebastien and grinding even harder into Sebastien's very hard cock behind him. He gripped Sebastien's legs so hard he was afraid he would leave bruises. But then remembered that immortals don't bruise. </p>
<p>Ianto moaned. "You're like a witch. Or a sorcerer." </p>
<p>"You give me a lot to work with. Jesus, Ianto, do you have any ideas how much your body and your so soul inspires me? I spend too much of my days thinking about disgusting and dirty things I want to do to you." Sebastien rasped into Ianto's ear. </p>
<p>Sebastien's hand was tighter now as he pumped his fist. Ianto writhed against him. His brain was short circuiting a bit as his whole body started to tingle and he could feel his orgasm building.</p>
<p>"My love, I'm close." </p>
<p>"Are you going to come for me, Ianto? I want to feel you lose control in my hand."</p>
<p>And that was it. Ianto cried out as everything in his body sang. He felt like he was glowing as he came harder than he ever had before. </p>
<p>He felt completely boneless and slumped against Sebastien as he tried to catch his breath. </p>
<p>"Mon amour... You are incredible."</p>
<p>Sebastien gently moved and guided Ianto to a lying position.</p>
<p>"I just need a few minutes. Then.. I can... Yeah." </p>
<p>He held his hand out to Sebastien who was cleaning his hand and taking his pants off. </p>
<p>Ianto's mouth watered at the sight of Sebastien's swollen and glistening cock.</p>
<p>Sebastien took his hand and stroked it. He sat on the bed beside Ianto. </p>
<p>"We should probably take these off, yeah?"</p>
<p>Sebastien gently pulled on Ianto's pyjama bottoms. Ianto raised his hips to allow Sebastien to pull them off. </p>
<p>"You are so beautiful." Sebastien said breathlessly. </p>
<p>Ianto sat up with some effort. He cupped Sebastien's face with one hand. </p>
<p>"What did I do right to bring someone into my life like you?"</p>
<p>Sebastien grinned. "Somewhere in your youth or childhood, you must have done something good."</p>
<p>"Really?" Ianto laughed. "The Sound of Music?"</p>
<p>"Well nothing from the Buffy musical seems appropriate at this moment."</p>
<p>Ianto leaned in and kissed him. </p>
<p>"You're such a nerd, Sebastien." Ianto said as the foreheads pressed together. </p>
<p>Sebastien moved so he was straddling Ianto's legs. </p>
<p>"I am that. But you love it." </p>
<p>“Yes, I do.” </p>
<p>He ran his hands down Ianto's chest, pausing to squeeze each of his nipples. A jolt of pleasure coursed through Ianto. He moaned.</p>
<p>Sebastien grinned at him conspiratorially. </p>
<p>"You know what they don't tell you about immortality?" </p>
<p>"I mean, well, anything." Ianto deadpanned.</p>
<p>"True. But also, no one talks about the shortened refractory period." Sebastien waggled his eyebrows ridiculously. He reached down and skimmed his fingers across Ianto's already stiffening cock. </p>
<p>Ianto kissed him again, more aggressive this time, plunging his tongue into Sebastien's mouth. Sebastien moved his hands to Ianto's shoulders, pulling him closer. </p>
<p>"Just a sec." Sebastien panted as he reached for the desk beside the bed and pulled out lube and condoms.</p>
<p>"Are you going to fuck me now, Mr. Le Livre?" Ianto said as coquettishly as he could. </p>
<p>Sebastien pulled away slightly, ripped the condom package open with his teeth.</p>
<p>"Here, let me." Ianto took the condom from Sebastien. </p>
<p>Sebastien's cock was impossibly hard and already leaking precum. He whimpered in ecstasy as Ianto slid the condom on.</p>
<p>Sebastien gently pushed Ianto back onto the mattress and pulled his legs up. </p>
<p>"Aaaaaaashhh." Ianto cried out as Sebastien began to massage lube around and into his hole. </p>
<p>It occurred to Ianto that he and Sebastien had never done this before. It made him even harder to think about.  And then the exquisite burn as Sebastien entered him. He fisted his hands in the sheets and arched his back. </p>
<p>"Fuck, Ianto. You feel so good inside. I've wanted to do this for ages." Sebastien gritted out as he began to thrust into Ianto. </p>
<p>Ianto could only grunt incoherently. Sebastien was filling him up, making him whole. </p>
<p>And then, Sebastien had a hand around his waist and pulled Ianto up so he was sitting. Their faces were level and Ianto was hypnotized by Sebastien's gaze. They looked at each other with love and trust. The angle was weird and not as direct but looking into Sebastien's eyes made Ianto burn up inside. Soon they were both coming with a yell. </p>
<p>Later after they cleaned up, Ianto lay in Sebastien's arms. Sebastien idly played with Ianto's hair whilst Ianto traced a finger along Sebastien's chest.</p>
<p>"Do you want to talk about it?" Sebastien asked, his voice full of care. </p>
<p>"Do you mean my death? Or the Jack thing?"</p>
<p>"It sounds like they are connected. I know what you told Jack. But do you blame him for your death?"</p>
<p>Ianto sighed. How to even answer that? But he owed Sebastien the truth.</p>
<p>"Not really? I went to Thames House because it's my job. It's what we do. We stand up to aliens and protect Earth. And yes, I had something to prove. I wanted to be good enough to earn his trust. I wanted to be his confidant. I thought I could do that by helping him defeat the 456. But even if things were good between us, I would have gone."</p>
<p>Sebastien kissed the top of his head.  </p>
<p>“The world is lucky to have you.”  </p>
<p>“Well, I don’t know.  But anyway, I don’t blame him for my death.  But… I have a lot of complicated feelings about how he acted towards me leading up to my death and now he’s back to running away.  It was like trying to get blood from a stone.  I tried so hard to get through to him, to make him acknowledge what we had, what we were to each other.  He never said it but I know he loved me.  But I am mad at him. I’m mad that he threw me crumbs of his attention and then regretted it when he thought I was gone and now I’m back and he’s running. He was cruel to me. I understand why and I will get over it.  But the worst thing is that I took it.  I had other options, I didn’t need him.  But I stood there and took it because I so desperately wanted him to be the good person I know he is.  So on some level it’s not about him at all.  But there are a lot of feelings there that I need to sort through.  And I guess I just want to avoid him for awhile whilst I do that.</p>
<p>“That’s fair, mon amour.” </p>
<p>Ianto snuggled closer to Sebastien. He would think about all the things: Jack, immortality, fitting in to the Old Guard but not until tomorrow. Today he just focused on Sebastien’s heartbeat and the warmth of his body and he slipped into a peaceful sleep.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thanks for reading!  I would love to hear what you think.  Only two more chapters left.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0045"><h2>45. Meetings and conflict</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Ianto meets the Old Guard.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Ianto fidgeted in his chair. Booker could feel nerves radiating off of him. He reached for one of Ianto's hands and linked his fingers with Ianto's.</p>
<p>"So how are you feeling?" Andy asked after several moments of awkward silence. </p>
<p>"I am fine physically. Mentally? It hasn’t really hit me. Do you normally bounce back right away after each..."</p>
<p>"It depends," Nicky answered. "If the death was very... extreme, it can take some time to heal." </p>
<p>"It's kind of a terrible feeling, coming back, but you get used to it." Joe said as  he looked lovingly at Nicky. "It helps if you have someone to be there with you." </p>
<p>Nicky's eyes sparkled. "Which it looks like you do." He said as he looked at Booker meaningfully. </p>
<p>Ianto blushed. Booker just wanted to rip all of his clothes off when he did that. </p>
<p>"Yes, I... I do, don't I?" He looked at Booker and Booker wanted to lean in and kiss him. Ianto's blue eyes brimmed with love. </p>
<p>Out of the corner of his eye Booker could see Andy roll her eyes. </p>
<p>"Don't want to break up this lovefest but I have some questions for you that you might not like, Ianto." </p>
<p>Ianto's eyes immediately dulled as he looked to Andy. </p>
<p>"Of course, please ask me anything." </p>
<p>"Does Captain Fuckboy know you're immortal? Are you going to go crawling back to him? I'm assuming you died because of one of his hairbrained schemes." </p>
<p>Booker felt Ianto stiffen immediately. His eyes were now ice.</p>
<p>"I have informed Jack." </p>
<p>Joe and Nicky looked helplessly between Ianto and Andy. And then both looked pleadingly at Booker and Tosh. </p>
<p>"Andy, Jesus, have some compassion. Ianto has been through a lot. And Jack is just trying to do his best." </p>
<p>"Torchwood," Ianto said slowly as if working very hard to keep the emotion out of his voice. "is very short staffed at the moment. I will thank you not to condemn a man who has single handedly been keeping the Earth safe for the last hundred years. Perhaps if you joined Torchwood when Jack invited you, he wouldn't have to risk the lives of so many mortal staff." </p>
<p>Andy looked like she was going to throw a punch. </p>
<p>"Fuck, you're really far gone on that worthless asshole aren't you? It’s like you’re determined to break Booker’s heart."</p>
<p>Before Ianto could even open his mouth to respond both Booker and Tosh were on their feet staring Andy down. </p>
<p>"Andy, you were very kind to me in the past but if you feel the need to keep saying bullshit like this, I am going to have to ask you to leave." Tosh said. She was so angry she was shaking. </p>
<p>“My heart is fine Andy. You don’t know what you’re talking about.”  Booker seethed. </p>
<p>Andy glared at them. </p>
<p>Without realizing they were doing it, Booker and Tosh had moved closer together to partially shield Ianto. </p>
<p>"Fine, whatever. I'm going for a walk." Andy said as she stormed out.</p>
<p>"Believe it or not," Joe said. He looked sadly at Ianto. "she has a good heart. She's got a lot of anger though." </p>
<p>"That's no excuse to treat people like she does." Booker shot back. He had sat down again and had put a protective arm around Ianto's shoulder.</p>
<p>"I am sorry that I provoked her." Ianto was looking down at his hands in his lap. </p>
<p>“You didn’t provoke her.” Tosh said.</p>
<p>“I did though. Just by existing. She’s really mad about Torchwood and Jack. And I did put you through a lot, Sebastien.”</p>
<p>Booker shook his head and kissed Ianto’s forehead.  </p>
<p>“Oh habibi, no.  It’s just… Andy is very stubborn.” Joe explained. “She takes awhile to get used to things.  But she’s always very loyal to all of us.  She’ll come around. I think she feels a bit guilty for not helping.”  </p>
<p>“I don’t care how she feels. Ianto is one of us now and she cannot treat him like he’s garbage because he loves Jack.” Booker gritted out.</p>
<p>“I understand why she’s mad.” Ianto admitted. “It’s serious bad blood between her and Jack. And she sees me as Jack’s toady. And honestly, she’s not wrong. At least before I died I was. And I do keep going back to him.”  </p>
<p>Both Booker and Tosh opened their mouths to protest.  </p>
<p>“No, it’s true.” Ianto insisted. “I was. I have to work through a lot of that. I will never go back to that. I will never blindly follow him again.  And that's my issue to work through. But my unhealthy dynamic with him doesn’t mean he’s not right some of the time. I’ll follow him when he’s right but I will walk away when he’s not.”  </p>
<p>"I can try to talk to her." Tosh volunteered. "I think we can work this out. I mean I know it will take time but we have lots of that."</p>
<p>Ianto got up and went to the kitchen.  Booker followed him, he guessed that he was going to make coffee.  </p>
<p>“My love, I am so sorry.” </p>
<p>“It’s not for you to apologize Booker, you know that. I… She’s right, I did make things really hard for you.”  Ianto was robotically getting the coffee ready.  Booker detected a slight shake to his hands. </p>
<p>“You know that we’re good. Don’t listen to what she says.”</p>
<p>Ianto nodded but didn’t look at Booker. </p>
<p>“Do you want me to stay with you right now or give you some room?”  </p>
<p>Ianto turned around and smiled at Booker.  “Thank you.  I think I just need to make some coffee and think a bit by myself.”  </p>
<p>Booker went over to Ianto and kissed him gently on the cheek.  “I’ll be in the living room. Call if you need me.”  </p>
<p>Ianto nodded.  </p>
<p>Joe and Nicky looked very worried as Booker walked in.  </p>
<p>“Oh Book, I don’t know what’s up with her.  But this is extreme even for her.” Nicky said.  </p>
<p>“He’s not even been immortal for a full day.  What is she thinking? She knows how hard it is.” Joe agreed.  </p>
<p>There was a clatter in the kitchen followed by a stream of what Booker assumed was Welsh profanity.  </p>
<p>“Should we?” </p>
<p>“I think he wants to just express his anger alone. We’ve got lots of mugs if he breaks a few.”  Booker said.</p>
<p>“Joe and I are going to crossfit later, maybe he would like to come and get out some of that righteous anger?”  </p>
<p>Booker smiled, Joe and Nicky were making an effort in their way.  “I think it would be lovely for you to ask him.” </p>
<p>Then the cursing stopped and he felt Ianto needing him. Booker rushed into the kitchen. Ianto was sitting against the wall sobbing. A broken coffee cup beside him.</p>
<p>"I broke it." Ianto sobbed. "It just fell and…"</p>
<p>Booker sat and pulled Ianto into his arms, carding a hand through his hair and holding him close with the other arm. "We have lots."</p>
<p>And he held Ianto tightly, whispering endearments in French until the tears subsided. </p>
<p>************* </p>
<p>Andy stood on the balcony of the safe house. Her head throbbed from last night's drinking. Her cells repaired themselves but they did it slowly and she'd decimated a lot last night.</p>
<p>The glass door slid open and Tosh appeared with two mugs of coffee.</p>
<p>"Is that from him?" Andy asked cautiously.</p>
<p>"Yes, he wanted you to have some." </p>
<p>Andy supposed she didn't deserve the coffee but her throbbing head didn't care if she deserved it or not. </p>
<p>"I will apologize to him, Tosh. I know I was way out of line." </p>
<p>Tosh smiled shyly at Andy. "Out of line, yes, the words raging thundercunt come to mind." </p>
<p>Andy looked at Tosh and laughed. "Fair." </p>
<p>"I think he will forgive you though if you sincerely apologize to him. And he needs that apology from you. He's feeling anxious about fitting in here." </p>
<p>"I know, I get it. It's hard to adjust to immortality. I just … I don't get why he's still in love with Jack. He died because of Jack's carelessness. Why can't he see how deeply flawed Jack is? Especially when he has Booker.  Booker is an angel. It's fucked up."</p>
<p>"I think he knows that Jack is not perfect. I also know that Ianto is very slow to trust and let people in. But when he does, he's fiercely loyal to those people. I think…" </p>
<p>Andy could see Tosh trying to find a way to diplomatically say what she wanted to say next. </p>
<p>"Ianto is incredibly smart and self aware. He knows how badly Jack treated him and he is well aware of the impact that that had on Booker. But, he also feels very loyal. Jack pulled him out of massive depression after his girlfriend died."</p>
<p>Tosh went to lean on the balcony railing. </p>
<p>"So… you are sort of pulling his loyalties in different places. If he sees you as an enemy to Jack, he will never admit to you just how hurt he was by what happened with Jack. Do you see what I mean?" </p>
<p>Tosh turned to face Andy. </p>
<p>"I guess. It’s like how I bitch and moan about Booker, Joe &amp; Nicky but if someone outside of us insults them I will want to rip their face off.  But I can't help that I hate Jack " </p>
<p>"No one is asking you to like him. So maybe this is just a topic you and Ianto don't talk about? There are lots of other things you can talk to him about."</p>
<p>"Yes, I know. Tosh, I know you think I'm an asshole but I can play nice. And I do want to make Ianto feel welcome." </p>
<p>"Thank you. I know I can't change your mind. But I want you to know. Jack saved me. I was a timid nerdy defense contractor with no friends. I got blackmailed by this terrorist group. They had my Mom, you see. So they made me recreate this bit of alien tech or they would hurt her. So of course I did it. But then UNIT caught me. They locked me up. No trial, no access to a lawyer, no due process. I had committed treason."</p>
<p>"Oh Tosh!" Andy's heart broke for her new friend. She put a hand on Tosh's shoulder. Tosh blushed a little. </p>
<p>"I thought I would rot forever in prison. But then, a few months later, I had a visitor. It was Jack and he offered to get me out. He offered me a job, a purpose. He saved my life. Can you imagine if I died for the first time in a UNIT facility?"</p>
<p>Andy shuddered. She very much could. </p>
<p>"I know Jack has his problems. Believe me, I did not like how he treated my best friend. But, Andy, please believe me. There is good in him as well. He doesn't tell UNIT everything. He has just as much of a distrust for them as you do. But he works from the inside. He would never let UNIT hurt you or the rest of the crew. And I know he loves Ianto. He really does. He was terrified of letting Ianto get too close because he thought he was mortal. I think he was an idiot about it but he had good reasons."</p>
<p>Andy was taken aback. Tosh was so gentle yet adamant. </p>
<p>But then Tosh got a look on her face of nervousness. </p>
<p>"I need to ask you about something else. Booker told me to ask you but said it is a very sensitive issue."</p>
<p>"Have you been having dreams about Quynh?" Andy asked, trying desperately to keep the emotion out of her voice. </p>
<p>"Is that her name? The woman in the ocean?"</p>
<p>"Yes. She was… She and I were…" Andy took a deep breath. "I have never loved anyone as much as I loved her. I don't remember how we found each other, probably the dreams,  but as soon as we found each other we were inseparable. It was us two against the world. For thousands of years we were so happy together. But then we had the bad luck to end up in Britain during the Witch trials. They tried to kill us so many ways. We didn't care, we had each other. We laughed at them."</p>
<p>Tosh had stepped forward and put a gentle hand on Andy's arm. They now faced each other, Tosh with a hand on Andy's shoulder and Andy with a hand on Tosh's. She hadn’t told anyone about Quynh since she’d told Booker some two hundred years ago. But she felt so comfortable and safe to tell Tosh. </p>
<p>"Eventually, though, they found a way to break us. They took my beautiful Quynh and put her in an Iron Maiden. They threw her in the ocean. She's doomed to die, revive, and die again for all eternity."</p>
<p>Andy began to sob. She felt herself being pulled into a hug by Tosh. It was warm and she felt a safety and comfort she hadn’t felt in a long time.</p>
<p>"I tried to find her. But I couldn't. She was too far down. And after awhile our connection faded. I don't know if it was she who cut me off or if I cut her off but I can't feel her anymore. I know she is still alive but..." </p>
<p>"Oh Andy," soothed Tosh, "let it out." </p>
<p>Andy cried in Tosh’s arms till she felt better.  As she pulled away she wiped her eyes and smiled weakly at Tosh.  "I have to say, I’ve not been a big fan of institutions of power in England since then.”  </p>
<p>Tosh smiled ruefully.  “Well given what Torchwood just exposed about Prime Minister Brian Green and the rest of his cronies did with the 456 and the children, I think that’s a wise philosophy.”  </p>
<p>Andy smiled and Tosh smiled back. Andy felt butterflies in her stomach that she hadn't felt since Quynh died. </p>
<p>"Andy?" Tosh said, her voice thick. "Am I… are you… I mean, I am feeling something here. Am I reading this right?"</p>
<p>Andy nodded her head unable to speak briefly. But they didn't need words as Tosh wrapped her delicate fingers around the back of Andy's head and pulled her into a kiss. </p>
<p>****************<br/>Ianto sat in the kitchen drinking some coffee and reading the newspaper.  The coverage of the 456 was frustrating. How did Jack get rid of the aliens? There was more to what happened than they were saying. </p>
<p>“Hey? Uh, Ianto?”  came a very hesitant voice.</p>
<p>Ianto looked up to see Andy standing in the doorway.  </p>
<p>“Hi, did you want more coffee?” He asked.</p>
<p>“Oh, no, I’m good.  Thank you for the coffee earlier.  That was very kind of you.”</p>
<p>“You’re welcome.”  </p>
<p>“Look, Ianto, I don’t even know how to start this but I fucked up. Bigtime, obviously.  Tosh called me a raging thundercunt - and she likes me.  So I can imagine what you’re thinking of me.”  </p>
<p>Ianto watched her. </p>
<p>“I shouldn’t have said those things I said. It was horrible.  I don’t… Your relationship with Jack is a bit confusing to me.  And I worry so much about Booker. But Tosh explained about Jack helping her.  And anyway, I knew that Jack means well.  I owe him my freedom.  It’s just… I don’t have a reason, I just get angry sometimes. But I said very hurtful things and I am very sorry.” </p>
<p>“Thanks Andy. I do understand some of your anger.  Jack and me… It’s complicated, always was, always will be. I admire you for defending your best friend and I assure you, I will handle making amends to Sebastien for how I treated him. I treasure Sebastien and I will not put him second anymore. But also, I hope that in time you can see Jack for the nuanced and multi-layered person that he is. But that’s not my business. I can’t ask for you to like Jack.  I would ask that you don’t insult him in front of me, and I won’t talk about him in front of you.  Do we have an agreement?  I would like for us to be friends.  Sebastien loves you very much.  I don’t want to make an enemy of one of the loves of my life’s best friend.”  </p>
<p>Andy looked relieved.  “Thank you Ianto.  Booker is right about you.  None of us deserve you, or your patience.  But anyway, yes, let’s agree to not talk about it. I do very much want to be your friend as well.” </p>
<p>“It wasn’t all bad. I was so blocked. In shock maybe?  You jolted me out of that.”</p>
<p>“I am sorry that you needed a shock.”</p>
<p>Ianto smiled slyly, “But there is something else I want to talk to you about. Perhaps a little hypocritical after telling you to mind your own business about Sebastien. But I need to know, what are your intentions for my best friend?  I wouldn’t presume that I have any say in the matter, Tosh knows her mind. But I love her with all my heart and don’t want to see her hurt.”  </p>
<p>Andy blushed, “I like her a lot. I know what you’ve probably heard about me. I don’t… I don’t want this to be a fling. It’s been a long time since I have felt this much for a person. Tosh is amazing.  She’s so smart and kind. So incredibly loyal to her friends. I would never knowingly hurt her.”  </p>
<p>“Good,” Ianto smiled but this time in a more friendly manner. “Then I think we can be friends.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thanks for reading!  I would love to hear what you think.  Next one is the last chapter which feels surreal.  But I am already working on the sequel.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0046"><h2>46. Ends and beginnings</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Ianto and Jack talk.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Here we are! The last chapter!  It will be weird not to post this every day anymore.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Ianto paced back and forth in the park.  He had arrived early because that’s what he did, but now he had to wait anxiously for Jack to arrive.  It had been about a month since he died.  Sebastien had taken him on a trip to Belgium to see where he came from.  It had been complete bliss. They walked through the streets all day, stopping for coffee in little cafes. </p><p>And then there had been the nights. It was more than just the mind-blowing sex. Although the sex was certainly mind-blowing. Sebastien always seemed to know exactly what Ianto needed or wanted without asking. And likewise he just knew what would leave Sebastien completely undone and destroyed in the most positive way. </p><p>But it wasn't just that. The moments after they made love or the next morning or any time, were every bit as powerful. Sometimes Sebastien read Ianto his favourite books, usually in French, which Ianto was starting to understand. Sometimes Ianto sang Sebastien songs in Welsh. They talked and talked about everything from their friends to the state of the world to recent arguments in the archival theory that Ianto had tried to keep up with in case he ever got to rebuild his archives. </p><p>Those days and nights had fortified Ianto. Without them he never would have been able to stand in the park he was in now waiting for Jack. </p><p>Finally he saw a greatcoated figure coming towards him. As complicated as his feelings were for Jack he really did love that coat. </p><p>“Ianto…”  Jack looked tired.  Jack hesitated when he got to Ianto, as if he wanted to embrace him but wasn’t sure if it would be well received.  Ianto’s heart broke for Jack.  </p><p>“It’s okay.”  Ianto said as he held his arms open to Jack, inviting him into an embrace.  </p><p>Jack fairly flew into Ianto’s arms.  He clutched Ianto so tightly, burying his head into the crick of Ianto’s’ neck.  Ianto felt the moisture of Jack’s tears against his neck.  He rubbed Jack’s back and whispered calming words in Welsh.  </p><p>“I missed you.”  Jack said as he pulled back from the hug.  “Ianto… I have so many regrets. The things I did or didn’t do.”  </p><p>“I know Jack.  It’s done now though.  No way to go back and change anything. I forgive you.”</p><p>“Ianto, I know you say that.  But you don’t know what I’ve done.  It’s…. It’s the worst thing.  I can’t… I am a monster.”  </p><p>Ianto steered them both to a nearby park bench.  Jack didn’t look like he could stand. </p><p>“Jack, it was an impossible time.  I have faith that whatever you did, it was what you had to do.  You always make the  tough decisions.”  </p><p>“This is the worst one though.  Worse than me leading those children to the 456.  It was, when you… I mean, when they released the virus.  They killed Clem too.  They got to him through this frequency. So we traced the frequency and we figured if they could do that to him, we could do that to them and if we amplified the signal through the children… But… Well, it had to go through one child as a conduit. And... we only had one child. Steven, my grandson.  It was the only way.  There was no time.  They were loading poor children, children like Mica and David onto trucks to take them to the 456. So it had to be Steven.  But he… didn’t survive.” </p><p>Jack began sobbing.  Ianto pulled him into an embrace.  This poor man.  After all the pain, all the loss of lovers and team mates.  His grandson. So he had lost his grandson and his daughter.  Ianto could barely wrap his brain around the pain. He had had no idea. He suddenly felt guilty for his distance from Jack.   </p><p>“It’s horrible.”  Ianto agreed. “But think of how many children you saved.  There weren’t any other options.”</p><p>When Jack had finished crying and composed himself he sat up again.  </p><p>“When I thought… The whole time I was doing the frequency thing with Steven. I just kept thinking, ‘Ianto would stop me if he were here. He would find a better way.’  But I didn’t have you and I thought I would never be happy again anyway so why not sacrifice my grandson?”  </p><p>Ianto stiffened.  “Don’t you dare Jack.  How dare you put that on me.  You made a very difficult decision and you saved the world.  Saving the world doesn’t come without a price. But don’t make it my fault that your grandson is dead. For fuck sakes Jack, I already died for you once trying  - and failing - to clean up your mess.  So don’t twist it so that Steven would still be alive if I had just had the decency to not die or to come back to life quicker.”  </p><p>Jack looked taken aback.  Ianto had never spoken back to him like this before.  He had to admit to himself it felt good to stand up for himself against Jack’s pity party.  </p><p>“I”m so sorry, I didn’t mean...”  </p><p>“But what you said… It’s just... I am so fucking sick of you thinking your pain is the most important pain in the world. All the other immortals have lost people they loved too and they don’t mope around making their current lovers feel like shit because they might die.”    </p><p>“Oh, so now since you’re fucking that mopey Frenchman you’re on Andy’s side? Are you going to tell me to fuck off and handle the aliens by myself with mortals too?”  </p><p>“Jesus Christ Jack, he’s Belgian, you know that.  And there aren’t sides.  There is no us and them.  We’re all immortal, why can’t we work together?”  </p><p>“I don’t know, why don’t you ask Andy.  I tried and she would have none of it.”  </p><p>“Okay, fair.  But don’t make this about everyone else.  It’s true you had to hire mortals but you  could have hired more of us. I’m an archivist and office manager not a doctor but you made me do all the medic work after Owen died." </p><p>"You're right." Jack said sadly. "So are you going to be a mercenary now?"</p><p>"I don't know. Jack, I believed in the mission. I still believe in it. All the things I did, I didn't do just because I am in love with you. I did them because the world needs someone to watch the Rift and to protect Earth. So I can see stopping, especially not to become a mercenary.”</p><p>“You *are* in love with me?  Not *were*?”</p><p>Ianto rolled his eyes.  “That was not the point of that comment.”</p><p>“But do you?”</p><p>“Jack, I will always love you.  But it doesn’t mean that I will always like you.  And right now I need to work through the feelings. Things can't stay how they were before I died."</p><p>"You know that I acted that way out of fear and self-protection right? It wasn't that I didn't love you but I was terrified of letting you get too close because of how much it would hurt when you died."</p><p>"I did know that, yes." Ianto sighed and took a deep breath. "That fucked me up. Do you have any idea how it hurts to be constantly judged and found wanting because of your mortality? I mean clearly not because it's been thousands of years since you were mortal."</p><p>He closed his eyes, leaned his head back and pinched the bridge of his nose. Then dropped his hand and opened his eyes again.</p><p>"It was like being constantly reminded I was going to die. And the fucked up thing was that I wasn't afraid of dying for myself but I was terrified of dying because it would make me just one more heartless lover who cruelly abandoned you by dying. And I know that's my issue, it's not about you. I just felt like I could never be good enough for you because of something I couldn't control." </p><p>"I am sorry I made you feel that way. Especially because my defenses didn't work. I was head over heels in love with you. I still am. I know I ruined everything and I know you have Booker now but I still want you and I still… I don't know what it would look like but…"</p><p>Jack's blue eyes blazed. Ianto felt the pull of Jack. The way he smelled, those gorgeous eyes, the care he always took in completely taking Ianto apart when they had sex, and the way danger and adventure seemed to follow Jack around. There was always a crisis, always some way the world needed saving when you hung around him. It was exciting and it made Ianto feel important.</p><p>But now he could see all the other things too.  How Jack skirted responsibility, the way his mood changed on a dime, the way his impetuous method of barging in without analyzing the situation got people killed - got Ianto killed come to think of it - how he got people to do things for him with a wink of those blue eyes. It would be so easy to just fall back into Jack's arms, to get pulled into an adventure.  But he could not let Jack make all the decisions anymore. </p><p>Ianto closed his eyes and took a deep, sad breath.  When he opened them they were rimmed with tears.</p><p>"I know we will find our way back to each other. I don't know what it will look like but I know it will happen. I will always be with Booker, but that doesn’t mean I can’t be with you too.  But… that time isn't right now.”</p><p>He looked at Jack through his tears.  Jack looked sad as well but not surprised. </p><p>“But Jack, you and me, we have a vast ocean of time ahead of us. I don't know what the future will bring but we will always be in each other's life. I can’t be with you till I’ve worked on who I am. But I want to be your friend.  And if you need me - if there’s an alien threat - or a government threat - or fucking cannibals - I will be there.  Just call me, I will come and help you. I still believe in the mission. And I will keep dying to keep Earth safe."</p><p>Jack nodded. “I understand, Ianto.  I had hoped for better but honestly, I expected less.”</p><p>“I’m not mad at you Jack.  What’s done is done.  I understand why you acted how you did, and I forgive you.  I need you to know that.  But this is about so much more than that.  I need to figure out who Ianto Jones: Immortal is.  I can’t be a tea boy or an office manager anymore.  I just have to find something that I am comfortable being for the rest of the vast amount of time I have.”</p><p>“I understand.”  Jack was crying now too.  </p><p>Ianto took Jack’s hand in his and just held it.  They sat like that for a time.  They just watched the park, watched the children laughing and playing, no sign of the horror of speaking the 456’s vile demands in unison.  Just children being children. Their parents, he could see, kept an extra eye on them, they hadn’t forgotten what almost happened to their pride and joys. But the children played, the sun shone, and the park was peaceful. Ianto thought to himself, all of that was worth dying for.   </p><p>"I should get going." Jack said eventually. "Stuff to do, you know."</p><p>“I understand.”  Ianto said.  </p><p>“But Ianto… could we, maybe…?”  </p><p>Ianto raised an eyebrow at Jack questioningly.  Jack smiled sadly at the familiar facial expression.  </p><p>“Could I kiss you one last time before I go?”  </p><p>Ianto nodded and then Jack moved in.  The kiss was slow and sweet.  Jack wasn’t pushing.  There was no urgent passion to it.  It felt like a goodbye, not a final goodbye, but an until we meet again, whenever that is.  </p><p>TO BE CONTINUED...</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thanks for reading!  I hope you liked this long work.  Please let me know what you think!! I am sorry that the end is so sad but I have already started on the sequel. The next one, The Lives of Ianto Jones, will have a full on happy ending for all of the characters.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
</body>
</html>